Let me be me

There is this quote that Audrey Hepburn said, now I'm not sure if she really said it but being a big fan of hers I like to hope she did. Audrey said "I don't want to be alone I just want to be left alone". I have a feeling I have talked about this quote before but whatever. I saw the therapist the other day and we talked about the issues I have with other women, how I don't seem to understand "the way of women", more so the cattiness. In my head what I imagine is a sisterhood, but I guess that's just wishful thinking!I also talked about the close people in my life and some of the things they say how I can feel picked on, but am I really being picked on or am I making a big deal? My therapist said it sounded to her that you just want to be you, and that was so refreshing to hear, you have no idea!!! YES, I JUST WANT TO BE ME!!!!
ME, the young women who does odd things who thinks odd/not like other people, who might cut an onion not the "right way" who loves fashion and interior design and reading silly books and who likes mayo on almost everything and the young women who could watch T.V for hours, who likes to talk about shit and farting and who wishes her dog could talk and wishes also she was a mermaid and would like science to really make a unicorn REAL, I also like things to look perfect and clean, I can be overly motherly and I like it, the young lady who could spend a day/hours in the bathroom!!

That's me, but I don't feel I get to be all of that, like sometimes I feel its all wrong, it's wrong when someone says something. But is it wrong, or the person who says it are they in the wrong because i am just being me? I was thinking if I was this artist (I do think I am an artist in a way but I'm not one that the public would say "yes you are") like a painter or welder, fashion maker, whatever maybe people would be like "well she is an artist, you have to let them do there thing". My Guy his brother is an artist,he gets paid to do this thing and My Guy's brother does sometimes some odd stuff and I have herd My Guy say "you know my brother, he's an artist" so there for he gets to be who he is? If only I was raised by hippie parents or parents who really pushed me to let me be me. Am I finely finding myself, at 29 years old? Would it be selfish of me to do what I want and what I feel, what I am inspired by, me being me?

I'm like holding all this color and it wants to burst out, and I'm only letting it drip drop to be safe.

It's just so much....

I can already predict that some big changes will be happening, because it is going to happen! 2013 is going to be interesting, hard, sad, and unsure and I hope some happy fits in.

I have decided to go back to school being that the lack of job experience I have I think has been holding me back from landing a job; also this economy sucks too!
I finished college in 2010 with an Associates Degree and now I will be going back to school to achieve a Medical Receptionist Certificate. With a late thought about all of this and registration I was able to score 2 classes for Spring!

I have also started to see a therapist again, I'm only 3 sessions in and so far it's been okay. I'm seeing a new therapist and she is nice but a little awkward, I'm glad I seem to do well with awkward people! Today we talked about My Guy's friend and my friend who happen to both have colon cancer! My Guy's friend is a married man who is also a father of two little boy's, I'm not even sure if the oldest son is older that 5 years old. And my male friend is 30 years old! My Guy's friend sent out an email thanking everyone for their support and just being a friend and hoping everyone will stay in contact with his wife and children. His life is now just on a clock, and it's very very sad.
My Guy was very sad when he read this email to me last night and I was too, all I could think about where the children and wife, how unfair this all is. And then I started to think about my friend who is only 30 years old and how young he is and how unfair that is too!
I brought up to My Guy how we are both in the same boat, both friends have colon cancer. My Guy shut me down on this, he did not agree with me, his friend has a much worse situation than my friend! And then he talked about how awful it is I like to watch "The Housewives of..." how not in touch with reality those people are (duh, that's kind of the point of watching) and then what a pointless job my mother has for working for a church because it doesn't matter how much you pray!
I was so hurt and very angry that My Guy would not validate my feelings, he shut me down! And then also to make comments on my vice interests and also to say something about my mother's job!I understand he was angry, he knows all too well whats it like loosing a father at a young age but why did he need to say what he said?
My therapist gave me reinsurance that my feelings about my friend is just as important as My Guy's friend and that My Guy should have not shut me down the way he did. I feel like I never want to talk about my friend to My Guy ever again and I also hope that My Guy will never ask about my friend, like ever!

