Where's the Pep?

Last week when I was walking to Muni I noticed that I wasn't walking the way I usually walk, it was more slow and I'm sure from a far a little depressing looking. My walk in general is kind of fast and has a strut to it, as vain as this is I love to imagine that the sidewalks are my runways and I'm wearing the most fashion forward outfit anyone has ever seen, it also helps to have an awesome playlist on your iPod to help that imagination feel more real (I'm crazy, I know). In the last few months things have changed, my social life is not what it used to be, my hopes and plans for this summer have once again fallen to disappointment (I take most of the blame) and my "love life" or maybe I should call it my "boy life" has been disappointing as well.

Yesterday my friend and I finally got to check out Rainbow Grocery but as I was getting ready to leave for her house I had no desire to dress cute, yes I know I was just going to a grocery store, but this store is oozing with cute boys, so dressing cute gives you more chances of a "I'm checking you out", to top if off I had a pimple on the side of my chin that was/is the size of Texas! I feel so sulky, and used, I have had no desire lately to dress cute and this worries me, the only motivation I had was for 4th of July when my family and I went to a BBQ hosted by some friends of the family. I had this dress that I have been dying to show off and I was really excited that the weather was nice enough for me to wear it..........of cores everyone loved it!! But that's been it, other than that, I have no pep. So when I got to my friends house I told her what was going on and she said sometimes she feels this way and its just a little phase, I really hope so, but deep down inside I don't think so. She gave me a card with a cute picture on the front and a gift card to go along with it, her and her husband wanted to thank me for taking care of their cat, it was totally unexpected but made me feel really special and appreciated!!

Going back to things have been different, I don't mind change but I'm sure like most people certain changes can sometimes bring you down because you know they will NEVER go back to what it used to be and you have to alter yourself from it and move on. That's hard for me to do, I'm sure its a bad thing, but when I get comfortable with something I get REALLY REALLY comfortable and I don't think about the what if's so when something comes along and changes it up it really throws me off! I don't know how to deal, well I should say I deal maybe in a really isolated way, because that's what I do.

What I think I need to do is foucus on what's coming up for me. Today I'm meeting my math tutor for the first time and tomorrow my sewing teacher is coming over, I will be sewing my last project being that I know I cant sew and learn math at the same time. And then on Sunday I leave for Hawaii for a week, my aunt has told me that their is this girl who helps out on my aunt's property who is a yoga guru and if this girl is cool maybe I'll ask her to help me be a yoga/hippie/I have reached Nirvana/bla bla bla. I think that will be good for me, its a peaceful setting, and a perfect area to it!

Maybe when I get back my pep will come back as well?!

Gum on your shoe!

Its funny right when I delete the guy from my phone that I will be no longer seeing anymore he contacts me like the next day or with in that week! And that would be Surfer Guy, the last update was I fixed him lunch we had a little tiff as I was leaving his pace he said we would try it again tomorrow, I didnt hear from him the next day so I just assumed he was being nice but really "we" were done........WRONG! I think it was a few day's had passed and I get this text from him it said "Hello. How are you?" I freaked out a little, I quickly texted my friend saying Surfer Guy just texted me, she replied "DONT TEXT HIM BACK" than added "wait, tell him to dont contact you he's a jerk face". I went back and forth on to text or not to text but I thought, okay so if I text him and we do try this agian one more time and it works that would be awesome and if doesnt than for sure we were a bad match from the start. I text him back and threw that week we texted and than that Saturday we talked on the phone, I told him I need people to be understading with me because sometimes it takes me a while to form the right words other wise if you rush me a bunch of jumble will come out. He said he needs to work on being chill and more understanding with people in general anyways so he was fine with this, we decided to see each other the next evening. I go over and we make out and watch a short film and than I go home, from than on things where going good, but he wasnt giving me the attention that I was getting the first week we met and I found this to be a little odd, so half of me was sitting back and watching how all this was paying out. Every time we did hang out it was in his bed room and I didnt like this, I felt this was turning into a fuck buddy thing and so I needed to put a stop to this! Last weekend he texted me asking what I was doing for Sat night, I told him nothing and so than he said did I want to come over I said fine, the more we talked I noticed he was acting a little odd so I asked are you drunk he said yes...........red flag? When I arrived he gave me this big hug and said "life is hard, its really really hard" (you dont need to tell me this!!) than he says he's happy I'm hear and we go to his room, he wants to hug more and then we start to make out and stop from time to time and talk, at one point he says he wants me to be his girl friend, NOW I KNOW HE'S DRUNK!!! I laugh and say's okay and than we both fall a sleep. When I left the next morning I thought about what he said, Why did say that, what made him say that?

