2 dates in one night!

To start this amazing story off I must say a few words first!! I’m not proud of what I did but I’m a firm believer on doing things that make you happy or put some excitement in your life, as long as you’re not hurting anyone, this case I might have hurt the trust of some of my friends. I’m a little worried, I’m not a liar, I look at this as something I wanted to do and didn’t feel like telling anyone about it, until now!

Everyone wanted to do something on Fri, I wanted to stay in and work on my paper, but I had been talking with this guy for a while and we thought it was time to hang out. I met him on CL and this will be my last time doing this (this is only my second time). When we talked on the phone things were good, when we talked on IM things were good, but then when we met up things went bad! We met down town, the weather was awesome to just walk around and talk, after I think about an hour and half of talking we diced to head over to the Mission to have a drink, big mistake, all the bars were packed so we brown bagged it. We took our beer to Dolores Park and sat in the tennis courts, I had some bud on me from the night before and asked him if he would like some, “sure”, it doesn’t take much for me to get high and in this situation this was a very good thing! I’m sitting on this bench with him and he’s talking, and talking, and talking and I realize as I’m very high, this dude has never asked me any questions about myself, he has called me neurotic, has talked about how “skinny” I am and hasn’t really talked about anything positive! After this realization I wanted this night to end NOW!! In a wish answered he looked at his phone for the time and said he should start heading back to Bart, I walked with him and we gave each other a hug and said good bye. As he went down the stars I threw the rest of my beer away and stood on the corner on 16th and Mission for a second (not the best area or idea for a lady who is by herself at night) anyway, I’m standing there feeling drained and going back and forth if I want to call someone or just catch a cab and go home, the hand reached into my bag and I called my brother and I think that was best thing I did that night!

My brother picks up, I ask him “where are you?” he says “I’m at Dolores Park drinking with my friends” I said “ I was just there, now I’m over by 16th and Mission, I was just on a really bad date” he says “meet me in front of the Roxie and I’ll come get you!”. We meet up and start walking towards Delirium (can’t stand that bar) he says some of his friends are inside and he wants me to meet them, we go in meet these 2 girls, who are nice, one of them starts to feel sick so we go back outside and I start talking with the girl who feels sick; then I notice in the corner of my eye my brother is talking to some dude. I turn around and he introduces me to “messenger boy”, this guy is drunk and stoned off his ass but is able to keep his shit together. I don’t remember how it happened but we just started talking as if we knew each other forever. I told him I just came from a bad date and my brother rescued me, he brings up on how dates are hard for people sometimes, then I ask what are dudes thinking on dates he replies with the best answer “ we just want to get into your pants” and I reply “keep it honest, I like it” he smiles. Change of topic, he goes into parse of my brother and brings up I think the best book EVER for little boys Ferdinand the Bull, that was my brothers favorite book as a little boy. Ferdinand didn’t want to fight like all the other bulls, he was just wanted to chill under the cork tree and smell the flowers, “messenger boy” said he just wants to love and be chill, then he asked me would I like to hear him play the harmonica, I said yes!! He played and played and played and at this point I was putty in this dudes hands. I love the harmonica, it has a beautiful sound. After he was done, we decide to go hang out at DP, but we didn’t end up at the park, we chilled at some school over by 16th and Church. As we were walking he said “I want to get to know you, and I might want to kiss you a little” I replied “If you play your cards right”, he laughed. We talked for a while, kissed, played his harmonica and then he asked if I wanted to go back to his place, he would drive me home as early as I wanted to leave, I had a family thing I HAD to go to at 11am the nest day! We took a taxi to his place, he ended up knowing the taxi driver (the whole night people kept yelling out his name and saying hi, this guy knows everyone!). We get to his place and……….well we all know what happened! Next morning we wake up and start talking and he says “I’m going to take care of you real nice” I laughed, no guy has ever said anything like that to me before, honestly I have never met a guy like him and I have been on A LOT of dates. He drove me home, gave me a big fat long kiss and said he would call me the next day when he got back from his mini trip to so cal.

That was one crazy night, but if I had to do it all over again I would have, it was so worth it!!

I’ll keep you posted if he calls!

