I am grumpy, I am a grumpy, grumpy person and I think I have been all my life. I also think I have been more grumpy being that I have not seen the sun in like a month....maybe even more!!!! I'm so desperate I would even go to Burning Man.....and that is saying a lot!!! Fuck this fog!!!
One day I was at a family event, the event was being held at this public park and all the cousins (older then I) seemed to want to eat at this table that was on this hill, I always wanted to hang out with the older kids, and I remember I had a plate full of cherry tomatoes and mozzarella squares....I'm sure I had other food but this is all I can remember (I might have been 7years old) I remember trying to climb up this dirt hill to the table holding my paper plate in one hand and trying to use my other hand to grab the ground to make it up this steep hill. I wasn't going well, the sandals I had on did not have a good grip to the ground and I remember calling for help and watching my lunch fall off my plate and roll to the bottom of the hill. Some of them looked at me, some of them laughed at me and some of them ignored me. I don't know if someone ended up helping me but I remember feeling so frustrated, embarrassed and pissed!
I have a hard time thinking of a lot of happy times in my life, the bad out ways the good, and being that I feel I am a grumpy person I think a lot about the bad. The good has started to come around more scene I have met My Guy but when the good comes sometimes I feel guilty, I also feel guilty for having him in my life.....hell I feel sometimes I should just be alone for the rest of my life!
I hate questions from other people, I hate it! I feel harassed, picked on, invaded. Even simple questions, I know it's awful but it's me.
I have never agreed with suicide but I read this Hollywood article last week of this guy killing himself because all of this dirty laundry was exposed and he was also in serious debt. I have always felt that God gave you this life and he is the only one to take you out of it, but I also understand when things get to be too much for someone, when life has not really worked out the way you hoped for or you just don't see the light down the tunnel happening any time soon, I get why someone want's to say good bye to life.
I am not an easy person sometimes to be with I am not an easy person with myself! There has been a battle going on for so long that I'm not sure it will even end.
I don't know what this blog is about, but I obviously had some things on my mind.