My therapist and I talked about this and then My Guy and I our relationship on a whole and I am missing feeling confident about my feelings from him, I wish we could share this sadness but we cant because my friend doesn't matter!She asked me what I would like out of my relationship and I said I want to feel confident in what I say and think from My Guy. I would also like if he never brought up NEVER AGAIN what my parents do for a living/work!Just don't shut me down, don't call me names and please don't talk about my family in a disrespectful way!

Speaking about family, my brother has decided to move back home and go back to school. And My Guy would like me to move in with him. I am not sure sometimes if I want to live with him, My Guy seems so angry and at times I'm not sure if he really likes me anymore. And I know if I stay with my parents home I will have to listen to my parents and brother fight.

It's all just so much to take in! Going back to school, seeing a therapist, brother moving back and "stuff" with my boyfriend.

black poison

Yesterday I reached out to a suicide hotline, but to be with "the times" they have a chat line, so less pressure I guess. Some drama went down yesterday morning that I know was all my fault and I feel really really awful for! I was thinking not okay things, it felt like black ink, black poison was taking over my body, and soon my eyes would turn black and I would talk like a demon! These wonderful women named Sarah helped me out and made me realize that a third party in my life is needed. Being that I am unable to receive the kind of advocate from a friend that I would really like the next best thing is a therapist. I really liked my therapist the I was seeing a few years ago but I felt sometimes she would say in words.."hang in there" I need more than that, even some tough love is okay with me! This wonderful women suggested me to a place and I am very interested in.
This is not going to be my quick fix, it will be a journey that I have gone down before but this time a little different but I'm looking forward to the outcome. I'll make sure to pack lots of food and water, for this journey might be a long one!

Finding the light

Have you seen the TV show Dexter? I just finished season 1 and now I am on season 2, I'm hooked, this guy is great, in a way I can relate to him, in a non killing bad people way. I mean in his head, he is always talking to himself in his head, I do it ALL THE TIME, I am also not excited about things that most "normal" are about. I'm not trying to relate myself or say "I'm a Dexter" it's just nice to know that fiction or non-fiction their is someone like that out there.

I have had 2 rejection emails sent to me this week, "thank you for applying, but the postion has been filled" or "your limited qualifications dont meet what we are looking for, but good luck on your job search" Ouch! Yeah, I cried, told myself no one will ever hire me! I'm 2fucking9 and I still live with my parents, and to make things even better; my boyfriend had a dream that my Mom told him he should break up with me. It might be just a dream, but it made me feel sick inside!

I was thinking yesterday as my mind was wondering in dark places, if I was single, what would I be doing, my life would still be the same, just single.I would be fucking. I would be fucking random guys to numb the sadness in my life, these men would be the only excitement in my life! Just like how my dog and my boyfriend are to me...and its better, healthy, safer. To loose that would lead me to a dark road with lots of condoms and a what if...pregnant, STD, shit I dont need to deal with at my age.

This stuff is hard, this adult shit is hard, I am not handling it well...maybe I am, I'm sure my boyfriend would say "your doing your best". All my life I had someone hold my hand and guide me this way and help me out that way and now I'm old, thats how I feel, not cute anymore, so who wants to help the old lady? And then I also just feel like this looser, some floater in life. I have been thinking as a last resort if I dont end up with a gig, I'll just get pregnant and be a "Mom" so then no one can ask me "how's the job hunting going" no one would ask me that they will ask "how is it being a Mom, isn't it wonderful" "how does your child sleep at night" boring stuff like that. Because I'm a Mom!

I am also trying to compare is this moment in my life really sucky or was it when I was so depressed that I was seeing a therapist? I think they are 50-50. There will be a time, the light will shine, but it just doesn't feel like its going to EVER happen!

still

still jobless
still have a boyfriend
still have a dog
still think I'm a loser
still think I will never have/get a job!
still think most people don't like me (women mostly)
still will live with my parents I think past 30 years of age
still not nor will I ever be a master at computers
still will hate my brain...till I die
still think Buffy the Vampire Slayer will forever be awesome
still TV is my first love
still don't like being me, I would rather be a dog
still think I was meant to live in the 1950's
still think most people suck in this life
still think I'm crazy
still think some people think I'm crazy
still scared to die my hair
still love my eyes and lips
still think I do most things wrong
still.....

"you say all these nice things and then you don't want to be with me.."