That Sunday night I developed a fever and chill and soon became as a REALLY REALLY BAD stomach flu, I texted Surfer Guy that night to call me when he got off work. When he called I told him I'm sick......he didn't seem to worried or cared that much, I asked him about work and then I brought up the other night of some of the things he said and I added I know you were drunk and maybe you didn't mean them but they got me thinking. I asked him if we are ever going to do things outside of the bed room or if he likes the way things are, he got really upset about this and as he was talking in my mind I was thinking this is it! This guy has got some problems and I don't want to see him anymore! After when we were done talking he said he would call me tomorrow and I hoped he wouldn't! He didn't..........until Fri morning I get a text saying "Hi?" I thought I got ride of this guy, but I guessed wrong so I texted him back saying "I dont want to talk or hang out with you anymore" he reply's back...
Surfer Guy:"Hello? What happened? Did you meet someone else?"
Me: "No i didnt meet someone else"
Surfer Guy:"Then whats up? Why are you bailing?
Me:"I dont think your really into me the way I have been towards you, also the times that I have upset/annoyed you have kind of scared me and I dont like it."
Surfer Guy:"I'm sorry."

I'm sorry? That was it, I got my answer, he was never really that into me, he never called me the rest of the week to see how I was feeling, overall he never really made it important to get to know me, when I went out of my way to try to get to know him!

Today was Gay Pride and my friends and I went out to celebrate and be supportive also to enjoy the lovely weather, as I was talking with one of the people in our group I get a text from Surfer Guy :"I feel really bad about the way we ended things. I wish we could of hung out more. Thing's have been stressful with my Dad moving far away last Thursday." WTF!!!! My friend was right this guy is weird!! I didnt reply back I TRULY TRULY HOPE this is the last i hear from him because this guy is so mixed up that I dont need it!!

When you get gum on your shoe its really hard to get it off, but once its off its off for good!!

June Favorites

I only have one at the moment....

I found this watch at the GoodWill for $10, I just had to have it because it reminds me of something Kate Lanphear would wear. I have been looking for some studded thin bracelets to wrap around the watch but it hasn't been very easy...
http://littlepaperplanes.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/la-lanphear.jpg

Summer Hate's Me!

I just got back from school to see if the teacher would add me in his class and it didn't happen! I found his office and he said he was over 20 people, I wanted to cry right there in his office but I had to play it cool, so I balled in the car!! NOTHING has gone right so far this summer......its hard enough when both of your female friends have boy friends and you're the lone ranger, it also sucks to think that your last summer wasn't that great and now this summer is the same way! WHY, SUMMER DO YOU HATE ME????? I just want one thing that I really want to go my way, just one so I can at least be happy about something!!! I feel like the biggest looser right now, I hate fucking up, I HATE IT!!! In life I'm always 5 steps behind everyone else, CAN SOMEONE THROW ME A BONE ONCE IN A WHILE???!!!! At this point, I feel so far in a funk that I don't know if anything could put a smile on my face, or get me excited about anything.

Thanks Summer................FUCK YOU!!!!!

I'm a dumbass!

Yesterday my cousin called to see if I was busy and I told her the only place I had to be somewhere was at 3pm (she called around 11ish). She wanted some company while driving around the city......I was in a sad mood anyways, being that I went to the doctor that morning for a prescription for a yeast infection and to top it off I got my period that morning as well, LIFE RULES!!!! I thought why not hang out with her and her daughter, some laughs will be had and I know it will cheer me up....it did. To get to her house you have to pass the college I go to, and as I was passing it I noticed a lot of people around the campus. This interested me because I signed up for summer school and on the catalog it said class starts June 1, when I arrived that day NO ONE WAS ON CAMPUS (okay well like a few people) anyways I go to the class and no one showed up, I was like "what the hell", I thought maybe there was a mix up so I decided to show up the next day, still no one showed; so I figured the class got canceled, boy was I SO WRONG!!!!! Today when I was cleaning my room something told me to look at the summer catalog for school, like REALLY REALLY look at it this time, so I pick it up sit down and look at the cover, it said June 1st (the day I thought my class started) was non-credit classes started (I should have NOT showed up that day) and than June 15th credit classes started, today is June 17th!!!! I have missed 2 days (3?), I didn't pay attention to the June 15th part...although it is kind of at the bottom of the catalog and its not as noticeable as the June 1st post, also I think there is WAY too much other stuff written on front of the catalog!!! I'm blaming most of this on myself and a little part of it at school!!!

To avoid wondering "what if" I'm going to go to class tomorrow and see what happens, I know I should have the "I don't give a fuck" attitude but deep down inside I'm going to feel stupid and embarrassed, so to help my confidence I'll make sure I'm dressed really cute!!! After all it's a class about sports.......it might as well be about politics, yuck!!!!

