Fallow your dream they tell me.

Lately I have been running into people or have been watching movies and T.V with messages and conversations about living your life. I just got back from seeing the movie Benjamin Button, it was a very nice film, but a little long, aside from that the ending was satisfying. I’m an “ending person” if the ending of a movie doesn’t leave an impression on me it loses a few points no matter how good of a movie it was. For example No Country for Old Men, LOVED the movie, but the ending was a little bit of a disappointment, I will still forever think it’s a great film but the ending could have been something amazing.; not everything can be perfect, right? Going back to Button the ending was Brads voice and it was showing all the people in the movie who he had met throughout his life and how some people are button collectors, some people are dancers and some people are artists………..yes, everyone is something in life some greater than others, this was a “duha” moment for me but at the same time a little bit of a slap on the head to ask myself who am I? I’m a young woman, a student and a babysitter, two out of the 3 I never thought I would be. As I was watching the movie I thought does everyone have lavish dreams about themselves and what they want their lives to be like or do only some people do? I’m always dreaming in lavish thoughts, I have these big ideas about my life but am too scared to put them into action for the most popular reason, failing. A part of myself will never like myself and I don’t think will ever expect my flaw, if I could trade for a new brain I would in a heat beat, I know by saying this I’m letting my flaw win, and so oh well. My dream would be to dress people (stylist); I would love to be the next Stacy London or the next Rachael Zoe, I’m good at bossing people around already I got that down to a T but to take the step in making everything else happen scars the shit out of me. Most people don’t fallow their dreams but the ones that do love their life more and at the end of the day and the beginning of my morning I want to love my job and my life. So maybe are all these messages that I’m getting a sign, a wakeup call, because if they are you have at least gotten me to poke my head out; and that’s a big step for me.

Bed and ran out of social gas.

I’m not sure why I’m never interested in staying out till the sun comes up, but I’m not. I’m good for a few hours, like 9 to 12:30, 1 to 2ish is pushing it. It’s like my bed has a voice that somehow carries over to the bar or friend’s house that I’m at and says “Come home to me, let me make you warm”. My friends give me shit about it, not in a mean way, well one friend more than the others, I just can’t do it, and it’s not in me. I’ve never been much of a “party girl”, but don’t get me wrong I do like to have a good time, just not till the butt crack of dawn. For the past few days I have been asking myself why is not staying out so late really important to me and I think I might have found a few answers.

1. The area I live in the city, cabs are not crazy about so it’s hard sometimes to find a cab that wants to take me home (sometimes)

2. The later I stay out means the later I will sleep in and then I miss out on half of my day and when it’s time to go to bed at night I’m not really tired because I slept all day.

3. Sometimes my social skills run out of gas and there is nothing left to say so the best thing to do is to go home.

Speaking of social skills, I think my social skills are fine, I enjoy meeting new people and doing new things but every once in a while I’ll have a moment were like I said up top have “run out of gas”. Now I’m not sure is the company around me that I’m done with or someone has put a bee in my bonnet and has started to kill the mood for me or what but sometimes this happens. Also there times when I’m just tired and then there are other times where I’m in this chill mood and I just want to be around a group of people for the company aspect of it but not really engage in any conversation to much……..is that wrong?

I find it funny that I question so much about myself, I feel I stumble on something new about me or recognize things about myself that I didn’t see before, I love it but hate at the same time.

My New Year

New years eve started out with a fresh step, my 2 friends who had a “thing” a while back was able to put aside all the drama and made the effort to be civil with each other, it was awesome! The little house party we all went to was great, the food and booze was endless added with lots of laughs and great music. Fallowing that weekend I left for Hawaii to go on a cruise with my family for a week and then spend 5 days in Oahu on the North Shore at my ants husbands house (I refuse to call him my uncle). I was a little apprehensive about the whole trip being that my last trip to Hawaii wasn’t good (I think I talk about this in my other blog) anyways, the trip was a little bit better then the first one. I say a little bit because my aunt was bossing my family and I around the whole trip, she was easily annoyed with us for very silly things……like not ordering enough food? I’m not sure if I would ever go on a cruise every again, when it comes to dinner I like to be in my pj’s or sweat pants and having to look kind of nice every night for dinner was a drag, also I never thought I would be tired of being waited on and sick of food! The selection of guys on the ship was slim and surprisingly I didn’t really think about sex on the trip (well toads the end, I’ll get to that in a bit), I didn’t think much at all, it was really nice! I also didn’t care about how I looked so there were days when I didn’t fix my hair or wear any makeup, who was I trying to impress? No one! Also Hawaii isn’t a very fashion cautious state unlike San Francisco, and on top of that no one is going to remember me the next day! I think this trip was needed, for sure I feel rested, a part of me feels very calm, that’s a little odd for me to say being that I’m kind of a uptight person. I also have a nice tan but in exchange for that I also have some nice bites on my legs :(

