A lot has happened for me from my last post. I started a new job on May 7th, a real job, from 8:30am-5pm, 5 days a week, a steady paycheck job! When I had the interview I told the person that my boyfriend and I had bought tickets a year ago for Europe and I'd be gone most of June. She said that if I would to be hired that it shouldn't be a problem. I had a trial run and 2 days passed and I got an email saying that I was hired, I could not believe that a job wanted to hire me, a company actually wanted ME!!! I still pinch myself and I think I always will, I have wanted this opportunity for so long and now I have it and I just can't believe it!! I'm lucky, most of the people at my work are very nice and have also taken my dyslexia to count and have not made me feel like a freak. My job is not a cake walk, I'm on my feet eight hours a day and I get two 10 min breaks and a 30 min lunch break, but I'm happy to have a job. Thats what I tell people when they ask me "T, how is the job?" "I'm just happy to have a job" and its true.
So, June 3rd came and off I went on a 3 week vacation to Europe with My Guy. We were two weeks in Slovakia and one week in London and we took a day trip to Paris. It was I felt my second best trip My Guy and I have had, it was truly a nice trip!
You know when someone pulls the rug out from under you? Well thats how it felt when we got back to SF, it was as if My Guy and I were in a dream for three weeks and then reality hit when we got back, I'm in shock! But I'm wondering if I'm in denial, this was bound to happen? I said some things one night that looking back I regret and I really wish I never said, but during that day when I thought to myself "I'm going to ask My Guy" it sounded fine in my head. That seems to happen a lot to me, it sounds fine and right in my head and then when the words/ideas/suggestions come out its as if fire is coming out of my mouth and I burn every house down. My Guy told me this was it, he said he can't do this anymore, I don't listen, I bull shit too much and we don't communicat well. I can't disagree with him, he is right, when he said all these things to me it felt at that moment my body was made of sand and the sand now had decided to leak out of my hands. I am loosing everything. My Guy asked me what do I do for this house, for us and I didn't entirely understand, so the first thing that came to my mind was I help keep the house clean and I do the laundry he didn't like my answer. Now that I have had some more time to think about this, I thought, I arranged for us to be able to live together, I asked my Aunt if My Guy could live in her house while she is living in Hawaii; I then later moved in with him. I have not said this to My Guy afraid of what he might say. I'm not sure if he was referring to finances, because if so, for a long long time I was not making money and if I did it was barely enough. I know have a full time job and I would like to contribute to the household. He said I don't appreciate anything and again he could be right, I do take My Guy for granted sometimes, he has treated me like a princess from the moment we started to date, and i guess saything "thank you" gets old....then what else can I do to show my appreciation?
I feel a lot of the times there is something wrong with me, like I have missed social cues and I don't know how to properly interact with people. Most of life I find overwhelming and if I can get though one day not messing up anything it's a big deal for me. Losing My Guy will be very hard, I have depended on him for everything, for everything! I don't blame him that he is tired of all of this, I worried this was going to happen one day, I am incapable of being a 100% independent, I will always need someone to "look after me". It's very sad and embarrassing to admit this but its true.
What can I do now? I think at this point nothing, I don't see an opportunity to redeem myself. I asked My Guy last night just as we were falling asleep if he hated me, he said "No,T,I dont hate you", when he said that it made me feel a little bit better. If he had said yes I'm not sure what I would do. I don't want this man to ever hate me, or have any negative feelings towards me. My Guy was the greatest person ever, and I mean EVER to have come into my life and he will never leave my heart, he will be deeply embedded in my soul. He showed me so many things and has helped me so much. I know I can not be an easy person to work with sometimes or maybe most of the time and I at that moment I don't know it but when the moment has passed and I look back I ask myself why, why do I this, why do I act this way? Do I feel it's an act of control, because I have very little or am I a mean person and don't realize it?
Whatever My Guy wants, he can have, I won't fight him, he can have it all, because I will be losing the greatest and biggest person in my life, who maybe I never really deserved.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
So much to say...
