Goodbye 2008

The way i brought in 2008 last year was 4 rented movies and 3 cans of beer snuggled under 2 heavy blankets on my couch, all of my friends were out of town and one was working. I was kind of okay with this, i remember it was a very cold new years eve and i cant stand to be out in the cold, also everything in the city is SO expensive and all i had to pay for was the movies that came out to be $10. I remember saying to myself that next year you will not be spending new years eve by yourself, and i wont be this year in fact! I'll be with my fabulous friends hoping to house party to another house party.

Last November i started to hang out with a classmate who later became one of my very good friends and we were having dinner together and i was telling her i was doing alot of reflecting, she said "winter does that.....", its true, i don't find myself doing much reflecting in all the other seasons (not that SF has seasons); but last year my reflecting was on how many sex partners have i had and it wasn't very many, also i was reflecting on what kind of guys they were too. This year my reflecting is not to far off from last year, I'm going to set some goals for myself this coming new year..........

1. Play hard to get - This really needs to happen, I'm to nice and i haven't broken enough hearts or teased enough!

2. Work out - I really need to do this more then i do, i only work out maybe 3 times a month and i need to do it way more then that, when i work out i feel so good about myself!

3. Going back to therapy - I'm really thinking about this very carefully, It's been a year and half, and i feel very torn in should i or shouldn't i go back, I know the "light bulb" moment will happen and when it does that will be my answer.

I'm going to keep it at 3 for now, i don't like to set to many goals for myself because then i wont keep them.

What a year this has been for me though, lets see what i can remember!! Jan - was all about the dude, The Writer that i had a class with, i remember i was starting to drive then too. Feb - I don't remember. March - Don't remember. April - I smoked the biggest joint of my life on 4/20 while watching The Big Lebowski at the Red Vic, then my 2 best friends hooked up that night and when i found out i was really not okay with this because i was worried that if it didn't work out then drama would happen, and it did. Also it was just odd for me personally, i had never had 2 very close friends hook up with each other because.......well i have never really had close friends!! May - My baby cousin was born, i started to work for a family friend, i had to say good bye to my other job, it was a bitter sweet month, i loved my boss at my old job, to bad the work wasn't as awesome. June - I met a dude at one of my friends house parties, who ended up have problems in the bed room, and was a little too needy for me, but all in all was VERY sweet to me. My other cousin was born, now we had 2 new babies in the family. July - I'm wondering was this when my 2 friends that hooked up stopped hanging out with each other? 4th of July was just alright, friends and i had a good meal with the folks then headed over to a really awesome house in Hayes Vally. I also had to say goodbye to one of the sweetest people i have ever met, it was nice to know truly sweet people do live, I will miss you Zeynep! Aug - I turned 25, had a very awesome birthday with friends and ended things with bed room problems dude. School started, and i made my goal to try to get laid once a month. Sept - I hook up with my first dude that kicked off my goal.......such a disappointment, later found out he used me to fill his void for some other chick that doesn't love him back, i really wish i could find this chick and tell her to keep not loving him, he's a disappointment in bed. Oct - I hooked up with my 2nd dude who ended up having a slapping fetish and really freaked me out, I went to the best Halloween party EVER, i dressed up as Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction. My brother ran into a car on his bike, thank God he didnt break anything! Nov - Obama!!! Went on a really bad date but my night turned around and met a really cool guy who is known as "Messenger Boy" who also threw off my whole once a month goal because he has now rolled over to Dec. Dec - My Christmas was really good, Santa brought me all the things i asked for, I have been doing some heavy thinking about myself......i think that's it!

Maybe not an exciting year for some people but some of the things that happened were exciting for me. For a very long time in my life was a loner, a wallflower ( I still feel i am) and some of these things that happened to me i only thought happened to "cool" people or in the movies. I hope to continue to set silly personal goals for myself, I hope to keep coming out of my shell, I hope to continue to meet new people who make me laugh and are inspiring. And most of all I hope to continue to keep growing into an awesome person!

Happy New Year everyone!!

Un-Smart.

I have written a blog about my dyslexia but I feel there are other things about myself I need to share. Most of the information and conversations I have threw out my day I don’t understand, I think I just live in life, it’s like I’m standing in the middle of a street and everyone and everything around me is passing by, going to this place, going to that place, meeting this person and so on. What do I understand? Very little, I don’t understand how music is put into a record, I have had many people explain it to me but I still don’t get it, now a CD I get but a record I don’t get. Maybe that’s not a very good example. This might be better………when I was a child my mother was going to take me out to buy some new shoes, she told me I was getting one pair of shoes, to me this meant I was only going to get one shoe! I remember crying and yelling at her “no two pair of shoes” and she saying back to me “I’m only buying one pair”, all I could think about was why would my mother let me walk around the city with one shoe on? She never caught on and I don’t remember if she took me out that day to get my shoes, but I remember making a big deal about thinking I was going to only get one shoe! I take care of a little boy and when he gets upset about something that I know he doesn’t understand it makes me sad because I truly deeply know how he feels; I’m an adult and I still don’t understand a lot that goes on around me. Sometimes I debate with myself how stupid and slow are different? Like I find most men to be stupid (sorry to any male readers) but the fact that I don’t understand most things around me does that make me stupid? What about slow? It takes me a while to understand most things that “normal” people understand quickly. My conversations I also feel are never exactly on topic, like I was talking with Messenger Boy the other night and even though we were high and drunk I was telling him a story and realizing as I’m telling him this story and it so does not match with the subject that he was just talking about and he had this look on his face like WTF. I know I do this, but do I do this a lot? It’s really hard to feel confident in yourself when you’re constantly battling with yourself to “be smart, look smart, act smart”. Another story I remember I was in my young teens and I was with my family having dinner over at my neighbors house, the other guests starting talking with me when dinner was finishing up and my mother and neighbor got up from the table and went into the kitchen to get the desert ready and I remember hearing her say to my mother “it’s a shame they don’t know….” I forget the rest but I knew what she was talking about. I know I was telling these people something that was “smart” I guess when really I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about, but they believed everything and they thought I was this really smart young girl. I don’t ever want people to feel sorry for me or treat me as I’m handicapped, or “special” but I do want people to respect me and be kind, I know that’s a lot to ask for.

Paranoia and Beyond

I get really paranoid sometimes about the most silly stuff, but maybe we all do? But sometimes i feel i take it to the next level, like i think beyond the issue and what could happen next or what the outcome could be, how's its going to effect myself and others in my life, i get to the point where i make myself go crazy i feel like. My biggest fears would be getting pregnant, getting an STD or worse HIV. If i got knocked up from some random dude, hands down abort would take place ASAP. If I got an STD, i would hope it would be one that is curable, but then i think what if i caught the one that wasn't? Like HPV/genital warts, I got the HPV shots last year (they really really hurt by the way) but i know it only covers so much, there are still other HPV various that the shot doesn't cover, and if i had a break out.....I think i would become very depressed, it doesn't take much, when it comes to my body I'm very sensitive. And how would i handle if i got HIV? For sure the same thing would happen but i think worse, I wouldn't blame my family if they had to send me to a mental institution. Am I a big baby for thinking these things? Lots of people say your teens are hard, but i disagree, i think your 20's are hard. I have 10yrs to figure out what the hell i want to do with the rest of my life, I have to "grow up" and act like an adult, make adult choices. Maybe i have been babied too much in my up bringing, i wouldn't disagree if someone said they thought so, but its so scary to have to do things and make big life altering choices in your life on your own. I think about one of my good friends sometimes who has to make choices alot on her own and who doesn't have the luxury to call her family for help or advice, i think about how does she do it? She is so much stronger then me and i hope be that someday, i really do. Although I hope if she ever needed anything I would be there in a heart beat to hold her hand.

