Bragging

I’m somewhat of a shy person to the extent where you would never hear me talk about what I just bought or got as a gift because I find it REALLY tacky and when I hear other people talking about “I just got a new…….” I cringe inside BIG TIME. The only exception to this is if someone asks me what I have or what I’m wearing is new and I will tell them (in a non bragging way!) but even that makes me uncomfortable!!I think this all comes from my Mother, she tends to brag sometimes to other family members and people and it drives me crazy because as she’s doing it I’m looking at the other person/people face and they have this look like “okay we get it, you’re doing or have something we will never have or do, we get it, now shut up!” but she doesn’t shut up, so to end the pain for the victim(s) I try to grab my Mothers arm gently and try to change the subject ASAP!! Call me prude, but I don’t really see any good opportunity to brag, unless you’re trying to piss someone off OR you have worked really hard at something and all the hard work paid off and you got an awesome reward at the end of it……………but even that I might keep to myself. Also I think bragging about getting laid is fine, who doesn’t want to hear the juice, but I can’t think of anything other exceptions. I might get shit for this but a few things have been happing around me that have involved bragging and it’s been driving me crazy and I needed to get this off my chest and into a blog!

I'm Sorry Sam!

On a day where Valentines day fell on a week day I walked into school (high school) and found a rose and a note taped to my locker, also a bunch of kids huddled around my locker as well, at first I thought this was a joke and asked around who did this, nobody knew until this one guy who came down stairs to put his sweater away said it was Sam. Sam? The name did not ring a bell at first then the guy said “you know Sam, he turns into the Incredible Hulk when he gets upset and he always wears that red sweater?” once again, Sam? Sam didn’t talk much, he was huge and kind of harry, he was also older than me, I didn’t know him other than that and I never would have thought he would have a crush on me. As I put my things away in my locker the word had spread around the school (I went to school with 60 kids from 6th grade to 12th so a rumor or gossip went around in like 10 seconds!), I took my binder, lunch, the note and rose up stairs with me. My guy friends had a hay day with this, and my female friends thought it was creepy, I didn’t know what to think of all of this, I was still on “Sam?” Sometimes you can tell when a guy likes you, they stare at you or give you compliments, bla bla bla, but Sam didn’t do any of that, but then again I was really wrapped up into myself in high school, all I cared about was goofing off and making my friends laugh! Everyone in my class wanted to see the note so I passed it around and my friend at the time Krista asked what was I going to do with it………. do with it? Now Krista could be cold hearted at times and some of the things she would say or come up with I wondered if she was really human, but at the same time I kind of liked her boldness, as I was this shy/goofball. I told her I’ll just put it back in my locker and then take it home and throw it away, she didn’t like that idea and told me what I should do with it…….”you should rip it up in front of his face!” “No!” I told her, but then she went on telling me that a guy like that needs to know his place, he needs to learn that a girl like me would never go for a guy like him. Still thinking it was a really mean idea, Krista told our guy friends and they agreed ripping of the note needed to happen. So ladies and gentlemen I preformed an act that would for sure scar anyone’s sensitive heart! Yep I ripped the note up, all because of peer pressure, isn’t that what high school is all about? Sam and I shared an English class together and he sat up front, as I sat in the back, the plan was when snake time came I would go up to where his desk was that happened to be by the waste basket and I would rip up the note and also toss the rose. So snake time came, I got up walked up by Sam ripped the note and tossed it in with the rose in the waste basket, I didn’t look at him while I was doing this but I could tell he was looking at me, after I was done I walked back to me desk and Krista and one of my guy friends had a big smile on their face, as for me I thought I was for sure going to hell! I sat in my seat eating my snake staring at the back of Sam’s head, heart pounding, thinking over and over again with the hell did I just do and then BAM, Sam pounded his desk and stormed out of the room and went into the boy’s bathroom and slammed the door!! I froze, as everyone else was giggling, I was scared when Sam was going to come out of the bathroom he was going to look green and huge and walk over to my desk and rip my skinny little body up into billions of pieces, but he didn’t, but he sure did give me a mean look when he came out, and his hand was filled with some toilet paper……….I made him cry? My guy friend Josh loved that I made him cry and so did Krista, now for sure I was going to go to hell, for the rest of the day I just kept quiet and couldn’t wait to get home.