WISH ME LUCK!!! I'll keep you posted!!!

Rub me the wrong way.

Why do some people rub us the wrong way? Most of the time I find this sad because there is nothing wrong with that person, they are very nice.....funny,"normal" bla bla bla, but for some odd reason they just rub me the wrong way. I try my hardiest to like them, but at the end of the day it just wasn't meant to be for me to get along with this person. This might sound mean, but at the same time its not important to me for me to get along with everyone, or be friends with everyone, I'm content with the people that I have in my life and I dont feel the need to go searching for new friends, unless I happen to be at some social gathering and hit if off with someone and its important to exchange numbers to have coffee (tea) with in that week.

I'm thinking what type of person rubs me the wrong way? From what I can come up with as of now would be, aloof? Not that I'm the most "on it" person, but some people are more aloof than others. Like this one guy I dated last summer, over all he is a nice guy but he says and does things that just rub me the wrong way and to keep me from loosing it, its better for me to not really go to places that I know he will be at, but if he just so happens to be someplace that I will be at as well, we say our "hellos" and keep a distance. People who are positive ALL THE TIME, rub me the wrong way!!! I'm sorry but I don't think that's normal, it freaks me out........life really sucks sometimes!!!!!

There is this poem my neighbor told me a long time ago, she asked me if I knew what day of the week I was born on, I told her I think it was a Wednesday and she said that's too bad, Wednesday is no good, then she said the poem:
Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

So I'm full of woe? Well I would have to say this isn't too far off, BUT I would NEVER tell a child the day of the week you where born on was no good!!! Ever more reasons why I hate this women!!! I guess yes I like a little "woe" in my life, when things are "perfect" for a long time it kind of freaks me out, to me that's not normal, I need to live in the "real" not in a bubble, even though I do like to have my head stuck up in the clouds as much as possible.....day dreaming is the best!!! Does this make me a hypocrite?

Look, we cant all get along with everyone, and some people just rub us the wrong way in life, end of story! And as for me day of the week I was born on.....I'm not sure how it ties into this post but I felt like sharing it!

Can't get it right

I seem to have messed things up with Surfer Guy, the questions going back and forth are: was this going to happen anyways? was is really all my fault? is he a jerk for not trying to understand me? am I not ready for a relationship? do I pick the wrong guys?

I'm so sad, I really liked him, the sex was like no other (i really do mean it, it was mind blowing) he was really hot, we had all this music and movies stuff incomin, but he kind of raised his voice to me today and, being that we have only known each other for a week and a day, that's not a good sign. When your starting to date someone it should be all hearts and flowers. But like I said I think I messed it up, it was all hearts and flowers until Sunday, when I opened my mouth and things just kind of came out without thinking, I freaked out, I needed answers, I didnt want to get caught up in a fuck buddy deal again and I needed to make sure that this is not it. My guy friend said, I'll move on in a week, there will be some other guy..........hugh, I wanted this guy!!! Everyone says I wont find a man because I'm looking, I DONT CARE IF THEY ARE RIGHT!!!!!! I'll be 26 in August, and that might be young to some......not that I think its an old age its just, its in your late 20's now and I feel I should be in a relationship, among other things. It would really help if I got a nice slap over the head right now of some tough love!! I want to know, am I ready?

Show me love!

I think I have said that this city is small and officially last month it was confirmed! I went out on a date with this guy who's roommate just so happened to have gone on a few dates with my very good friend! I had no idea until my friend asked me where this guy lived and I told her and she said that this guy she just stopped talking with lived over that way and thought it would be funny if this guy's roommate was the guy she went out with a few times........well (lets call the guy I went out with Mr. Clean and his roommate SP). So Mr. Cleans roommate was the guy and when I found this out from a few texts exchanged back and forth that night of the date to my friend I wondered if Mr. Clean knew who I was? You see my friend showed SP one of her networking web sites and there are some pictures of me on there and I wonder at the end off all of this did I get set up? See I really like Mr. Clean, I was "love sick" for like a week and a few days, I couldn't sleep, or eat or even think straight, the night that we went out I ended up spending the night and we decided to not have sex......I thought I scored a gentlemen!Turned out not....he didn't call me the next day or even the fallowing weekend, but when the weekend came I realized that even if Mr. Clean did call and wanted to hang out that would make me look like a door mat, AND I AM NO BODIES DOOR MAT!!!