Life is scary, and i feel it officially got scary when i started to have sex and got into my 20's, and I know that this is only the icing on the cake! If only we could all have a little person that fit in our pocket and we would take him or her out for words of encouragement or to just lend an ear.

Holy Night

I'm not a religious person but every time i hear this song it give me goose bumps and i want to share the goose bumps with you :)

Hard to Get

Why is it when your friends and family try to tell you something but you choose not to listen because you think they don’t know what they’re talking about but then someone that you don’t know very well tells you the same thing then you listen? My friend Joe tells me all the time that I need to play hard to get, and I laugh or roll my eyes, but this evening as I was watching “John Tucker Must Die” on TV and I realized I do need to play hard to get! I’m a little embarrassed to say that a movie of such low intelligence made me have my “duha” moment but I’m really glad it did. I don’t think I have ever played hard to get, I’m really good at being sarcastic and a shit talker, prudish too, but hard to get I’m not good at , in fact I don’t think I even know how; nor do I even think I have ever tried! How would I even start? And do you have to start right away? Meaning, Messenger Boy called me last week and as we were talking I told him I missed hanging out with him (that’s not code for sex, I really do like hanging out with him) and I liked him, and I have been my sweet self this whole time but can I turn it around and start playing hard to get, or is it too late? I really want to try this out, it’s not often that I have a guy begging to date me……..actually it’s never happened. How bad is that?

I think I only know how to be nice, sweet, caring, funny, and thoughtful, not sexy, mysterious or “play it cool”. What’s the point I feel to be all of those things that I’m not, it’s not in me, also it would be a game and I for sure don’t like people playing games on me and for someone who is big on Karma I think it would maybe bite me in the ass later. But maybe I push that aside? Fuck Karma and just go for it? Oh I’m all confused; I just realized something about myself from a shallow movie that I hate to admit, liked!! I’m always chasseing the dude as if this is going to be the last guy that is ever going to like me ever again, when I know this is so not true, did you read Monthly Man, I have been getting laid every month!! So why do I do it? I need to do something that will at all times remind me that guys should be chasseing me not the other way around because that’s how it should be damit!!!

90's are back!

It should have been a light bulb moment for me when the plaid shirts were popping up and hints of Dr. Martens were being spotted here and there but nothing has confirmed that the 90's are back like the movie that will be coming out next year called "Notorious". Yes folks, Notorious B.I.G., it will be a movie about his life and everyone around him that was in it, I for sure will be checking out this film and expecting it to make me feel old! I also hope they do a good job on the Little Kim charter because who doesn't love her!!

When i saw the trailer, i thought "holy shit, the 90's are back" then i flipped to VH1 and what was playing "Dangerous Minds", do you remember the song??!! I'm okay if the 90's come back, well some of, if scrunchies become popular again I might die, and if really really really saggy jeans (even though at the time I thought that look looked hot on guys), exposing of the naval I will not be happy with because you know their are the women who are going to do it who shouldn't!! But the music, now the music can all come back, everything, all of it, grunge to hip hop, i welcome you!!

"If you don't know, now you know."

The Tree

I'm stuck at home with a cold, and last night i didn't sleep at all, but finally today my body wanted a nap after lunch (chicken noodle soup). My nap only lasted an hour. As i was laying in bed trying to go back to sleep i herd some very odd noises in my backyard, i got out of bed and pulled my roman blinds up and what do i see, men across the fence cutting/chopping/pulling down branches down from "The Tree". I call it "The Tree" because this tree as been my friend and foe growing up. When we would get crazy whined storms at night or during the day i would worry that this tree would come crashing down in my room and that would be the end of me! The friend part has been when i stare out my window for peace of mind, because I'm sad, or i just want to look at something that's so big and beautiful but yet in such a small area; it always seems to be there for me. I love trees, and as i was watching these men out my window taking down some of the branches i thought "would i miss this tree?". Yes i would, what would i have to stare at when I'm sad? I'm really hoping that they are only going to take down the dead branches and not the whole tree its self, life lives in that tree, even though i find birds very annoying, Crows mostly, but that's a home! As our world is becoming more and more sick, cutting down a tree would be very sad, but if so i hope they plant a new one or at least have a bird person come out and make sure all the birds are out of the tree. I'm crossing my fingers they are only taking down branches!

This blog reminded me of a book a loved as a child, i still love this story even though this book has very little to do with what this blog is about but for those who do not know about this story, well, you should!! The Giving Tree.

Lusting

There have been 3 men in my life (I’m sure the number will go up over time) that have affected me somehow. My first would be the second guy I slept with when I started to become sexually active, the sex was awesome, not to mention he was so hot and the coolest guy I had ever met, so I thought at the time. With my young naïve thinking I didn’t know that we were only “fuck buddies” but over time I figured it out and at one point we had “the talk”, I was fine with this, at first, but then I wasn’t, I realized I liked this guy, AOLT (we did have a lot of things in common)! The romping came to an end and we both moved on, but removing the images and feelings from him was very hard to do, no other guy matched up, I’ll call him Music Man. But a year goes by and he contacts me wondering what I was up to and so forth, then asking if I wanted to hang out, I knew this was code word, and I was sooooooo down. Almost all of the feelings came back, until one night in the middle of having sex with him, I was looking into his eyes and this feeling came over me and I didn’t like him like I used to, I really just liked his image and his dick, there was no depth to this guy. I realized he had social problems and mommy issues and big finical problems. I lusted over what was not there, and what was never going to be there, and hoping and dreaming he would someday like me, when really he will never like me.

After Music Man there was this guy I never got to sleep with sadly but still hope like a teenage girl who dreams about getting a kiss from Zac Efron from High School Musical (I’m going to punish myself after this for knowing this info) I dream about having an uninterrupted moment with him, he will be called The Writer. The Writer and I shared a class together and something else that I wish to keep to myself, we had never met in person before until we started taking this class. Some mixed messages, more looks then words were exchanged and no matter how hard I tried to talk with him there was never the right moment and when I did finally say something to him, it came off a little mean  What was so hot about The Writer………..he was smart, hot and some other shallow reasons, but they are my reasons! Anyways something happened and he could no longer continue attending the class, in a way it was kind of nice, it stopped the madness in my head, but I was going to miss checking him out every chance I got! There is that saying “the one that got away” I know that means “the one” and for sure The Writer was/is not “the one” but he was “the one” I couldn’t have and that bothers me, I am a girl who likes her cake and wants to eat it too, and I feel I was only allowed to have the cake with The Writer but wasn’t allowed to eat it. I still talk about him (when I’m dunk and high) and my friends laugh and roll their eyes, as they should, I know it’s a waist but dam it, I want to eat that cake!

