On Febuary 18th 2016 was the day of my surgery, my left ovary needed to be removed it could not be saved. Surgery I think is a very very scary thing. It also doesnt make things eaiser when your doctor or the nurses around you dont tell you everyhing...like what to expect after surgery!! After I woke up from surgery, I felt so sick and I was cold and I felt like I was having a really bad period cramp. Apperently I was moving around too much and talking too much , so the nurses drugged me up to shut me up...bitches! I remember waking up agian, 2 nurses were at the end of my feet and then one of them reached up my legs to take out gauz that was in my vagina....and taking that out was NOT FUN!!! I think I passed out again, then woke up with my loving parents sitting across from me. Before I went into surgery, my parents were crying so was I, I'm sure if must have been hard to see your daughter at 32 years old need such a surgery. So when i saw them sitting across form them it was so nice. I was in and out of it for the rest of that day and even into the next morning; the doctor and my parents felt I needed to stay the night at the hospital, it was a good idea. Morphine is a very powerful drug, I was lucky that I got a room to myself because I was talking to myself like a crazy lady!! When it was time to take my first pee the nurse was not that nice, she rushed me, so I told her to not! I also had gas stuck in my shoulder....yes gas!! The doctor used gas to expand my body for surgery....WTF!!!! So it took a second try to finally pee and when I did I was expecting blood, but no it was blue!! YES BLUE!!! That was from sloution they put in you as well from surgery....fuck all of this! The boyfriend came to viset, he was odd and nervous, that made me feel good (not). The next day when I got home I slept most of the day, my Mom took care of me and then the boyfriend. I felt so depressed it was aweful, I was crying non stop. I was spotting so much that at one point I couldnt take it anymore, if I saw any more blood come out of my vagina I was going to pass out!! So I had to ask my boyfriend to help clean me up and put a new pad on because I just couldnt do it, he did, that was very nice of him.

I hate that this happend to me, I already feel like a freak and now I feel even more so. What I experenced made me feel I really dont want kids. I don't wish this on any women.

I'm going to therapy, its a new therpist and she's fucking awesome!!

it must come out

I had an MRI last week, the experience was alright. The tight space didnt bother me at all the noise the machine is very loud and kind of reminds me of EMD music. The tech people give you 2 shots, the first one slows down the movement in your abdomen and the second one I dont remember what it was for, but the second shot I cried because they had to use a butterfly needle. This week (today) I went to my doctors for a fallow up and she told me that I have a cyst on my left side that is the size of a grapefruit, its 8 cysts in a cluster and they are called chocolate cysts. They are called that because the cysts are filled with dead blood! Yay me!! My doctor will try to remove the cysts with out removing my ovary but it might not be possible....good news folks I still have another overy, my right one! Can this just be a bad dream and I get to wake up now?

What was small is now big

I wish I could say that my cyst(s) were small, but infact they are large! I had some ultra and vaginal ultra sounds done and the images that came back showed that they are large cysts. I have been feeling an aching feeling on my left side, thats where the cysts are. Being that Im not in pain, tynoal will have to do, doctors orders! I am however schedulded for an MRI. The pelvic MRI takes the longest, an hour/hour and a half. Im scared, If the cysts end up being too big I will have to have surgery to have them removed, if they are not too big and BC can shrink them down then on BC I will go. I dont want to have surgery and I dont want to go on birth control! I dont want any of this to happen.

down under, inside parts

In my late teens I remember my mother talking about cysts on her ovaries and doctors telling her that it could be very difficult to get pregnant, this was back in the 80's and now doctors know that cysts move and sometimes they also disappear.I remember my cousin talking about the same thing while she was in the process trying to have a baby. I thought to myself I will do everything in my power to not let this happen , so I thought if I eat right and didn't put harmful things in my body that I would never get a cyst, WRONG!!! Thats not how that works, I have one, its small, very small, but I have one and it could grow, it could stay as is, it could explode, it could also disappear! Im scared, I'm really scared. To top it off my amazing boyfriend has something going on with his prostate, doctors dont know 100% yet whats going on, he is in a lot of pain and he has taken so much time off of work already that he is worried about loosing his job. My boss has not been so understanding, and you think she would be because she's a lady, she could care less. The amount of zero fucks given that people give each other when they really need some TLC is so sad. It's so hard I feel to be just nice to each other.

