Designs in my head

When I announced that I would be decorating my brothers room my brain has not shut up! And then to make it even worse I have been addicted to this new show on Bravo called Million Dollar Decorators. I feel like there is this bubble that is growing out from the top of my head and its getting thicker and heaver and if I don't get to use my "power" its going to explode. For sure I am not this amazing decorator like people are in the show but I have never had more ideas in my head about creating something in my life!!!! I'm sure this is what it feels like when an artist does not have his paint and brush's, he needs to paint something but there is nothing for him to paint with!! I do have a passion for fashion but I think my passion for design was never as dominant as the fashion part, plus fashion is easily accessible in way as to interior design; I mean who has a warehouse where they can just keep furniture and things because they like them? My closet can barely fit all of my shoes!! I could also be changing in way, my interest in fashion I think will always be with me, but I think my interest for decorating is making its way to be in the front of the line and I'm okay with this BUT I find it very frustrating!!!! The visions in my head are so powerful, so real, its DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!

Life is a bull ride

I started my volentering job at the doctors office yesterday (Tue 7th) and it was not an easy first day....well it kind of was. My duties included putting back the charts of patients, collect the fax's that come in and give them to the doctors in the office open up mail and give them to the doctors, make labels for new charts, make new charts. Kind of a lot of nothing but it was a busy day and I was standing from 9-5 the only time I sat down was for lunch and that was for about 30min. The people in the office were nice to me, although this one women got a little annoyed with me towards the end of the day. My Guy was kind of in the area so he offered to pick me up, when I got in the car he asked me how my day was, i had told him a little bit about it when I talked with him on the phone before he picked up and already I was kind of not in a good mood. My brain felt numb and feet and back were killing me, all I wanted to do was go to bed; but I couldn't My Guy and I were going to see the U2 concert.

I think I did okay on my first day, even if I didn't they cant fire me, it's an unpaid job. I have no confidence in myself when it comes to working, NONE WHAT SO EVER!!! I was thinking today what job did I like the most, what job did I have that made me feel good? It was the job that I had in college, I worked on the campus, I loved that job and I loved my boss, I worked by myself and that got a little lonely sometimes but at the same time I knew I felt I stayed out of trouble and out of people's way. I wish I could have kept that job and the pay was better, I think it really was the best job for me, I felt good about myself and I had a boss that was encouraging and so nice.

A few people asked me the other day how old I was and I told them, some said "okay" and some said "oh wow" I don't know was the "oh wow" about that I'm closer to 30 then to 19 and I dont have enough experience and a job? I'm really scared about my future, it is so hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel of my life. I see myself having a job and then loosing it and this being an on going process. I don't see myself being good at things, I also dont know what the hell I want to do with my life or myself, I wish I could figure it out I wish I could be good at something that applied to the working world. I feel so misunderstood by people, family, friends and even by my boyfriend, I feel I am on this on going battle with myself and everyone else. I am a good person, a nice young women, funny, I like putting outfits together and designing a room, I like to clean, I like to be organized, I like to paint my nails, I like to help others; these things make me feel good.

I sometimes lay in bed at night thinking about having a family and the one thing that wins over all the nice feelings is if my child later in life ended up with a learning disability, it would be one of the most saddest day's in my life, just knowing that my child will have to suffer the way I have for so long to understand things, it will be a very dark day. I really dont know how I would deal, I think I would cry for day's. Writing about this is making me cry.

Life is a bull ride, to stay on that bull is so hard!

When I say now , I mean NOW!!!!!

I have this summer project that I would like to achieve and it's throwing out all of my brothers stuff in this room and transforming it into this beautiful space....if it was up to me it would be half way done!! But I need help and finding help is really hard to find, My Guy said he would help but every time I throw out my idea's he seems to not like them......I would like to start at 10am....he says it shouldn't matter what time we start. Oh really? Well I would like to go to the Good-Will or the dump I would like to get the paint, I need to put more things in trash bags and I CANT DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF!!!! I HATE when I have to rely on others because when I ask for something I want it done NOW!!! I don't care if thats mean, it's who I am, but I also know that something's can not happen now, and when I know this I am as cool as a cumber!!!

When My Guy and I got back from Europe I was really excited to post pictures it's been 2 weeks now? I keep asking and asking and asking, I have even tried to set some time but something keeps happening from making the time to get the pictures up and IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! I know this might sound stupid but I'm not sure if My Guy understands....I have waited my whole life to go to Europe and I would like to have some pictures to show for it!!!! I am this close of loosing my shit and going all crazy lady at him............I WANT MY FUCKING PICTURES YOU PROCRASTINATING ASS!!!! Like I said before if it was up to me I would have had them already, so being that I don't I will just continue to rid his ass till I get them, or I will go to his place while he is at work and some how send a file to myself of the pictures.

I am so frustrated with people these day's, I also need a weekend sometime soon where I dont do anything or I do something that I want to do all by myself!!!!