Let me be me

There is this quote that Audrey Hepburn said, now I'm not sure if she really said it but being a big fan of hers I like to hope she did. Audrey said "I don't want to be alone I just want to be left alone". I have a feeling I have talked about this quote before but whatever. I saw the therapist the other day and we talked about the issues I have with other women, how I don't seem to understand "the way of women", more so the cattiness. In my head what I imagine is a sisterhood, but I guess that's just wishful thinking!I also talked about the close people in my life and some of the things they say how I can feel picked on, but am I really being picked on or am I making a big deal? My therapist said it sounded to her that you just want to be you, and that was so refreshing to hear, you have no idea!!! YES, I JUST WANT TO BE ME!!!!
ME, the young women who does odd things who thinks odd/not like other people, who might cut an onion not the "right way" who loves fashion and interior design and reading silly books and who likes mayo on almost everything and the young women who could watch T.V for hours, who likes to talk about shit and farting and who wishes her dog could talk and wishes also she was a mermaid and would like science to really make a unicorn REAL, I also like things to look perfect and clean, I can be overly motherly and I like it, the young lady who could spend a day/hours in the bathroom!!

That's me, but I don't feel I get to be all of that, like sometimes I feel its all wrong, it's wrong when someone says something. But is it wrong, or the person who says it are they in the wrong because i am just being me? I was thinking if I was this artist (I do think I am an artist in a way but I'm not one that the public would say "yes you are") like a painter or welder, fashion maker, whatever maybe people would be like "well she is an artist, you have to let them do there thing". My Guy his brother is an artist,he gets paid to do this thing and My Guy's brother does sometimes some odd stuff and I have herd My Guy say "you know my brother, he's an artist" so there for he gets to be who he is? If only I was raised by hippie parents or parents who really pushed me to let me be me. Am I finely finding myself, at 29 years old? Would it be selfish of me to do what I want and what I feel, what I am inspired by, me being me?

I'm like holding all this color and it wants to burst out, and I'm only letting it drip drop to be safe.

It's just so much....

I can already predict that some big changes will be happening, because it is going to happen! 2013 is going to be interesting, hard, sad, and unsure and I hope some happy fits in.

I have decided to go back to school being that the lack of job experience I have I think has been holding me back from landing a job; also this economy sucks too!
I finished college in 2010 with an Associates Degree and now I will be going back to school to achieve a Medical Receptionist Certificate. With a late thought about all of this and registration I was able to score 2 classes for Spring!

I have also started to see a therapist again, I'm only 3 sessions in and so far it's been okay. I'm seeing a new therapist and she is nice but a little awkward, I'm glad I seem to do well with awkward people! Today we talked about My Guy's friend and my friend who happen to both have colon cancer! My Guy's friend is a married man who is also a father of two little boy's, I'm not even sure if the oldest son is older that 5 years old. And my male friend is 30 years old! My Guy's friend sent out an email thanking everyone for their support and just being a friend and hoping everyone will stay in contact with his wife and children. His life is now just on a clock, and it's very very sad.
My Guy was very sad when he read this email to me last night and I was too, all I could think about where the children and wife, how unfair this all is. And then I started to think about my friend who is only 30 years old and how young he is and how unfair that is too!
I brought up to My Guy how we are both in the same boat, both friends have colon cancer. My Guy shut me down on this, he did not agree with me, his friend has a much worse situation than my friend! And then he talked about how awful it is I like to watch "The Housewives of..." how not in touch with reality those people are (duh, that's kind of the point of watching) and then what a pointless job my mother has for working for a church because it doesn't matter how much you pray!
I was so hurt and very angry that My Guy would not validate my feelings, he shut me down! And then also to make comments on my vice interests and also to say something about my mother's job!I understand he was angry, he knows all too well whats it like loosing a father at a young age but why did he need to say what he said?
My therapist gave me reinsurance that my feelings about my friend is just as important as My Guy's friend and that My Guy should have not shut me down the way he did. I feel like I never want to talk about my friend to My Guy ever again and I also hope that My Guy will never ask about my friend, like ever!

My therapist and I talked about this and then My Guy and I our relationship on a whole and I am missing feeling confident about my feelings from him, I wish we could share this sadness but we cant because my friend doesn't matter!She asked me what I would like out of my relationship and I said I want to feel confident in what I say and think from My Guy. I would also like if he never brought up NEVER AGAIN what my parents do for a living/work!Just don't shut me down, don't call me names and please don't talk about my family in a disrespectful way!

Speaking about family, my brother has decided to move back home and go back to school. And My Guy would like me to move in with him. I am not sure sometimes if I want to live with him, My Guy seems so angry and at times I'm not sure if he really likes me anymore. And I know if I stay with my parents home I will have to listen to my parents and brother fight.

It's all just so much to take in! Going back to school, seeing a therapist, brother moving back and "stuff" with my boyfriend.