TBC.....

that feeling in your stomach

Life has been busy and hard...and fun. I lost my job after a year and a few months, I am not sad about loosing my job, however I am sad about all the fun people I got to work with; some I will see and others I know I wont. But good news, I just got a new job and I can't wait till I start! I have been having a hard time dealing with the breakup in a way. My ex and I do not get along, I mean, did we ever? I had to ask him 2 times to please move on with his life, the first time he said "as long as Winston is alive I'll be around" and when I asked him the second time he said the same thing and also feels we have joint cusdity of the dog, as if its a child and we got divorced. I know after we spoke he went to my neighbors house, he has always been closer to them then I have been. I wonder if they said some things to him. Because after that I have not heard anything from him. I am truly sad how all of this has gone down, I took something away from someone, its an awful feeling, but we don't get along and he makes me so unhappy. Anytime we talk I just want to yell at him and slap him in the face! Who am I? I don't do such things to people! Im wondering if Karma is getting me back....I have a cold and its the day before my birthday, not sure if Ive ever had a cold on my birthday....well I will now!

My new relationship is so nice, I can't believe that you can be in a relationship and the two of you get along, there is no yelling, you talk nice to each other and you communicate like normal people! All of something that never happened with my ex and I. I don't reget the relationship, I do however think we should have ended sooner then we did. I really do feel bad that we have hurt each other in some way, I dont want to hurt people and I know he is hurting. But he hurt me too, so how should this go about? We are better people with out each other in our lives.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure, what? It's over? I'm an adult? Oh, you like me?

My Guy and I are no longer My Guy and I, it ended a few months ago. It was so hard for me to transition into relying on someone for everything to now relying on myself for everything. He still helps with stuff when I ask but for the most part its just me now, and its hard and scary. We are on good terms, we don't talk every day, sometimes weeks will go by we don't talk with each other. Some moments I wish he would just go far away and I'd never see him ever again, and then other moments I'm glad to have him around. I got to keep the dog, I have moments that I feel like the worst person in the world for getting to keep him, but I think if it wasn't for this dog, I know myself, I would never leave the house if I don't have to; this dog keeps my mind pure, he helps me from not thinking dark thoughts.

As months passed by I met a guy, I met him through my brother. I wasn't looking to get back in a relationship but I wasn't going to turn down someone who was interested in me. I just knew I wanted to do things my way, take things slow. This new guy is everything that I think some people would think I would never be interested in, he looks like he could be part of the Son's or Anarchy gang, he has tattoos and wears punk rock t-shirts. But once he opens his mouth, its as if he belongs on Mr. Rodgers, he is so kind and sensitive. I feel no stress when I am with or away from this guy, I didn't know this feeling was possible! I felt stressed out all the time when I was with My Guy, I thought at the time thats how relationships are, this was normal. I've learned now that was wrong, you can be with someone and it can be stress free. I'm trying to take this time getting to know....lets call him Jax (Jackson Teller). So far what I'm learning, I like, and we will see where this goes.

I want peace in my life form now on, I want quiet, if it doesn't make me happy then I dont want to do it unless its an absolute must. My Guy is not a bad person, but I do feel as time went on we grew apart, our views on life are different. I also think he really wants to be a Dad someday and the more I think about it the more I am not interested in having children; the thought of having a child doesn't excite me. He took wonderful care of me and helped me though so much and was there for me in ways my own family were not. But he also said and did some things to me that hurt, hurt so much that I felt I should no longer be living.

When your in your 20's I feel your parents are still in your life but a little less then when you are in your teens, when your in your 30's....are your parents or should your parents be very little in your life? I'm 31 and I have moments that I feel I need to call up my parents and ask them "is it okay if I go on a trip with some friends?" WTF IS THE MATTER WITH ME???? I am a privet person and the truth is I want people in my life to know as little as possible (yes I have a blog and I'm telling you about my life, bla bla. I feel there are too many people in life that know too much who I wish knew nothing. I didn't want to tell My Guy about Jax, but I had to ONLY because sometimes My Guy comes to the house to pick up the dog and there could be times where Jax might be in the house at the same time, ugh! I havent told my parents about Jax, and not because I am embarrassed that I'm seeing someone with tattoos, my brother has tattoos, I think its because I am an adult and why do I need to tell my parents every time I'm seeing someone? Also, I'm not sure how serious this is going to get, though I think if it was up to Jax he'd put a ring on it yesterday, the guy is smitten over me!

