December Favorites!

Merry Christmas!!

I forget to post for November, and I like to post my favorite things on the 20th of the month, maybe just doing it whenever of that month would be better....we shall see!

When I saw this girl posted on Stockholm Street Style I got all excited, I really LOVE her look and maybe some day be bold enough to get a hair cut like hers.....as for now I'm growing mine out as long as I can!!



It drives me crazy when I discover a band and you cant buy any of their music! The Misshapes would be one of them, also Leigh Lezark is HOT and what I also love about this band is that they are really really popular in the fashion world....how many bands/DJ's get to preform for a fashion show?




I am so hooked to these guys, I cant wait when they come to SF....I really hope they do!!

Regretting Arms!

Last Thursday night Arms and I met up at El Rio for drinks. I was super nervous and I had the voice my cousin in the back of my head repeating over and over again "be nice, first dates are hard!". When I arrived at the bar Arms bought me a beer and then we went outside to sit down.....I thought El Rio would be perfect because Arms could smoke away his nerves and I could keep my jacket on for security reasons! Conversation was going great, lots of things to talk about, I was making him laugh he was making me laugh we where keeping things classy.....until I think the booze started to really sink in with Arms!! I don't remember how it came up (I was a little buzzed myself!) but he asked what body parts do I like on a guy and I told him, "hands, nice thick clean hands, a wide back and a harry chest" he asked, "that's it?" I said "well no, but I'm trying to keep is classy" and he said, "well now you have to tell me" I said fine as I knew this information was going to get me into trouble!! I told him my love for saggy balls, he laughed and said that was hot, he then added that he doesn't think he has ever met a girl who loves balls....I guess I'm your first!! We met at the bar at 8 and it was now 11:30, he said he was hungry and asked if I was too, I said no but I'd go with him if he wanted to continue the evening, he said sure. We left the bar and went into a restaurant near by, at this point he was really dropping the sexy talk and I knew this guy wanted to have sex, but what I didn't know was that's all he wanted!!!!

I told him I have nothing to do the next day and he said he didn't as well, I offered to drive him home, we get to his house and he asked if I wanted to come in, I said sure. His room was clean and very organized I was VERY impressed! He lit up a joint and we smoked and talked some more, he was acting a little bit odd, but I didnt think too much of it. The chair I was sitting on was killing my ass so I moved to the bed, I guess this was an invite for him to make the moves so he did! Kissing, cloths coming off...he was a good kisser and he had some good moves, but then once he shoved my head down south everything else went down south! I forgot to mention that when I told him I liked saggy balls he said he had saggy balls.......UM NO HE DID NOT!!! I'm also going to say that this is the second middle eastern guy I have been with and the first guy's dick was so small that I got freaked out, Arms was packin just a little bit more but still a disappointment!! I really thought this guy was hung....DAMMIT!! He was also into some things sexually that I was not into, like cumming on a girls face or in her mouth, look cum tastes nasty I don't care what you think it is gross and messy and I don't like it!! BUT I let him do it once....I didn't know that he was going to do it!! The sex was whatever, after we were done he sat in his bean bag and I sat up on the bed, he asked if I wanted to smoke some more and I said, "I don't think its a good idea if I'll be driving home tonight, unless you want me to stay" he said "Yeah, I think its better if I didn't spend the night I'm really tired and it might be awkward the next morning" NEVER HAVE I EVER BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE AFTER SEX, NEVER!!!! I got up put my cloths on he walked me to the car, gave me a hug and then said "call me if you want to hang out again, I'll leave it up to you" I smiled and said okay, I got into that car and deleted him from my phone and then cried on the drive home!!

What did I learn from this? That I'm kind of a sad person? I will never sleep with a middle eastern guy EVER again! I need to really figure out what the hell do I want because I think I'm VERY confused!! One part of me wants a boyfriend and then the other just wants to fuck.........one or the other T!!!

That morning I work up and I could feel the all of my eye shadow and mascara crusty around my eyes, my mouth tasted like a condom and my heart felt like it was in my stomach, I wanted to die!! And I still kind of feel that way, not so much about what happened last Thursday but this was just like the icing on the cake for me from other things going on in my life and I'm really sad!

I Blame Coco!

Determined for Arms!

I don't know if I have talked about how I'm kind of good at stalking people on the internet.....well I am!! All I need is a name, not even the full name and more than likely I will find you...creepy? I had been looking for Arms every now and than but nothing came up so I figured he was one of the few people who haven't jumped on the social networking sites like the rest of the world; until one cold rainy night I told myself "T, you dig deep like you never have before"! And...I found him!!!

What brought this on was besides the fact that he's hot, it was the eye games, I knew he was interested in me and that kind of attention doesn't happen very often for me....unless I'm unaware of it! So I find that he has a music profile and a regular one, I got VERY excited about this and emailed my friend and cousin the link, both gave me thumbs up; and so did my gay boy!! I wanted to send him a message being that class was over and if all along he was just looking at me because I was odd looking nothing bad would come out of this, I just wouldn't get a reply back or a "fuck off physco!". One of my guy friends I asked to be my Cyrano with the emails being that what I was going to send him was too long and not aloof enough....I admit I dont know how to play it cool, I just be me, sometimes that works and sometimes it doesnt....and this aloof thing did!! With in a few hours he messaged me back saying...

"hey,

How do you pronounce your name?!?!

Yes the math class is in fact really lame.....I've been meaning to ask you your name, now i know how to spell it...

I like your swagger

anyways...peace for now "

No your vision is not messed up you do indeed see "swagger", never have I ever had a guy say that to me, nor did I know that that word was still used!! A few people gave me crap about how I was making a big deal out of nothing and I should give this guy a chance, and I am...he's hot and I need to get laid!! I message him back and then he sends one back to me and at the end if it he says, "maybe we should hang out sometime..." JACKPOT!! I got very excited and I replied back saying yes that would be cool and gave him my number, later that evening he sent a text letting me know this was his number (this happened last night). I'm crossing my fingers and he gets the balls to call me and we do really go out, I haven t been on a date in while as well, that would be nice too!!

Some not great things have happened this year for me and maybe just maybe Santa might notice and throw me a bone(r) my way!!

I'll keep you posted!

Would a Vampire know if I was on my period? Yes I'm going there!!

A friend of mine posted a video on FB and it totally got me excited because this has been a question of mine for a long time but I find it VERY VERY odd of me of why out of all the things I talk about WHY HAVE I NEVER BROUGHT THIS UP??? I mean I talk about with my friends how much I LOVE saggy balls or getting slapped on the ass or I talk about when I get a Brazilian wax, but not this??? Well now I am everybody!!!

Back in the day I was a big fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I remember one day the thought came to mind, but that was it I just left it as is. But being now with all this vampire craze, the question is now more on my mind, would a vampire know if I was on my period? Also, if vampires where real and I came in contact with one and he wanted my blood, could I offer him to give me oral sex while I'm on my period, that way he's getting what he wants and I'd get some pleasure out of it as well! I also want to know can a female vampire get her period, I know vampires are dead in away but your body is still working...so could it be possible? AND WHY HAS THIS NEVER BEEN TALKED ABOUT????? Well....I can see that this isn't the most glamorous topics of all things to talk about BUT COME ON!!!

I'm posting the video that was shared by a friend and the other one is a little long and kind of boring but is somewhat informative!

Crave right now!

Enjoy!

Don't know how long I can go....

I feel like there is this hour glass floating on top of my head, and its really making me upset. I don't know if I can give school another semester, I don't know if I can take care of one more kid and I don't know how much I can take of feeling left behind. I've been thinking about going back to therapy but every time I think about it I feel its not going to help this time because my therapist isn't going to make me feel better about math or being single or feeling left out in life; that's only something I feel I'm going to have to do on my own. She would only be a new ear for me to vent to, and it just doesn't seem worth it.

