Who made me this shit talker but really turns out to be nervous Nelly!! I don’t get it, I’m the biggest loser…….I feel like I am, I know I’m not but that’s how I feel!!
I went to the doctor last week and she like all the rest of them has asked if I have ever had any sexual abuse. Like a broken record, I say” no, I’m just a nervous person, I also have trust issues and from a child I have always been weird with people touching me.” On the drive home I started to have flash backs of when I was little, I remember someone putting me into a closet and holding the handle, I remember it being very dark and screaming to come out; I also remember being at my aunt and uncles house and hanging out in one of my cousins rooms and a friend of one of my cousins “play” strangling me on the bed, I think I was maybe 5, I remember he really scared me and there were wire hangers poking me from underneath. Could this be why who I am? There are many other scary stories, but could they all play a big role in the type of person of who I am today? I’m really worried about this, I have been having some anxiety lately over very silly things and originally I would only have anxiety attacks or panic attacks when I would see a women giving birth on T.V, now it’s over weird smells on Muni or not finding the car and thinking it got toad! What is wrong with me? I should stay in tuned with myself more and see if this is just a PMS thing because if it is then maybe it’s not a big deal, or is it? Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, why can’t we have all the answers about ourselves????? And my dreams these past 2 weeks have been bad too, birds wearing masks who talk to me, telling me I need to be careful, the other night it was about our new president and he was going to take this little girl away from me to lock her up and I stopped him and then somehow I get told my name was put on a list by the FBI and now they were looking for me to kill me! Going back to the doctor thing, she also brought up my future and asked if I ever thought of having children and I said “no, I don’t want to have children, I take care of kids, that’s enough for me”, she seemed to be fine with my answer but not at the same time, I told her it’s not important to me but if I change my mind I have always thought of adopting even when I was a little girl, she smiled and said “that’s a another option” .
Flashbacks of my scary moments of my childhood was not the only thing I thought about that day on the drive home from the doctors, I thought about marriage as well. I have only met 2 guys so far who are comfortable enough with themselves that not having their own offspring is fine with them, it’s not important. Only 2 though!! So are my chances of when the time comes when I’m going to want to truly be with a guy in a very serious relationship the odds of him being okay with not having kids or adopting is very slim? If so this scares me! I’m someone who likes to be alone, I go see movies by myself, I prefer to go shopping by myself and some weekends I just want to hang out with me, but a quote best said by one of my admirers best puts it, “I don’t want to be alone, I just want to be left alone”(Audrey Hepburn). It’s really hard to separate from what is wrong and what is right when it comes to how you feel about cretin things in life when the majority rules you out. So I ask again, what’s wrong with me?