As mean as this is going to sound…….Sam should have known better, he wasn’t going to get away with this without the attention that was going to fallow it, but on the other hand I shouldn’t have done what I did! I should have stuck with my plan in bring the note and rose home and not done the “cool” thing but I did and it was an awful thing I did. If I ran into Sam now and asked if I scared him in any way I would like to say sorry for doing so, for to be the maker of scaring someone’s heart is not a nice thing to do and thinking you will get away with it is stupid thinking, Karma always finds you and I know for sure she did (that’s another blog!).

To all the secret admirers out there whose plan didn’t go the way they hoped for, I’m sorry!!!!!!!!

Burnt Out.

With all that has been happening these past few weeks this weekend I was really tired of myself. I don't know about you but there are days or moments where I would like to leave myself. I know the root to this feeling as of lately fucking Messenger Boy. I received text news that he got some girl knocked up, in a way this didn't surprise me the guy HATED to wear a condom, but I made sure no love was going to happen if there was no glove! Why is it that I'm beating myself over about all of this? I'm going back and forth...in my head i have built this world that has to be perfect, when i know in reality it never will be. You see i feel so stupid for getting involved with someone like him, someone like me would never hang out with someone like him, BUT I DID! I know that sounds like i think I'm better then him.....because i am! Then to add more, i have been feeling left behind, not with my friends or family but with myself. Everything has been happening so fast and i have been feeling like I'm in that part of a movie where the camera does a 360 around the person and everything around him or her gets all blurry but they aren't, that's how i have been feeling lately. Also I feel this city is either getting to cool for me or I'm just getting burnt out with everything, everyone and myself.

Messenger Boy

There is a reason for everything and for sure the reason why Messenger Boy and I will no longer be hanging out is a VERY good one! It involves a girl with X the drug (sorry I don’t know how you spell it) and a hooker……………yes I said hooker! This morning I asked my brother how his night was and he said it was fine, and then he turned to me and said “I don’t want you seeing Messenger Boy ever again” I stood there and said okay with a question in my voice and I could see he didn’t want to tell me why but he knew he had to so he did. He said he was talking with Messenger Boy’s roommate and he said that Messenger Boy had a crazy night before, he continued saying that he met some chick who had X and then somehow met some hooker on Polk St. and went back to her place. After my brother tells me this I start to shake and feel really gross inside, this is the dude I slept with last weekend and this weekend he sleeps with a hooker?! I start thinking has he slept with other girls while we were sleeping together, if so did he use a condom and why the fuck did he lie to my face when I said if we were going to sleep together there could be no third party involved he said that was fine, LIE!!!!!!!!! I’m calling up my doctor tomorrow and scheduling an STD and HIV test, we used condoms every time but oral was not covered and you can get HIV from unprotected oral sex. I should have listed to that voice in the back of my head every time we hung out, it was telling me he’s bad news but I ignored it! If I saw Messenger Boy right now I would want to slap him in the face and let him know that he will never know what to do with someone who comes into his life that is a wonderful human being because he’s so blind and fucked up in the head! I’m really mad; I feel used, gross, scared for my health and ugly, I also feel I lost a game in way and when it comes to life I hate losing to life. He would be a fool to call me, even if he does I’m not going to pick up, but if any of my test results come back positive I’m going to go over to his apartment and beat the shit out of him with a base ball bat! That’s fair right?

What does it take to have to pay for sex? There are something’s I get why people do the things they do but paying for sex? I don’t get it, this is a 26yr old guy who has a job, tons of friends…………you can be still a lonely person who doesn’t like themselves with all that going for them in their life I know but I still don’t get it! This dude got laid last weekend, it’s not like it was last year! I know dudes are horny beings but HELLO, ever heard of self- control and self- worth? I’m sorry but I just don’t get it…………but then again I have a problem too, I fall for scum bags who only want to want me and nothing else and I like that? WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Fallow your dream they tell me.

Lately I have been running into people or have been watching movies and T.V with messages and conversations about living your life. I just got back from seeing the movie Benjamin Button, it was a very nice film, but a little long, aside from that the ending was satisfying. I’m an “ending person” if the ending of a movie doesn’t leave an impression on me it loses a few points no matter how good of a movie it was. For example No Country for Old Men, LOVED the movie, but the ending was a little bit of a disappointment, I will still forever think it’s a great film but the ending could have been something amazing.; not everything can be perfect, right? Going back to Button the ending was Brads voice and it was showing all the people in the movie who he had met throughout his life and how some people are button collectors, some people are dancers and some people are artists………..yes, everyone is something in life some greater than others, this was a “duha” moment for me but at the same time a little bit of a slap on the head to ask myself who am I? I’m a young woman, a student and a babysitter, two out of the 3 I never thought I would be. As I was watching the movie I thought does everyone have lavish dreams about themselves and what they want their lives to be like or do only some people do? I’m always dreaming in lavish thoughts, I have these big ideas about my life but am too scared to put them into action for the most popular reason, failing. A part of myself will never like myself and I don’t think will ever expect my flaw, if I could trade for a new brain I would in a heat beat, I know by saying this I’m letting my flaw win, and so oh well. My dream would be to dress people (stylist); I would love to be the next Stacy London or the next Rachael Zoe, I’m good at bossing people around already I got that down to a T but to take the step in making everything else happen scars the shit out of me. Most people don’t fallow their dreams but the ones that do love their life more and at the end of the day and the beginning of my morning I want to love my job and my life. So maybe are all these messages that I’m getting a sign, a wakeup call, because if they are you have at least gotten me to poke my head out; and that’s a big step for me.