Today I had to bring my baby cousin to pre-school and the location is not the greatest to get to when you don't have a car, but its manageable, just a long fucking walk! I love her so much, but apart of me did not want to do this today, the bus was packed, I had 2 big bags, one mine (I was going to go to class right after) and then the dipper bag; I also had the stroller and the kid. I drop the kid off, I felt sad that she cried when I left, but it was nice at the same time to know I would be missed. I had to take a differnt route to class, because of the location of the pre-school was, when I got on the street car I was wearing my headphones and daydreaming as usual, at some point I notice all the people sitting in front of me where looking kind of in my direction, I turn my head and see an old man laying on the floor between the door and the step! As I'm about to get up, some people rush over to help him, his hand is bleeding and the street car will not be moving for a while because the Muni driver says he's going to call for the ambulance. The ambulance comes, the EMT guys were taking their time I felt a little too much, and at this point I was wondering should I get off and just walk the rest to class....my toe still kind of hurts and the blocks around the neighborhood of school are SO LONG!!! So a Muni cop gets on and asks people what happened, I seem to be the only one who knew the most detail, and he asks for my name and I tell him I didn't see the whole thing so you can have my name! We all have to get off and go to another street car, I made it just in time for class.

I sit down and I start to get all terry eyed, my math teacher comes over to see how I'm doing with the homework and he see's I'm kind of crying I tell him "today is not a good day" he says that's okay and leaves me alone. I notice that Arms is in the testing room, I guess he still has not passed the last test yet you need to take to pass the class....WHY!!! The game, I am SO OVER the eye game, like just pass this test so I don't have to have sexy thoughts running in my head when I'm on the bus going home......or in class!! I really really really wish I could find out what he's thinking when he looks at me, does he think I'm odd looking or hot? Does he want to do crazy kinky things to me or does he think who would touch me? I wish there was a right moment to talk with him but there isn't, I really don't get life sometimes, I really really really don't!

I'm crossing fingers and toes for 010 to be better, because 09 has been no good!

TCB all the way!

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Why does this shock me??

Yeah....

1993No Rain by Blind Melon from KanaFu on Vimeo.

Honstly Whining

I was thinking yesterday as I was whining to myself of how the fuck did I get a cold; that maybe I should change the tittle of this blog to "The girl who whines", being that most of my blogs are about how my life is so unfair. I know its not but for me personally it is. I saw the movie Precious on Sunday with some friends and it's a really sad movie, I knew it was going to be sad but I thought there was going to be a happy ending, not really. The movie is based on a novel, I don't know if the story is true, but for sure this lifestyle is true! Precious was never loved, her Mother and Father sexually,mentally and physically abused her, her father got her pregnant twice and she had both children all under the age of 17; she later finds out that she also got HIV from her father as well. There was a moment in the movie that she's crying to her teacher about how she's never had anyone love her, she's never had a boyfriend, nothing good has ever happened in her in life other than her children. I cried because this girl never stood in a chance in life, and its really scary and sad to think that their are people like this in real life, who just will never stand a chance. Sometimes I feel this way, as all of my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wife's and I have no one, and most of my weekends are spent at home in front of the T.V. with an Amy's pizza and a glass of wine with my Mother and I deciding witch house the couple should choose on House Hunters, I feel so pathetic. There was a time I had no friends, and now I have some, but in way I feel I don't, my social life has changed a lot over the last year, but I tell myself I have people who love me very much, and I know they do, but I want a different kind of love that they cant give me, but deep down inside I don't feel I should have it.

Lately I've been really depressed (I have talked about this) and I knew why, but I felt I wasn't getting to the root of why, until today. I miss my brother not being home, not that he ever was home a lot, its really hard for me to expect that he's living a life that I think about all the time, but at the same time am really scared about. As much as I want to get a real job and move out and have a life my family knows nothing about I wonder can I do it? I also get scared thinking if this does happen, will I finally be happy? I don't know if I've ever been 100% happy, I also think about will I finally be worthy enough to be with someone, because I don't feel I am now.

The worst person in my life is myself.

Lanvin, Givenchy and Gucci, BRAVO!!

I dream of wearing Lanvin, and this SS collection is amazing!


Givenchy, nice job!


Gucci used ALL of my favorite colors, and patterns, I love psychedelic patterns on dresses! Oh and the shoes and jewelery....DIE!!!

The Evidence (its ugly)

This what happens when you have no fat on your foot (this is what my aunt told me) and a 1lb 4oz full starch can for ironing falls on your 4th toe!!

I've got the hot's for a barbaric!

He's in my math class, and he has the most barbaric name I have ever herd, I told my brother about him and he threw out every joke in the book about this guys name......but he has the most sexist arms I have ever seen; he's just this man's, man all man!!! He's going to go by Arms. Now maybe at this very moment I want him more than the other 2 months of school I have been having class with him because my hormones are going crazy because the last time I got shagged was by Mr. Romanian and he was not all that in the sak!! I'm looking for a man who knows how to work it, and I think Arms might be my ticket to a good time.......but then again I don't really want ANOTHER fuck buddy.......but I don't really see Arms and I hitting it off outside of the bedroom only because he smokes like a pack a day I bet and I have a feeling his friends and my friends wouldn't get along very well, his fashion is not the greatest but it is WAY better than Mr. Romanian's. We have made eye contact a few times, but I cant look at him for very long because I turn all red and my heart pounds like a mile a second.......I think he might be interested only because one day when we were both in the testing room and our teacher called roll and he called my name Arms turned his head all over the room looking for me.....is that good? I asked my brother what did he think if I went up to him and asked him if his name means anything, he said that was kind of dumb........now I'm rethinking this.....maybe ask him something about the class? Ahhhhhhhhhh,I want some dude interaction or I might hump something that doesn't need to be humped!!

Should I or Shouldn't I?

Any smart person knows their are two sides to every story, and its never wise to be one sided until you have herd both sides, but that's not the case for some people.

I think when I was 10, I carpooled with 3 other kids from SF to Belmont, to attend a school for kids with dyslexia.It was 2 girls and 2 boys, the oldest boy I had a huge crush on, his name was Chris and the 2 of us would fight all the time, everything I said and did was stupid and he never let me forget it.....and I still liked him, maybe this is why I like jerks? Anyways, the other boy was the youngest, he was 6 I think and then it was myself and the other girl she was kind of a year younger than me. I wouldn't say we where the best of friends but I wouldn't say we were not friends. I hung out with her on the weekends sometimes, do stuff with her family, until one day things changed like completely!! Her parents didn't intend her to stay at this school for too long because going to the "it" school was very important to them, so once she was able to get in to the other school our carpool got broken up, the older boy stared high school and the younger boy's family moved out of the bay area, and I started to carpool with a different bunch of kids who all disliked me I think because I wasn't Asian.

So this girl and I didn't see much of each other too much after she started to go to the other school, but every now and then we would hang out. At this time I made friends with this girl, Anna, in my class and one day I get this phone call from her asking me if I knew a Peter... and I said yes that's my friends brother,Anna tells me she was at Great America with some friends and some how started to talk with this guy Peter and he knew of this school in Belmont, he said his sister used to go there and he asked if Anna knew T and she said yes, that's her friend and he said to her, well tell T that we don't like her anymore! I forget all the details but I do remember it was a total shock to me, I didn't get it, what did I do? I also don't remember if I tried to call this girl,(lets call her N)to ask her what did I do, but I do remember the day I saw her at church!