When you are questioned about how much you love your significant other,its not an easy thing you take lightly. It hurts, you feel like no matter what you do or say they will never believe you..."your full of shit" I was just called for the first time EVER in my life! What does this mean, what did I say what did I do? I told some falls information and my other fell for it and it ended up not being true....but that's not the case at all!

It's really hard to be in a relationship, I really enjoy it but when the hard times come up, it's HARD!!! No matter what happens you will disappoint your other half, in my case I feel I do it a lot!!!

I don't lie, (sometimes when I feel its needed) I am an honest young lady!

I'm very sad...

A bug up my ass

This is so foolish of me to have these feelings but I have them so what can I do, I guess vent!

A bug has crawled up my ass and has set an unpleasant taste in my mouth. Here we go....its about the ex girlfriend! Yep, why this girl bothers me so I don't get it, I wonder is it because in our American culture it is not that common that we stay in touch with our past lovers? That might be one of the reasons another could be that when I met her (more times than I wanted mind you!) she gave me a kiss on both sides of my cheek, I felt it was a "i'll kill her with kindness" gesture. I wanted just a handshake, even though I would have much rather liked a node from a distance. My Guy's friends went back to Slovakia for a summer trip to see family and on there visit they spent some time with her...seemed like a lot! These pictures have made me wonder if I was ever a topic of conversation? Selfish thinking....maybe but I think you would think the same thing too! It has always bothered me that My Guy's friends have seem to take a liking to her more than me but I also think at the time they were together maybe I would have gotten along with his friends too. My Guy's friends have kids now, back then they didn't, kids changes things. Now for me, I can not connect with this people....I have said this many times in other blogs so I don't want to get into this.

I guess my main thing is, did they all talk about me, did they say unkind things. I care to know because I want the truth to come out, I know these people are not crazy about me, my feeling are most of the time right and I want to prove it to myself!

Another feeling I have about this girl, if My Guy and I ever get married will he want her at the wedding? Will he care how I feel or more about if it will hurt HER feelings?

To be even more blunt, I wish she would go away!

it's for the best

I'd write a letter to my loved ones, telling each of them how I feel, how I really feel about them and then tell them how much they mean to me, how much I loved them. Also giving them instructions in what to do with my things, what to do with my body and how I want to be berried and then apologize leaving them with a Visa bill. Then I would put on "How Disappear Completely", put it on repeat, drink my bottle of Jack, I will be sitting on the side of my bed looking out to the knight sky with it. After I'm good and liquefied up I would cut the side and let the blood drip, let it flow like a river. How sad I will feel whoever finds me, what a scary state I will be in to the person, and they will ask why, over and over again, why did this happen. Even if I tried to explain it would be an excuse I guess; I apparently am full of them! So what difference would it make, I'm gone, gone out of everyone's life, for good, I think it would be for the best, right? No one has to put up with me anymore, no one has to deal with my selfish ways, I don't listen enough, it has to be my way, I just don't get it, excuse after excuse, It has to be perfect, the princess. I wont bother you with any of this anymore, doesn't that make you happy? What would you really miss about me anyways? I am an complaining excuse who blames everyone else for my problems, I had no idea and I still don't get it that I do that. So its for the best. What will I miss? Everything and nothing at the same time!

(I would never have the guts to do this, but if I did I guess this is what I would do)

Good one!

Thank you Apartment Therapy!

Modern Matrimony: Who Benefits the Most?


When we discuss how we live at home, we inevitably must include who we live with. Who's making coffee in the morning or forgetting to refill the Brita? Maybe it's a boyfriend or girlfriend, or perhaps the relationship is a little more legally binding. As marriage rates declined and divorce rates skyrocketed over the past decades, it seems prudent to ask ourselves: just who's getting the most out of marriage as it stands today?

There's no doubt that ours is an evolving society, and nowhere is that clearer than in our national discourse about marriage. I'd even venture to say that, especially with the recent boycott/zealous support of a certain fast food chicken sandwich chain, it's currently a very polarizing social issue. Believe me, I'm not trying to stir up extra controversy, but I've been thinking about how much the concept of marriage has changed and will continue to adapt to fit our needs and reflect our values.

