What was small is now big

I wish I could say that my cyst(s) were small, but infact they are large! I had some ultra and vaginal ultra sounds done and the images that came back showed that they are large cysts. I have been feeling an aching feeling on my left side, thats where the cysts are. Being that Im not in pain, tynoal will have to do, doctors orders! I am however schedulded for an MRI. The pelvic MRI takes the longest, an hour/hour and a half. Im scared, If the cysts end up being too big I will have to have surgery to have them removed, if they are not too big and BC can shrink them down then on BC I will go. I dont want to have surgery and I dont want to go on birth control! I dont want any of this to happen.

down under, inside parts

In my late teens I remember my mother talking about cysts on her ovaries and doctors telling her that it could be very difficult to get pregnant, this was back in the 80's and now doctors know that cysts move and sometimes they also disappear.I remember my cousin talking about the same thing while she was in the process trying to have a baby. I thought to myself I will do everything in my power to not let this happen , so I thought if I eat right and didn't put harmful things in my body that I would never get a cyst, WRONG!!! Thats not how that works, I have one, its small, very small, but I have one and it could grow, it could stay as is, it could explode, it could also disappear! Im scared, I'm really scared. To top it off my amazing boyfriend has something going on with his prostate, doctors dont know 100% yet whats going on, he is in a lot of pain and he has taken so much time off of work already that he is worried about loosing his job. My boss has not been so understanding, and you think she would be because she's a lady, she could care less. The amount of zero fucks given that people give each other when they really need some TLC is so sad. It's so hard I feel to be just nice to each other.

TBC.....

that feeling in your stomach

Life has been busy and hard...and fun. I lost my job after a year and a few months, I am not sad about loosing my job, however I am sad about all the fun people I got to work with; some I will see and others I know I wont. But good news, I just got a new job and I can't wait till I start! I have been having a hard time dealing with the breakup in a way. My ex and I do not get along, I mean, did we ever? I had to ask him 2 times to please move on with his life, the first time he said "as long as Winston is alive I'll be around" and when I asked him the second time he said the same thing and also feels we have joint cusdity of the dog, as if its a child and we got divorced. I know after we spoke he went to my neighbors house, he has always been closer to them then I have been. I wonder if they said some things to him. Because after that I have not heard anything from him. I am truly sad how all of this has gone down, I took something away from someone, its an awful feeling, but we don't get along and he makes me so unhappy. Anytime we talk I just want to yell at him and slap him in the face! Who am I? I don't do such things to people! Im wondering if Karma is getting me back....I have a cold and its the day before my birthday, not sure if Ive ever had a cold on my birthday....well I will now!

My new relationship is so nice, I can't believe that you can be in a relationship and the two of you get along, there is no yelling, you talk nice to each other and you communicate like normal people! All of something that never happened with my ex and I. I don't reget the relationship, I do however think we should have ended sooner then we did. I really do feel bad that we have hurt each other in some way, I dont want to hurt people and I know he is hurting. But he hurt me too, so how should this go about? We are better people with out each other in our lives.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure, what? It's over? I'm an adult? Oh, you like me?

My Guy and I are no longer My Guy and I, it ended a few months ago. It was so hard for me to transition into relying on someone for everything to now relying on myself for everything. He still helps with stuff when I ask but for the most part its just me now, and its hard and scary. We are on good terms, we don't talk every day, sometimes weeks will go by we don't talk with each other. Some moments I wish he would just go far away and I'd never see him ever again, and then other moments I'm glad to have him around. I got to keep the dog, I have moments that I feel like the worst person in the world for getting to keep him, but I think if it wasn't for this dog, I know myself, I would never leave the house if I don't have to; this dog keeps my mind pure, he helps me from not thinking dark thoughts.

As months passed by I met a guy, I met him through my brother. I wasn't looking to get back in a relationship but I wasn't going to turn down someone who was interested in me. I just knew I wanted to do things my way, take things slow. This new guy is everything that I think some people would think I would never be interested in, he looks like he could be part of the Son's or Anarchy gang, he has tattoos and wears punk rock t-shirts. But once he opens his mouth, its as if he belongs on Mr. Rodgers, he is so kind and sensitive. I feel no stress when I am with or away from this guy, I didn't know this feeling was possible! I felt stressed out all the time when I was with My Guy, I thought at the time thats how relationships are, this was normal. I've learned now that was wrong, you can be with someone and it can be stress free. I'm trying to take this time getting to know....lets call him Jax (Jackson Teller). So far what I'm learning, I like, and we will see where this goes.

I want peace in my life form now on, I want quiet, if it doesn't make me happy then I dont want to do it unless its an absolute must. My Guy is not a bad person, but I do feel as time went on we grew apart, our views on life are different. I also think he really wants to be a Dad someday and the more I think about it the more I am not interested in having children; the thought of having a child doesn't excite me. He took wonderful care of me and helped me though so much and was there for me in ways my own family were not. But he also said and did some things to me that hurt, hurt so much that I felt I should no longer be living.

When your in your 20's I feel your parents are still in your life but a little less then when you are in your teens, when your in your 30's....are your parents or should your parents be very little in your life? I'm 31 and I have moments that I feel I need to call up my parents and ask them "is it okay if I go on a trip with some friends?" WTF IS THE MATTER WITH ME???? I am a privet person and the truth is I want people in my life to know as little as possible (yes I have a blog and I'm telling you about my life, bla bla. I feel there are too many people in life that know too much who I wish knew nothing. I didn't want to tell My Guy about Jax, but I had to ONLY because sometimes My Guy comes to the house to pick up the dog and there could be times where Jax might be in the house at the same time, ugh! I havent told my parents about Jax, and not because I am embarrassed that I'm seeing someone with tattoos, my brother has tattoos, I think its because I am an adult and why do I need to tell my parents every time I'm seeing someone? Also, I'm not sure how serious this is going to get, though I think if it was up to Jax he'd put a ring on it yesterday, the guy is smitten over me!

So much has changed in the last months, 2015 I see is big change for people, some good some bad. I'll have to be looking for a job again, who knows maybe I'll be moving, I'm getting bunt out over San Francisco, this city to me doesnt feel like home and the people in this city now annoy me.

Do what feels right to you, do what makes you happy!