I’m sure you can only guess my 3rd man…..Messenger Boy. Like I have said before this guy charmed me like no other guy had and I fell for it, well not all of, I had my guard up. Anyways, the more I think of the situation and realize why I’m still thinking about him is its more of the situation then him! He just stopped calling, it really would have been different if it was a one night stand but it wasn’t we hung out more than once, and from what I got was that the feeling was mutual of enjoying each other’s company, so why it stopped so out of blue really slipped the rug from under me! I have a big problem when things like that happen, it’s really important to me that I know what’s going on around me at all times and when things or situations slip from under me I feel cheated and taken. Even though he did tell me from the start he didn’t want a girl friend, it would have been nice if he threw out a vibe that the “fun times” were coming to an end.

Robyn knows how I feel.

What's Wrong With Me?

Who made me this shit talker but really turns out to be nervous Nelly!! I don’t get it, I’m the biggest loser…….I feel like I am, I know I’m not but that’s how I feel!!

I went to the doctor last week and she like all the rest of them has asked if I have ever had any sexual abuse. Like a broken record, I say” no, I’m just a nervous person, I also have trust issues and from a child I have always been weird with people touching me.” On the drive home I started to have flash backs of when I was little, I remember someone putting me into a closet and holding the handle, I remember it being very dark and screaming to come out; I also remember being at my aunt and uncles house and hanging out in one of my cousins rooms and a friend of one of my cousins “play” strangling me on the bed, I think I was maybe 5, I remember he really scared me and there were wire hangers poking me from underneath. Could this be why who I am? There are many other scary stories, but could they all play a big role in the type of person of who I am today? I’m really worried about this, I have been having some anxiety lately over very silly things and originally I would only have anxiety attacks or panic attacks when I would see a women giving birth on T.V, now it’s over weird smells on Muni or not finding the car and thinking it got toad! What is wrong with me? I should stay in tuned with myself more and see if this is just a PMS thing because if it is then maybe it’s not a big deal, or is it? Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, why can’t we have all the answers about ourselves????? And my dreams these past 2 weeks have been bad too, birds wearing masks who talk to me, telling me I need to be careful, the other night it was about our new president and he was going to take this little girl away from me to lock her up and I stopped him and then somehow I get told my name was put on a list by the FBI and now they were looking for me to kill me! Going back to the doctor thing, she also brought up my future and asked if I ever thought of having children and I said “no, I don’t want to have children, I take care of kids, that’s enough for me”, she seemed to be fine with my answer but not at the same time, I told her it’s not important to me but if I change my mind I have always thought of adopting even when I was a little girl, she smiled and said “that’s a another option” .

Flashbacks of my scary moments of my childhood was not the only thing I thought about that day on the drive home from the doctors, I thought about marriage as well. I have only met 2 guys so far who are comfortable enough with themselves that not having their own offspring is fine with them, it’s not important. Only 2 though!! So are my chances of when the time comes when I’m going to want to truly be with a guy in a very serious relationship the odds of him being okay with not having kids or adopting is very slim? If so this scares me! I’m someone who likes to be alone, I go see movies by myself, I prefer to go shopping by myself and some weekends I just want to hang out with me, but a quote best said by one of my admirers best puts it, “I don’t want to be alone, I just want to be left alone”(Audrey Hepburn). It’s really hard to separate from what is wrong and what is right when it comes to how you feel about cretin things in life when the majority rules you out. So I ask again, what’s wrong with me?

My Monthly Man

During summer I was seeing a boy (I'm calling him a boy because he was younger then me, but not too young, by 3 years) who was very sweet but a little needy for me and also had a little bit of a problem in the bed room. For 3 months that we went out we only had sex twice! My kind heart couldn't take it anymore so in the middle of August i said,"Good bye" and decided to set a personal goal for myself; I was going to try to see if I could get laid once a month! My male friends said this would be very easy to do, I wasn't so sure but now that its December and looking back at the 3 months, um well.........yea it has been easy! No technique was involved, I was myself the whole time. But now I'm having a change of thought, as all of this has been fun I'm not sure if my self worth or my vagina is letting me know,"lets take a break for a while". Taking a break, I'm fine with, but I don't want my break to go on for to long, I have gone for a year with no sex once and I don't ever want to do that EVER again, maybe just this month? I do have a lot of things going on this month, I'm taking a trip right after the new year and I need to start getting ready for that, plus the trip is a cruise and from what I have herd its very easy to get laid on a cruise ship! I think also all the guys that I slept with none of them charmed me like Messenger Boy and being that we haven't spoke sense Thanksgiving could also be apart of this feeling I have. I don't know if I would call it being jaded or burnt out, I didn't "love" him, but he was a cool guy to hang out with and if we still hung out then he would be my Mr. December man, when really he should only be my Mr. November man!

I think I'm going to keep this idea, no sex this month, just work, work, work and focus on my trip and have fun with friends and family and then get back to my monthly lay in January!

He Called.

Messenger Boy called like he said he would and we saw each other that night, we had a “talk”. Any kind of “talk” is never really good but then it is, things always need to bed said in life, people need to know where they stand with others and in life so the “talk” can be useful. But then there is the not so useful part, all the stuff that the person has to say because most of it is stuff you don’t want to hear, like what Messenger Boy had to say! I realized after we talked that this guy I think is a little confused in the brain, says one thing then turns around and says or feels something else, WTF!!!

The first night I slept over at his place the next morning he said “I’m going to take care of you real good, you’re going to hang out with me”, now call me crazy but I would think anyone, not just women, ANYONE, would think that that means your dating, no? Like “I want to be your boyfriend/girlfriend”, because what else does that mean? In Messenger Boys head/world it means different, I’m a fuck buddy who he is going to be real nice to! Thanks Messenger Boy, thanks! I was always looking for a fuck buddy who was going to take care of me “real nice”……….GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

I don’t have a problem being a fuck buddy, I do have a problem with the fact that I kind of like this guy and it disturbs me. He is for sure someone that my parents would die and roll over in their grave for not to mention the rest of my concretive family, not that what they think matters at all, this is more to maybe give you an idea of what I’m dealing with. He’s a “bad boy” and as I look back at all the guys I have dated I think he might be the “badest” of them all. I’m like Duchess and he’s like O’Malley from The AristoCats .The topic of why women like the “bad boy” has been going on for years, I can answer this for my own personal feelings on why I like them, THEY ARE INTERESTING!!! I get so board easy and I have a personality that can easily walk all over a dude if he’s too soft. What I don’t get is I don’t go out of my way to look for him, or do I unknowing? I think when I reach my 30’s and I’m still going out with dudes who are like this then for sure I have a problem, I have 5 more years to craft the “no more dating or fucking bad boys” right? Ugh!

I know I deserve so much better, but I guess I let this go on because it puts some excitement into my life, and getting laid is always nice!

Not related to anything I write about!!

I'm not computer smart at all, so I apologize for having some things set up the way they did (i didn't know how to find them) like only letting people who are apart of blogspot comment, I want everyone to feel free to comment! As you can see i have made some changes, I'm not sure how i like the new look, it might stay or it might go, I want to add more pictures but don't know how to yet.I know I'll figure this out at some point.

2 dates in one night!

To start this amazing story off I must say a few words first!! I’m not proud of what I did but I’m a firm believer on doing things that make you happy or put some excitement in your life, as long as you’re not hurting anyone, this case I might have hurt the trust of some of my friends. I’m a little worried, I’m not a liar, I look at this as something I wanted to do and didn’t feel like telling anyone about it, until now!