Lie

My thumbs twiddle, healed back with words, always hungry but the kitchen is too small for two, you poison her mind with untrue thoughts while it makes you feel better for a second from your bitter childhood, she is the one who had the worst upbringing, you didn’t have a mother who got paid by a man up the block to molest you and your brother because your family was so hungry for money, I look at her in awe and I look at you as a poor sad bitter jerk , your children walk around on egg shells because one false move and the earth will split into two, your lips tighten up like a baby not wanting to open his mouth for medicine, shame on you, sometimes I wish you would take it to the extreme so I could yell at you and tell you what I really think of you and hope I would make you so mad you would take a swing at me so then I could call the cops and that would be the end of you, what would I miss? Can’t think of a dam thing, awkward with hugs and affection, you never hold your wife’s hand, so worried what other people might think of us or what we have so we have to keep things hush hush, if it was up to me, id have all the riches shine, show it all off, tell them all, what would happen? Would you freak out? Good, freak out, drive yourself crazy, you are already, I here you whisper to yourself all the time, sometimes I can make what you say and its crazy talk other times you make it to faint, if she dies before you I’m not going to feel sorry for you, I’m going to feel sorry for her, she wasn’t able to enjoy a few years without your bitter ass, but isn’t that how it goes the good die first and the mean have to suffer, just like your mother? When I’m on my own and don’t need a dime from you, I’ll speak me my mind and let the whole world know who you really are. Kind sweet man is all a lie.

Beyond myself, somewhere I wait for my arrival.

I had been meaning to get to the meaning of my title of my blog for a long time now, but better now than later, right?

It was about a year ago and I was taking an English class that made me want to kill myself, 3 days a week I would drag my ass into class, sit down and ask myself every time “why the fuck am I here?” Then I would tell myself each time “you’re here because you need to pass this class really bad so you can move on to the next class, and the next English class will be your last one, so let’s stick this out!” Words of encouragement and having an awesome tutor helped a lot! I did pass this class and moved on to the next one and passed that one as well!!

In this awful English class we had to read this very depressing/erotic book titled House of Sand and Fog, the movie is way less depressing and way less erotic then in the book. Anyways when you open the book and pass a few pages in it has the little poem/saying? That the author has put in the book and I really liked it. I felt it spoke to my beliefs on life, in always striving to be better, trying to always look ahead and never look back, but if you do to only look for past experiences and wisdom for yourself. The poem/saying is by Octavio Paz who is a Mexican poet (this poem/saying comes from The Balcony, and was really hard to find on the web, so if you find it for me, you win a cookie!). I feel that beyond myself my “arrival” is just chillin and waiting for me to finish all the little hurtles in life so when I do achieve my “arrival” I will feel I have earned it well and the “somewhere” part, who knows if SF is really where I’m going to find my “arrival”, but I know this the day it happens I will know and I know it’s going to be awesome!

Small World

This city is really small, I have herd so many people saying this and I never really realized it up until tonight, someone knows someone who knows me! Now I need to start thinking how do I feel about this?

Sourpuss

I’m so bitter and sour that if I lived in a cartoon world my face would like I just popped a Warhead in my mouth. Could this be from monthly mood swings or big disappointments from others? I think it’s both. Sometimes I feel I give and give and give and I don’t really get it back in the way I should. I’m not looking for an “all hale Terese, you are the awesome one” fuck that……….how about surprising me? Making me feel that I am truly appreciated, because telling me I’m great and all that jazz only goes so far and then becomes old, (also on a side note I kind of don’t really like people telling me how wonderful I am because it makes me very uncomfortable).

Even though I don’t like being in a state of sourness it does make me think in how can I better the situation for me? I know I’m going to look like a hypocrite for saying this because of my last blog but I think I might want a man in my life. As everyone is off doing their own thing and I have a weekend were I find myself stuck at home singing “nobody likes me……” that won’t happen anymore if I have one of them things called a “man”.

Is this all very conceded?

Fuck it, this is my blog after all, and I’m going to express how I feel DAMIT!!

Maybe a dude in my life wouldn’t be so bad after all, also maybe turning a new leaf in my life is a good idea as well. So I guess this means I might have to take down the wall a few bricks and smile more often..........this is going to be tuff!