So much has changed in the last months, 2015 I see is big change for people, some good some bad. I'll have to be looking for a job again, who knows maybe I'll be moving, I'm getting bunt out over San Francisco, this city to me doesnt feel like home and the people in this city now annoy me.

Do what feels right to you, do what makes you happy!

Losing you?

A lot has happened for me from my last post. I started a new job on May 7th, a real job, from 8:30am-5pm, 5 days a week, a steady paycheck job! When I had the interview I told the person that my boyfriend and I had bought tickets a year ago for Europe and I'd be gone most of June. She said that if I would to be hired that it shouldn't be a problem. I had a trial run and 2 days passed and I got an email saying that I was hired, I could not believe that a job wanted to hire me, a company actually wanted ME!!! I still pinch myself and I think I always will, I have wanted this opportunity for so long and now I have it and I just can't believe it!! I'm lucky, most of the people at my work are very nice and have also taken my dyslexia to count and have not made me feel like a freak. My job is not a cake walk, I'm on my feet eight hours a day and I get two 10 min breaks and a 30 min lunch break, but I'm happy to have a job. Thats what I tell people when they ask me "T, how is the job?" "I'm just happy to have a job" and its true.
So, June 3rd came and off I went on a 3 week vacation to Europe with My Guy. We were two weeks in Slovakia and one week in London and we took a day trip to Paris. It was I felt my second best trip My Guy and I have had, it was truly a nice trip!
You know when someone pulls the rug out from under you? Well thats how it felt when we got back to SF, it was as if My Guy and I were in a dream for three weeks and then reality hit when we got back, I'm in shock! But I'm wondering if I'm in denial, this was bound to happen? I said some things one night that looking back I regret and I really wish I never said, but during that day when I thought to myself "I'm going to ask My Guy" it sounded fine in my head. That seems to happen a lot to me, it sounds fine and right in my head and then when the words/ideas/suggestions come out its as if fire is coming out of my mouth and I burn every house down. My Guy told me this was it, he said he can't do this anymore, I don't listen, I bull shit too much and we don't communicat well. I can't disagree with him, he is right, when he said all these things to me it felt at that moment my body was made of sand and the sand now had decided to leak out of my hands. I am loosing everything. My Guy asked me what do I do for this house, for us and I didn't entirely understand, so the first thing that came to my mind was I help keep the house clean and I do the laundry he didn't like my answer. Now that I have had some more time to think about this, I thought, I arranged for us to be able to live together, I asked my Aunt if My Guy could live in her house while she is living in Hawaii; I then later moved in with him. I have not said this to My Guy afraid of what he might say. I'm not sure if he was referring to finances, because if so, for a long long time I was not making money and if I did it was barely enough. I know have a full time job and I would like to contribute to the household. He said I don't appreciate anything and again he could be right, I do take My Guy for granted sometimes, he has treated me like a princess from the moment we started to date, and i guess saything "thank you" gets old....then what else can I do to show my appreciation?
I feel a lot of the times there is something wrong with me, like I have missed social cues and I don't know how to properly interact with people. Most of life I find overwhelming and if I can get though one day not messing up anything it's a big deal for me. Losing My Guy will be very hard, I have depended on him for everything, for everything! I don't blame him that he is tired of all of this, I worried this was going to happen one day, I am incapable of being a 100% independent, I will always need someone to "look after me". It's very sad and embarrassing to admit this but its true.
What can I do now? I think at this point nothing, I don't see an opportunity to redeem myself. I asked My Guy last night just as we were falling asleep if he hated me, he said "No,T,I dont hate you", when he said that it made me feel a little bit better. If he had said yes I'm not sure what I would do. I don't want this man to ever hate me, or have any negative feelings towards me. My Guy was the greatest person ever, and I mean EVER to have come into my life and he will never leave my heart, he will be deeply embedded in my soul. He showed me so many things and has helped me so much. I know I can not be an easy person to work with sometimes or maybe most of the time and I at that moment I don't know it but when the moment has passed and I look back I ask myself why, why do I this, why do I act this way? Do I feel it's an act of control, because I have very little or am I a mean person and don't realize it?
Whatever My Guy wants, he can have, I won't fight him, he can have it all, because I will be losing the greatest and biggest person in my life, who maybe I never really deserved.