Now for the thinking of sex, yes the whole trip I didn’t think about sex, maybe a little but not as much as I think about it normally and it was kind of nice but on the second to the last day of my trip Messenger Boy called me, I was sleeping when he called, it was such a bootie call hour as well, so I called him the next evening and it was as if the gate that closed off the sex thoughts was reopened when I heard his voice. It was a little surprising to see that he called me at all being that I invited him to the house party on NYE and he didn’t show up (I kind of knew though)and I had a dream about him when I was on my trip. The dream was that my brother told me he saw him with another chick, and I get kind of hippie about my dreams, some of them I take to heart, so I figured that he was done with us hanging out.

Also on this trip my cousin and her husband stayed with us for a bit when we arrived at my aunt’s husband’s house. One afternoon they took my brother and I out for some drinks and I asked my cousin if she ever met any boyfriends that my mom dated before she married my dad, she said she only met one and apparently he was a little crazy. This was so juicy to me I got all excited, she told me he was Colombian (I think my mother has a thing for “darker” men being that she ended up marring an Italian man, no?) and she said when they broke up and he found out she was going to marry my dad he started to stalk her and the day of the wedding my uncle who worked for the Army at the time stood at the doors of the church while packing heat to make sure Mr. Crazy wouldn’t try to stop the wedding……….family juice is always exciting!!

So this New Year so far has been okay, nothing exciting yet and I don’t have a feeling of prediction of what this year is going to be like unlike last year I felt it was going to be crazy/fun, and it was! I guess I’ll just have to sit back and see what were 2009 takes me!

Goodbye 2008

The way i brought in 2008 last year was 4 rented movies and 3 cans of beer snuggled under 2 heavy blankets on my couch, all of my friends were out of town and one was working. I was kind of okay with this, i remember it was a very cold new years eve and i cant stand to be out in the cold, also everything in the city is SO expensive and all i had to pay for was the movies that came out to be $10. I remember saying to myself that next year you will not be spending new years eve by yourself, and i wont be this year in fact! I'll be with my fabulous friends hoping to house party to another house party.

Last November i started to hang out with a classmate who later became one of my very good friends and we were having dinner together and i was telling her i was doing alot of reflecting, she said "winter does that.....", its true, i don't find myself doing much reflecting in all the other seasons (not that SF has seasons); but last year my reflecting was on how many sex partners have i had and it wasn't very many, also i was reflecting on what kind of guys they were too. This year my reflecting is not to far off from last year, I'm going to set some goals for myself this coming new year..........

1. Play hard to get - This really needs to happen, I'm to nice and i haven't broken enough hearts or teased enough!

2. Work out - I really need to do this more then i do, i only work out maybe 3 times a month and i need to do it way more then that, when i work out i feel so good about myself!

3. Going back to therapy - I'm really thinking about this very carefully, It's been a year and half, and i feel very torn in should i or shouldn't i go back, I know the "light bulb" moment will happen and when it does that will be my answer.

I'm going to keep it at 3 for now, i don't like to set to many goals for myself because then i wont keep them.

What a year this has been for me though, lets see what i can remember!! Jan - was all about the dude, The Writer that i had a class with, i remember i was starting to drive then too. Feb - I don't remember. March - Don't remember. April - I smoked the biggest joint of my life on 4/20 while watching The Big Lebowski at the Red Vic, then my 2 best friends hooked up that night and when i found out i was really not okay with this because i was worried that if it didn't work out then drama would happen, and it did. Also it was just odd for me personally, i had never had 2 very close friends hook up with each other because.......well i have never really had close friends!! May - My baby cousin was born, i started to work for a family friend, i had to say good bye to my other job, it was a bitter sweet month, i loved my boss at my old job, to bad the work wasn't as awesome. June - I met a dude at one of my friends house parties, who ended up have problems in the bed room, and was a little too needy for me, but all in all was VERY sweet to me. My other cousin was born, now we had 2 new babies in the family. July - I'm wondering was this when my 2 friends that hooked up stopped hanging out with each other? 4th of July was just alright, friends and i had a good meal with the folks then headed over to a really awesome house in Hayes Vally. I also had to say goodbye to one of the sweetest people i have ever met, it was nice to know truly sweet people do live, I will miss you Zeynep! Aug - I turned 25, had a very awesome birthday with friends and ended things with bed room problems dude. School started, and i made my goal to try to get laid once a month. Sept - I hook up with my first dude that kicked off my goal.......such a disappointment, later found out he used me to fill his void for some other chick that doesn't love him back, i really wish i could find this chick and tell her to keep not loving him, he's a disappointment in bed. Oct - I hooked up with my 2nd dude who ended up having a slapping fetish and really freaked me out, I went to the best Halloween party EVER, i dressed up as Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction. My brother ran into a car on his bike, thank God he didnt break anything! Nov - Obama!!! Went on a really bad date but my night turned around and met a really cool guy who is known as "Messenger Boy" who also threw off my whole once a month goal because he has now rolled over to Dec. Dec - My Christmas was really good, Santa brought me all the things i asked for, I have been doing some heavy thinking about myself......i think that's it!