It was time to get in line for communion bread and I think my parents where standing in front of me, and I remember N and her cousins and neighbors where inline across from me and they were all whispering and laughing and then looking at me as if I was the most awful person of the face of the planet!! I didn't get it, I also felt REALLY uncomfortable. After mass, I told my Mom in the car and she said she saw what was going on and didn't like it. I guess maybe my Mom told one of my Ants, and my Ant told her the reason why this might be going on......I feel like I told this story in a other blog, but oh well. One day my Ant wanted to meet her husband at the finish line where the Bay To Breaks ends and she knew parking would be crazy so she asked my Mom if she could ask N's parents if it would be okay to park her car by their house because they lived not too far from where the BTB was, N's mother said yes to my Ant but told her she wouldn't be home but her husband would be to answer the door(to hand over the car keys just in case the car needed to me moved). Now N's father knew what time my Ant was coming over, so when my Ant rang the door bell, N's father opens the door with nothing on but a towel.......by the way this man is the most unattractive man also the most creepy!! My Ant was a little embarrassed, but N's father wasn't, he asked her if she would like to come inside and told her no one is home!!! My Ant declined and told him she changed her mind about the car and left. Now maybe N's father got worried and told his kids to stay away from T and her family for whatever reason/lie I don't know but all i do know is that my social life changed a lot over those years, it wasn't easy! So this is where I ask you should I or shouldn't I.....

Should I leave it be the past? Or should I contact N and ask? I'm just really querious, I have been for a VERY long time, its like this Pandora's Box, even though more bad could come out of this, at the bottom of the box was hope so maybe some good could come out of this as well........clear the air if you will?

"Cruched"

Yesterday around 4:30 I went down stares to iron some pants, I needed to move the ironing table away from the wall a little bit, on the table was a full can of starch that I really didn't think much of when moving the board......UNTIL THE CAN FELL ON MY TOE!!!!!!!!!! I was wearing socks, that maybe that helped a little? But not much because it fucking HURT, right when it happend I sat on the floor and held my foot and said every cuss word in the book then I started to cry, I told myself to calm down maybe its not that bad, so then I got up and tried to make it up stares to call my friend but when my foot made the second step it felt like someone was stabbing my toe!! So I went into my parents room to call my Mom, I told her what happened as clearly as possible (I was crying like crazy!!), she said she would be on her way home ASAP! So then I crawled up the steps to call my friend to let her know that I will not be able to make it to the art show tonight....she told me to put some ice on it and elevate it, I might or might have not broken the toe, but ether way you can't do much for toes :( She stayed on the phone with me till Mom got home (such a good friend).

I was SO upset this happened to me because I was really looking forward to going to this art show, I had a cute outfit all ready, I still had some of the awesome weed my brother gave me and was ready to share it my friend, she said she was going to bring mini bottles of champagne, and I could only imagine all the cute boys that would be attending this event.........but I would not be going :(

So Mom comes to the living room, I cry again (I'm going to milk this a little bit) she calls my Ant because my Ant is the best "blow smoker" EVER, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry this happend to you, your such a sweet girl, how awefull, I'm so sorry baby..." My Mother has never been one to talk like that, the only sweet things she says is "I'm sorry honey" and that's fine, but for something like this that took me by shock and freaked me out, because all I could think about was did I break my toe, I needed some "smoke blown" up my ass :)

That night the pain really bugged me and my Mom said we should go to the hospital tomorrow morning and at first I was fine with that but then I thought, I want to sleep tomorrow not wake up at the butt crack of dawn on a Sat morning to go to a hospital, so I asked her if we could go now.......and turn off Wyatt Earp, God I love that movie and Tombstone too; I don't want to have kids but if I ever had a boy Grant and Wyatt have been my top favorite names (their is a goth/hick in me). Okay so we get to the hospital, they see me right away, did not expect that, they put me in a wheel chair and my Mom wheeled me around and MANY times almost hit my bad foot agent chairs and walls.......I almost killed her!!! They took my x-ray, and then put me in another room for the doctor to see me, they doc comes in said your toe is not broken but it is "crushed", the blood vesicles got all...well crushed, and he said this kind of thing REALLY sucks, he said it will take about 2-3 weeks to heal. Wonderful!!! So now when I go to school, not only will I be wearing sweats I'll be wearing athletic sandals.....that I only wear around the house, no cute boots, flats or oxfords for me :(

I was thinking could this be karma? I think I've talked about how I'm really big on everything happens for a reason, and I was thinking as I was laying down on the hospital bed, was this karma? I feel I have suffered enough, with having a yest infection for a MONTH!!! To boost my ego, I want to share a pic with you in what i wore for Halloween.

Gimmi, gimmi, buy me buy me!

You will not be missed October!

I'm really hoping that November will be a little bit better! So far its just whatever. My Halloween was pathetic, but it could have been more pathetic I guess if I had just stayed home, that was almost going to happen! I called my friends up last minute and they let me tag along to 2 parties they were going to. The first one was nice/okay it was over in SOMA, I dressed up as a blond witch, a sexy blond witch!! But as usual I was the only single person at this party and felt the youngest!! The next party was really sad, a part of me is slapping my other part of me for feeling depressed!! We arrive to this guys place and it was only him and 2 other guys....the guy is kind of handicapped and apparently he sent out a mass email to LOTS of people and almost no one showed up!! I felt sorry for the guy, he seemed nice, but also seemed he tried too hard to be "cool". There was a movie playing called Society it was just finishing up, this movie I think was the most bazaar and gross movie I have ever seen, it wasn't even scary it was just weird!!

As I cam out of the shower this morning I was thinking I get really selfish when I'm depressed, and bitter, very very bitter. In general I don't see myself as a cherry person but I don't think I'm a downer, I guess I'm in the middle? I'm not happy with so many thing right now, and its really frustrating because there is not much I can do about it. Like I said this other part of me is slapping myself in the face because I know I have it better than that guy I saw last night, I know I do but its hard to really know it when your in a rut. I've also been wondering do people really want to be my friend, or do they just feel sorry for me? I never want anyone to feel sorry for me.....only about school, I don't need pity, I would rather have you not be my friend than be my friend because you feel sorry for me! I have no desire to do anything, today I was thinking about going to Dolores Park and do some HW, but I changed my mind because I knew I would have to get all cute, but if I just sat out in my backyard I could be a bum!!

I sympathize with the dog!

I've been taking care of a dog this week and as much as I love him he drives me crazy! He's very needy, wines about everything....hungry, not giving him enough attention, I'm leaving the house and he's not coming, wants to be on the bed with me....bla bla bla! But in a way I shouldn't make this such a big deal, I found out on Monday that his owners like their turtles better than him (the dog)and I kind of found that to be a little sad, I also herd that they ignore him, the only one that gives him any kind of attention is the oldest daughter; I'm sure its not much being now that she's in high school. I guess I would be acting the same way, all needy, I'm in a house where people are nice to me and give me attention and love, my own owners don't even give me that! I feel sorry for the guy, in a way I can sympathize.

I have been feeling really depressed for the past month now, I'm also very bitter, I don't want to socialize with others, if it was up to me I would just live in my room 24/7! I'm not happy with so many things, over all my life, most of the time its with myself but this time its with my life.....well I guess a little bit with myself. I wish my brain was good at math, I'm very envious of my brother, he visited another country and has moved out all in the last 2 1/2 months! I'm starting to hate this city, I feel very little good has happened for me here, but where would I move to? The only thing holding me is my Mother, I'm very close with her, and other day at a family birthday party she fainted in the bathroom and all I could think about on the car ride home was "what if I lived in LA or NYC, my Dad would have been the one to take care of her, he kind of sucks at that job" Yes I know other family members would and did help out but me being kind of a control freak scared me!