A week passed by and I felt I should try this online dating thing one more time (that's where I met Mr. Clean) and if nothing worked out I promised myself this would be it!!!! So I signed up and I gave myself 2 days, well on the 2nd day this guy sent me an email and from the pictures he seemed okay and the things he liked to do for fun seemed fine too, i sent him my email addy and told him he should email me being that I was going to cancel my account it needed to be done, 40 somethings where hitting me...GROSS) . I didn't here back from him for a few days, but I forgot about this guy like the moment I told him to email me........after the few days I get an email from him.....Surfer Guy. We exchanged emails back and forth, back and forth and finally we ended up talking on the phone......for like almost 2 hours!! We got together on Sunday night, the date went really well!! We eat at a sushi restaurant, the conversation was flowing, lots of laughs and smiles, then after dinner we decided to take a walk, but as I was driving back over to his place I had to go pee really bad so he said I could use his bathroom at his place; i thought that was harmless, NOT!!! Surfer Guy set me up!!! When I came out of the bathroom he said to come to his room for a second and he puts in this DVD and then I find I'm sitting on his bed and then after a few minutes I feel a hand brush up against mine and then THE KISS!! WHOA, I SO DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!!! I mean I knew he liked me, because there where a few complements given at dinner but I guess I just thought we/him was going to play it slow.......I guess not because we ended up having sex!!! It was cute though, before we did it I told him that I don't want to send the wrong message and he said "at the restaurant when you dropped your sushi and told me you saw nothing and I said I don't know what your talking about and then laughed I knew I wanted to see you again" then he added "I want to see you again either way if we do or we don't have sex tonight, I like you"!!!

When I told my friend she got worried about me that I might end up with a fuck buddy again but I don't think I will because fuck buddies don't want to have a laundry party.........he had tons of loads of laundry and asked if I would help him out, also I spent the night last night and at one point in the night he turned to me and said "I have I told you yet that I think your adorable?" FUCK BIDDIES DON'T SAY THAT............RIGHT?????

Over the weekend my friends and I went this kind of lame dance club and they played this song and then today when I was doing some arrens it played again and I think the lyrics define my love life! I really like Surfer Guy and I really hope he sticks around!!!!!

Friendemies

We all have them, that girl we used to be friends with and then pulled a fast one on you and you said "good bye" and just knowing if you saw her face walking down the street your heart would pound a mile a minute and the two things that would cross your mind would be 1. run and 2. I want to punch you in the face!

Last night I attended an unsuccessful drag show, the place was SO packed that my friend and I didn't get to see the show (it was fine with me I had a major headache and was stoned off my ass) as we were people watching my friend bumped into this guy from her home town, they chatted it up and when he left she tells me that he was the last person she EVER thought she would ever run into; I ask, is this a good thing or bad thing? She told me a while back she got sexually assaulted at a house party and the girls house who's party it was at, she was friends with this girl(this girl is the guy who she ran into her bother), and at some point during the party my friend was VERY drunk and she went to the bathroom with some guy, the guy aggressively manhandled her and bruises and blood was involved! When the guy saw the blood she ran and my friend was left drunk and unaware what the hell just happened. The girl who was throwing the party said it was all of my friends fault and later that week started to tell people she was a slut!! Even her very very close friends where questioning her and saying she was drunk and this is what happens when you get drunk!!! I DON'T THINK SO!!!! Its called having TRUE friends around you, who A. would NEVER let that happen to you or B. If it did, would NEVER question her sexual motives, all they should be thinking about is how they can catch the fucker and beat the crap out of him!!! So then she tells me how much she hates this girl and how she cant believe she's living in SF and she hopes to never run into her because she has been trying to move on from the past for so long.

I have never thought it was a good idea to forget the past, the past is what makes you who you are, if anything expect what has happened learn from it and move on, not forget it, just move on! But if this is the way my friend needs to do so be it.

As far as I know my friendemie still lives a block and half away from my house and I have seen her on the bus a few times. I freak out and put my head down or look the other way, I hate this girl SO much, she was I think the worst friends I have ever had! She used me, she put drama in my life and would make fun of me all the time!! I learned alot from her, how to be a GOOD friend, but I also sometimes wish I NEVER met her, and if I ever got a chance to exchange some words with her.........lets just say some words might not be the only thing being exchanged!!

I find it funny though, the hate someone can make you have over them, what drives you to it? Like I know why I hate this girl and my friend knows why she hates that girl but WHY?? Maybe for her, she knew she wasn't a slut and was so hurt that this lie was passed around with her peers? For me, maybe its because I know how nice of a friend I am and this girl used me like a door mat.....I don't know. I do know this, I only want one friendemies, because any more than that, I really might need to move!!

May Favorites!

Everyone please meet Kate Lanphear!







Kate is the style editor for US Elle magazine,she wears my favorite colors;black, gray and white. Her style is goth/rocker sheik and I cant get enough of her or her style, the Olsen twins might have to take second seat, I think Kate has moved to front row of who's closet I would love to raid! She keeps is simple in a way, but eye catching and that's something that I always try to fallow when I dress, plus how wrong can you go with black?