Maybe not an exciting year for some people but some of the things that happened were exciting for me. For a very long time in my life was a loner, a wallflower ( I still feel i am) and some of these things that happened to me i only thought happened to "cool" people or in the movies. I hope to continue to set silly personal goals for myself, I hope to keep coming out of my shell, I hope to continue to meet new people who make me laugh and are inspiring. And most of all I hope to continue to keep growing into an awesome person!

Happy New Year everyone!!

Un-Smart.

I have written a blog about my dyslexia but I feel there are other things about myself I need to share. Most of the information and conversations I have threw out my day I don’t understand, I think I just live in life, it’s like I’m standing in the middle of a street and everyone and everything around me is passing by, going to this place, going to that place, meeting this person and so on. What do I understand? Very little, I don’t understand how music is put into a record, I have had many people explain it to me but I still don’t get it, now a CD I get but a record I don’t get. Maybe that’s not a very good example. This might be better………when I was a child my mother was going to take me out to buy some new shoes, she told me I was getting one pair of shoes, to me this meant I was only going to get one shoe! I remember crying and yelling at her “no two pair of shoes” and she saying back to me “I’m only buying one pair”, all I could think about was why would my mother let me walk around the city with one shoe on? She never caught on and I don’t remember if she took me out that day to get my shoes, but I remember making a big deal about thinking I was going to only get one shoe! I take care of a little boy and when he gets upset about something that I know he doesn’t understand it makes me sad because I truly deeply know how he feels; I’m an adult and I still don’t understand a lot that goes on around me. Sometimes I debate with myself how stupid and slow are different? Like I find most men to be stupid (sorry to any male readers) but the fact that I don’t understand most things around me does that make me stupid? What about slow? It takes me a while to understand most things that “normal” people understand quickly. My conversations I also feel are never exactly on topic, like I was talking with Messenger Boy the other night and even though we were high and drunk I was telling him a story and realizing as I’m telling him this story and it so does not match with the subject that he was just talking about and he had this look on his face like WTF. I know I do this, but do I do this a lot? It’s really hard to feel confident in yourself when you’re constantly battling with yourself to “be smart, look smart, act smart”. Another story I remember I was in my young teens and I was with my family having dinner over at my neighbors house, the other guests starting talking with me when dinner was finishing up and my mother and neighbor got up from the table and went into the kitchen to get the desert ready and I remember hearing her say to my mother “it’s a shame they don’t know….” I forget the rest but I knew what she was talking about. I know I was telling these people something that was “smart” I guess when really I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about, but they believed everything and they thought I was this really smart young girl. I don’t ever want people to feel sorry for me or treat me as I’m handicapped, or “special” but I do want people to respect me and be kind, I know that’s a lot to ask for.

Paranoia and Beyond

I get really paranoid sometimes about the most silly stuff, but maybe we all do? But sometimes i feel i take it to the next level, like i think beyond the issue and what could happen next or what the outcome could be, how's its going to effect myself and others in my life, i get to the point where i make myself go crazy i feel like. My biggest fears would be getting pregnant, getting an STD or worse HIV. If i got knocked up from some random dude, hands down abort would take place ASAP. If I got an STD, i would hope it would be one that is curable, but then i think what if i caught the one that wasn't? Like HPV/genital warts, I got the HPV shots last year (they really really hurt by the way) but i know it only covers so much, there are still other HPV various that the shot doesn't cover, and if i had a break out.....I think i would become very depressed, it doesn't take much, when it comes to my body I'm very sensitive. And how would i handle if i got HIV? For sure the same thing would happen but i think worse, I wouldn't blame my family if they had to send me to a mental institution. Am I a big baby for thinking these things? Lots of people say your teens are hard, but i disagree, i think your 20's are hard. I have 10yrs to figure out what the hell i want to do with the rest of my life, I have to "grow up" and act like an adult, make adult choices. Maybe i have been babied too much in my up bringing, i wouldn't disagree if someone said they thought so, but its so scary to have to do things and make big life altering choices in your life on your own. I think about one of my good friends sometimes who has to make choices alot on her own and who doesn't have the luxury to call her family for help or advice, i think about how does she do it? She is so much stronger then me and i hope be that someday, i really do. Although I hope if she ever needed anything I would be there in a heart beat to hold her hand.