This weekend was all about family, and as much as I love my family sometimes I wish I lived far away so then I wouldn't be sucked into doing stuff for them. On Fri I was sposed to go to a dinner but my Aunt got sick so the dinner was called off, I had 2 invites from friends but me being so anti I stayed in, and around 8ish went with my parents to see my Aunt to see how she was doing.....I got $20 bucks for stopping by? Then Sat, I didn't mind so much, we went over to the East Bay to celebrate my cousins 4th birthday, that was fun until my Mom fainted!! And today, I wanted to shoot myself, I had to go back over to my Aunts house to help out her husband with his iPhone, that took about an hour and 20 min!!! He gave me $50? Then I had to go with my Mom to pick up a picture at Cheep Pets, drive over to her work to drop it off, then drive to Safeway and come back home........did I mention today's weather was perfect??? I should have been at Dolores Park with friends drinking and smoking, or doing something a 20 something does on a weekend....I wouldn't know, I don't have a life!!I know this might be TMI, but I have had a yest infection for a month now, the fucker wont go away, I have been on 2 different kinds of meds, I want to rip my vagina out of my body......it wont be any use to me anyways, I just keep meeting one looser after another!!

This is Buddie!

October Favorites!

Love, Loss, and What I Wore: Kate Lanphear
Dear Aunt Bunny: Studs, jeans, and Balenciaga...I gotta be me

I come from a conservative Irish-Catholic family. My parents are judges, and I have a sister who’s a lawyer. She’s an all-American girl: Abercrombie jeans, Old Navy hoodies, Nikes. My Aunt Bunny and godmother, Auntie Esther, are two of the most put-together women of all time. Esther’s impeccable bag was always coordinated with the most polished shoes, both offering subtle contrast to her perfectly tailored skirt suits.

My closet, however, is filled with studs, chains, rock ’n’ roll T-shirts, and black skinny jeans. The clothes that feel most like my own skin are the ones that are a little aggressive, a bit punked out: Balenciaga shoes and YSL blazers—I could blow my life’s savings on Givenchy and Alaïa.

If you asked me who my style icons were, I’d say I began with old-school heavy metal. I love the androgyny and the glam. In high school I covered my bedroom walls with Axl Rose posters. Appetite for Destruction was out, and I trailed Guns N’ Roses’ tour bus in my Honda Civic (its plates read AXL LVR). I had these amazing, skinny, tight-enough-to- cut-off-your-circulation acid-wash jeans with an inky blue plastic zipper that ran up the seam, purchased at Spencer’s Gifts at the mall. I had begged my mom for them. They were part of a look: slouchy suede boots, oversize suede jacket, outrageous jeans. Breaking the suburbatopian mold by wearing metalhead garb definitely wasn’t something one did to fit in with the cool kids in Fairfax, Virginia.

My getup was an even bigger faux pas with the family. For awhile I gave their Hyannisport compound ideal a shot. I wore glen plaid trousers from the Limited to Aunt Bunny’s for Christmas. “Oh my God, you look amazing!” she said. Meanwhile, I felt like an imposter.

The awkwardness and inner conflict got worse when I started out as an assistant at a fashion magazine. There was so much pressure to dress the part. I decided I had to fake it to make it. Carolyn Bessette was the girl du jour, so I did my best mimicry, wearing LBDs at an appropriate but unflattering length, with pointy ladylike slingbacks. Then one day in a vintage shop I found…a pair of skinny acid-wash jeans. It was like, Ahhh!—a halo was shining around them. I wore them every day. When I got my first big break, I thought, “Screw it, I’m wearing the jeans to the interview with the editor in chief.” I wanted to see what would happen if I was real. I remember telling her, “I’m not your typical fashion editor. I work hard and I know my stuff, but you should know, I’ll be the one wearing acid-wash jeans.” I got the job.

Once those skinny jeans came into my life, everything that wasn’t authentic—the whole WASPy facade—dropped away. That’s the thing about fashion: You can use it to hide, but it’s only magic when you use it to express who you really are.

Take it slow, take it easy on me......please!

The World doesnt owe me anything and dating is an exception!

You rock Taylor Swift!!!!


I think maybe I'm better single too!

What am I good at?

What I am good at I think doesn't matter in life, so in a way I'm good at nothing!

If only...

If only I could 5'8, I'm 5'4!

If only I found eating to be fun again, I have realized a few days ago I'm depressed and I have noticed that I have been looking a little bit more thin than usual :(

If only there were not so many frogs in this city and more prince's!

If only I had the courage to break up with Mr. Romania!

If only I could pass this math class.....maybe next semester!

If only I found joy getting ready to start my day, at this point I don't even care what I wear, I'm putting no effort, my cloths don't bring me joy like they usually do!

If only I could get out of this funk!!

Crazy Dreams!

I know hearing or reading about other peoples dreams are not that interesting but I have had 3 crazy dreams in 3 nights and I really feel like sharing them!

1. I was on some island and I was standing in a shallow pond of beautiful clear blue water and all of a sudden a herd of zebra's come running past me in all different directions but they were not your average zebra's, like black and white, their body was like a lava lamp/a Basso&Brooke dress, it was crazy beautiful!! Then the zebra's turned into guys........hot guys, and one of them came up to me and started talking to me but I dont remember what he said; all I do remember is he pointed to the right and I walked off and ended on some ship with a little boy running around and my father trying to go with him on some elevator that was for employees only......CRAZY!!!




2. So I know my friend is going to roll her eyes when she reads this, but IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!!! The Writer was in my dream (the guy who I had acting class with) we were naked in bed......this bedroom by the way was covered in books and it was dark, dark red and black seemed to be the them!At one point he takes this little little pepper shaker and shakes white stuff on the pillow and sniffs it up his nose and I ask him
was that coke and he says yes and then I tell him how I have been thinking of trying coke and then that was the end of the dream.........CRAZY!!!
FYI: I don't plan on trying coke EVER!!!!

3. My 3rd was very weird, some parts are a little fuzzy so excuse me for that! I'm in LA and its at night and I'm hanging out with 2 of the girls from the TV show The Hills Audrina Patridge and Stephanie Pratt and Miss DVF (Diane von Furstenberg!)I'm trying to park my car (I should have been driving something expensive, not a Nissan!!)anyways, we park the car by a corner store and I wasn't that happy about it but the girls told me the car was going to be fine, after we get out of the car I dont remember where we went but I do remember coming back to the car and one side of the car was smashed, so I turn to DVF and tell her she should give me $400 for the car and she said "Oh okay fine, but only because I make so much money darling" then this rose colored van shows up and DVF tells everyone to get in but before we get in the van we notice that there is a party going on in this building by my wrecked car, I ask her can we go and she says I can just walk into any party!
The End!

Get Shaky!

All Mixed Up

On Sunday Mr. Romanian and I went to the Folsom street fair.....against my will, it has never been a dream of mine to attend this "expressive" sex fest, but I went! I knew for sure I never wanted to go the day I saw pictures of a man trying to stuff his own fist up his own ass!!! Thank God I didn't see that on Sunday, but I did see more penis in one day than I have ever seen, more cock rings than I have ever seen and more men than I have ever seen........too bad the majority of the population at this even were gay!! There was this one guy getting tied upside down and then his balls were getting tied separately........um ouch!! The one thing I did enjoy was the spanking booths, even though is was man on man, or chick on chick, it was nice to see that I'm not the only one likes a good slap on the ass from time to time ;)

Okay back to on topic! After the fair Mr. R and I needed to fill our tummy's so we headed over to Farmer Brown, the food was awesome, conversation was going great and then at some point ( I don't remember how it started)he starts talking about us/me. He tells me how sweet I am, how trusting of a person I come off, I come from a good family, I tell good stories, I'm funny, he says he always has a good time with me......then he brings up the trusting part again and I find this to be a little fishy! I told him, what you see is what you get, no bull shit from me, then I asked him should I assume your a trusting person? He smiled and said yes, then he said he feels he can trust me that if we got married I would try to screw things up, he didn't say it in those words but I got the idea, and then he said something along the lines of I hope we can stay friends for a very long time. I was losing my shit but I had to control myself I was in public and I didn't want people to look over at the girl crying! So I just made lots of nods and got very very quiet, he could tell something was wrong and wanted me to talk and I told him we will talk about it when we get back to your place he said fine and started talking about something else. When I tried to engage in the conversation a little tear slipped down my cheek, he got very worried and held my hand and said "sweetie, i'm sorry if I upset you, i didn't mean to I was just sharing how I felt" I ingorned what he said and went to talk about why I don't like having Thanksgiving with my family.