Bed and ran out of social gas.

I’m not sure why I’m never interested in staying out till the sun comes up, but I’m not. I’m good for a few hours, like 9 to 12:30, 1 to 2ish is pushing it. It’s like my bed has a voice that somehow carries over to the bar or friend’s house that I’m at and says “Come home to me, let me make you warm”. My friends give me shit about it, not in a mean way, well one friend more than the others, I just can’t do it, and it’s not in me. I’ve never been much of a “party girl”, but don’t get me wrong I do like to have a good time, just not till the butt crack of dawn. For the past few days I have been asking myself why is not staying out so late really important to me and I think I might have found a few answers.

1. The area I live in the city, cabs are not crazy about so it’s hard sometimes to find a cab that wants to take me home (sometimes)

2. The later I stay out means the later I will sleep in and then I miss out on half of my day and when it’s time to go to bed at night I’m not really tired because I slept all day.

3. Sometimes my social skills run out of gas and there is nothing left to say so the best thing to do is to go home.

Speaking of social skills, I think my social skills are fine, I enjoy meeting new people and doing new things but every once in a while I’ll have a moment were like I said up top have “run out of gas”. Now I’m not sure is the company around me that I’m done with or someone has put a bee in my bonnet and has started to kill the mood for me or what but sometimes this happens. Also there times when I’m just tired and then there are other times where I’m in this chill mood and I just want to be around a group of people for the company aspect of it but not really engage in any conversation to much……..is that wrong?

I find it funny that I question so much about myself, I feel I stumble on something new about me or recognize things about myself that I didn’t see before, I love it but hate at the same time.

My New Year

New years eve started out with a fresh step, my 2 friends who had a “thing” a while back was able to put aside all the drama and made the effort to be civil with each other, it was awesome! The little house party we all went to was great, the food and booze was endless added with lots of laughs and great music. Fallowing that weekend I left for Hawaii to go on a cruise with my family for a week and then spend 5 days in Oahu on the North Shore at my ants husbands house (I refuse to call him my uncle). I was a little apprehensive about the whole trip being that my last trip to Hawaii wasn’t good (I think I talk about this in my other blog) anyways, the trip was a little bit better then the first one. I say a little bit because my aunt was bossing my family and I around the whole trip, she was easily annoyed with us for very silly things……like not ordering enough food? I’m not sure if I would ever go on a cruise every again, when it comes to dinner I like to be in my pj’s or sweat pants and having to look kind of nice every night for dinner was a drag, also I never thought I would be tired of being waited on and sick of food! The selection of guys on the ship was slim and surprisingly I didn’t really think about sex on the trip (well toads the end, I’ll get to that in a bit), I didn’t think much at all, it was really nice! I also didn’t care about how I looked so there were days when I didn’t fix my hair or wear any makeup, who was I trying to impress? No one! Also Hawaii isn’t a very fashion cautious state unlike San Francisco, and on top of that no one is going to remember me the next day! I think this trip was needed, for sure I feel rested, a part of me feels very calm, that’s a little odd for me to say being that I’m kind of a uptight person. I also have a nice tan but in exchange for that I also have some nice bites on my legs :(

Now for the thinking of sex, yes the whole trip I didn’t think about sex, maybe a little but not as much as I think about it normally and it was kind of nice but on the second to the last day of my trip Messenger Boy called me, I was sleeping when he called, it was such a bootie call hour as well, so I called him the next evening and it was as if the gate that closed off the sex thoughts was reopened when I heard his voice. It was a little surprising to see that he called me at all being that I invited him to the house party on NYE and he didn’t show up (I kind of knew though)and I had a dream about him when I was on my trip. The dream was that my brother told me he saw him with another chick, and I get kind of hippie about my dreams, some of them I take to heart, so I figured that he was done with us hanging out.