If we were to believe the movies, it's the woman who pushes for marriage; she cajoles, lures or even manipulates her (often reluctant) man into a state of wedded "bliss." Even if that rather degrading oversimplification of courtship were true, the fact remains that in heterosexual marriage, statistically, it's men who come out ahead. According to Australian economist Paul Frijters, men receive more value (measured monetarily as economists are wont to do) from marriage and have more to lose in the event of a divorce.

Being married makes men happier; married men live longer and achieve more career success. Some speculate that these improvements are due to these former bachelors' experiencing positive lifestyle changes (presumably with the influence of a good woman). But married women, who appear to be the "civilizers," that is, they hoist their men up to their level of health and emotional stability, don't receive as many benefits after tying the knot. In addition, women still tend to shoulder a larger share of the household responsibilities, either due to their socially ingrained roles, or perhaps merely a higher standard of cleanliness.

So what then, you may ask, is the draw for women? Maybe you've noticed that I haven't mentioned love, an essential ingredient for successful marriage (in our society, anyway), and my reason is this: I wouldn't dare try to define what constitutes love and how it manifests in a relationship. Love, commitment and children can, of course, all exist without marriage, but for the sake of this discussion I'm thinking about the institution itself and whether or not it's a system that still makes sense.

Increased opportunities have made women less financially dependent on men but may also have set up a state of diminishing returns. In a fascinating study by Betsy A. Stevenson and Justin Wolfers about the Paradox of Declining Female Happiness, the problem is described like this:

Consideration of the psychology behind happiness might suggest that greater gender equality may lead to a fall in measured well-being. For example, if happiness is assessed relative to outcomes for one's reference group, then greater equality may have led women to compare their outcomes to those of the men around them. In turn, women might find their relative position lower than when their reference group included only women.
So even while women's overall status is improving, increased expectations can lead to decreased satisfaction if those expectations aren't met. While the study was about women's happiness in general, and the numbers remained consistent regardless of whether the women were married or single, it seems logical that with the evolving state of marriage, there are some who want it to evolve more and faster, and others who dig in their heels at the mere mention of change.

Sound familiar? I can't help but point out that this phenomenon applies to more than just men and women but also clearly factors into the evolving definition of marriage and who can legally enter into such a union — thus spawning a chicken showdown.

Obviously, this topic is too broad to sufficiently cover in a short article or even in several hundred pages. I'm in no way railing against marriage, but I am interested in the reasons why people choose to forgo the legal side of love as well as the reasons why others continue to strongly seek it. It seems to me that, far from the fairy tale we're expecting, becoming more conscious of marriage's limitations and heading off potential problems could lead to stronger and more satisfying unions.

What do you think? Does anyone win this particular battle of the sexes?

Winston my love

A dog that I used to take care of for a friend of the family passed away in back in February, and I was sad being that he was such a cute little guy. The love I have for dogs I feel sometimes goes beyond a little bit unhealthy but how can you not help yourself? Dogs are awesome creatures!
Wanting a dog in my life was feeling stronger and stronger as time went by, and maybe Buddie's death woke up that void, who knows. My Guy and I would sometimes go to Fort Funston just to be around dogs....and also take in the amazing views! So, finally this strong void took over and I started to look at dog's on-line, I was looking all over the bay area and not one dog caught my eye. I am very picky about what I wear so why wouldn't I be picky about my dog, right? I would looking for a male, not a puppy, but not old ether, and he needed to be a Terrier, that's the bread of dog I like. I came up on PetFinder.com and there was Winston, this cute little guy, little did I know getting him was going to be a little big of an issue!

Winston was in Fresno, that's 4 hours from San Francisco, also Fresno, I did not know this, 80% of animals in Fresno are killed!!! 80%, that's a big number!!! Winston was found by a family that finds strays off the street and tries to find them homes, not only did My Guy and I help someone out but we also got a free dog!That late afternoon when we got back into the city My Guy was very excited that we got a dog so he told on of his friends, his friend replayed back "my wife and I dont understand why you went all the way to Fresno to get a dog when there are hundreds of dogs in SF that need a home!" I cried, maybe I was PMSing but that comment made me cry! Why do you care where I got the dog, maybe ASK WHY we went to Fresno!!!!
Anyways, My Guy and I are happy with our little boy Winston and I love having a dog back into my life, they are such wonderful creatures!!!