I have lots of stories to tell you and so I am going to title each in this post.
RIP Blake
It was a Wednesday night, and I was waiting for the L at Castro station to take me home after having a blissful evening with my little cousins,cousin and family friends. We all went to see sing-a-long Little Mermaid, I sang my heart out, I even wore a red wig. It had been a while that I had, had some fun like that, it was really nice. Anyways, waiting for the L, in all good spirits, my phone rings, it's a friend who never calls me; I declined the phone call, and would just listen to the voicemail if she was going to leave one. Voicemail was left and the message swept all of my happiness away! She said that Blake died and to call her. I hate to talk on Muni, really I hate anyone who talks on their cell phone on Muni so I would call her back once I got off Muni. I was a few blocks away from my stop and she texted me asking me to call her, once I got off I called her. She had been crying, and of corse she couldn't give me her full 100% attention. I asked what happened...she told me that Blake was visiting his family in TX and his stay was extended because he started to not feel well again, his hair was falling out. Blake needed to have surgery and it was going to be a fast and little surgery...from what I was told, he would spend one day overnight in the hospital and then I'm sure after that a few more days in TX and then back to SF. It didnt happen like that, Blake did have the surgery but he passed away in surgery, at 31 years old!
Let me give you to break down..(I'm sorry if my information is at any time wrong, I am on a he said she said source of info)
Blake was diagnosed with colon cancer in Aug of 2012, I found out in late October or November of 2012. When I found out I was upset that my friend didn't tell me sooner, I know Blake would have never said anything but I wish my friend had! Blake wore a colostomy bag for six months, he was in and out of chemotherapy and in late February, early March of 2013 Blake had his surgery to make him all better. The surgery was successful, everyone was happy for him, we threw a birthday party for him and I had seen him a few times after his birthday.At this time I had decided to go back to school, I had also scored a job, so all my energy was put into school and my job. I would think of Blake and I would text him asking how he was feeling and he would always reply back "great" little did I know he wasn't. One day Blake (in Nov or Dec 2013) texted me asking what I was up to, I told him I was busy with school and work...no response back (shocker), and that was the last I had heard from Blake.
After I was told that Blake died, it was first..."okay, he's dead, but I thought he was better, so how did this happen?" then I got angry, like really really angry, I couldn't figure out who I was angry at the most, my freind or Blake. Why did no one tell me Blake got sick again? That was another reason for my anger, I was also angry that he was a crappy friend but I was also sad that the guy I hung out with so much back in 2005 and always had such a good time with and was always laughing with was now gone, dead! As conceded as this will come off, the group of people I know and Blake knew, he knows all from me and it would have been nice to have been included more into his whole cancer journey! Blake and I had a falling out years back. I stepped away from him and other friends because I couldn't take the lack of friendship and the consent going out every weekend and staying out till 2-4am! Fuck, I needed and wanted to get my shit together, start taking on the roll of being an adult!
Blake was their for me when I needed him back in 2005...2007, after I broke up with his roommate, my boyfriend, I was a mess. Blake and I had a very platonic relationship it never went further than that. At that time I had no friends, I was grieving over my break-up, I was a mess. He was the only person I had in my life who I could turn to to do fun stuff with. We would go to the movies, art shows, music shows, house parties. It was a sad time but it was also a nice time in my life. I feel regret for not being their for him in his sad part of his life. But I also think he would have pushed me away, brushed it off like no big deal...he did in a way the times I saw him. So I have to remind myself to let go of some of these feelings because there is nothing I can could have done and there is nothing I can do!
I have not cried yet, I feel guilty, I think the anger I have held for so long wont let me. A friend of mine suggested to write a letter to him, and I'm going to do that. I hope it will help. I have a lot of blunt things to say!