Everyone wanted to do something on Fri, I wanted to stay in and work on my paper, but I had been talking with this guy for a while and we thought it was time to hang out. I met him on CL and this will be my last time doing this (this is only my second time). When we talked on the phone things were good, when we talked on IM things were good, but then when we met up things went bad! We met down town, the weather was awesome to just walk around and talk, after I think about an hour and half of talking we diced to head over to the Mission to have a drink, big mistake, all the bars were packed so we brown bagged it. We took our beer to Dolores Park and sat in the tennis courts, I had some bud on me from the night before and asked him if he would like some, “sure”, it doesn’t take much for me to get high and in this situation this was a very good thing! I’m sitting on this bench with him and he’s talking, and talking, and talking and I realize as I’m very high, this dude has never asked me any questions about myself, he has called me neurotic, has talked about how “skinny” I am and hasn’t really talked about anything positive! After this realization I wanted this night to end NOW!! In a wish answered he looked at his phone for the time and said he should start heading back to Bart, I walked with him and we gave each other a hug and said good bye. As he went down the stars I threw the rest of my beer away and stood on the corner on 16th and Mission for a second (not the best area or idea for a lady who is by herself at night) anyway, I’m standing there feeling drained and going back and forth if I want to call someone or just catch a cab and go home, the hand reached into my bag and I called my brother and I think that was best thing I did that night!

My brother picks up, I ask him “where are you?” he says “I’m at Dolores Park drinking with my friends” I said “ I was just there, now I’m over by 16th and Mission, I was just on a really bad date” he says “meet me in front of the Roxie and I’ll come get you!”. We meet up and start walking towards Delirium (can’t stand that bar) he says some of his friends are inside and he wants me to meet them, we go in meet these 2 girls, who are nice, one of them starts to feel sick so we go back outside and I start talking with the girl who feels sick; then I notice in the corner of my eye my brother is talking to some dude. I turn around and he introduces me to “messenger boy”, this guy is drunk and stoned off his ass but is able to keep his shit together. I don’t remember how it happened but we just started talking as if we knew each other forever. I told him I just came from a bad date and my brother rescued me, he brings up on how dates are hard for people sometimes, then I ask what are dudes thinking on dates he replies with the best answer “ we just want to get into your pants” and I reply “keep it honest, I like it” he smiles. Change of topic, he goes into parse of my brother and brings up I think the best book EVER for little boys Ferdinand the Bull, that was my brothers favorite book as a little boy. Ferdinand didn’t want to fight like all the other bulls, he was just wanted to chill under the cork tree and smell the flowers, “messenger boy” said he just wants to love and be chill, then he asked me would I like to hear him play the harmonica, I said yes!! He played and played and played and at this point I was putty in this dudes hands. I love the harmonica, it has a beautiful sound. After he was done, we decide to go hang out at DP, but we didn’t end up at the park, we chilled at some school over by 16th and Church. As we were walking he said “I want to get to know you, and I might want to kiss you a little” I replied “If you play your cards right”, he laughed. We talked for a while, kissed, played his harmonica and then he asked if I wanted to go back to his place, he would drive me home as early as I wanted to leave, I had a family thing I HAD to go to at 11am the nest day! We took a taxi to his place, he ended up knowing the taxi driver (the whole night people kept yelling out his name and saying hi, this guy knows everyone!). We get to his place and……….well we all know what happened! Next morning we wake up and start talking and he says “I’m going to take care of you real nice” I laughed, no guy has ever said anything like that to me before, honestly I have never met a guy like him and I have been on A LOT of dates. He drove me home, gave me a big fat long kiss and said he would call me the next day when he got back from his mini trip to so cal.

That was one crazy night, but if I had to do it all over again I would have, it was so worth it!!

I’ll keep you posted if he calls!

Lie

My thumbs twiddle, healed back with words, always hungry but the kitchen is too small for two, you poison her mind with untrue thoughts while it makes you feel better for a second from your bitter childhood, she is the one who had the worst upbringing, you didn’t have a mother who got paid by a man up the block to molest you and your brother because your family was so hungry for money, I look at her in awe and I look at you as a poor sad bitter jerk , your children walk around on egg shells because one false move and the earth will split into two, your lips tighten up like a baby not wanting to open his mouth for medicine, shame on you, sometimes I wish you would take it to the extreme so I could yell at you and tell you what I really think of you and hope I would make you so mad you would take a swing at me so then I could call the cops and that would be the end of you, what would I miss? Can’t think of a dam thing, awkward with hugs and affection, you never hold your wife’s hand, so worried what other people might think of us or what we have so we have to keep things hush hush, if it was up to me, id have all the riches shine, show it all off, tell them all, what would happen? Would you freak out? Good, freak out, drive yourself crazy, you are already, I here you whisper to yourself all the time, sometimes I can make what you say and its crazy talk other times you make it to faint, if she dies before you I’m not going to feel sorry for you, I’m going to feel sorry for her, she wasn’t able to enjoy a few years without your bitter ass, but isn’t that how it goes the good die first and the mean have to suffer, just like your mother? When I’m on my own and don’t need a dime from you, I’ll speak me my mind and let the whole world know who you really are. Kind sweet man is all a lie.

Beyond myself, somewhere I wait for my arrival.

I had been meaning to get to the meaning of my title of my blog for a long time now, but better now than later, right?

It was about a year ago and I was taking an English class that made me want to kill myself, 3 days a week I would drag my ass into class, sit down and ask myself every time “why the fuck am I here?” Then I would tell myself each time “you’re here because you need to pass this class really bad so you can move on to the next class, and the next English class will be your last one, so let’s stick this out!” Words of encouragement and having an awesome tutor helped a lot! I did pass this class and moved on to the next one and passed that one as well!!

In this awful English class we had to read this very depressing/erotic book titled House of Sand and Fog, the movie is way less depressing and way less erotic then in the book. Anyways when you open the book and pass a few pages in it has the little poem/saying? That the author has put in the book and I really liked it. I felt it spoke to my beliefs on life, in always striving to be better, trying to always look ahead and never look back, but if you do to only look for past experiences and wisdom for yourself. The poem/saying is by Octavio Paz who is a Mexican poet (this poem/saying comes from The Balcony, and was really hard to find on the web, so if you find it for me, you win a cookie!). I feel that beyond myself my “arrival” is just chillin and waiting for me to finish all the little hurtles in life so when I do achieve my “arrival” I will feel I have earned it well and the “somewhere” part, who knows if SF is really where I’m going to find my “arrival”, but I know this the day it happens I will know and I know it’s going to be awesome!

Small World

This city is really small, I have herd so many people saying this and I never really realized it up until tonight, someone knows someone who knows me! Now I need to start thinking how do I feel about this?

Sourpuss

I’m so bitter and sour that if I lived in a cartoon world my face would like I just popped a Warhead in my mouth. Could this be from monthly mood swings or big disappointments from others? I think it’s both. Sometimes I feel I give and give and give and I don’t really get it back in the way I should. I’m not looking for an “all hale Terese, you are the awesome one” fuck that……….how about surprising me? Making me feel that I am truly appreciated, because telling me I’m great and all that jazz only goes so far and then becomes old, (also on a side note I kind of don’t really like people telling me how wonderful I am because it makes me very uncomfortable).

