Beyond the battle with the fog!

I am grumpy, I am a grumpy, grumpy person and I think I have been all my life. I also think I have been more grumpy being that I have not seen the sun in like a month....maybe even more!!!! I'm so desperate I would even go to Burning Man.....and that is saying a lot!!! Fuck this fog!!!

One day I was at a family event, the event was being held at this public park and all the cousins (older then I) seemed to want to eat at this table that was on this hill, I always wanted to hang out with the older kids, and I remember I had a plate full of cherry tomatoes and mozzarella squares....I'm sure I had other food but this is all I can remember (I might have been 7years old) I remember trying to climb up this dirt hill to the table holding my paper plate in one hand and trying to use my other hand to grab the ground to make it up this steep hill. I wasn't going well, the sandals I had on did not have a good grip to the ground and I remember calling for help and watching my lunch fall off my plate and roll to the bottom of the hill. Some of them looked at me, some of them laughed at me and some of them ignored me. I don't know if someone ended up helping me but I remember feeling so frustrated, embarrassed and pissed!

I have a hard time thinking of a lot of happy times in my life, the bad out ways the good, and being that I feel I am a grumpy person I think a lot about the bad. The good has started to come around more scene I have met My Guy but when the good comes sometimes I feel guilty, I also feel guilty for having him in my life.....hell I feel sometimes I should just be alone for the rest of my life!

I hate questions from other people, I hate it! I feel harassed, picked on, invaded. Even simple questions, I know it's awful but it's me.

I have never agreed with suicide but I read this Hollywood article last week of this guy killing himself because all of this dirty laundry was exposed and he was also in serious debt. I have always felt that God gave you this life and he is the only one to take you out of it, but I also understand when things get to be too much for someone, when life has not really worked out the way you hoped for or you just don't see the light down the tunnel happening any time soon, I get why someone want's to say good bye to life.

I am not an easy person sometimes to be with I am not an easy person with myself! There has been a battle going on for so long that I'm not sure it will even end.

I don't know what this blog is about, but I obviously had some things on my mind.

Chop Liver

Do you ever feel like chop liver sometimes? I do and have for some time now, but what can you do about it, if you say something it might come off as whining, so it's just better to sit back and smell like liver...or you can blog about it!

When I went to Europe to meet My Guy's family we staid with one of My Guy's friend, she was the nicest girl I think I had ever meet and I was really sad to say good bye to her, she was to me the ideal friend that I had always wanted...she thought about me, we thought about each other! We could really talk about things and we listened to each other and were interested in what we both had to say. Last week a different friend of My Guy came to visit SF, he knew her from a summer camp he had worked at, I had only met her when I was in Europe a few months back for just a few hours and she seemed nice so I was looking forward to meeting her again to her visit to SF! My only complaint was that she was a chatty Kathy, this girl could talk!!!! But besides that we got along very well, I played host and tour guide we girl talked it up, and she even got me a birthday present.....she didn't even really know me!!!! I was a little sad to say good bye to her as well because again the time spent with her was something I wish I could have all the time in SF.

I think I have always had bad luck, or I am just too nice and too sensitive, or maybe too needy, who knows but theses two girls showed me that my dream was made into a reality even if it was a for a few day's or 2 weeks! Is it wrong to want something so simple? The last 24 hours I have been thinking that maybe friendships are treated and thought about differently in Europe then in America, but then again I'm not sure because I was friends with a girl from Italy and she was a bitch to me. Maybe it was just these girls, maybe....it will be something I will remember and think about forever and I will never stop yearning for it!

Till then, I will be chop liver!