Hear is our little boy....

cerddoriaeth

Bloody nose

3 weeks of non stop being around people, family and boyfriend, I feel like I am going to explode, or dig a hole and hid in it. I am so in dire need of some alone time, I need to not talk to anyone for a day, I want to me in my head with my own thoughts, do my own thing.

I woke up this morning for the time EVER I woke up with a bloody nose and I felt horrible, I felt like I was going to throw up. Was this my body telling me something?

I have been feeling really, really, really stressed out lately. My birthday was over the weekend and it was the one of the worst birthday's ever, the only light was MY Guy giving me flowers and some gifts and my cousin making a video for me, other then that it was lame. I wonder what 29 is going to hold for me, for the past 3 day's its been not fun, just nothing but stress!

I got a dog, i'll blog about that....when I feel like it.

You marry your mother or father?

Don't get all excited folks, no one is getting married! My Guy has told me in the past that some how I am able to push his buttons like his mother does and I also have ways about myself that remind him of his mother. He never shows this angry side of himself, only to his mother....and now lucky me. But this is whats hard, I am going back and forth with myself, am I really doing or saying something wrong that makes him upset or does this guy have some "mamma issues" OR am I so stubborn and blind that I don't see what I'm doing to set him off? I really wish I could have a 3rd party in the room when we get into an argument I would really like to know what happened, what did I say, what did he say?


It's sad day for me, I am sad, worried and nervous. My Guy means a lot to me, he's important in my life. A friend of mine was in her drunkenness made a post and complained on a social network site about how can the person you are dating be the most important person in you life. I didn't respond even though I wanted to, like I have said many times on this blog that I have met very, very , very few people in my life that gave a shit about me, I seem to always put myself out there too much and not get much in return. Be my friend like I am trying to do with you, tell me about your day, I CARE, tell me your sad, I CARE, ask me to go with you to the doctors, I WILL, tell me your fish died and you want to have a funeral, I WILL GO AND BRING FLOWERS!!! BUT, YOU HAVE TO GIVE ALL OF THIS BACK TO ME!!!!!


The vibes in the air are a little off and my path in narrow. Keep going?

S.O.S

2 weeks I thought would be a great idea as I agreed with My Guy who suggested we stay in Hawaii for that long instead of one week like usual. I want to be back in SF, I miss home and the SF air on my face, I feel in a way I can't breath here! I also want a few days away from My Guy, we have been bickering I think to often and also the Gemini he is this spilt personality has been too much for me. Save me!

I hate you....

Dear Vagina, I hate you! YOU SUCK!!! I try to keep you from spiting out cottage cheese but WHATEVER I DO, EAT, TAKE, YOU STILL SPIT OUT COTTAGE CHEESE!!! Please STOP!!! You make my life a living hell and also I feel my sex drive has been flushed down the toilet because of you!!! It really sucks that I can't enjoy the foods and drinks like I used to, now knowing that most of them can cause the cottage cheese effect I feel what's the point of eating or drinking. I cant eat anything with high levels of sugar, and that is MOST FOOD!!! Also booze, booze has lots of sugar in it!!! I am in a constant battle with you, constantly!! We are at it 24/7, if I could trade you in for a brand now one, I WOULD!!!! You are so annoying in my life, you bring nothing but hate when I think of you. At this point I would take a penis, only because I dislike my vagina SO MUCH!!! I have enough shit in my life, you Vagina are something I should not need to think about, BUT I DO EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!! FUCK YOU VAGINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when I'm daydreaming

I belong in a sleepy beach town, with my dog and I work at a art studio and I wear clogs and take naps over the weekend in the sun on my deck wrapped in a blanket hearing the waves go in and out. I start a new job for 2 weeks, I had a dream a few weeks ago about me making lots of money, Im keeping a positive outlook on this dream!