Jaded Heart

“I’m in love with another woman”, love? As Tina would say “what’s love got to do with it”, seriously what do you say to something like that? I wasn’t looking for love; I was looking for honesty and respect! So did you sleep with me so you could get back at her because she doesn’t like you the way you wish she would? Did it make you feel better about yourself? I wonder for how long that was……….i hope it was as long as your orgasm! “Your ass is hot, your body is like a model” I should really listen more to that voice in my head telling me “do not trust anything they tell you”. My heart is already damaged; it’s black and cold for love. Did you know this about me? And if so, why do what you did? If anything it’s now made things worse! I will now use your sex like you use mine, I will now tell your sex all the things that men love to hear and every word of it will be a lie just so I can get some dick. When a guy tells me he’s been hurt time after time again by women I will turn the other cheek and make you believe that I’m “different from the others”. We will never be friends, but I’ll pretend just for the fun of it.

Am I that ugly? Did you think I knew this so that’s why you called me hot because you knew that word score nicely for you? What makes you better than me? No one is better than anyone, but for sure some people have more class then others and you my “friend” are a classes selfish jerk, but I’ll take notes from your work and use it and it won’t look classes at all if anything it will look a game well played!

Sometimes

Sometimes it gets too heavy, sometimes I want to throw up, sometimes I want to stay in bed all day and all night hoping my body will not get antsy to want to get out, sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I wish people would could really see who I truly am, sometimes I regret the things I do and say, sometimes I wish I wasn’t sexual, sometimes being numb is nice, sometimes feeling is overwhelming, sometimes I think I’m a joke, sometimes I’m hopeless, sometimes no matter how long I’ve been the shower I just can’t wash away the mess I made for myself, sometimes I’m a shit talker, sometimes it would be better if it just all went to hell, sometimes I can’t save myself, sometimes I like to make drama, sometimes I just want beer for dinner, sometimes I want to punch something but I know I will hurt my hand, sometimes I do too much, sometimes I’m sick of myself, sometimes I watch porn, sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t look like its ever going to happen, sometimes I get jealous, sometimes I get lonely, sometimes I feel stupid, sometimes I wish people would really say what they want to say to me, sometimes I worry about losing all of my friends, sometimes I think guys are the worst and best creation ever, sometimes I want to be famous, sometimes I want to scream, sometimes I want a tattoo, sometimes I think I’m cooler than everyone else, sometimes I want to shave my head, sometimes it really hurts, sometimes the worrying is worrying, sometimes having a vagina sucks, sometimes I feel very alone, sometimes no one understands me, sometimes eating is therapy, sometimes I feel I’m missing out on life, sometimes I don’t think I’m good enough, sometimes I feel I’m gross, sometimes I think I’m hot shit, sometimes I strut the down the street, sometimes I watch TV. all almost all day, sometimes i want to be in a relationship, sometimes i want to drive and see where i end up, sometimes i get really shy, sometimes...................

My Father

I love my father very much even though I think he is a very odd man. Odd such as this is a man who combines all of the breakfast cereals into one bowel, who puts cheese in his rice, saves the zip lock bags, has every plastic container to hold any kind of food you could think of, little notes taped around the house to remind himself of things, talks to himself in the shower and will stand in the kitchen just for the hell of it.

What brought this on was, he has been building this shied to put in the backyard for his tools and such, he’s been building it in the garage, my mother can’t stand it she tells me she can’t take her naps on the weekends because he’s making noise in the garage. He has notes on each piece of wood and he has tape on the floor for I guess to help him out with the floor pieces. Am I mean or should I give credit to a man who is highly organized? The man saves everything, even food! My father bought a dehydrator a few years back and he’s in love with this thing, my mother doesn’t understand were all the food goes because he never shares it with her, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has the dried food in a box saving it for some world destruction………well if we ever have one you know who’s house you can hit up for food, dried food, but it’ll be food!

My father’s childhood was not a very happy one but wasn’t bad either. My grandparents fought all the time, it was an arranged marriage, can you blame them? He doesn’t do well with arguments, he blows up like a 2yr old because he bottles everything up inside, I’m not sure if he knows how he acts is not normal or healthy? Besides this entire he is a good man, he has always been there for me and has provided everything I have ever needed in my life and that’s something to say for, some people didn’t/don’t have a father in their life or they did but he wasn’t around very much, or was a total jerk. Some women say they would like to meet a man like their father, being that I don’t want to get married I won’t be searching for a man like my father, but dating wise I would like a man to have the most important quality that my father has and that is to be there for me always. And if this guy never pops up in my life I will always have my odd father to count on.