Even though I don’t like being in a state of sourness it does make me think in how can I better the situation for me? I know I’m going to look like a hypocrite for saying this because of my last blog but I think I might want a man in my life. As everyone is off doing their own thing and I have a weekend were I find myself stuck at home singing “nobody likes me……” that won’t happen anymore if I have one of them things called a “man”.

Is this all very conceded?

Fuck it, this is my blog after all, and I’m going to express how I feel DAMIT!!

Maybe a dude in my life wouldn’t be so bad after all, also maybe turning a new leaf in my life is a good idea as well. So I guess this means I might have to take down the wall a few bricks and smile more often..........this is going to be tuff!

Jaded Heart

“I’m in love with another woman”, love? As Tina would say “what’s love got to do with it”, seriously what do you say to something like that? I wasn’t looking for love; I was looking for honesty and respect! So did you sleep with me so you could get back at her because she doesn’t like you the way you wish she would? Did it make you feel better about yourself? I wonder for how long that was……….i hope it was as long as your orgasm! “Your ass is hot, your body is like a model” I should really listen more to that voice in my head telling me “do not trust anything they tell you”. My heart is already damaged; it’s black and cold for love. Did you know this about me? And if so, why do what you did? If anything it’s now made things worse! I will now use your sex like you use mine, I will now tell your sex all the things that men love to hear and every word of it will be a lie just so I can get some dick. When a guy tells me he’s been hurt time after time again by women I will turn the other cheek and make you believe that I’m “different from the others”. We will never be friends, but I’ll pretend just for the fun of it.

Am I that ugly? Did you think I knew this so that’s why you called me hot because you knew that word score nicely for you? What makes you better than me? No one is better than anyone, but for sure some people have more class then others and you my “friend” are a classes selfish jerk, but I’ll take notes from your work and use it and it won’t look classes at all if anything it will look a game well played!

Sometimes

Sometimes it gets too heavy, sometimes I want to throw up, sometimes I want to stay in bed all day and all night hoping my body will not get antsy to want to get out, sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I wish people would could really see who I truly am, sometimes I regret the things I do and say, sometimes I wish I wasn’t sexual, sometimes being numb is nice, sometimes feeling is overwhelming, sometimes I think I’m a joke, sometimes I’m hopeless, sometimes no matter how long I’ve been the shower I just can’t wash away the mess I made for myself, sometimes I’m a shit talker, sometimes it would be better if it just all went to hell, sometimes I can’t save myself, sometimes I like to make drama, sometimes I just want beer for dinner, sometimes I want to punch something but I know I will hurt my hand, sometimes I do too much, sometimes I’m sick of myself, sometimes I watch porn, sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t look like its ever going to happen, sometimes I get jealous, sometimes I get lonely, sometimes I feel stupid, sometimes I wish people would really say what they want to say to me, sometimes I worry about losing all of my friends, sometimes I think guys are the worst and best creation ever, sometimes I want to be famous, sometimes I want to scream, sometimes I want a tattoo, sometimes I think I’m cooler than everyone else, sometimes I want to shave my head, sometimes it really hurts, sometimes the worrying is worrying, sometimes having a vagina sucks, sometimes I feel very alone, sometimes no one understands me, sometimes eating is therapy, sometimes I feel I’m missing out on life, sometimes I don’t think I’m good enough, sometimes I feel I’m gross, sometimes I think I’m hot shit, sometimes I strut the down the street, sometimes I watch TV. all almost all day, sometimes i want to be in a relationship, sometimes i want to drive and see where i end up, sometimes i get really shy, sometimes...................

My Father

I love my father very much even though I think he is a very odd man. Odd such as this is a man who combines all of the breakfast cereals into one bowel, who puts cheese in his rice, saves the zip lock bags, has every plastic container to hold any kind of food you could think of, little notes taped around the house to remind himself of things, talks to himself in the shower and will stand in the kitchen just for the hell of it.

What brought this on was, he has been building this shied to put in the backyard for his tools and such, he’s been building it in the garage, my mother can’t stand it she tells me she can’t take her naps on the weekends because he’s making noise in the garage. He has notes on each piece of wood and he has tape on the floor for I guess to help him out with the floor pieces. Am I mean or should I give credit to a man who is highly organized? The man saves everything, even food! My father bought a dehydrator a few years back and he’s in love with this thing, my mother doesn’t understand were all the food goes because he never shares it with her, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has the dried food in a box saving it for some world destruction………well if we ever have one you know who’s house you can hit up for food, dried food, but it’ll be food!

My father’s childhood was not a very happy one but wasn’t bad either. My grandparents fought all the time, it was an arranged marriage, can you blame them? He doesn’t do well with arguments, he blows up like a 2yr old because he bottles everything up inside, I’m not sure if he knows how he acts is not normal or healthy? Besides this entire he is a good man, he has always been there for me and has provided everything I have ever needed in my life and that’s something to say for, some people didn’t/don’t have a father in their life or they did but he wasn’t around very much, or was a total jerk. Some women say they would like to meet a man like their father, being that I don’t want to get married I won’t be searching for a man like my father, but dating wise I would like a man to have the most important quality that my father has and that is to be there for me always. And if this guy never pops up in my life I will always have my odd father to count on.

I beg you, please leave me alone!

Women, the sex I know everything about but at the same time no nothing about. From pre-school to now I have never had a good relationship with women, I think jealously has played a big roll and I feel like they think I do it on purpose. For the record I don’t care how conceded this is all going to turn out! I have reached the icing on the cake of my pet peeve and I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to allow it to go on without feelings getting hurt. What has brought this on; I received news that my neighbor from across the fence of my parent’s house will be attending a family gathering that I will be going to in the next few days. I hate this woman to the core of existence; from day one she has made comments to me or about me as if I’m this “thing” in the room that has no feelings. She came over to my birthday party that I thought was only going to be just family, and right when she came in the door “Hello birthday girl, gosh look how skinny you are” then she turns to my aunt and starts talking about me as if I’m not in the room,”look how skinny she is, I wish I had her figure, she looks kind of pale, her hair cut is so fashionable”. My biggest pet peeve is people saying things about me on how I look and dress, I can’t stand it, I wish it would stop I really really really do. I wish I could walk into a room have no one say anything to me, sometimes I feel my own mother is jealous of me, she sometimes says “I wish I could wear an outfit like that, I used to when I was your age”. Lately I have been wondering if I could gain like 100lbs and stop primping myself and wore awful cloths maybe women would stop saying things about me or to me. The mother of the little boy I babysit for, says something to me everyday “if I had your body things would be easy” so being skinny solves all the world’s problems? ALL OF YOU………..FUCK OFF!!!!!!!! I don’t compliment women unless I really mean it, and it’s not often that I do. I also don’t think I’m that skinny, but then again I don’t see what everyone sees, I’ll never forget I was sleeping with this guy and after we were done having sex and we were putting our cloths back on he stopped for a second and said “girls must be jealous of your body” I didn’t know what to say so I just gave a little laugh. I promise from the bottom of my heart I don’t try to make other women feel threatened or jealous, I don’t see what they see, the only thing I see is me, Terese a young woman would like to be left alone, but if you feel the need to say something about me, just ask “how are you” instead of “I wish I had your figure”; that would make me feel normal and excepted by the sex that I should be able to get along with the most. A side from all of this, I love myself very much but the comments that drive me crazy makes it very easy to dislike myself and want to change so I can be left alone and not looked at. We all want what we can’t have, I would love to be taller, I wish I had beautiful skin, I wish I had manageable hair, I wish I was good at math……….the list could go on. I just want to have a normal, none threatening, none jealousy relationship with women, is that so hard to ask for?