act your age not your shoe size

His anger is so immature, it's like a child or a teenager. What grown ass man tells their loved one "you made me go out and get drunk!" Oh yes, I, me, made you, I put a gun to your head and told you to leave and go get drunk, yep that sounds about right! Seriously? The yelling and the name calling, I think once you get into your adult years, yelling and calling people names and using profanity, I loose some respect for you personally. What real adults do is they sit down and talk about the issue OR if the issue has caused both of you to be very very angry it is best to walk away from each other to calm down, clear your head and then come back and sit down and talk in a calm matter. This does happen but most of the time there is some yelling....oh no sorry "I am not yelling" raising your voice involved! Most of the time his reactions remind me of my father, who also has a temper like a child, who I also have lost respect for, a real man does not act this way. The idea of a real man to me, is a man who has full control of himself and the situation, who does not talk down to his significant other, yell, raise his voice or use profanity. A real man is an adult. I, myself am not perfect, I can be very cold and stubborn BUT you will not find me yelling or calling anyone names, I could go there and I would hurt you more then you could imagine but why? I will act my age, I will act appropriate, I will act with class, I am a lady, a women! You will never catch me not controlling my anger and leaving the house to go out and get drink, nope not me! This side of him turns me off so much, in fact whenever I see any guy acting this way it's a turn off. This kind of behavior is so childish and inappropriate. What do you prove or solve when acting this way. Also, how will you act if you ever have a family someday, will you be showing this poor example to your children? This constant "I am trying to understand you, why can't you try to understand me?" I AM SO SORRY THAT I AM SO SELFISH!!! NOT!! I am a wonderful person who has a huge heart, I care for others, my love is pure. My family, even though drives me nuts have always been there for me and have will always be number one in my life. I will always pick my family over other people in my life, that's how it will always be! You don't like it, keep your mouth shut or deal with it. And what I do with my life, the choices I make with my family, keep your opinions to yourself, unless I ask you! No one is perfect, we all have our flaws. But anger and family is something that I am VERY SERIOUS about. If your not okay that I am close with my family then I am not the person for you. And if you can't control your anger like an adult then we will have a problem and at some point you will have to go. Anger is a very serious issue that should not be taken lightly, it's a problem that needs to be worked on and cured!

More time

I got a 2 week job working at one of the colleges here in SF and small world someone who I have known for years works in the same department, if things go well I might get a permanent job there, and if that happens that would be really nice. Everyone in the department is SO NICE and helpful, I couldn't ask to work with nicer people!! My Guy and I have been on a the rocks for a while, it is my fault. I do not know how to balance 5 things at once in my life, in my work life I am okay with. I am very scared that I will loose my best friend. I am someone who needs some time and I feel sometimes like a Mom who had twins, when one is hungry the other is crying and to try to feed the one who is hungry and then make the other stop crying AT THE SAME TIME!! I don't know how it can be done!! I feel I have a time bomb sitting on my chest waiting for me to make the wrong move and then BAM, My Guy will have had enough and can not wait anymore and leave. My life will not be over, but it will feel like I have a whole in my heart and I will feel empty and very sad. To try to focus on achieving a life of my own, an adult life has been this LONG, VERY VERY LONG ROAD and I might, I just might be finally getting to the end. And for the people in my life who want to get out of the car because this trip has gone on to long, I understand, but I also need them to understand everyone has a road of achievement they drive down and it's up to other people if they want to watch, be apart of or not be apart of. My Guy seems he does but he is a little burnt out and I feel so bad, I had an anxiety attack this morning over how sad he is and how it's my move to make things better. I KNOW it's my move, I know I need to make things better and I AM TRYING!!!!!!! It is something that I think about all the time, over and over and over again, and it kills me!!!!! I have not been sleeping well, most of the reason being that I am stressed out over if I will ever find a job but one of the other reasons is My Guy, I am stressing big time over him. I am so overwhelmed and I am trying to fix it all but it has been so hard and if I could just have more time.....

Non of this is real

Am I real? is this life real? Am I stuck in a matrix? Or have I lost my mind like The Narrator in Fight Club, I somehow created a world that's all fucked up and depressing and at some point I plan of killing myself but don't know it yet but it's going to happen because I live in a world that I made and I know every step and every move I'm going to make and every word that is going to come out of my mouth? I see people with jobs, they have a place of their own, they are married, they have a couch, they have friends, they are happy and they nice things and here I am, feeling that all of this is a facade, a mirage. I am really in a coma in a science lab, I am wearing a hospital gown, my hair is all greasy, my legs hairy, I am pale and I have big white grandma underwear on. Sometimes they put a sweater on me and they feed me bananas and tomato soup. I get to go outside for about an hour each day just to know what the sun feels like on my skin and what fresh air feels like on my face, then they put me back in the room and hook me back up again. No one really talks to me, kind of like my fake life, although when they do, but its shallow. I have been yearning for a dog, do I yearn for a dog for real? And yes, I want a dog that smells I guess, not the ones that have a punched in face. I am a project and this life is not real, and my real life is sad just like my fake one and I never had a chance in hell to succeed in this life, none of this is real, I was born a guinea pig and one day I will get old and my brain will not work very well and they will put me in a room to look out the window and watch the birds and cars pass by until one day I close my eyes and never open them again.