So much to say...

I have lots of stories to tell you and so I am going to title each in this post.


RIP Blake

It was a Wednesday night, and I was waiting for the L at Castro station to take me home after having a blissful evening with my little cousins,cousin and family friends. We all went to see sing-a-long Little Mermaid, I sang my heart out, I even wore a red wig. It had been a while that I had, had some fun like that, it was really nice. Anyways, waiting for the L, in all good spirits, my phone rings, it's a friend who never calls me; I declined the phone call, and would just listen to the voicemail if she was going to leave one. Voicemail was left and the message swept all of my happiness away! She said that Blake died and to call her. I hate to talk on Muni, really I hate anyone who talks on their cell phone on Muni so I would call her back once I got off Muni. I was a few blocks away from my stop and she texted me asking me to call her, once I got off I called her. She had been crying, and of corse she couldn't give me her full 100% attention. I asked what happened...she told me that Blake was visiting his family in TX and his stay was extended because he started to not feel well again, his hair was falling out. Blake needed to have surgery and it was going to be a fast and little surgery...from what I was told, he would spend one day overnight in the hospital and then I'm sure after that a few more days in TX and then back to SF. It didnt happen like that, Blake did have the surgery but he passed away in surgery, at 31 years old!

Let me give you to break down..(I'm sorry if my information is at any time wrong, I am on a he said she said source of info)
Blake was diagnosed with colon cancer in Aug of 2012, I found out in late October or November of 2012. When I found out I was upset that my friend didn't tell me sooner, I know Blake would have never said anything but I wish my friend had! Blake wore a colostomy bag for six months, he was in and out of chemotherapy and in late February, early March of 2013 Blake had his surgery to make him all better. The surgery was successful, everyone was happy for him, we threw a birthday party for him and I had seen him a few times after his birthday.At this time I had decided to go back to school, I had also scored a job, so all my energy was put into school and my job. I would think of Blake and I would text him asking how he was feeling and he would always reply back "great" little did I know he wasn't. One day Blake (in Nov or Dec 2013) texted me asking what I was up to, I told him I was busy with school and work...no response back (shocker), and that was the last I had heard from Blake.

After I was told that Blake died, it was first..."okay, he's dead, but I thought he was better, so how did this happen?" then I got angry, like really really angry, I couldn't figure out who I was angry at the most, my freind or Blake. Why did no one tell me Blake got sick again? That was another reason for my anger, I was also angry that he was a crappy friend but I was also sad that the guy I hung out with so much back in 2005 and always had such a good time with and was always laughing with was now gone, dead! As conceded as this will come off, the group of people I know and Blake knew, he knows all from me and it would have been nice to have been included more into his whole cancer journey! Blake and I had a falling out years back. I stepped away from him and other friends because I couldn't take the lack of friendship and the consent going out every weekend and staying out till 2-4am! Fuck, I needed and wanted to get my shit together, start taking on the roll of being an adult!
Blake was their for me when I needed him back in 2005...2007, after I broke up with his roommate, my boyfriend, I was a mess. Blake and I had a very platonic relationship it never went further than that. At that time I had no friends, I was grieving over my break-up, I was a mess. He was the only person I had in my life who I could turn to to do fun stuff with. We would go to the movies, art shows, music shows, house parties. It was a sad time but it was also a nice time in my life. I feel regret for not being their for him in his sad part of his life. But I also think he would have pushed me away, brushed it off like no big deal...he did in a way the times I saw him. So I have to remind myself to let go of some of these feelings because there is nothing I can could have done and there is nothing I can do!
I have not cried yet, I feel guilty, I think the anger I have held for so long wont let me. A friend of mine suggested to write a letter to him, and I'm going to do that. I hope it will help. I have a lot of blunt things to say!


I hit a road block

I signed up for the Medical Assisting program. A few people told me, this program would be hard some others asked "is this really what you want to do?". My guy didnt want me to go back to school because he knows how hard school is for me. Going into this game with people behind my back aganist it was hard. I felt I had something to prove. It was hard but doable, for my first semester. Second semester, I failed one class and third semester thats when I hit my road block! I was in an insurance class, and the kind of math we had to do was tedious and hard. I talked with my teacher and she was a total ass. I had been down this road before, seven years down this road, I was not going to do it again! I talked with my counsler and I decided to drop out of the Medical Assisting. As much as it's hard to admit school is not for me, it will never be! So now, what? I'm going to continue to work at the art studio and I might have some travel plans ahead, and then after that Id like to apply to some programs that help people with learning disabilities find jobs.