I beg you, please leave me alone!

Women, the sex I know everything about but at the same time no nothing about. From pre-school to now I have never had a good relationship with women, I think jealously has played a big roll and I feel like they think I do it on purpose. For the record I don’t care how conceded this is all going to turn out! I have reached the icing on the cake of my pet peeve and I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to allow it to go on without feelings getting hurt. What has brought this on; I received news that my neighbor from across the fence of my parent’s house will be attending a family gathering that I will be going to in the next few days. I hate this woman to the core of existence; from day one she has made comments to me or about me as if I’m this “thing” in the room that has no feelings. She came over to my birthday party that I thought was only going to be just family, and right when she came in the door “Hello birthday girl, gosh look how skinny you are” then she turns to my aunt and starts talking about me as if I’m not in the room,”look how skinny she is, I wish I had her figure, she looks kind of pale, her hair cut is so fashionable”. My biggest pet peeve is people saying things about me on how I look and dress, I can’t stand it, I wish it would stop I really really really do. I wish I could walk into a room have no one say anything to me, sometimes I feel my own mother is jealous of me, she sometimes says “I wish I could wear an outfit like that, I used to when I was your age”. Lately I have been wondering if I could gain like 100lbs and stop primping myself and wore awful cloths maybe women would stop saying things about me or to me. The mother of the little boy I babysit for, says something to me everyday “if I had your body things would be easy” so being skinny solves all the world’s problems? ALL OF YOU………..FUCK OFF!!!!!!!! I don’t compliment women unless I really mean it, and it’s not often that I do. I also don’t think I’m that skinny, but then again I don’t see what everyone sees, I’ll never forget I was sleeping with this guy and after we were done having sex and we were putting our cloths back on he stopped for a second and said “girls must be jealous of your body” I didn’t know what to say so I just gave a little laugh. I promise from the bottom of my heart I don’t try to make other women feel threatened or jealous, I don’t see what they see, the only thing I see is me, Terese a young woman would like to be left alone, but if you feel the need to say something about me, just ask “how are you” instead of “I wish I had your figure”; that would make me feel normal and excepted by the sex that I should be able to get along with the most. A side from all of this, I love myself very much but the comments that drive me crazy makes it very easy to dislike myself and want to change so I can be left alone and not looked at. We all want what we can’t have, I would love to be taller, I wish I had beautiful skin, I wish I had manageable hair, I wish I was good at math……….the list could go on. I just want to have a normal, none threatening, none jealousy relationship with women, is that so hard to ask for?

The Quarter Life

I had been dreading it all of June and July I was not looking forward to turning 25 but then August came and my birthday weekend began. August 1 was Midnight Mass with Peaches Christ watching Purple Rain with my friends, then August 2nd was dinner with the family and August 3rd was the big day, I requested a BBQ at my guy friend’s house. It was I think the best birthday I have ever had, NO, it was perfect, good food, good booze and good friends is really all you need to have a perfect party!

Is it too early to say that I feel different already? I’m going to say so “no”. For sure I feel older, a little bit more mature, studding my aging process, watching the grays come in and then plucking them out one by one and trying not to forget to apply the eye cream hoping that the lines that I have will be less noticeable then yesterday; it’s like a different kind of puberty. In some way I feel I’m in a rush to finish out all the stupid things you can get away with when you’re in your 20’s but at the same time I don’t feel rushed. I know I have calmed down a lot over the years and I’m really proud about that, I used to be such an uptight nerdy prude, I guess a little sex and pot over the years calms you down and you learn to not be so uptight about the small stuff.

At the BBQ I had all the people who were over 25 tell me in a few words what was being 25 for them like, mind you I don’t remember all of them I was for sure drunk for this hallmark moment. I remember one girl said she leaned “Men sucked” but in a good way, some other girl said hers “sucked” and the last lady said “just stay wasted” she didn’t remember her 25th year very much, so she thought she must have had a good time. I’m very curious to find out what this year will hold for me, I really hope it will be a goal archiving year if anything. ;my birthday horoscope said I will be very goal productive this year, so maybe my wish will come true.