I'm a bad girl anyway....

My Last Apperence

I am writing this with a hurt heart and anger, my Saturday was more bitter then sweet. My sweet part was having a drink with my mother at the Little Shamrock, she has always wanted to go and I was happy to get to take her and what a perfect day on St. Patrick's day to do so!

My bitter part was with my boyfriends friends. I have talked about them before and I hope this is the last time I talk about them, because Sat was and will be the last time I ever want to see them! They are rude, they picked on me and made fun of me. They have no manners, their children are brats. And I have a feeling they don't really like me anyways, so I am going to do everyone a favor! From now on anytime my boyfriend brings up going over to the East Bay I will tell him I am not interested....it will not be easy because he can't just say "okay" EVERYTHING has to be fallowed with a "why, tell me the reason"...."okay, your friends are jerks and I would rather watch paint peel off the wall then spend a weekend day with them"!

I have cut people out of my life who I felt were not being nice to me and I will continue to do so. I am a very nice person, I never want to make anyone feel unwelcome around me and these people do a very good job of making me feel not-welcome! They need to learn some American manners, oh that's right they are from Europe, so there for they are better, well guess what your children are American and if you continue to live here your grandchildren will be American, so are you better then your own children?

Good bye East Bay Jerks, I'm looking forward to a weekend with out you and your brat kids!

A change of heart

Yesterday morning I was thinking about if Kony was found and was killed what would happen to all of the children? All of those children, 30 thousand of them are all fucked up (mentally disturbed), who is going to clean that up? Also, it wont be so simple for these kids to fall back into a normal routine if they get to reunite with their parents; that's if they didn't kill them. And what if they did kill them, who is going to take care of them, that's a lot of orphans!

I was also thinking, is finding this creep so simple? Send some US troops over, find the guy, kill the guy, everyone is happy and then our troops go home?
Kony has brain washed little boys to kill and when any outsiders come close they will kill so they run the risk of being killed as well. So in a way are we really helping the children after all? We want to save them, not kill them!

I didn't understand all of this video, but what I think I got from it was that if we proceed to support this Kony cause, are we ourselves are creating a new war? And if so, we are trying to end the Middle East one and end war for good! No one wants a new war!

My heart was all for this cause, and now I am having second thoughts, I don't want to be apart of something that might create a war! I remember the day it was announced when our troops were going to war back in 2003-4? I remember walking home from class and a feeling took over me, my heart felt heavy, the wind knocked out of me, knowing that things will forever be different...and they have! I want to help, but is the way they are asking the right way?

First step, right track....a come back!

it used to be movies and music

When I was in high school my life was all about music and movies. After high school I continued to stay with my hobby, I dont know when it happened but something got in the way or did I loose interest? I'm not blaming it on other people but I do have a hard time balancing my hobby's and people in my life. When I didnt have really any friends, I would go to the movies and rest movies A LOT, and when I was single I would go to concert or venue shows A LOT. I got to pick and choose how I wanted to spend my time, now I feel I can't. My life is mostly spent on looking for jobs and making sure I have my laundry done for the weekend because I will be with the boyfriend.

I would pick up a SF Weekly and Bay Guardian every Wed when I went to school and then I would check some of the movie houses on-line, I used to check out Pitchfork too. Now I'm all into fashion blogs, can I go back, can I be into both? Did I forget all about that part of my life because that's what I did when I was younger or because that was a really sad part of my life....I dont know, but I do know I miss it!

I miss my simple little bubble life, everything was in it's right place, everything was quiet, I had a routine, I had a routine, I dont have one anymore. I feel i'm not allowed.

