Deal with it and make a change!

I am noticing more and more women my age or around my age and even younger, like teens and kids are extremely insecure and the level of insecurity is scary. I have my own insecurities but I don’t feel I carry the level that other women have. My own would be my skin and the way I dress and the statues of my life right now I feel is not up to par the way I feel it should be, other than that I think I’m all good.

This thought came across my mind as I was getting a taxi ride home from after attending my friend’s birthday. When I was thinking in the car of the list I hear young women talk about its scary, are there less and less girls being raised to think that “you” are the only person that matters and no one else counts? I know that sounds cheesy but its true. Who is a magazine, the media or anybody else to tell me how I have to be, look or act. Maybe this is easy for me to say because I don’t have anybody issues. I was teased heavily when I was younger for being too skinny but I never understood what the big deal was when I got teased. Then when I got into high school some of the girls would say things and I still didn’t get it. Now that I’m adult I get it now, they think because I’m skinny life if perfect for me. WRONG!!!!!!!! Do you know how self conscious I am, the last thing I want to do is make some other women feel intimidated that I think I’m hot shit because I have a better body then her. Almost every day someone (women mostly) say something about my body and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. What do you say to “God I wish I was skinny as you” WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT???? I never know how to react; I wish I could say “Please leave me alone”. My mother never talked about my body, really the only thing she said was “I was skinny just like you when I was young; it runs in the family, there is nothing you can do about it”. So, there is nothing I can do about it, I can’t change this to make other women feel comfortable and you know what I wouldn’t! I’m not going to change to make you feel more comfortable around me. If anything women and young girls need positive role models to teach them who they are matters and no one else. I know I’m really lucky to have and had amazing women in my life that have taught me it’s not healthy to obsess over things like this. Focusing on speaking your mind, being louder than the guys, educating yourself and the most important part BEING COMFORTABLE BEING BY YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! I bet if this way of thinking was instilled on young girls things would be so much different. You have to love yourself and you need to learn how to be comfortable with yourself, it’s the best gift you can ever give.

Lost and Robotic

Smashing bottles is all I can think about. I’m in a field and I’m stand at home plate, this guy throws me a 40oz empty bottle and I hit it with my aluminum bat, glass flying everywhere the frustration that has been built up inside of me has been released and it feels so good. This thought of action that I would like to partake in has worried me a bit but if I was punching my little fist into walls then for sure I would be worried (and in a lot of pain). I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week on why I have been so angry, and I finally boiled it down to that change has happened and an opportunity that I want to provide for myself to make a life of my own is not going to happen as soon as I was hoping for.

Change can be good, change can also suck. In my case, it sucks and it will always suck unless this situation goes back to normal……….fat chance. Then this making a life for myself, I guess that will just have to be put on hold and continue to put everyone else first. It’s so tempting to tell everyone to go fuck themselves. I have also been thinking of taking a week or 2 off from everyone, not hanging out with my friends, ect., enjoying some serious me time. I kind of feel lost and robotic and would like the feeling of “life is awesome” to come back, because I know this mind state that I’m in is not healthy. I can’t even nap!! And for those who know me, napping is very important to me.