Also on this trip my cousin and her husband stayed with us for a bit when we arrived at my aunt’s husband’s house. One afternoon they took my brother and I out for some drinks and I asked my cousin if she ever met any boyfriends that my mom dated before she married my dad, she said she only met one and apparently he was a little crazy. This was so juicy to me I got all excited, she told me he was Colombian (I think my mother has a thing for “darker” men being that she ended up marring an Italian man, no?) and she said when they broke up and he found out she was going to marry my dad he started to stalk her and the day of the wedding my uncle who worked for the Army at the time stood at the doors of the church while packing heat to make sure Mr. Crazy wouldn’t try to stop the wedding……….family juice is always exciting!!

So this New Year so far has been okay, nothing exciting yet and I don’t have a feeling of prediction of what this year is going to be like unlike last year I felt it was going to be crazy/fun, and it was! I guess I’ll just have to sit back and see what were 2009 takes me!

Goodbye 2008

The way i brought in 2008 last year was 4 rented movies and 3 cans of beer snuggled under 2 heavy blankets on my couch, all of my friends were out of town and one was working. I was kind of okay with this, i remember it was a very cold new years eve and i cant stand to be out in the cold, also everything in the city is SO expensive and all i had to pay for was the movies that came out to be $10. I remember saying to myself that next year you will not be spending new years eve by yourself, and i wont be this year in fact! I'll be with my fabulous friends hoping to house party to another house party.

Last November i started to hang out with a classmate who later became one of my very good friends and we were having dinner together and i was telling her i was doing alot of reflecting, she said "winter does that.....", its true, i don't find myself doing much reflecting in all the other seasons (not that SF has seasons); but last year my reflecting was on how many sex partners have i had and it wasn't very many, also i was reflecting on what kind of guys they were too. This year my reflecting is not to far off from last year, I'm going to set some goals for myself this coming new year..........

1. Play hard to get - This really needs to happen, I'm to nice and i haven't broken enough hearts or teased enough!

2. Work out - I really need to do this more then i do, i only work out maybe 3 times a month and i need to do it way more then that, when i work out i feel so good about myself!

3. Going back to therapy - I'm really thinking about this very carefully, It's been a year and half, and i feel very torn in should i or shouldn't i go back, I know the "light bulb" moment will happen and when it does that will be my answer.

I'm going to keep it at 3 for now, i don't like to set to many goals for myself because then i wont keep them.

What a year this has been for me though, lets see what i can remember!! Jan - was all about the dude, The Writer that i had a class with, i remember i was starting to drive then too. Feb - I don't remember. March - Don't remember. April - I smoked the biggest joint of my life on 4/20 while watching The Big Lebowski at the Red Vic, then my 2 best friends hooked up that night and when i found out i was really not okay with this because i was worried that if it didn't work out then drama would happen, and it did. Also it was just odd for me personally, i had never had 2 very close friends hook up with each other because.......well i have never really had close friends!! May - My baby cousin was born, i started to work for a family friend, i had to say good bye to my other job, it was a bitter sweet month, i loved my boss at my old job, to bad the work wasn't as awesome. June - I met a dude at one of my friends house parties, who ended up have problems in the bed room, and was a little too needy for me, but all in all was VERY sweet to me. My other cousin was born, now we had 2 new babies in the family. July - I'm wondering was this when my 2 friends that hooked up stopped hanging out with each other? 4th of July was just alright, friends and i had a good meal with the folks then headed over to a really awesome house in Hayes Vally. I also had to say goodbye to one of the sweetest people i have ever met, it was nice to know truly sweet people do live, I will miss you Zeynep! Aug - I turned 25, had a very awesome birthday with friends and ended things with bed room problems dude. School started, and i made my goal to try to get laid once a month. Sept - I hook up with my first dude that kicked off my goal.......such a disappointment, later found out he used me to fill his void for some other chick that doesn't love him back, i really wish i could find this chick and tell her to keep not loving him, he's a disappointment in bed. Oct - I hooked up with my 2nd dude who ended up having a slapping fetish and really freaked me out, I went to the best Halloween party EVER, i dressed up as Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction. My brother ran into a car on his bike, thank God he didnt break anything! Nov - Obama!!! Went on a really bad date but my night turned around and met a really cool guy who is known as "Messenger Boy" who also threw off my whole once a month goal because he has now rolled over to Dec. Dec - My Christmas was really good, Santa brought me all the things i asked for, I have been doing some heavy thinking about myself......i think that's it!