Why was I upset? To boil it down I still down know, I have been eating like a pregnant woman (PMS, or depressed)I want to stay in bed and hid from the world! See when he was telling me all of this at one point I looked up at the sealing and thought "Are you fucking kidding me, God, again?" meaning, I got caught up in the friend category, or the fuck buddy category AGAIN!!! Why cant I just have what everyone else has? I have only been in love once, I would like to have it happen again, I deserve it, both of my female friends have boyfriends so why cant I? I feel I have missed out on so much in life, and by marring a guy to help him become a US citazine, what would it be in it for me? Money, the 2 things would be helping him out and I get paid lots of money he tells me. I told him, my family will always take care of me, so I don't want your money! He said that's fine but I would still give it to you! At this point I wanted the check and get back to his place get my stuff and never see him ever again! When we got to the subway I was really trying to hold back the tears but they just came, he saw and gave me a hug and ask me to talk with him and I told him i'll talk when we get home (lie). We finllay get to his place, I use the bathroom and then go to his room, pick up my stuff and tell him I'm leaving.

I'm crying when I say this, he asks me to sit down on the bed next to him I tell him no, I'm leaving, we are on 2 different pages in what we want from people and I'm not going to waist my time! He pulls me close to the bed and then on his lap, kisses me and asks me to tell him what I was thinking at the restaurant. To be honest the conversation is kind of a blur, I just know I was crying so much and I was so upset! I do remember telling him I want to be in a relationship, I want to be someones girlfreind and maybe down the road I would like to get married but I wouldn't want to marry someone for the reason of what he wants, because I felt (like I said up top) what would it be in it for me? He said I would be giving him this awesome gift, I would probably never have to work, with the ability for him to now get his dream job he would be making so much money I would never have to work...........I dont want your money! He asked me to stay, I said no, it went back and forth, he tried to kiss me and I just turned away. Then he said, "okay, lets forget about this whole thing and lets just carry on like we have been, okay?" I said okay, he added that he likes me a lot, he told me I'm the longest girl he's gone out with for a while, most girls would only last 2 weeks, and we have been together for a month now.

I'm all mixed up! One of my friends said, stay with him until he starts pressuring me into the marriage thing, I kind of liked that idea. My other friend said, I should make him call me his girlfriend being that at some point I am someone he would like to marry, that idea is not bad either!

I'll keep you posted!

September Favorites

A dream on my arm!

This Givenchy Nightingale bag I would LOVE to have....but its almost 2 grand ;( I need me a sugar daddy!


I'm Not Your Toy!!

I haven't been a big fan of her regular songs, but have enjoyed her remixed songs, but this one needs not to be touched!!


Sparkle me!

This is Karla, from Karla's Closet and when she posted this little number I died!! I went on a hunt for a sparkle top and look what I found....

This screams to be worn around the holidays, don't you agree?


Kate you did it again!

I had been meaning for a while now to get a "rocker" tee, influenced by the Olsen twins but when I saw this photo of Kate I was like "ASP Miss T", so this is what I picked up....I know its not as bad ass as Iron Maiden but I like LZ!!


Fuck me!!!

NICHOLAS KIRKWOOD FOR RODARTE S/S 2010//

Mr. Romanian

Well, Mr. Romanian and I saw each other over the holiday weekend! To start it off, on Friday my friend and I saw the always crass and funny Kathy Griffin and after the show I was going to meet up Mr. Romanian and check out the Goonies that was playing at the Clay Theater, but plans changed! When I called him after the show he said he was over by Potrero Hill, the place he was at I was not familiar with so I don't him I was not going to go over there. My friend suggested why don't we go over to 16th and Valencia and he can meet us up at one of the bars, I liked that idea! I texted him where we were going and he met us up at one of the bars.I was already a little tipsy when he showed up.......(I was a little bit upset that he was in Patrero Hill and he wanted me to come see him, I also need to shake the nerves and my funk...so a shot of rum it was!!) At one point my friend winked at me.....giving me a "good job" I guess for picking a good one, after a few minutes of meet and greet he went to the little boys room and I asked my friend what did she think of him! From what I can remember she said he was nice looking and she said she thinks he's good for me! He came back, he bought us some drinks, we all talked some more and then my friends man showed up and after this it gets a little fuzzy, but I do remember my friend and her man had to go, and I remember saying goodbye then some how I end up going in a taxi with Mr. Romanian to the bar he was at over in Potrero Hill.

All I wanted was water, I had a little bit too much for T, so he got me some water and showed me around the place. He said he knows the owners, so he gets drinks for free and VIP service........I told him, this does not impress me, unless you get free designer cloths and shoes now we are talking! No such luck!! Anyways, he takes me to some VIP room and we talk for a while and then he takes me up stares and we talk some more and then we kiss and he asked if I'm hungry (when am I not hungry?!) so his freind drove up to this place to have a bit to eat and he said after this we are going back to his place and I said no, he said "yes, I want to keep talking with you, plus its really late and I bet finding a cab to take you back home will be hard (this was true)". I said fine, we get in a cab to go to his place, he askes the driver to stop off at Safeway.....I'm thinking this guy is going to run in to get condoms, but I was wrong! See when we got food, I ordered onion in my food and as I was eating it it dawned on me this was a bad idea because I was going to have onion breath! Mr. Romanian didnt care, he thought it was funny and kissed me anyways, but he could see it bothered me so what do you think he picked up at Safeway?? When we got out of the cab and walked to his door he asked me what I thought he picked up and I told him a tooth brush, he laughed and said I was right! All I wanted to do was to go to bed, I was so fucking tired, but I had a hunch it was not going to be that easy......we did it. It was whatever, at little too "jack-rabbit" for me!

The next morning I met one of his roommates, man was she a trip (I'll maybe talk about her next time), he was very insistent on taking me out for breakfast as I want so hot on the idea! I looked like a crack whore who was obviously wearing "night time cloths" and really just wanted to get home! But he wasn't having it, so some how I pull my look together and looked some what less crack whore (thank God for sunglasses)and as we were walking to the cafe he was kissing me and telling me nice things, and talking about the next time we see each other.........it was nice!!! After breakfast he walked me to the metro, kissed goodbye once the N came. Now I was very curious to see was he really going to contact me after all of this and how he was going to treat me at school when we would see each other. He called me on Sunday, he asked if I could come over to watch a movie, we did, went to bed the sex this time was WAY better, but the 3rd time was the real charm!! When Tuesday came and we saw each other I wanted to see if this was real or have a fallen in the fuck buddy realm AGAIN!! NOPE!!! Mr. Romanian was all hugs, kisses and hand holding.........awwwwwww, have I met a guy who really wants to be with me, have I, have I ???? I fucking hope so!!! My gay guy met him the other day and he told me I'm a lucky bitch, he thinks Mr. Romanian is hot and has a nice ass...........he does have a nice ass!!

Why, Why, Why????

Why is it right when you delete a guys number they call you, text you with in that week? WHY!!?? I really don't get it!! I deleted The Romanian's number on Monday, I thought I'll keep him in my phone from the day I got it till the weekend and if he didn't contact me I would delete it, he didn't contact me so bye bye Mr. Romanian! But I just received a text from him just now, 2 days later from delete!! Maybe I should do this more often.........like every number I get from a guy I should just delete right away and with in a few hours or days they will contact me, I also don't run the chance of feeling desperate to call or text them like a looser..........yes I'm liking this idea very much!! BUT, I don't like it when you delete a guy's number who has broken your heart and calls/text's you, no matter what they all call/text you once you delete them from your phone...........WHY????? And we are the hard to figure out ones!!

