I was thinking yesterday as I was whining to myself of how the fuck did I get a cold; that maybe I should change the tittle of this blog to "The girl who whines", being that most of my blogs are about how my life is so unfair. I know its not but for me personally it is. I saw the movie Precious on Sunday with some friends and it's a really sad movie, I knew it was going to be sad but I thought there was going to be a happy ending, not really. The movie is based on a novel, I don't know if the story is true, but for sure this lifestyle is true! Precious was never loved, her Mother and Father sexually,mentally and physically abused her, her father got her pregnant twice and she had both children all under the age of 17; she later finds out that she also got HIV from her father as well. There was a moment in the movie that she's crying to her teacher about how she's never had anyone love her, she's never had a boyfriend, nothing good has ever happened in her in life other than her children. I cried because this girl never stood in a chance in life, and its really scary and sad to think that their are people like this in real life, who just will never stand a chance. Sometimes I feel this way, as all of my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wife's and I have no one, and most of my weekends are spent at home in front of the T.V. with an Amy's pizza and a glass of wine with my Mother and I deciding witch house the couple should choose on House Hunters, I feel so pathetic. There was a time I had no friends, and now I have some, but in way I feel I don't, my social life has changed a lot over the last year, but I tell myself I have people who love me very much, and I know they do, but I want a different kind of love that they cant give me, but deep down inside I don't feel I should have it.
Lately I've been really depressed (I have talked about this) and I knew why, but I felt I wasn't getting to the root of why, until today. I miss my brother not being home, not that he ever was home a lot, its really hard for me to expect that he's living a life that I think about all the time, but at the same time am really scared about. As much as I want to get a real job and move out and have a life my family knows nothing about I wonder can I do it? I also get scared thinking if this does happen, will I finally be happy? I don't know if I've ever been 100% happy, I also think about will I finally be worthy enough to be with someone, because I don't feel I am now.
The worst person in my life is myself.