I hit a road block
I signed up for the Medical Assisting program. A few people told me, this program would be hard some others asked "is this really what you want to do?". My guy didnt want me to go back to school because he knows how hard school is for me. Going into this game with people behind my back aganist it was hard. I felt I had something to prove. It was hard but doable, for my first semester. Second semester, I failed one class and third semester thats when I hit my road block! I was in an insurance class, and the kind of math we had to do was tedious and hard. I talked with my teacher and she was a total ass. I had been down this road before, seven years down this road, I was not going to do it again! I talked with my counsler and I decided to drop out of the Medical Assisting. As much as it's hard to admit school is not for me, it will never be! So now, what? I'm going to continue to work at the art studio and I might have some travel plans ahead, and then after that Id like to apply to some programs that help people with learning disabilities find jobs.
The privileged white girl, no more
If you have seen Orange is the new black then you know what I will be talking about when I say that I felt like Piper when I learned that I was not eligible for Covered California but Medi-Cal! I make so little that I was denied
CC and told I had to apply for Medi-Cal. I was like no no no, not me, thats not for someone like me. I'm a white girl, from a nice middle class family, who lives in a nice neighborhood, who also has no children and does not use food stamps! It's like when Piper went to jail she was constantly reminded that her white girl ways needed to be put behind her and start thinking REAL LIFE! I am embarrassed about this, My Guy and my parents only know. Should I be? I guess not, is it a big deal...I'm sure not but it is to me. So, my Dad helped me out and he even went with me to the office in SOMA district. I'll tell you this, it was a very very nice building and everyone was very nice. I was also not the only white person. After I was done...it only took about 45 min (we arrived when the doors opened)it felt so crazy to be handed something for FREE!!! Also, my health care is free, I will never have to pay a dime for anything, even my meds! But there is a down side, you cant go to just any doctors, there is a restricted list...a book rather of a list of doctors who take Medi-Cal. I miss my doctor and my OBGYN, the only upside is I'm not paying $360 each month that I never had!
ME
To the new year, with a little shorter hair, I'd like to get my ears pierced, second piercing, I'd like to change my look a bit and I'd really like to think about going for a dream of mine. This new year has started off rough but sometimes you have to walk into the storm to see the sun.
RIP Blake
It was a Wednesday night, and I was waiting for the L at Castro station to take me home after having a blissful evening with my little cousins,cousin and family friends. We all went to see sing-a-long Little Mermaid, I sang my heart out, I even wore a red wig. It had been a while that I had, had some fun like that, it was really nice. Anyways, waiting for the L, in all good spirits, my phone rings, it's a friend who never calls me; I declined the phone call, and would just listen to the voicemail if she was going to leave one. Voicemail was left and the message swept all of my happiness away! She said that Blake died and to call her. I hate to talk on Muni, really I hate anyone who talks on their cell phone on Muni so I would call her back once I got off Muni. I was a few blocks away from my stop and she texted me asking me to call her, once I got off I called her. She had been crying, and of corse she couldn't give me her full 100% attention. I asked what happened...she told me that Blake was visiting his family in TX and his stay was extended because he started to not feel well again, his hair was falling out. Blake needed to have surgery and it was going to be a fast and little surgery...from what I was told, he would spend one day overnight in the hospital and then I'm sure after that a few more days in TX and then back to SF. It didnt happen like that, Blake did have the surgery but he passed away in surgery, at 31 years old!
Let me give you to break down..(I'm sorry if my information is at any time wrong, I am on a he said she said source of info)
Blake was diagnosed with colon cancer in Aug of 2012, I found out in late October or November of 2012. When I found out I was upset that my friend didn't tell me sooner, I know Blake would have never said anything but I wish my friend had! Blake wore a colostomy bag for six months, he was in and out of chemotherapy and in late February, early March of 2013 Blake had his surgery to make him all better. The surgery was successful, everyone was happy for him, we threw a birthday party for him and I had seen him a few times after his birthday.At this time I had decided to go back to school, I had also scored a job, so all my energy was put into school and my job. I would think of Blake and I would text him asking how he was feeling and he would always reply back "great" little did I know he wasn't. One day Blake (in Nov or Dec 2013) texted me asking what I was up to, I told him I was busy with school and work...no response back (shocker), and that was the last I had heard from Blake.