The Quarter Life

I had been dreading it all of June and July I was not looking forward to turning 25 but then August came and my birthday weekend began. August 1 was Midnight Mass with Peaches Christ watching Purple Rain with my friends, then August 2nd was dinner with the family and August 3rd was the big day, I requested a BBQ at my guy friend’s house. It was I think the best birthday I have ever had, NO, it was perfect, good food, good booze and good friends is really all you need to have a perfect party!

Is it too early to say that I feel different already? I’m going to say so “no”. For sure I feel older, a little bit more mature, studding my aging process, watching the grays come in and then plucking them out one by one and trying not to forget to apply the eye cream hoping that the lines that I have will be less noticeable then yesterday; it’s like a different kind of puberty. In some way I feel I’m in a rush to finish out all the stupid things you can get away with when you’re in your 20’s but at the same time I don’t feel rushed. I know I have calmed down a lot over the years and I’m really proud about that, I used to be such an uptight nerdy prude, I guess a little sex and pot over the years calms you down and you learn to not be so uptight about the small stuff.

At the BBQ I had all the people who were over 25 tell me in a few words what was being 25 for them like, mind you I don’t remember all of them I was for sure drunk for this hallmark moment. I remember one girl said she leaned “Men sucked” but in a good way, some other girl said hers “sucked” and the last lady said “just stay wasted” she didn’t remember her 25th year very much, so she thought she must have had a good time. I’m very curious to find out what this year will hold for me, I really hope it will be a goal archiving year if anything. ;my birthday horoscope said I will be very goal productive this year, so maybe my wish will come true.

Nightmare, R.I.P. “No Name” and the Bad Day

I was healed up by gun point, the guy wouldn’t let us go, somehow I text 911 for help and realize if the guy finds out that one of us called (text) for 911 he would shoot us all. We were being kept in a barn by a corn field, and then somehow again, I break free to run down to the path leading away from the barn to tell the police to turn off there sirens……….. and then I woke up.

Nightmares always disturb me, I wake up with my heart racing and I’m all clammy, it takes the rest of my morning to calm down and I analyze the crap out of why did I have a nightmare “what am I stressed about, what am I upset about?” .

Each morning 4 days a week I set my alarm for 6am, Alice 97.3 gets me up to start my day, Sara and No Name are my morning hosts. I’ve been an avid listener for a long time; I think I started when I was in 6th grade so 96-97? I went through the heartbreak of Vinnie being fired from the show because he just stopped showing up for work (so I heard) and I was pleased when they hired his replacement “No Name” .But this morning “No Name” was not on the air because I guess last Fri he said something about autistic children and this made parents who listen to the show who have autistic children very upset. Okay so I get it, I get annoyed and sometimes upset when I come across people who know nothing about dyslexia, but I try to keep in mind that there are a lot of ignorant people in this world and I can’t focus all of my energy with anger on them, it’s just not worth it. So to the parents out there thank you, thank you for firing “No Name” and being the bigger person and making a big deal out of something that all you could have just done was TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING RADIO!!!!!!! Now I have to go through I’m sure a month maybe ever longer of wondering who could ever fill “No Names” spot……….no one ever will. R.I.P “No Name” you will be missed :(

After my morning scare and loss, my day passed by surprisingly fast and before I knew it I was back home, but when I opened my computer to find that the one class I need to finish school has been CANCELED, well ladies and gents this bad news for sure has been the icing on the cake. Do know what this means? I have to find a class that’s not full (good luck for me)I also have to take this canceled class in the spring when I was planning of being done with school……….oh the tears are flowing. Why me, why me? All my little dreams are yet again put on hold, I might as well just stop having dreams at this point, it seems the powers may be have a different plan for me.

That "feeling"

I take care of a little boy during the week and I take him on little adventures. I like to take him to the places that I would go to as a child. The first place I took him was Children’s Playground in Golden Gate Park, I haven’t been there in a very long time and I think I was a little bit more excited to go then he was. When we arrived it was pure madness, apparently 10am at the park is the hot hour, I had never seen so many kids before. Anyways, all of the play structure has been changed the only thing that has been kept are the cement slides and marry go-round. A feeling I was used to was no longer there, was it because I’m all grown up now? My friend Miguel and I one day took the little guy to the Zoo. As a child my Dad loved to take my brother and I to the Zoo and I have wonderful memories of going. The foggy Sunset days, wearing my colorful jacket, having a coke and hot dog with my Dad and brother, my favorite spots were the petting area and wanting to see the Lyons at feeing time, good times. So my friend and I get the Zoo and before we even get in that feeling was no were to be found. The Zoo changed their entrance to the Zoo is not even the same, it reminded me of some theme park, and the layout was all different.

I think I should have known better, there comes a time when Christmas and Easter doesn’t feel the same anymore because you have reached an age in your life were I guess you could say the “magic” is gone. My brother and I would wake up 6 or 7 am Christmas morning to see what we got from Santa and then go wake up our parents. Now I just want to sleep in, I say “F” the gifts, if Santa hasn’t left me a billion dollar check I could care less about what’s under that tree. And Easter, I used to love Easter more than Christmas. My family and I would go to my Grandmas house and all the family would be there, my older cousins would hide the eggs for my brother and I and one of them would ring the door bell to pretend it was the Easter Bunny letting us know he came by and hid the eggs. I would always run to the door and open it hoping I would catch the Easter Bunny and I would remember I would get so upset every time for missing him. After the let down, we would all go outside and hunt for the eggs, it was a big deal when my brother and I would find the eggs with our name on them, “the Easter Bunny knows who I am!!”. Awww good times.

So now what? The joys I had when I was a child have been long gone, what makes me excited now? Well living in such a selfish world when anyone remembers or goes out of there way for me, I think it’s a big deal, like I won the lotto or something. Going to shows to see my favorite band or DJ play live is very exciting. Meeting someone new is also exciting, and if the date goes well that’s even more exciting………I could go on but I’ll stop. I can see that I have many things to be excited about, they might not give me that “feeling” like I had as a child and I guess that’s okay, but a part of me will always miss it.

Deal with it and make a change!

I am noticing more and more women my age or around my age and even younger, like teens and kids are extremely insecure and the level of insecurity is scary. I have my own insecurities but I don’t feel I carry the level that other women have. My own would be my skin and the way I dress and the statues of my life right now I feel is not up to par the way I feel it should be, other than that I think I’m all good.