The privileged white girl, no more

If you have seen Orange is the new black then you know what I will be talking about when I say that I felt like Piper when I learned that I was not eligible for Covered California but Medi-Cal! I make so little that I was denied
CC and told I had to apply for Medi-Cal. I was like no no no, not me, thats not for someone like me. I'm a white girl, from a nice middle class family, who lives in a nice neighborhood, who also has no children and does not use food stamps! It's like when Piper went to jail she was constantly reminded that her white girl ways needed to be put behind her and start thinking REAL LIFE! I am embarrassed about this, My Guy and my parents only know. Should I be? I guess not, is it a big deal...I'm sure not but it is to me. So, my Dad helped me out and he even went with me to the office in SOMA district. I'll tell you this, it was a very very nice building and everyone was very nice. I was also not the only white person. After I was done...it only took about 45 min (we arrived when the doors opened)it felt so crazy to be handed something for FREE!!! Also, my health care is free, I will never have to pay a dime for anything, even my meds! But there is a down side, you cant go to just any doctors, there is a restricted list...a book rather of a list of doctors who take Medi-Cal. I miss my doctor and my OBGYN, the only upside is I'm not paying $360 each month that I never had!

ME

To the new year, with a little shorter hair, I'd like to get my ears pierced, second piercing, I'd like to change my look a bit and I'd really like to think about going for a dream of mine. This new year has started off rough but sometimes you have to walk into the storm to see the sun.

One day you wake up and your 30 years old

It's true, one day you wake up and you're 30 years old, it happened to me, I'm 30 now and its weird. Weird, like, when I look at myself in the mirrier I see 24 and I still find jokes about shit/poop funny. I know I'm not some old hag, but for sure the year of 29 my tolerance was becoming shorter and shorter. And, I have like no tolorencess, I don't have time for bull shit.

I'm back in school, and messerable, what a surprise! BUT, I seem to have scored a job working at an art studio with kids. It's not what I want to do , but I really really like the job, its fun and my boss is a long time friend of the family.

My Mom and I, our relationship just keeps getting worse, day by day, I cry over it sometimes. Last week I had tickets to go to a musical that My Man bought for me as one of my birthday presents. He ended up realizing that he could not go because he had a 50k run the next morning, very early in the morning. My Guy suggested that I ask my Mom if she would like to go. I call her up she says "yes", cool, done! I call her that week asking her if she would like to have dinner before the show, she says to me "um, how about you do your thing and I'll do mine and we will just meet for the show" I said "okay", hung up the phone and cried. My own mother doesnt want to have dinner with me. So then I decided to dump her and find someone else. I have very slim pickings in my life...I called my gay guy, he couldn't because of work. I called my childhood friend who was visiting SF, he couldnt go. Then I call my cousin, SHE COULD GO! But not to dinner, and that sucked a bit but its was fine, my cousins company was going to be WAY better than my depressing mother, and it was! I was happy for my cousin to want to go with me, but I was very sad that the low number of people in my life who I can call up, more so female friends...its like there are none.

I went to Hawaii for my birthday, to see my Aunt and her husband. I had some deep conversations with her and one of them I said that I realized that the kind of relationship I have with my Mother explanes a lot of the kind of female friend relationships I have had growing up. I never had a female friend who was like a mother to me, the kind of Mom who was there for me and would listen and care. I have always had the kind of female friend who was like my Mom, just funny and nice to hang out with, but thats all. And from what I have been missing and dont know, how would I know how to attract that kind of girl to be my friend? I want something that I have never had, that I'm unfamiliar with and wishing for.

I guess with all the wishing I did to meet someone wonderful, I need to really start to wish for a friend who could be kind of like that Mom that I always wanted.

The kind of friend I would like, would have cared that my 101 Grandmother died and that I'm having problems with my Mother.

Here is to a new 10 years of my life, I hope to do some things differently, some good things come my way and I find what I have been looking for!

