A lot has happened for me from my last post. I started a new job on May 7th, a real job, from 8:30am-5pm, 5 days a week, a steady paycheck job! When I had the interview I told the person that my boyfriend and I had bought tickets a year ago for Europe and I'd be gone most of June. She said that if I would to be hired that it shouldn't be a problem. I had a trial run and 2 days passed and I got an email saying that I was hired, I could not believe that a job wanted to hire me, a company actually wanted ME!!! I still pinch myself and I think I always will, I have wanted this opportunity for so long and now I have it and I just can't believe it!! I'm lucky, most of the people at my work are very nice and have also taken my dyslexia to count and have not made me feel like a freak. My job is not a cake walk, I'm on my feet eight hours a day and I get two 10 min breaks and a 30 min lunch break, but I'm happy to have a job. Thats what I tell people when they ask me "T, how is the job?" "I'm just happy to have a job" and its true.
So, June 3rd came and off I went on a 3 week vacation to Europe with My Guy. We were two weeks in Slovakia and one week in London and we took a day trip to Paris. It was I felt my second best trip My Guy and I have had, it was truly a nice trip!
You know when someone pulls the rug out from under you? Well thats how it felt when we got back to SF, it was as if My Guy and I were in a dream for three weeks and then reality hit when we got back, I'm in shock! But I'm wondering if I'm in denial, this was bound to happen? I said some things one night that looking back I regret and I really wish I never said, but during that day when I thought to myself "I'm going to ask My Guy" it sounded fine in my head. That seems to happen a lot to me, it sounds fine and right in my head and then when the words/ideas/suggestions come out its as if fire is coming out of my mouth and I burn every house down. My Guy told me this was it, he said he can't do this anymore, I don't listen, I bull shit too much and we don't communicat well. I can't disagree with him, he is right, when he said all these things to me it felt at that moment my body was made of sand and the sand now had decided to leak out of my hands. I am loosing everything. My Guy asked me what do I do for this house, for us and I didn't entirely understand, so the first thing that came to my mind was I help keep the house clean and I do the laundry he didn't like my answer. Now that I have had some more time to think about this, I thought, I arranged for us to be able to live together, I asked my Aunt if My Guy could live in her house while she is living in Hawaii; I then later moved in with him. I have not said this to My Guy afraid of what he might say. I'm not sure if he was referring to finances, because if so, for a long long time I was not making money and if I did it was barely enough. I know have a full time job and I would like to contribute to the household. He said I don't appreciate anything and again he could be right, I do take My Guy for granted sometimes, he has treated me like a princess from the moment we started to date, and i guess saything "thank you" gets old....then what else can I do to show my appreciation?
I feel a lot of the times there is something wrong with me, like I have missed social cues and I don't know how to properly interact with people. Most of life I find overwhelming and if I can get though one day not messing up anything it's a big deal for me. Losing My Guy will be very hard, I have depended on him for everything, for everything! I don't blame him that he is tired of all of this, I worried this was going to happen one day, I am incapable of being a 100% independent, I will always need someone to "look after me". It's very sad and embarrassing to admit this but its true.
What can I do now? I think at this point nothing, I don't see an opportunity to redeem myself. I asked My Guy last night just as we were falling asleep if he hated me, he said "No,T,I dont hate you", when he said that it made me feel a little bit better. If he had said yes I'm not sure what I would do. I don't want this man to ever hate me, or have any negative feelings towards me. My Guy was the greatest person ever, and I mean EVER to have come into my life and he will never leave my heart, he will be deeply embedded in my soul. He showed me so many things and has helped me so much. I know I can not be an easy person to work with sometimes or maybe most of the time and I at that moment I don't know it but when the moment has passed and I look back I ask myself why, why do I this, why do I act this way? Do I feel it's an act of control, because I have very little or am I a mean person and don't realize it?
Whatever My Guy wants, he can have, I won't fight him, he can have it all, because I will be losing the greatest and biggest person in my life, who maybe I never really deserved.