This thought came across my mind as I was getting a taxi ride home from after attending my friend’s birthday. When I was thinking in the car of the list I hear young women talk about its scary, are there less and less girls being raised to think that “you” are the only person that matters and no one else counts? I know that sounds cheesy but its true. Who is a magazine, the media or anybody else to tell me how I have to be, look or act. Maybe this is easy for me to say because I don’t have anybody issues. I was teased heavily when I was younger for being too skinny but I never understood what the big deal was when I got teased. Then when I got into high school some of the girls would say things and I still didn’t get it. Now that I’m adult I get it now, they think because I’m skinny life if perfect for me. WRONG!!!!!!!! Do you know how self conscious I am, the last thing I want to do is make some other women feel intimidated that I think I’m hot shit because I have a better body then her. Almost every day someone (women mostly) say something about my body and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. What do you say to “God I wish I was skinny as you” WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT???? I never know how to react; I wish I could say “Please leave me alone”. My mother never talked about my body, really the only thing she said was “I was skinny just like you when I was young; it runs in the family, there is nothing you can do about it”. So, there is nothing I can do about it, I can’t change this to make other women feel comfortable and you know what I wouldn’t! I’m not going to change to make you feel more comfortable around me. If anything women and young girls need positive role models to teach them who they are matters and no one else. I know I’m really lucky to have and had amazing women in my life that have taught me it’s not healthy to obsess over things like this. Focusing on speaking your mind, being louder than the guys, educating yourself and the most important part BEING COMFORTABLE BEING BY YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! I bet if this way of thinking was instilled on young girls things would be so much different. You have to love yourself and you need to learn how to be comfortable with yourself, it’s the best gift you can ever give.

Lost and Robotic

Smashing bottles is all I can think about. I’m in a field and I’m stand at home plate, this guy throws me a 40oz empty bottle and I hit it with my aluminum bat, glass flying everywhere the frustration that has been built up inside of me has been released and it feels so good. This thought of action that I would like to partake in has worried me a bit but if I was punching my little fist into walls then for sure I would be worried (and in a lot of pain). I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week on why I have been so angry, and I finally boiled it down to that change has happened and an opportunity that I want to provide for myself to make a life of my own is not going to happen as soon as I was hoping for.

Change can be good, change can also suck. In my case, it sucks and it will always suck unless this situation goes back to normal……….fat chance. Then this making a life for myself, I guess that will just have to be put on hold and continue to put everyone else first. It’s so tempting to tell everyone to go fuck themselves. I have also been thinking of taking a week or 2 off from everyone, not hanging out with my friends, ect., enjoying some serious me time. I kind of feel lost and robotic and would like the feeling of “life is awesome” to come back, because I know this mind state that I’m in is not healthy. I can’t even nap!! And for those who know me, napping is very important to me.

His name was Up-Chuck

It was going to be an awesome night, I could feel it. I went to SF State to see my friends who graduated, took pictures, gave flowers, went back to the apartment, smoked then went to this AMIZING Italian restaurant in the Castro all the waters were good looking, even the owner and the host, “Why do they all have to be gay, WHY???” Anyways, conversation was flowing, plates were being shared, my tummy hadn’t been this happy in a very long time. When it was time to go we met with my friend Heather then headed over to the gay club the Look Out. Music was fun; all the girls were their Britney, Mary J, Madonna and Robyn then to top it off DRAG QUEENS. I think I secretly want to be a drag queen I think they are so fabulous, a dream come true would be for one to do my make-up and then hang out with them for a night. Anyways back to the story….free drinks are being passed out I’m already kind of gone, I get on the dance floor with my friends, were grooving and then I feel someone come up behind me, hands all over my body, Heather’s laughing at me but giving me a look like “if you want him off of you let me know” what a good friend. I always get uncomfortable when dudes want to dance with me, I don’t know how to get freaky on the dance floor, in the bed room no problem, but the dance floor I just can’t do it. So I turn around and ask the guy his name he shakes his head, as like he’s this mystery guy, he says something in my ear an all I here is “ your blasdfhsdfsjhdfius” the dude was meagerly drunk he starts putting his face into my neck, I wasn’t sure what he was trying to do, kiss me? Then all of a sudden I hear a yak sound and I step back and I see him start to walk away covering his mouth I turn to Heather I tell her what just happened and she starts to laugh, I ask her to help me clean it up in the bathroom. The line is long, we have to wait, I feel so gross I want this t-shirt and sweater to be off so bad and me in the shower ASAP. I get cleaned up and I tell the rest of my friends my night is over, I think your entitled to declare once someone up-chucks on you, your night is over, GROSS!!! The best part of the night was winning movie passes to a pre-screening to Sex and the City and access to the after party!!!!!

Meet my brain

When everyone was picking up the ABC’s, 123’s and shapes I was the one behind. Took Kindergarten twice. Then first grade exposed me all, when I didn’t get what 2+2 was and my reading was slow. The school said to my parents that I should get tested, no surprise to my Mother. Tests after testes, ”Terese look at this picture and make this shape with these blocks” I don’t remember if I succeeded the task, all I knew was when my Mother would take me to these places I didn’t have to go to school that day and she would take me to Mc Donald’s for lunch. Test results came back…drum roll please…. “The kid is 100% dyslexic”. If I only knew back then how much this will for ever be a burden in my life till the day I die. How much I wish to see the world like a “normal” person, how much I wish to understand 99.9% of what people say to me, most of the time its only 50%, and that’s on a good day. I wonder sometimes what is my purpose with this body and brain when I can’t even use it the way I want to, or wish too. I’m not fast like the others, not in reading or thinking fast on my feet. I feel I offer very little to this world…humorous, being organized, memory of random things, a good friend, a good daughter, a nice sister, thoughtful, caring, but does all of this really matter? I know I’m not stupid, but I get scared sometimes that people think I am and that really bothers me, I hate exposing myself, as if I have AIDS or something. You have no idea how many time I have to explain myself to people when they don’t understand why I don’t understand something, I should make some kind of flyer for people to hand out, this is how it would go…

I’m dyslexic so this means: a difficulty with written language, particularly with reading and spelling. It is separate and distinct from reading difficulties resulting from other causes, such as a non-neurological deficiency with vision or hearing, or from poor or inadequate reading instruction. Dyslexia is most commonly characterized by difficulties with learning how to decode at the word level, to spell, and to read accurately and fluently. Dyslexic individuals often have difficulty "breaking the code" of sound-letter association (the alphabetic principle), and they may also reverse or transpose letters when writing or confuse letters such as b, d, p, q, especially in childhood. However, dyslexia is not a visual problem that involves reading letters or words backwards or upside down, nor are such reversals a defining characteristic of dyslexia. Also a neurological condition characterized by a problem with learning fundamentals and one or more of the basic numerical skills. Often people with this condition can understand very complex mathematical concepts and principles but have difficulty processing formulas and even basic addition and subtraction.

What Do I have a hard time with?:
1. Spelling
2. Math (cant do it to save my life)
3. Retaining information
4. Vocabulary

If you have a problem with this, or have questions please ask me and then take the rest up with God or who ever you beleave in.
(end of flyer)

I don’t know if it would help or save me some time explaining myself, but I think for sure I would get a little laugh out of it and also educate some of the mindless educators in my school a little education that they can stick up their ass. How the fuck can you act like you have never come across a student with dyslexia? FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! Like I say all the time, “There is no love for the dyslexic.” So I have to work 10 times harder then everyone else, do you know how tired I am at the end of the day? Do you know how frustrating it is to always be behind on the reading in class because you don’t read fast enough like everyone else does? There are day’s that go by that I ask the world to just give me a break sometimes. It would be nice to screw the top of my head off and take out my brain and set it in a jar on my desk and gaze out my window with not a care in the world, well how could I, no brain inside. I would put it back in don’t worry, but to get a rest from the on going battle I face with myself each day sounds so good. I am glad about one thing, I have a more understanding for others when they don’t understand something then people who don’t, and I think that says a lot.