(sorry for the really bad spelling, my spell check is not working...I dont know why)

Maybe my birthday wises will make me forget how old I'm turning...

a little hip to the hop

If only you were real Mallory..

Have you ever become very interested in a character from a book, movie or t.v show? Like so interested that you wish they were real and you wish they were your friend or could just sit and have a drink with them? For a little while now I have been watching this t.v show on Hulu that was on air back in the 1980's called Family Ties and I have taken a huge interest in the older sister Mallory Keaton. I feel I can relate to her so much! Mallory is not interested in school, she likes fashion, likes to talk on the phone, she is goofy,she loves her friends and she is a really caring person. Mallory is someone who I really wish was real. Sometimes when I watch the show I get a little terry eyed because I wish such a character was real and in my life. Maybe this makes me a real crazy person but I don't care. I think I have talked about this before, as much as I have been disappointed with the girls/women who I have/had in my life I will never stop looking, dreaming and hoping for that friendship I would love to have so much.

music to my ears

Goodbye Nonie...

My Grandmother, Nonie (grandmother in Italian) passed away the eve of Easter, March 30th 2013 at the age of 101! It was fitting I guess being that some of my best memories was spent with her and the rest of my family on Easter. Nonie had the best backyard for an Easter egg hunt, it was massive! Even though my memories are not as rooted as the memories my older cousins have of our Nonie, the fact that a part of my family history is now forever gone, is what is sad the most for me. I am sooo very fascinated by my family history and I know very little, some stories here and there is all I have. I am also trying to put my feet in my father's shoes, he is a 66 year old man who has lost his 101 year old mother, is this an odd feeling for him? Most people loos there parents when they are in there 50's...I think, so is his loos of his mother a "it was about time" feeling for him? The rosary and funeral was a week after Nonie's death, when we arrived at Holy Cross (grave) after we said our good bye we headed over to where my Grandpa is berried and my Grandma's parents and her sister. That was such a nice wonderful moment to sand in front of these people with my cousins and parents, I got a little spiritual, wondering if they were looking down on us and waving "hello, thank you for your visit".

I made a cagoule of pictures of my Nonie and I want to share them with you...I hope you enjoy them!

Is it ever good enough?

As much as I have talked about how school is hard for me and also how my Mother and I our relationship is sad and how My Guy and I have some issues....I have some stinky shit under my belt, let alone also some money problems! To try to cope with me being back in school I think I'm doing fine, my Mom...I will never be fine, my heart is and will be broken until she really sees that she is hurting her daughter; and as for My Guy and I, I am trying but I have a feeling he would disagree. I have a test every Tuesday and tons of homework every week and a test every other week, I try not to make homework an excuses to not be able to help out around the house but sometimes that's how it is, I need to do my homework and everything else is last. I want to finish this program as fast as I can so I can get a life long job!!! I wash the dishes every night (some nights are skipped, so I do them in the morning), I wash and fold the laundry, I keep the other rooms in the house clean and tidy. I feel My Guy makes me feel like I am the only one who makes the counter top messy and also the sink in the bathroom a mess, it's hard for me to understand this because there are 2 people in this house and as neat and tidy My Guy is, he can also be messy to! The side comments I wish would stop, "every time, I ask, put the lid back in the microwave" "can you please clean the counter top, its your mess" "the sink is gross, can you clean it" "why don't you cook". How about, it would be nice if you put your Trader Joe bags away, how about it would be nice if you didn't leave beer caps out...is it too much to toss them away right when you open the beer? How about you wash the big pans, instead of leaving water in them on the stove for DAYS!! I try not to say anything, I try to look at it like these are the things HE DOES and I wish he would not say anything and look at this is what SHE DOES. I could be doing way worse or gross things right?

I do my part, the best I can and it would be nice if my part felt good enough, felt like I was helpful. I don't feel what My Guy does is not helpful enough, he does his part. I made a to do list about a week ago and My Guy doesn't seem to like it, he added last night that he feels I tell him what to do a lot. IF I COULD PSYCHICALLY do all the things on the list I would, but I can't and he can, and these are things that need to get done around the house, they just do! Trust me, if I could I really would, because they would be all done by now.

