Un-Smart.

I have written a blog about my dyslexia but I feel there are other things about myself I need to share. Most of the information and conversations I have threw out my day I don’t understand, I think I just live in life, it’s like I’m standing in the middle of a street and everyone and everything around me is passing by, going to this place, going to that place, meeting this person and so on. What do I understand? Very little, I don’t understand how music is put into a record, I have had many people explain it to me but I still don’t get it, now a CD I get but a record I don’t get. Maybe that’s not a very good example. This might be better………when I was a child my mother was going to take me out to buy some new shoes, she told me I was getting one pair of shoes, to me this meant I was only going to get one shoe! I remember crying and yelling at her “no two pair of shoes” and she saying back to me “I’m only buying one pair”, all I could think about was why would my mother let me walk around the city with one shoe on? She never caught on and I don’t remember if she took me out that day to get my shoes, but I remember making a big deal about thinking I was going to only get one shoe! I take care of a little boy and when he gets upset about something that I know he doesn’t understand it makes me sad because I truly deeply know how he feels; I’m an adult and I still don’t understand a lot that goes on around me. Sometimes I debate with myself how stupid and slow are different? Like I find most men to be stupid (sorry to any male readers) but the fact that I don’t understand most things around me does that make me stupid? What about slow? It takes me a while to understand most things that “normal” people understand quickly. My conversations I also feel are never exactly on topic, like I was talking with Messenger Boy the other night and even though we were high and drunk I was telling him a story and realizing as I’m telling him this story and it so does not match with the subject that he was just talking about and he had this look on his face like WTF. I know I do this, but do I do this a lot? It’s really hard to feel confident in yourself when you’re constantly battling with yourself to “be smart, look smart, act smart”. Another story I remember I was in my young teens and I was with my family having dinner over at my neighbors house, the other guests starting talking with me when dinner was finishing up and my mother and neighbor got up from the table and went into the kitchen to get the desert ready and I remember hearing her say to my mother “it’s a shame they don’t know….” I forget the rest but I knew what she was talking about. I know I was telling these people something that was “smart” I guess when really I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about, but they believed everything and they thought I was this really smart young girl. I don’t ever want people to feel sorry for me or treat me as I’m handicapped, or “special” but I do want people to respect me and be kind, I know that’s a lot to ask for.