Life is scary, and i feel it officially got scary when i started to have sex and got into my 20's, and I know that this is only the icing on the cake! If only we could all have a little person that fit in our pocket and we would take him or her out for words of encouragement or to just lend an ear.

Holy Night

I'm not a religious person but every time i hear this song it give me goose bumps and i want to share the goose bumps with you :)

Hard to Get

Why is it when your friends and family try to tell you something but you choose not to listen because you think they don’t know what they’re talking about but then someone that you don’t know very well tells you the same thing then you listen? My friend Joe tells me all the time that I need to play hard to get, and I laugh or roll my eyes, but this evening as I was watching “John Tucker Must Die” on TV and I realized I do need to play hard to get! I’m a little embarrassed to say that a movie of such low intelligence made me have my “duha” moment but I’m really glad it did. I don’t think I have ever played hard to get, I’m really good at being sarcastic and a shit talker, prudish too, but hard to get I’m not good at , in fact I don’t think I even know how; nor do I even think I have ever tried! How would I even start? And do you have to start right away? Meaning, Messenger Boy called me last week and as we were talking I told him I missed hanging out with him (that’s not code for sex, I really do like hanging out with him) and I liked him, and I have been my sweet self this whole time but can I turn it around and start playing hard to get, or is it too late? I really want to try this out, it’s not often that I have a guy begging to date me……..actually it’s never happened. How bad is that?

I think I only know how to be nice, sweet, caring, funny, and thoughtful, not sexy, mysterious or “play it cool”. What’s the point I feel to be all of those things that I’m not, it’s not in me, also it would be a game and I for sure don’t like people playing games on me and for someone who is big on Karma I think it would maybe bite me in the ass later. But maybe I push that aside? Fuck Karma and just go for it? Oh I’m all confused; I just realized something about myself from a shallow movie that I hate to admit, liked!! I’m always chasseing the dude as if this is going to be the last guy that is ever going to like me ever again, when I know this is so not true, did you read Monthly Man, I have been getting laid every month!! So why do I do it? I need to do something that will at all times remind me that guys should be chasseing me not the other way around because that’s how it should be damit!!!

90's are back!

It should have been a light bulb moment for me when the plaid shirts were popping up and hints of Dr. Martens were being spotted here and there but nothing has confirmed that the 90's are back like the movie that will be coming out next year called "Notorious". Yes folks, Notorious B.I.G., it will be a movie about his life and everyone around him that was in it, I for sure will be checking out this film and expecting it to make me feel old! I also hope they do a good job on the Little Kim charter because who doesn't love her!!

When i saw the trailer, i thought "holy shit, the 90's are back" then i flipped to VH1 and what was playing "Dangerous Minds", do you remember the song??!! I'm okay if the 90's come back, well some of, if scrunchies become popular again I might die, and if really really really saggy jeans (even though at the time I thought that look looked hot on guys), exposing of the naval I will not be happy with because you know their are the women who are going to do it who shouldn't!! But the music, now the music can all come back, everything, all of it, grunge to hip hop, i welcome you!!

"If you don't know, now you know."

The Tree

I'm stuck at home with a cold, and last night i didn't sleep at all, but finally today my body wanted a nap after lunch (chicken noodle soup). My nap only lasted an hour. As i was laying in bed trying to go back to sleep i herd some very odd noises in my backyard, i got out of bed and pulled my roman blinds up and what do i see, men across the fence cutting/chopping/pulling down branches down from "The Tree". I call it "The Tree" because this tree as been my friend and foe growing up. When we would get crazy whined storms at night or during the day i would worry that this tree would come crashing down in my room and that would be the end of me! The friend part has been when i stare out my window for peace of mind, because I'm sad, or i just want to look at something that's so big and beautiful but yet in such a small area; it always seems to be there for me. I love trees, and as i was watching these men out my window taking down some of the branches i thought "would i miss this tree?". Yes i would, what would i have to stare at when I'm sad? I'm really hoping that they are only going to take down the dead branches and not the whole tree its self, life lives in that tree, even though i find birds very annoying, Crows mostly, but that's a home! As our world is becoming more and more sick, cutting down a tree would be very sad, but if so i hope they plant a new one or at least have a bird person come out and make sure all the birds are out of the tree. I'm crossing my fingers they are only taking down branches!

This blog reminded me of a book a loved as a child, i still love this story even though this book has very little to do with what this blog is about but for those who do not know about this story, well, you should!! The Giving Tree.