Ugh....im the flower withering away in the wind.

this and that

I am not living with my parents anymore, even though I have not 100% moved out.I am living with My Guy....I might have talk about this but whatever! My Mom likes to stop by whenever she feels like it, doesn't really bother to call to to if it's a good time!! She really only comes over to see the dog and to see if My Guy will download e-books to her Kindle because she say's "its too hard for me to put books on my Kindle"! My Mother drives me nuts, almost every time she leaves I want to cry, I cry, I feel depressed! The women who brought me into this world is not present in life anymore, I can not rely on her for anything, she is pathetic! And I am so sad by this, because out of all moments in my life I feel I really need a Mom, and I don't have one!

I started school last month and already I feel I have been going to school for YEARS!!! These classes are kicking my ASS, I have a test almost every Tuesday...by the way, medical term's, WTF!!! It's this foreign language that I had no idea about, and maybe if I did know about it before going back to school to study for a Medical Receptionist Certificate I would have felt more prepared! I am also struggling with myself that "is this the right choice for me" did I make a good one, will I be able to do this job?

Let me be me

There is this quote that Audrey Hepburn said, now I'm not sure if she really said it but being a big fan of hers I like to hope she did. Audrey said "I don't want to be alone I just want to be left alone". I have a feeling I have talked about this quote before but whatever. I saw the therapist the other day and we talked about the issues I have with other women, how I don't seem to understand "the way of women", more so the cattiness. In my head what I imagine is a sisterhood, but I guess that's just wishful thinking!I also talked about the close people in my life and some of the things they say how I can feel picked on, but am I really being picked on or am I making a big deal? My therapist said it sounded to her that you just want to be you, and that was so refreshing to hear, you have no idea!!! YES, I JUST WANT TO BE ME!!!!
ME, the young women who does odd things who thinks odd/not like other people, who might cut an onion not the "right way" who loves fashion and interior design and reading silly books and who likes mayo on almost everything and the young women who could watch T.V for hours, who likes to talk about shit and farting and who wishes her dog could talk and wishes also she was a mermaid and would like science to really make a unicorn REAL, I also like things to look perfect and clean, I can be overly motherly and I like it, the young lady who could spend a day/hours in the bathroom!!

That's me, but I don't feel I get to be all of that, like sometimes I feel its all wrong, it's wrong when someone says something. But is it wrong, or the person who says it are they in the wrong because i am just being me? I was thinking if I was this artist (I do think I am an artist in a way but I'm not one that the public would say "yes you are") like a painter or welder, fashion maker, whatever maybe people would be like "well she is an artist, you have to let them do there thing". My Guy his brother is an artist,he gets paid to do this thing and My Guy's brother does sometimes some odd stuff and I have herd My Guy say "you know my brother, he's an artist" so there for he gets to be who he is? If only I was raised by hippie parents or parents who really pushed me to let me be me. Am I finely finding myself, at 29 years old? Would it be selfish of me to do what I want and what I feel, what I am inspired by, me being me?

I'm like holding all this color and it wants to burst out, and I'm only letting it drip drop to be safe.

It's just so much....

I can already predict that some big changes will be happening, because it is going to happen! 2013 is going to be interesting, hard, sad, and unsure and I hope some happy fits in.

I have decided to go back to school being that the lack of job experience I have I think has been holding me back from landing a job; also this economy sucks too!
I finished college in 2010 with an Associates Degree and now I will be going back to school to achieve a Medical Receptionist Certificate. With a late thought about all of this and registration I was able to score 2 classes for Spring!

I have also started to see a therapist again, I'm only 3 sessions in and so far it's been okay. I'm seeing a new therapist and she is nice but a little awkward, I'm glad I seem to do well with awkward people! Today we talked about My Guy's friend and my friend who happen to both have colon cancer! My Guy's friend is a married man who is also a father of two little boy's, I'm not even sure if the oldest son is older that 5 years old. And my male friend is 30 years old! My Guy's friend sent out an email thanking everyone for their support and just being a friend and hoping everyone will stay in contact with his wife and children. His life is now just on a clock, and it's very very sad.
My Guy was very sad when he read this email to me last night and I was too, all I could think about where the children and wife, how unfair this all is. And then I started to think about my friend who is only 30 years old and how young he is and how unfair that is too!
I brought up to My Guy how we are both in the same boat, both friends have colon cancer. My Guy shut me down on this, he did not agree with me, his friend has a much worse situation than my friend! And then he talked about how awful it is I like to watch "The Housewives of..." how not in touch with reality those people are (duh, that's kind of the point of watching) and then what a pointless job my mother has for working for a church because it doesn't matter how much you pray!
I was so hurt and very angry that My Guy would not validate my feelings, he shut me down! And then also to make comments on my vice interests and also to say something about my mother's job!I understand he was angry, he knows all too well whats it like loosing a father at a young age but why did he need to say what he said?
My therapist gave me reinsurance that my feelings about my friend is just as important as My Guy's friend and that My Guy should have not shut me down the way he did. I feel like I never want to talk about my friend to My Guy ever again and I also hope that My Guy will never ask about my friend, like ever!