Helper Girl

Sometimes when I stumble upon a penny on the street I’ll pick it up and as I put it in my pocket I hope it will bring me good luck for what I’m doing that day or what I’m about to do that day and then I also hope that my luck that I have picked up rubs off to the people around me. I’m not sure if thinking about other people is correct when you pick up a penny, but I have never been known to be selfish when it comes to thinking of others or helping out, in fact the best joy out of life is making people laugh and helping out; well for me that is.

For example a friend of the family called me up and asked me if I could watch her little boy for a few days during the week, I was very honored to be asked to help out, being that this woman is bed ridden because she is in a high risk state of possibly losing her 6 month unborn baby. She was really surprised that I said yes and was so happy that I could help out, we hung up and then she called me back to ask how much for babysitting, I told her “nothing, I’m just happy to help”, she refused to hang up until I threw out a number so I did and she thought it was too low, finally we came to an agreement of how much and then hung up. Later that day I met up with my friends and told them about this and one of my guy friends said, “Terese you know that’s really nice of you, if I was you I wouldn’t have said yes” and then when I told my boss the next day she said almost the same thing but added how most people would say no because there are a lot of selfish people in this world, witch over time and even more so now is very true. But at the same time I cant see why you would say no to someone in need?

When I was a child my mother would call me her “helper girl”, I guess I used to help her out around the house and with my baby brother, well as much as a 4-5 yr old could do. Not much has changed, still to this day she calls me that, and even though I roll my eyes when she says it I secretly love it. I remember in 2002 that summer after graduating from high school I decided to read Catcher in the Rye as a free read, and I enjoyed the book but I didn’t fall in love with it right away until Holden talked about how he wanted to catch people and in that very part of the book I cried and I think also I developed a crush on Holden because I thought that was the most unselfish thing to think of. Where have all the unselfish, helpful and trustworthy people gone? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, there are some things in life that I don’t like to help out on and I have my selfish moments and there are some things you cant trust me on but, I am human after all. I think there is a time and place for everything and I feel if you want to lead a happy life you must try to not be selfish and help out others as much as you can wither it be friends, family or your community. As taken advantage of and unappreciated I have been by others I’m never going to stop doing what makes me happy even though my trust will be jaded a bit, but I know doing the right thing is better then not being caring, helpful, trustworthy and unselfish.

I'm in love with Cyrano

My friend, I have my bitter days, knowing myself so ulgy, so alone. Sometimes -

No husband picked white fence and 3 kids for me thank you.

I had to host a baby shower over the weekend and I did the best job I could to keep a smile on my face and look like I was enjoying myself to no end (having an endless wine selection helped). At one point I was in the kitchen getting drinks for some of the women and they start asking me do I want kids, I tell them,” no” ( I knew this was not so easy to say) “oh your just saying that because your 24”, “ your great with kids, you’ll be an awesome Mom”. I let them talk and when they were done I tell them “I want to lead a selfish life, and with kids you can’t do that, also kids are expensive (I look at this women who has 5 kids already and with one in the oven, I’m a bitch) then they interrupt me, I hand them their drinks and I sneak out of the kitchen.

Fuck the traditional life, I want to see the world and never have to worry about making an amazing dinner 7 days a week for my family, or worry am I doing this parent thing good enough, oh and how can I forget the odds of my vagina possibly splitting to my ass whole while giving birth!!!! NO THANK YOU!!!! Then there is the risk of divorce or growing apart and just living together for the kids. I don’t have commitment issues at all, I’m very faithful to the guy that I’m dating but do people realize that marriage is FOR EVER?? I think who has the best life is my acting teacher Susan, she has a boyfriend and a dog and gets to travel to NYC and Paris all she wants, that’s what I want, how more perfect can that get?

Being that I haven’t been on a date for 7 months now, things look promising!

The way no man I think could ever fuck me.

When Monday hits I wish it was Friday all over again, and then Tuesday comes and I forget about how good it feels when I’m high and drunk on the weekend, more high then drunk. Music sounds so much better when your high, I’ll never forget the first time I heard music when I was high, I kind of got freaked out and then I collected myself and gave in and it was amazing, at one point I told my guy friend Blake “the music feels like cream running down my ear” I had no idea what I meant by that and I don’t think he did either, I just knew the music felt smooth to my ears. I let go of everything, I feel the music is in my sole, in my body, fucking me the way no man I think could ever fuck me(alough having sex when your high is awesome), it hugs me and holds me and I love every minute of it. I wish I could be high everyday but I would never get anything done I would just lay on the floor of my room all day and listen to music and then of cores leave the house for my reliable cravings Pizza, Twix and Kit Kat’s, every fucking time, it’s nice to know when I’m high I’m at least consistent ! As for the rest of my life and the people in it, that’s a different story, or blog should I say?

Admit it, we are the same....

I think one of the biggest pet peeves I have is feeling embarrassed, and for 3 months now that’s how I have been feeling……..I want to say something so bad but I know what I want to say isn’t going to change anything, I’m sure it would only make things worse dealing with the fact that this being is malicious and wallows in its own shit for the rest of the world to feel sorry for it (personally I think it just needs a really good blow and fuck ,the kind that you think your brain is going to explode out of your head). Why did you look at me all those time? I know why I looked at you, it was for a different reason than yours, do even you know that? Now I’m starting to feel sick, just knowing the fact that there will be times we might be in the same part of the city and I’m going to be the only one out of the 2 of us that’s going to care, my heart is going to race, my palms are going sweat, my stomach is going to feel weak and you’re never going to know this or care. So it turns back around to me feeling embarrassed for falling for a being that will never look or think about me.
If I could have a moment with you, I would push you up against the wall and tell you how much we are the same and how little we are different and then when the tears start that’s when I let parts of your shirt that’s crumpled up in my hands go and walk away and only hope you will come up behind me, turn me around and tell me, “your right”.

Liam Gallagher save me.

I sit in front of this computer home on a Friday night, it's been a while, being home on a Friday night; I've put Oasis "wonderwall" on repeat, i love when he say's " because maybe your going to be the one that save's me", lately i would like to be saved from this city. I love San Francisco, i was born and raised here, and so were my parents, i'm a rare breed. So i love SF but i dont think SF loves me, but then again i think no matter where i live (if i ever move) i will always be the fish out of water. I was really thinking about this the other day, the fish out of water thing, being that it was a topic in my acting class, " why do i feel thats my title of my life?" I think parts of it have to with the school i went to; when you go to a school with 60 kids from 6th to 12th grade.............it was a nightmare. We didnt have the sports games, dances and all the other things that a normal school has, i missed out on so much, and now being 24 i feel i'm playing catch up with myself more then ever, as if i know i'm going to die at 24 or something. I'm more board with myself then ever, i'm questing myself more then ever, and i have never been more into myself then ever. So Liam Gallagher will you save me form this fire that is out in my heart?