I want to be able to do my thing without someone telling me otherwise, but thats not possible.

I'm not sure what's going to happen to me, but I'm scared that what used to make me happy will someday really disappear.

i NEED a friend

That is all.

Passion-less

My job hunting is still going on, although I have reached out to 2 people that I have known for a while and one responded to my plea! I will be meeting with this women who is going to help me with my resume and then go from there I guess. I am very grateful and thankful this is a start! I have also signed up to some babysitting/nanny sites, I really dont want to take care of kids but I know I cant hunt for an office job forever, money needs to be made!

I had a dream the other night of a black cat, it was in my room hiding under my bed and I wanted him out! My boyfriend sent me a link to what it means to have a cat in your dream and its was very interesting, the info was spot on; this is what is said, "To see a black cat means that you have some hesitation in determining what you actually want out of life" also " If you chase the cat then this shows that obstacles are currently in your way". I am very hesitant in determining what I want out of my life and for sure I have felt for a very long time that I have obstacles in my life.

I have been thinking if my family plays a role in some way of how things have ended up the way are, I was thinking what if I had artistic or creative parents, parents who were passionate about life, would I have been a more "go getter"? My parents are blue collar workers and people, honest life and honest living, simple, just the way they like it. And its fine, but what if they had a fun passion? I always admired kids who had parents who were into music or decorating their home, or even a passion for their kids! It would also be helpful and nice if I had some passionate and creative friends in my life.

I keep telling myself that if someone could just give me a chance a paying/paycheck chance it would be awesome, it would really lift me up. I have felt so dead, lifeless for too long and I also feel my brain is getting dumber! Seriously, I feel dumb!

To have the right kind of people in your life is really important, but I also think to have people who inspire you, who are passionate is also important.

Something new for my room

The red plastic thing and the doll

One weekend my family and I attended a school fair, a friend of the family her children went to this school. There were all kinds of games to play and arts and crafts to do, there was one game I remember playing; there was a tent and inside the tent was all these little plastic figures and you had to find the red one, it was very hard also you had to find it in one minute. If you found it, you won a doll, I wanted that doll SO BAD (I was like 7yr old), I didn't find that red plastic thing, and I remember the lady standing outside that tent counting down to 10, I also remember crying when my Mom and I walked away.

I don't know if that was the first time I can remember experiencing being under pressure, why that moment in my life sticks out more then others, but trying hard at something and then failing has always been a sore spot in my life, I don't handle it well! Searching for a job has been feeling like trying to find the red plastic thing in the tent and getting a job will be like winning that the doll.

I have not cried in a little while but I am sensitive more then usual, I know and am very aware how lucky I am, I have a caring family and a caring/helpful boyfriend but its hard sometimes to see it when your so obsessed in finding that red plastic thing, and you wonder is it ever going to happen, will I get that doll someday?

Obessed Art

I am really into nail art and I have done one art thing to my nails, its a craft for sure you have to master and I am game to master at it!

Understand?

I have days where I don't feel I belong in this world, at 28 years old I did not think my life would be like this, no job, still living at home, but I also didn't think about what I am capable of being able to do, not till later, not till it was too late.

There have been somethings that took me down a different road that I wanted to take, it has not been bad but I do think it has set me back and a little bit and also the economy's fault.

I do my best and try my best everyday (almost everyday) to understand this world and the people in my life, sometimes I don't and sometimes I do. Sometimes they can be too much for me, they overwhelm me or they just don't get me, and that makes it hard for me.

My boyfriend can be not easy to deal with sometimes for my brain, but I tell myself that he is a good person and he is the best person who has ever came into my life. The other day he asked me what I hope to get out of life down the road, I have never liked these kind of questions, it's really hard for me to look down the hall at the future for myself or with someone in it with me. I have to take one day at a time, that's how it has to be with me, the only thing that I like to be in advance is scheduling. My life has be on a schedule, if not I feel everything around me is falling apart, is that living in a bubble? I don't care! I also need a routine, it helps keep my brain from falling off the boat, yes I do have day's where I have no idea what I am going to do, but they dont happen too much.

This is me, a little bit of a mess of a young adult women who has a huge heart, an open mind that is confused most of the time and who loves dogs more then people.

3 ladies and 1/2