My therapist and I talked about this and then My Guy and I our relationship on a whole and I am missing feeling confident about my feelings from him, I wish we could share this sadness but we cant because my friend doesn't matter!She asked me what I would like out of my relationship and I said I want to feel confident in what I say and think from My Guy. I would also like if he never brought up NEVER AGAIN what my parents do for a living/work!Just don't shut me down, don't call me names and please don't talk about my family in a disrespectful way!

Speaking about family, my brother has decided to move back home and go back to school. And My Guy would like me to move in with him. I am not sure sometimes if I want to live with him, My Guy seems so angry and at times I'm not sure if he really likes me anymore. And I know if I stay with my parents home I will have to listen to my parents and brother fight.

It's all just so much to take in! Going back to school, seeing a therapist, brother moving back and "stuff" with my boyfriend.

black poison

Yesterday I reached out to a suicide hotline, but to be with "the times" they have a chat line, so less pressure I guess. Some drama went down yesterday morning that I know was all my fault and I feel really really awful for! I was thinking not okay things, it felt like black ink, black poison was taking over my body, and soon my eyes would turn black and I would talk like a demon! These wonderful women named Sarah helped me out and made me realize that a third party in my life is needed. Being that I am unable to receive the kind of advocate from a friend that I would really like the next best thing is a therapist. I really liked my therapist the I was seeing a few years ago but I felt sometimes she would say in words.."hang in there" I need more than that, even some tough love is okay with me! This wonderful women suggested me to a place and I am very interested in.
This is not going to be my quick fix, it will be a journey that I have gone down before but this time a little different but I'm looking forward to the outcome. I'll make sure to pack lots of food and water, for this journey might be a long one!

Finding the light

Have you seen the TV show Dexter? I just finished season 1 and now I am on season 2, I'm hooked, this guy is great, in a way I can relate to him, in a non killing bad people way. I mean in his head, he is always talking to himself in his head, I do it ALL THE TIME, I am also not excited about things that most "normal" are about. I'm not trying to relate myself or say "I'm a Dexter" it's just nice to know that fiction or non-fiction their is someone like that out there.

I have had 2 rejection emails sent to me this week, "thank you for applying, but the postion has been filled" or "your limited qualifications dont meet what we are looking for, but good luck on your job search" Ouch! Yeah, I cried, told myself no one will ever hire me! I'm 2fucking9 and I still live with my parents, and to make things even better; my boyfriend had a dream that my Mom told him he should break up with me. It might be just a dream, but it made me feel sick inside!

I was thinking yesterday as my mind was wondering in dark places, if I was single, what would I be doing, my life would still be the same, just single.I would be fucking. I would be fucking random guys to numb the sadness in my life, these men would be the only excitement in my life! Just like how my dog and my boyfriend are to me...and its better, healthy, safer. To loose that would lead me to a dark road with lots of condoms and a what if...pregnant, STD, shit I dont need to deal with at my age.

This stuff is hard, this adult shit is hard, I am not handling it well...maybe I am, I'm sure my boyfriend would say "your doing your best". All my life I had someone hold my hand and guide me this way and help me out that way and now I'm old, thats how I feel, not cute anymore, so who wants to help the old lady? And then I also just feel like this looser, some floater in life. I have been thinking as a last resort if I dont end up with a gig, I'll just get pregnant and be a "Mom" so then no one can ask me "how's the job hunting going" no one would ask me that they will ask "how is it being a Mom, isn't it wonderful" "how does your child sleep at night" boring stuff like that. Because I'm a Mom!

I am also trying to compare is this moment in my life really sucky or was it when I was so depressed that I was seeing a therapist? I think they are 50-50. There will be a time, the light will shine, but it just doesn't feel like its going to EVER happen!