Maybe not an exciting year for some people but some of the things that happened were exciting for me. For a very long time in my life was a loner, a wallflower ( I still feel i am) and some of these things that happened to me i only thought happened to "cool" people or in the movies. I hope to continue to set silly personal goals for myself, I hope to keep coming out of my shell, I hope to continue to meet new people who make me laugh and are inspiring. And most of all I hope to continue to keep growing into an awesome person!

Happy New Year everyone!!

Un-Smart.

I have written a blog about my dyslexia but I feel there are other things about myself I need to share. Most of the information and conversations I have threw out my day I don’t understand, I think I just live in life, it’s like I’m standing in the middle of a street and everyone and everything around me is passing by, going to this place, going to that place, meeting this person and so on. What do I understand? Very little, I don’t understand how music is put into a record, I have had many people explain it to me but I still don’t get it, now a CD I get but a record I don’t get. Maybe that’s not a very good example. This might be better………when I was a child my mother was going to take me out to buy some new shoes, she told me I was getting one pair of shoes, to me this meant I was only going to get one shoe! I remember crying and yelling at her “no two pair of shoes” and she saying back to me “I’m only buying one pair”, all I could think about was why would my mother let me walk around the city with one shoe on? She never caught on and I don’t remember if she took me out that day to get my shoes, but I remember making a big deal about thinking I was going to only get one shoe! I take care of a little boy and when he gets upset about something that I know he doesn’t understand it makes me sad because I truly deeply know how he feels; I’m an adult and I still don’t understand a lot that goes on around me. Sometimes I debate with myself how stupid and slow are different? Like I find most men to be stupid (sorry to any male readers) but the fact that I don’t understand most things around me does that make me stupid? What about slow? It takes me a while to understand most things that “normal” people understand quickly. My conversations I also feel are never exactly on topic, like I was talking with Messenger Boy the other night and even though we were high and drunk I was telling him a story and realizing as I’m telling him this story and it so does not match with the subject that he was just talking about and he had this look on his face like WTF. I know I do this, but do I do this a lot? It’s really hard to feel confident in yourself when you’re constantly battling with yourself to “be smart, look smart, act smart”. Another story I remember I was in my young teens and I was with my family having dinner over at my neighbors house, the other guests starting talking with me when dinner was finishing up and my mother and neighbor got up from the table and went into the kitchen to get the desert ready and I remember hearing her say to my mother “it’s a shame they don’t know….” I forget the rest but I knew what she was talking about. I know I was telling these people something that was “smart” I guess when really I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about, but they believed everything and they thought I was this really smart young girl. I don’t ever want people to feel sorry for me or treat me as I’m handicapped, or “special” but I do want people to respect me and be kind, I know that’s a lot to ask for.

Paranoia and Beyond

I get really paranoid sometimes about the most silly stuff, but maybe we all do? But sometimes i feel i take it to the next level, like i think beyond the issue and what could happen next or what the outcome could be, how's its going to effect myself and others in my life, i get to the point where i make myself go crazy i feel like. My biggest fears would be getting pregnant, getting an STD or worse HIV. If i got knocked up from some random dude, hands down abort would take place ASAP. If I got an STD, i would hope it would be one that is curable, but then i think what if i caught the one that wasn't? Like HPV/genital warts, I got the HPV shots last year (they really really hurt by the way) but i know it only covers so much, there are still other HPV various that the shot doesn't cover, and if i had a break out.....I think i would become very depressed, it doesn't take much, when it comes to my body I'm very sensitive. And how would i handle if i got HIV? For sure the same thing would happen but i think worse, I wouldn't blame my family if they had to send me to a mental institution. Am I a big baby for thinking these things? Lots of people say your teens are hard, but i disagree, i think your 20's are hard. I have 10yrs to figure out what the hell i want to do with the rest of my life, I have to "grow up" and act like an adult, make adult choices. Maybe i have been babied too much in my up bringing, i wouldn't disagree if someone said they thought so, but its so scary to have to do things and make big life altering choices in your life on your own. I think about one of my good friends sometimes who has to make choices alot on her own and who doesn't have the luxury to call her family for help or advice, i think about how does she do it? She is so much stronger then me and i hope be that someday, i really do. Although I hope if she ever needed anything I would be there in a heart beat to hold her hand.

Life is scary, and i feel it officially got scary when i started to have sex and got into my 20's, and I know that this is only the icing on the cake! If only we could all have a little person that fit in our pocket and we would take him or her out for words of encouragement or to just lend an ear.