Good Day!

The weather today finely decided to give us a summer day, thanks Mother Nature!! I put together a dam cute outfit if I do say so myself (wish I took a picture!). Anyways, as I was sitting out front of class (20 min early) rummaging though my bag I looked up for a second because I herd some talking going on just a ways down the hall, 2 guys, teacher and student, nothing interesting, look back down to put some lotion and SPF on my hands and out of the corner of my eye I see the student pass by me and stop. I do love when my woman's intuition is right because I knew this guy was going to turn around, come up and talk to me........he did! He said something along the lines of "You don't like dry hands?" not the best conversation starter but, who am I to judge! I said yes, and then I said I also don't like burnt hands, and showed him the bottle of SPF, he smiled, introduced himself and sat down. He's from Romania, we talked for a bit before he had to go to his next class, he complemented me on my way of thinking....I liked this complement very much!! He asked me for my number and I gave it to him, no big hopes for the phone call, if anything it was kind of nice to get hit on being that as of lately my guy situation has been not that great!

My sports class is actually VERY interesting and I'm really happy about it!! Last week we watched this video about these corporate guys making money off of athletes, the things they "make" them do, then they showed what goes on around the world, this part was sad! Some place in the middle east they have Camel racing and some of these families are so poor they will sell their boy as young as 3 to ride the camel, these boys are treated so bad; if they don't win a race the men beat and rape them!!! They interviewed this one little boy and he said "Yesterday I didn't win the race so they raped me" he said it like it was no big deal, my heart dropped and I felt sick!! Its really sad what people will do for money and its even more sad when children are involved!! Today's video was the rise and fall of this UFC fighter Mark Kerr , really great documentary, but sad at the same time.

After class was done I met up with my friend and both of us didn't have anything to do for the rest of the day so we decided to go have lunch, we picked West Portal, and had a fabulous lunch at Squat & Gobble Cafe, sat outside,the weather was so nice to do so and chatted it up like 2 old hens, oh how I love me a gay man! I also love a lunch buzz too!! After lunch we went our separate ways home, and I made it home just in time to catch a few rays........like I said it was a good day!!

1996

I loved this song when I was in 6th grade, I thought it had the coolest background sound I had ever herd!

A jumble of things....

Shirley.
School has started and so far so good..........surprisingly!! My math class, or I should say my math teacher seems cool (cute guy in my class, but we will get to him next time) and so do the teacher aids, but for sure I don't think I would be in this state of mind if it wasn't for my most awesome privet tutor, she really is my godsend!!! On Monday, right before I was going to go into my tutoring center I decided to use the bathroom, when I was coming out of the stall who do I see washing her hands is this girl who I would talk with when I used to work on campus; she worked in one of the rooms I would visit often. I asked how she was and how are her classes, how was her summer, she said her summer wasn't good, I told her mine was okay as well, then she adds "oh I think my summer was the worst then anybody else s!". I look at her and I can see her eyes filling up with water, she tells me her Dad died over the summer, I felt sooooooooooooooo bad!!!!! I asked her did he have health problems or was it a freak accident? She said no one knows if he had health problems because he refused to see a doctor, then she said that one day she came over to the house and he was complaining that he was in pain, he burnt himself while eating soup, she asked if she could see where it hurt but he wouldn't show her; she wasn't in the mood to fight with him so she left, when she came back 12 hours later to show him something she bought for him he was lying in bed not moving and she just knew he wasn't sleeping! As selfish as this is going to sound as she's telling me all of this all I could think about is how the fuck would I be able to cope with school, even though I'm not that close to my father I still love him. It was a little uniform to see her cry being that this girl is a touch cookie (reasons why I like her), so it was nice to see she had a soft side : / I felt really bad, I asked her has she thought about talking with someone, she said she wasn't interested.....I let that go, didn't want to push it, I kind of get lost for words when sad incidences happen, so all I could think of was asking if I could give her a hug........and I gave a good one too :) I wanted to talk more with her but I was already 5 minutes late for my tutor center, so I told her it was good to see her and I will stop by to check up on her, gave her another good hug and told her she is a strong young women, you will be okay!

I do believe she will be okay, at some point we will have to face this, it just happened too soon for my friend!

Bad Ass!
A few weeks ago everyone who I wanted to hang out with was doing there own thing and I really wanted to go to the event that was going on at the Lower Haighters Gallery.....tons of hot guys show up to this once a month event!!! Anyways, this girl who I would only see at her work or some social gatherings I would attend to sometimes, we kind of said we would make an effort to hang out outside of all of that, and I was interested in this, being that she is the only single female that I know now! Cant really go hunting for dick when a chick who is spoken for. Anyways, I call her up and ask if she would like to go, she said sure, she brought one of her friends along and we all go........the event didn't get a good turn out this time and I was a little embarrassed, but they were cool with it, so we stop off at a bar near by to have a drink and then head back over to our neighborhood bar. Now the most awesome thing happened to me......before we go into the bar she wants to smoke a cigarette and I happen to have some cloves on me so I decide to join her, as we are shooting the shit before we go in the bar she just out of the blue tells me I'm a bad ass!! At first I had to make her repeat it, she says it again and then adds "I never really got to know you until tonight and you are a bad ass, I always thought you were kind prude (I think I am) but your cool man!" Now, who knows if she really meant it, maybe she was just kissing my ass, all I know NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS would I ever think anyone would EVER call me a bad ass!!!!!!! NEVER!!!!!! Maybe she is so wrong, but all i know is that it felt good, it was the best complement in a long time and I still think about it :)

I want to be just like her!
I went to the long weekend event called Homo-A-GoGo, my friends and I only went to see the group Glass Candy because it had been a group we had been meaning to see for a while now but kept missing them when they would come to the city. Anyways, may I just say what an amazing proformas! After a few songs she would talk to us and her vibe was so positive it was so awesome, her dancing was awesome and so was her hair!!!! When they were done my friend and I couldn't stop talking about how we would like to be her friend, ha!! Next time they come back to the city I hope to see them again!!

Unexpected phone call!

Last Tuesday night was setting up my new cell phone when a random number called my cell, it was around 10ish and most of the time I don't pick up random number calls but I think my brain wasn't thinking so I pick up. I say "hello?" "T. hey its Surfer Guy..." HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He then adds "I guess you dont have me in your phone anymore the way you answered, and I dont blame you" "Your right I dont" he adds, "Look I'm really glad you picked up, I'm calling to say I'm sorry" "okay..." "I have been thinking alot about you and how the way everything ended wasn't very nice on my part and there was a reason why I didnt want to kiss you or hold your hand that night was because I get like blisters on the side of my lip sometimes if my face gets sunburn from surfing and I didnt want you to kiss me because I thought it would be gross". I tell him, I didnt even notice it, then he tells me over and over and over again how sorry he was and says he thinks we could have been something together. I tell him that as much as he is easy on the eyes he is not easy with the personalty!! "Ouch" he says, then he asks to see me!!!!! I asked him why, what would be the point, he says he feels he has more to say..........as much as this guy hurt me and made me cry, I do find him very cute and amazing in bed!! I tell him fine, so I go to his place the next night and we talk for a long time, it more shoot the shit talk, I thought we would be talking about "us", then he comes closer to me and we kiss...parts get touched and I end it right when he says he wants to be inside of me........FUCK NO AM I HAVING SEX WITH THIS DUDE, EVEN IF HE'S GOOD IN BED!!!! I can tell he's a little bit upset (I DONT CARE!!). He gets up to leave the room, but before he leaves he asks if I would like some water, I say yes, he comes back with water for me and a beer for himself. We start talking agian and I tell him this story about this lady at school and he brought up that I expect too much of people; when he said this it made me think about my last blog on how I view people in my life and he was right, I do expect too much from people!!

