I started my volentering job at the doctors office yesterday (Tue 7th) and it was not an easy first day....well it kind of was. My duties included putting back the charts of patients, collect the fax's that come in and give them to the doctors in the office open up mail and give them to the doctors, make labels for new charts, make new charts. Kind of a lot of nothing but it was a busy day and I was standing from 9-5 the only time I sat down was for lunch and that was for about 30min. The people in the office were nice to me, although this one women got a little annoyed with me towards the end of the day. My Guy was kind of in the area so he offered to pick me up, when I got in the car he asked me how my day was, i had told him a little bit about it when I talked with him on the phone before he picked up and already I was kind of not in a good mood. My brain felt numb and feet and back were killing me, all I wanted to do was go to bed; but I couldn't My Guy and I were going to see the U2 concert.
I think I did okay on my first day, even if I didn't they cant fire me, it's an unpaid job. I have no confidence in myself when it comes to working, NONE WHAT SO EVER!!! I was thinking today what job did I like the most, what job did I have that made me feel good? It was the job that I had in college, I worked on the campus, I loved that job and I loved my boss, I worked by myself and that got a little lonely sometimes but at the same time I knew I felt I stayed out of trouble and out of people's way. I wish I could have kept that job and the pay was better, I think it really was the best job for me, I felt good about myself and I had a boss that was encouraging and so nice.
A few people asked me the other day how old I was and I told them, some said "okay" and some said "oh wow" I don't know was the "oh wow" about that I'm closer to 30 then to 19 and I dont have enough experience and a job? I'm really scared about my future, it is so hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel of my life. I see myself having a job and then loosing it and this being an on going process. I don't see myself being good at things, I also dont know what the hell I want to do with my life or myself, I wish I could figure it out I wish I could be good at something that applied to the working world. I feel so misunderstood by people, family, friends and even by my boyfriend, I feel I am on this on going battle with myself and everyone else. I am a good person, a nice young women, funny, I like putting outfits together and designing a room, I like to clean, I like to be organized, I like to paint my nails, I like to help others; these things make me feel good.
I sometimes lay in bed at night thinking about having a family and the one thing that wins over all the nice feelings is if my child later in life ended up with a learning disability, it would be one of the most saddest day's in my life, just knowing that my child will have to suffer the way I have for so long to understand things, it will be a very dark day. I really dont know how I would deal, I think I would cry for day's. Writing about this is making me cry.
Life is a bull ride, to stay on that bull is so hard!
