One day you wake up and your 30 years old

It's true, one day you wake up and you're 30 years old, it happened to me, I'm 30 now and its weird. Weird, like, when I look at myself in the mirrier I see 24 and I still find jokes about shit/poop funny. I know I'm not some old hag, but for sure the year of 29 my tolerance was becoming shorter and shorter. And, I have like no tolorencess, I don't have time for bull shit.

I'm back in school, and messerable, what a surprise! BUT, I seem to have scored a job working at an art studio with kids. It's not what I want to do , but I really really like the job, its fun and my boss is a long time friend of the family.

My Mom and I, our relationship just keeps getting worse, day by day, I cry over it sometimes. Last week I had tickets to go to a musical that My Man bought for me as one of my birthday presents. He ended up realizing that he could not go because he had a 50k run the next morning, very early in the morning. My Guy suggested that I ask my Mom if she would like to go. I call her up she says "yes", cool, done! I call her that week asking her if she would like to have dinner before the show, she says to me "um, how about you do your thing and I'll do mine and we will just meet for the show" I said "okay", hung up the phone and cried. My own mother doesnt want to have dinner with me. So then I decided to dump her and find someone else. I have very slim pickings in my life...I called my gay guy, he couldn't because of work. I called my childhood friend who was visiting SF, he couldnt go. Then I call my cousin, SHE COULD GO! But not to dinner, and that sucked a bit but its was fine, my cousins company was going to be WAY better than my depressing mother, and it was! I was happy for my cousin to want to go with me, but I was very sad that the low number of people in my life who I can call up, more so female friends...its like there are none.

I went to Hawaii for my birthday, to see my Aunt and her husband. I had some deep conversations with her and one of them I said that I realized that the kind of relationship I have with my Mother explanes a lot of the kind of female friend relationships I have had growing up. I never had a female friend who was like a mother to me, the kind of Mom who was there for me and would listen and care. I have always had the kind of female friend who was like my Mom, just funny and nice to hang out with, but thats all. And from what I have been missing and dont know, how would I know how to attract that kind of girl to be my friend? I want something that I have never had, that I'm unfamiliar with and wishing for.

I guess with all the wishing I did to meet someone wonderful, I need to really start to wish for a friend who could be kind of like that Mom that I always wanted.

The kind of friend I would like, would have cared that my 101 Grandmother died and that I'm having problems with my Mother.

Here is to a new 10 years of my life, I hope to do some things differently, some good things come my way and I find what I have been looking for!

(sorry for the really bad spelling, my spell check is not working...I dont know why)

Maybe my birthday wises will make me forget how old I'm turning...

a little hip to the hop

If only you were real Mallory..

Have you ever become very interested in a character from a book, movie or t.v show? Like so interested that you wish they were real and you wish they were your friend or could just sit and have a drink with them? For a little while now I have been watching this t.v show on Hulu that was on air back in the 1980's called Family Ties and I have taken a huge interest in the older sister Mallory Keaton. I feel I can relate to her so much! Mallory is not interested in school, she likes fashion, likes to talk on the phone, she is goofy,she loves her friends and she is a really caring person. Mallory is someone who I really wish was real. Sometimes when I watch the show I get a little terry eyed because I wish such a character was real and in my life. Maybe this makes me a real crazy person but I don't care. I think I have talked about this before, as much as I have been disappointed with the girls/women who I have/had in my life I will never stop looking, dreaming and hoping for that friendship I would love to have so much.

music to my ears

Goodbye Nonie...

My Grandmother, Nonie (grandmother in Italian) passed away the eve of Easter, March 30th 2013 at the age of 101! It was fitting I guess being that some of my best memories was spent with her and the rest of my family on Easter. Nonie had the best backyard for an Easter egg hunt, it was massive! Even though my memories are not as rooted as the memories my older cousins have of our Nonie, the fact that a part of my family history is now forever gone, is what is sad the most for me. I am sooo very fascinated by my family history and I know very little, some stories here and there is all I have. I am also trying to put my feet in my father's shoes, he is a 66 year old man who has lost his 101 year old mother, is this an odd feeling for him? Most people loos there parents when they are in there 50's...I think, so is his loos of his mother a "it was about time" feeling for him? The rosary and funeral was a week after Nonie's death, when we arrived at Holy Cross (grave) after we said our good bye we headed over to where my Grandpa is berried and my Grandma's parents and her sister. That was such a nice wonderful moment to sand in front of these people with my cousins and parents, I got a little spiritual, wondering if they were looking down on us and waving "hello, thank you for your visit".

I made a cagoule of pictures of my Nonie and I want to share them with you...I hope you enjoy them!

Is it ever good enough?

As much as I have talked about how school is hard for me and also how my Mother and I our relationship is sad and how My Guy and I have some issues....I have some stinky shit under my belt, let alone also some money problems! To try to cope with me being back in school I think I'm doing fine, my Mom...I will never be fine, my heart is and will be broken until she really sees that she is hurting her daughter; and as for My Guy and I, I am trying but I have a feeling he would disagree. I have a test every Tuesday and tons of homework every week and a test every other week, I try not to make homework an excuses to not be able to help out around the house but sometimes that's how it is, I need to do my homework and everything else is last. I want to finish this program as fast as I can so I can get a life long job!!! I wash the dishes every night (some nights are skipped, so I do them in the morning), I wash and fold the laundry, I keep the other rooms in the house clean and tidy. I feel My Guy makes me feel like I am the only one who makes the counter top messy and also the sink in the bathroom a mess, it's hard for me to understand this because there are 2 people in this house and as neat and tidy My Guy is, he can also be messy to! The side comments I wish would stop, "every time, I ask, put the lid back in the microwave" "can you please clean the counter top, its your mess" "the sink is gross, can you clean it" "why don't you cook". How about, it would be nice if you put your Trader Joe bags away, how about it would be nice if you didn't leave beer caps out...is it too much to toss them away right when you open the beer? How about you wash the big pans, instead of leaving water in them on the stove for DAYS!! I try not to say anything, I try to look at it like these are the things HE DOES and I wish he would not say anything and look at this is what SHE DOES. I could be doing way worse or gross things right?

I do my part, the best I can and it would be nice if my part felt good enough, felt like I was helpful. I don't feel what My Guy does is not helpful enough, he does his part. I made a to do list about a week ago and My Guy doesn't seem to like it, he added last night that he feels I tell him what to do a lot. IF I COULD PSYCHICALLY do all the things on the list I would, but I can't and he can, and these are things that need to get done around the house, they just do! Trust me, if I could I really would, because they would be all done by now.

Ugh....im the flower withering away in the wind.

this and that

I am not living with my parents anymore, even though I have not 100% moved out.I am living with My Guy....I might have talk about this but whatever! My Mom likes to stop by whenever she feels like it, doesn't really bother to call to to if it's a good time!! She really only comes over to see the dog and to see if My Guy will download e-books to her Kindle because she say's "its too hard for me to put books on my Kindle"! My Mother drives me nuts, almost every time she leaves I want to cry, I cry, I feel depressed! The women who brought me into this world is not present in life anymore, I can not rely on her for anything, she is pathetic! And I am so sad by this, because out of all moments in my life I feel I really need a Mom, and I don't have one!

I started school last month and already I feel I have been going to school for YEARS!!! These classes are kicking my ASS, I have a test almost every Tuesday...by the way, medical term's, WTF!!! It's this foreign language that I had no idea about, and maybe if I did know about it before going back to school to study for a Medical Receptionist Certificate I would have felt more prepared! I am also struggling with myself that "is this the right choice for me" did I make a good one, will I be able to do this job?