We keep talking, but all the conversations feel forced and it was kind of exhausting for me and I wanted to leave but wasn't sure how to go about it until he tells me about his roommate that just broke up with this girlfriend and I guess how he just said to her its over and now every time he try's to call her she wont pick up....I said "well can you blame her?", Surfer Guy lost his shit and said "why would you say that!!" I look at him like "wtf dude" I was so confused, its my opinion, I can say whatever I want, I didn't know what to say, he tells me he wasn't done with the story. Okay so you know when your talking with someone and they are telling you a story and maybe they stop the story for a second but you know they are going to keep going and you pick up that cue? Well Surfer Guy did not give me any sign that there was more to this story, AT ALL!!! He stays on why would I say something like that and I am so over all of this, I start to put my boots and coat on and he flips out again "why are you leaving?" (because your crazy!!!) I tell him that "I think this is not going very well and I dont like all the questions your asking me!" He says he's sorry and he didnt mean to upset me, I stand up, so does hi, he walks me to the door and he has the nerve to ask to see me on Saturday!!!! I look up at him and I said "Surfer Guy we keep getting into arguments, this is not going to work, and I think it was never meant to work" he gives me a hug and says "sorry" again. I turn to walk away and he says "I'll talk with you later". THE FUCK YOU WONT!!! If that fucker contacts me again I think I'll call the police!!!!

As I was driving home Black Eyed Peas was playing "and tonight's going to be good night", I found it to be the opposite from what my night was but then I thought, no, it was a good night! I learned something out that visit! 1. I expect too much from people, 2. Once an ass whole, always an ass whole and 3. If you have a hunch something is not a good idea, don't do it!!!

Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling from UniversalMusicGroup on Vimeo.

August Favorites

I think this dress is just stunning! It's by Alxender McQueen, I thought about how it would look with black instead of the yellow and then the black lace part would be white, but that would be to ordinary/expected? The yellow is very unexpected and the lace (if that's what it is) is breath taking...good job McQueen!!


Antonio Berardi collection I LOVE, there are very few peaces in the fall/winter 09/10 collection that I don't like. They are all very simple with some of my favoret colors!

http://www.style.com/fashionshows/complete/slideshow/2010RST-ABERARDI/

This Jil Sander shoe I think is HOT HOT HOT, and the moment I saw it I dreamed of wearing it, hens DREAM!!


We all have a little "she wolf" in our closet!! I think this is Sherika's best song yet, the dancing is CRAZY GOOD, but I will say the end is a little cheesy, but they show a fake background of SF so that's cool!

SheWolf from C. Enrique B. on Vimeo.

Brilliant!

Sonny Groo from Stylelikeu.com from Stylelikeu on Vimeo.

Its very hard to have any kind of relationship he said.

A few weeks ago I was home on a Saturday night and I checked the T.V. Guide to see what was on, I saw this show was going to be coming up in a few minutes called "Your Brain In Love". The romantic that I am I had to check it out. The show starts and its this little guy who came across as kind of creepy/gay but then mentioned that he had a wife (as my mother says, "that doesn't always mean anything"!). His name is Dr. Daniel Amen and he first started to talk about people who have damaged brains, like from car accidents or from drug and alcohol use to people who have not had any of that happen to them. He went on talking about the battle of the sexes, how when men are at rest 70% of their brain is not working, so when you want to ask them something you need to use simple words and keep it a short sentence; unlike women, when we are at rest only 90% of our brain is not working, but in a way its not really resting, we are still thinking (so true, when I'm watching T.V., I'm thinking what I have to do tomorrow). All of this was interesting, but kind of like, I've already herd this before stuff until he brought up people with ADD/ADHD, now he got my attention!

To my knowledge, I have not be tested for ADD/ADHD, but I don't know for sure. Dr. Amen said that people who have a ADD/ADHD think with the front part of their brain (I think dyslexic's do too) unlike people who don't have ADD/ADHD. So for the front brain thinkers, they don't really do the whole think before you speak thing and that can you get you into trouble sometimes if your in a serious relationship! He says people who have this benefit from being on meds that helps you THINK before you speak! I found this VERY interesting, because I am known to just say whats on my mind, sometimes very honest or blunt, once in a blue moon it has gotten me into trouble, but I feel I think before I speak......I'm just honest in what comes out of my mouth! But it did get me thinking, do I think before I speak? And then I also started to think about all of my relationships, friends and guy's I have dated have never really worked out and has the reason for this been because of me?

Looking back in the past I have never really had a satisfying friendship and dudeship, all of them have screwed me over one way or another. I have talked about this in the past that I do put people on a pedestal, for friends its waiting for them to disappoint me and with guys expecting them to disappoint me. Is this wrong? I was talking about this with some girls over the weekend and they said no, but in a way I think it is, I mean I do have trust issues but do I have relationship issues as well? I have been hanging out with my cousin lately and when we get together we gossip and such, and she tells me about guys she has dated and what selfish thing one of her friends are/did to her and I have been thinking that this is just life! Yes, maybe I do have over the map relationship problems, but also no one is perfect and no matter what kind of relationship you are in with someone, friend, co-worker, boyfriend,bla bla bla, they are all going to disappoint you in some way.

I think its hard for me to understand this, when somethings goes wrong it really brings me down and the first thing I think of is "delete", cut it out of my life because its hard for me to see a solution to the problem. In the past few day's I've been thinking maybe I'm better off being alone because dealing/socializing with other people can be really overwhelming for me at times........Dr. Amen can you help me, or am I doomed for life?

Caleb Followill you can use me!

Sex is on fire from PirateSmoothie on Vimeo.

even Lykke Li knows what's up!

Exclusive Video of Lykke Li Covering Kings of Leon Live in KNRK studio from Dave Allen on Vimeo.

One more week of summer.

School starts for me next week and this week is my last week of summer....kind of sad. My summer hasn't been the greatest, but I have learned somethings this summer about my friends and my life. It has all been very useful information that I have gathered up over the past 3 months, and I'm a big believer on everything happens for a reason and what better time then now? I'm crossing my fingers really hard and ready to work harder then I've ever worked in my life to pass this math class and if it means going out less (as of lately I have been) then so be it. I want to make my dreams come true in the spring.....if all goes well I will have a job save the money and live with roommates, and be out of the most foggy part of the city!! I'm also willing to sacrifice not getting laid till now to December........BUT if the opportunity comes along I will not turn away from it, I'm just not going to hunt for it like I usually do; math is more important!!

I know when I put all my hard work into something the results show, I feel better about myself, it also helps to set a reward. Yes the big reward would to get a job and leave the nest but I've been itching to get my ass over to NYC for a long time now and so has one of my guy friends who lives over there. If I pass, NYC is my reward!!!

Let the challenge begin!!

Lady Gaga sing for me girl!!

My Birthday Party!

Was hit! One of my friends offered to go with me to the bar, so that was nice of her. It was funny when her and her boyfriend and I got on the N, her old roommates where on it and then a few stops, some other people go on the N who I invited to my party, it was cute! A few people didn't show up that I was kind of hoping to see but it was fine. Almost everyone bought me a drink and I got nicely stoned, it was great! .I realized why I was nervous, I had never thrown a party this big for myself (it wasn't very big) but all of my birthday parties have been like no more then 4-5 people so this was different for me! Everyone loved my outfit, but no one said anything about the red lipstick, I was really iffy about wearing it being that the last time I wore red lipstick was back in like 8th grade...well it was more red/brown/rusty, anyways to see my lips look all 3D was weird, but I'm glad I did it and I think it will be a look I might do more often!!


