I'm a bad girl anyway....

My Last Apperence

I am writing this with a hurt heart and anger, my Saturday was more bitter then sweet. My sweet part was having a drink with my mother at the Little Shamrock, she has always wanted to go and I was happy to get to take her and what a perfect day on St. Patrick's day to do so!

My bitter part was with my boyfriends friends. I have talked about them before and I hope this is the last time I talk about them, because Sat was and will be the last time I ever want to see them! They are rude, they picked on me and made fun of me. They have no manners, their children are brats. And I have a feeling they don't really like me anyways, so I am going to do everyone a favor! From now on anytime my boyfriend brings up going over to the East Bay I will tell him I am not interested....it will not be easy because he can't just say "okay" EVERYTHING has to be fallowed with a "why, tell me the reason"...."okay, your friends are jerks and I would rather watch paint peel off the wall then spend a weekend day with them"!

I have cut people out of my life who I felt were not being nice to me and I will continue to do so. I am a very nice person, I never want to make anyone feel unwelcome around me and these people do a very good job of making me feel not-welcome! They need to learn some American manners, oh that's right they are from Europe, so there for they are better, well guess what your children are American and if you continue to live here your grandchildren will be American, so are you better then your own children?

Good bye East Bay Jerks, I'm looking forward to a weekend with out you and your brat kids!

A change of heart

Yesterday morning I was thinking about if Kony was found and was killed what would happen to all of the children? All of those children, 30 thousand of them are all fucked up (mentally disturbed), who is going to clean that up? Also, it wont be so simple for these kids to fall back into a normal routine if they get to reunite with their parents; that's if they didn't kill them. And what if they did kill them, who is going to take care of them, that's a lot of orphans!

I was also thinking, is finding this creep so simple? Send some US troops over, find the guy, kill the guy, everyone is happy and then our troops go home?
Kony has brain washed little boys to kill and when any outsiders come close they will kill so they run the risk of being killed as well. So in a way are we really helping the children after all? We want to save them, not kill them!

I didn't understand all of this video, but what I think I got from it was that if we proceed to support this Kony cause, are we ourselves are creating a new war? And if so, we are trying to end the Middle East one and end war for good! No one wants a new war!

My heart was all for this cause, and now I am having second thoughts, I don't want to be apart of something that might create a war! I remember the day it was announced when our troops were going to war back in 2003-4? I remember walking home from class and a feeling took over me, my heart felt heavy, the wind knocked out of me, knowing that things will forever be different...and they have! I want to help, but is the way they are asking the right way?

First step, right track....a come back!

it used to be movies and music

When I was in high school my life was all about music and movies. After high school I continued to stay with my hobby, I dont know when it happened but something got in the way or did I loose interest? I'm not blaming it on other people but I do have a hard time balancing my hobby's and people in my life. When I didnt have really any friends, I would go to the movies and rest movies A LOT, and when I was single I would go to concert or venue shows A LOT. I got to pick and choose how I wanted to spend my time, now I feel I can't. My life is mostly spent on looking for jobs and making sure I have my laundry done for the weekend because I will be with the boyfriend.

I would pick up a SF Weekly and Bay Guardian every Wed when I went to school and then I would check some of the movie houses on-line, I used to check out Pitchfork too. Now I'm all into fashion blogs, can I go back, can I be into both? Did I forget all about that part of my life because that's what I did when I was younger or because that was a really sad part of my life....I dont know, but I do know I miss it!

I miss my simple little bubble life, everything was in it's right place, everything was quiet, I had a routine, I had a routine, I dont have one anymore. I feel i'm not allowed.

I want to be able to do my thing without someone telling me otherwise, but thats not possible.

I'm not sure what's going to happen to me, but I'm scared that what used to make me happy will someday really disappear.

i NEED a friend

That is all.