Yesterday I reached out to a suicide hotline, but to be with "the times" they have a chat line, so less pressure I guess. Some drama went down yesterday morning that I know was all my fault and I feel really really awful for! I was thinking not okay things, it felt like black ink, black poison was taking over my body, and soon my eyes would turn black and I would talk like a demon! These wonderful women named Sarah helped me out and made me realize that a third party in my life is needed. Being that I am unable to receive the kind of advocate from a friend that I would really like the next best thing is a therapist. I really liked my therapist the I was seeing a few years ago but I felt sometimes she would say in words.."hang in there" I need more than that, even some tough love is okay with me! This wonderful women suggested me to a place and I am very interested in.
This is not going to be my quick fix, it will be a journey that I have gone down before but this time a little different but I'm looking forward to the outcome. I'll make sure to pack lots of food and water, for this journey might be a long one!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Finding the light
Have you seen the TV show Dexter? I just finished season 1 and now I am on season 2, I'm hooked, this guy is great, in a way I can relate to him, in a non killing bad people way. I mean in his head, he is always talking to himself in his head, I do it ALL THE TIME, I am also not excited about things that most "normal" are about. I'm not trying to relate myself or say "I'm a Dexter" it's just nice to know that fiction or non-fiction their is someone like that out there.
I have had 2 rejection emails sent to me this week, "thank you for applying, but the postion has been filled" or "your limited qualifications dont meet what we are looking for, but good luck on your job search" Ouch! Yeah, I cried, told myself no one will ever hire me! I'm 2fucking9 and I still live with my parents, and to make things even better; my boyfriend had a dream that my Mom told him he should break up with me. It might be just a dream, but it made me feel sick inside!
I was thinking yesterday as my mind was wondering in dark places, if I was single, what would I be doing, my life would still be the same, just single.I would be fucking. I would be fucking random guys to numb the sadness in my life, these men would be the only excitement in my life! Just like how my dog and my boyfriend are to me...and its better, healthy, safer. To loose that would lead me to a dark road with lots of condoms and a what if...pregnant, STD, shit I dont need to deal with at my age.
This stuff is hard, this adult shit is hard, I am not handling it well...maybe I am, I'm sure my boyfriend would say "your doing your best". All my life I had someone hold my hand and guide me this way and help me out that way and now I'm old, thats how I feel, not cute anymore, so who wants to help the old lady? And then I also just feel like this looser, some floater in life. I have been thinking as a last resort if I dont end up with a gig, I'll just get pregnant and be a "Mom" so then no one can ask me "how's the job hunting going" no one would ask me that they will ask "how is it being a Mom, isn't it wonderful" "how does your child sleep at night" boring stuff like that. Because I'm a Mom!
I am also trying to compare is this moment in my life really sucky or was it when I was so depressed that I was seeing a therapist? I think they are 50-50. There will be a time, the light will shine, but it just doesn't feel like its going to EVER happen!
I have had 2 rejection emails sent to me this week, "thank you for applying, but the postion has been filled" or "your limited qualifications dont meet what we are looking for, but good luck on your job search" Ouch! Yeah, I cried, told myself no one will ever hire me! I'm 2fucking9 and I still live with my parents, and to make things even better; my boyfriend had a dream that my Mom told him he should break up with me. It might be just a dream, but it made me feel sick inside!
I was thinking yesterday as my mind was wondering in dark places, if I was single, what would I be doing, my life would still be the same, just single.I would be fucking. I would be fucking random guys to numb the sadness in my life, these men would be the only excitement in my life! Just like how my dog and my boyfriend are to me...and its better, healthy, safer. To loose that would lead me to a dark road with lots of condoms and a what if...pregnant, STD, shit I dont need to deal with at my age.
This stuff is hard, this adult shit is hard, I am not handling it well...maybe I am, I'm sure my boyfriend would say "your doing your best". All my life I had someone hold my hand and guide me this way and help me out that way and now I'm old, thats how I feel, not cute anymore, so who wants to help the old lady? And then I also just feel like this looser, some floater in life. I have been thinking as a last resort if I dont end up with a gig, I'll just get pregnant and be a "Mom" so then no one can ask me "how's the job hunting going" no one would ask me that they will ask "how is it being a Mom, isn't it wonderful" "how does your child sleep at night" boring stuff like that. Because I'm a Mom!
I am also trying to compare is this moment in my life really sucky or was it when I was so depressed that I was seeing a therapist? I think they are 50-50. There will be a time, the light will shine, but it just doesn't feel like its going to EVER happen!
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