Fake leather skirt from UO, coat from Good Will, AA tee, DKNY hoes and Farylrobin suede ankle booties!

8-3-83

Today at 4am I turned 26 (that's when I came into the world)! Out of all the numbers I have turned this number I am nervous about the most, or am I just nervous about tonight? So many people are coming (well they say they are coming) and it has shocked me, I never thought some of these people would want to come to my party. I'm sure its all in my head, or could be true or maybe both that I think most people dont like me because I can be somewhat of a shit; I think also being that I kind of dont like everything about myself I dont see why anyone would want to hang out with me or be my friend. I'm kind of regretting tonight, it would help a lot if my brother was home, I would make him take the street car with me, put my head on his shoulder and he would tell me "everything is going to be fine, dont worry!!".I'm sure he would also make me laugh, he's really good at that!!

I'll keep you posted!

Gareth Pugh could I hang out with you?

Nice?

I've never had a large fan base, its never been important to me, its also never been important to me if people like me or not; but I have never gone out of my way to be a bitch to people. I think I'm like a bee, I'm just here in life trying to get some pollen and go back to my hive to do it all over again tomorrow, but if you get in my way I'll fuck you up!

To be honest I've never physically fucked anyone up, if anything, if I don't like the way things are going my #1 go to, is to just leave, drop out, say good bye, unless words NEED to be said I'm not someone who will shy away from the opportunity (but I don't like doing it, I'm a lover not a fighter).

This brings me to my point? I for sure have a prudish and shallow side to me, there is no denying it!! If I find you boring I don't want to talk with you, if your outfit is so wrong I couldn't even be close to right I don't want to talk with you, not nice right? I KNOW!!!! Who do I think I am? I'm "no one", I question this motive, who planted this in my head? The only thing I can think of is back in 4th grade when I wanted to hang out with these 2 girls who where the "cool" girls in school because they always had the latest cloths and that drew me to them. One day I was fallowing them around like a puppy dog and one of the girls said to me to stop fallowing them because my cloths weren't cool enough. I remember just standing there as they walked away laughing, I looked down at my cloths and didn't understand what was wrong with my cloths, I think from then on I have been insecure on how I look and others around me. But to put a positive twist to it I love helping people out in picking out cloths, I LOVE IT!!!! That's being nice right? I think what this is really all about is that I posted an invite for my birthday and yes it's only been not even 24hours yet but no one has said "attending" and I think this says something about who I am and about who the people are in my life as well! As of lately I have been questing that. Yesterday I was on the phone with one of my friends and she told me some gossip about what happened to her husband and our friend and she said she doesn't know how they can still be friends after it all, I agreed! Then we started to talk about how we could never understand people who have tons of people in there life and they are all your "real" friends, we disagreed on this. When I was with my ex I remember asking him one day "you have so many friends, like SO MANY, are they all your REAL friends?" he didn't answer me right away I could tell he was thinking about this and then he turned to me and said "you know I never thought about that". I'm sorry WTF!!! Maybe there are people in this world who like to have tons of people in there life and then maybe there people who are like me who are fine in having like 3 people in her life. How can all those people be great people? Nice people? They cant, its impossible!!! Their are very few good, nice, honest and loyal people in this world, and I will never understand how having so many people in your life is awesome.

I'll keep you posted about my "party"!

July Favorites!

I was going to post this in a different blog but I kind of have ants in my pants about this ring! This ring used to belong to an elder cousin of mine who I adored very much. She had two other sisters who where all very kind to my mother and her sisters, but Cousin Ciss (like Sis, I think her name was Catherine) was kind of the girly one out of the three and I remember when I was a child she loved it when I would sit on her lap and play with her bracelets; she died when I was I think 10 from cancer. So many years later her husband died and her niece had my Mom and I come to the house to have whatever we wanted, and the only thing I really wanted was Cousin Ciss wedding ring........and a few other piece's of her jewelry! Well when my Mom and I arrived, one of my aunts was just leaving and she had a box full of stuff, my Mom was so upset because she knew my aunt had the wedding ring......(at this time my Mom and Aunt Barbara where in a tiff). When we got into the house my Mom asked the niece about a picture she was hoping to have and she told my Mom that my aunt took it and the wedding ring as well, I was a little bit upset but I knew down the road I would get it one day............like 6 years later!!!!! Anyways here it is, isn't so cute, it's a 1930's cut, a kind of style I would want and now have!!!


My other favorite is Diggy's blog! If you have cable and have caught Run's House on VH1 or is it MTV.....so bad, sorry, anyways its a really funny show and they seam like a really loving family. Diggy is kind of the middle child, he's not even a teen yet and this guy is sooooooooooo into fashion, I'm really impressed with some of the designers that he posts; he also pots some architects that are really impressive too! I will admit its also a glimpse into the "fab life" and who isn't curious about that??!!

Midair enlightenment

My trip to Hawaii was very relaxing but no light bulb moments happend on the island, it happend while I was in the air going home!

My aunt bought my mother and I first class tickets going to Hawaii and coming back but I wouldn't be going back to SF with my mother, she is staying an extra week being that I needed to get back to SF to really start my math tutoring and other responsibility's! If you have never sat in first class (this was my first time EVER) let me give you the pros and cons. Pros: you get all the free booze you want, you get your very own personal movie player so you don't have to watch the movie that everyone else will be watching, you get a menu of 4 different choices of food and you can pick 3 out of the 4, and LOTS of leg room. The Cons: The food is REALLY small, and if your still hungry tough, that's it....so lame, I guess that's all I can come up with for the cons. Anyways back to the topic! So I was a little bit nervous about flying by myself, being that this was my 2nd time doing so and I was very interested in finding out who was the person going to be sitting next to me on the plane ride home. When I got on the plane there was an older man, around my fathers age, dam I said to myself I was really hoping for a rich hottie! At one point it got cold in the plane and I put on my hoodie and the hoodie had a logo on the front of it stating where I live in the city, when I got up to use the bathroom and came back the guy sitting next to me saw the logo and asked if I lived in this part of the city I said yes and he said "oh so does my wife and myself" he pointed to her sitting across to the side. We start to chat it up and he asked about the neighborhood church and I said I used to go, he said his wife teaches there and as for years, he asked my last name and told it to his wife she said she knows my mom and dad and my bother; I had herd of there last name, and I'm sure have met the wife before just didn't remember.

This guy was SO nice and as we where talking I found out he had ADD and thinks he is dyslexic, he is the first person I have ever met who doesn't have an e-mail addy, he says he has never really been on a computer, he finds them to be very overwhelming! He asks how I cope threw life and i tell him, he seemed really impressed then he asked if I had a boyfriend and I told him the sad story of SF being there are more women than straight men so why should a SF man commit when he can have a new girl every night, he laughed and said that's too bad its like that, then he added they don't know what they are missing! I also talked about my living situation and he said I shouldn't care about that (I know I shouldn't!) he said it will all come in time, he added that one of his son's didn't move out till he was 30 (PLEASE GOD DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME!!!) He kept telling me that I'm going to do alright in life and for the first time EVER I believed it, he also said it was so nice talking with me because he had never talked with anyone who had some of the same struggles he had growing up and in general. It felt good that I made someone feel good and it's always nice to talk with another LD person, for sure someone older because if they made it in life you know you can too!

The picture taken up above was taken by me while I was watching a sunset on the left of me and rainbow to the right of me, it was so awesome! I know life really sucks sometimes and I know I complain about it a lot on here (but it is MY blog) and it's hard to see the lighter things in life, but its easier to do when you talk with someone, more so whit a random person ;)I know I'm going to be okay, the battle that I will have to face this fall will be a really really tough one for me but I know when I complete it its going to be worth it and I am for sure going to have a party!!!