After I was told that Blake died, it was first..."okay, he's dead, but I thought he was better, so how did this happen?" then I got angry, like really really angry, I couldn't figure out who I was angry at the most, my freind or Blake. Why did no one tell me Blake got sick again? That was another reason for my anger, I was also angry that he was a crappy friend but I was also sad that the guy I hung out with so much back in 2005 and always had such a good time with and was always laughing with was now gone, dead! As conceded as this will come off, the group of people I know and Blake knew, he knows all from me and it would have been nice to have been included more into his whole cancer journey! Blake and I had a falling out years back. I stepped away from him and other friends because I couldn't take the lack of friendship and the consent going out every weekend and staying out till 2-4am! Fuck, I needed and wanted to get my shit together, start taking on the roll of being an adult!
Blake was their for me when I needed him back in 2005...2007, after I broke up with his roommate, my boyfriend, I was a mess. Blake and I had a very platonic relationship it never went further than that. At that time I had no friends, I was grieving over my break-up, I was a mess. He was the only person I had in my life who I could turn to to do fun stuff with. We would go to the movies, art shows, music shows, house parties. It was a sad time but it was also a nice time in my life. I feel regret for not being their for him in his sad part of his life. But I also think he would have pushed me away, brushed it off like no big deal...he did in a way the times I saw him. So I have to remind myself to let go of some of these feelings because there is nothing I can could have done and there is nothing I can do!
I have not cried yet, I feel guilty, I think the anger I have held for so long wont let me. A friend of mine suggested to write a letter to him, and I'm going to do that. I hope it will help. I have a lot of blunt things to say!
I hit a road block
I signed up for the Medical Assisting program. A few people told me, this program would be hard some others asked "is this really what you want to do?". My guy didnt want me to go back to school because he knows how hard school is for me. Going into this game with people behind my back aganist it was hard. I felt I had something to prove. It was hard but doable, for my first semester. Second semester, I failed one class and third semester thats when I hit my road block! I was in an insurance class, and the kind of math we had to do was tedious and hard. I talked with my teacher and she was a total ass. I had been down this road before, seven years down this road, I was not going to do it again! I talked with my counsler and I decided to drop out of the Medical Assisting. As much as it's hard to admit school is not for me, it will never be! So now, what? I'm going to continue to work at the art studio and I might have some travel plans ahead, and then after that Id like to apply to some programs that help people with learning disabilities find jobs.
The privileged white girl, no more
If you have seen Orange is the new black then you know what I will be talking about when I say that I felt like Piper when I learned that I was not eligible for Covered California but Medi-Cal! I make so little that I was denied
CC and told I had to apply for Medi-Cal. I was like no no no, not me, thats not for someone like me. I'm a white girl, from a nice middle class family, who lives in a nice neighborhood, who also has no children and does not use food stamps! It's like when Piper went to jail she was constantly reminded that her white girl ways needed to be put behind her and start thinking REAL LIFE! I am embarrassed about this, My Guy and my parents only know. Should I be? I guess not, is it a big deal...I'm sure not but it is to me. So, my Dad helped me out and he even went with me to the office in SOMA district. I'll tell you this, it was a very very nice building and everyone was very nice. I was also not the only white person. After I was done...it only took about 45 min (we arrived when the doors opened)it felt so crazy to be handed something for FREE!!! Also, my health care is free, I will never have to pay a dime for anything, even my meds! But there is a down side, you cant go to just any doctors, there is a restricted list...a book rather of a list of doctors who take Medi-Cal. I miss my doctor and my OBGYN, the only upside is I'm not paying $360 each month that I never had!
ME
To the new year, with a little shorter hair, I'd like to get my ears pierced, second piercing, I'd like to change my look a bit and I'd really like to think about going for a dream of mine. This new year has started off rough but sometimes you have to walk into the storm to see the sun.
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