What's Wrong With Me?

Who made me this shit talker but really turns out to be nervous Nelly!! I don’t get it, I’m the biggest loser…….I feel like I am, I know I’m not but that’s how I feel!!

I went to the doctor last week and she like all the rest of them has asked if I have ever had any sexual abuse. Like a broken record, I say” no, I’m just a nervous person, I also have trust issues and from a child I have always been weird with people touching me.” On the drive home I started to have flash backs of when I was little, I remember someone putting me into a closet and holding the handle, I remember it being very dark and screaming to come out; I also remember being at my aunt and uncles house and hanging out in one of my cousins rooms and a friend of one of my cousins “play” strangling me on the bed, I think I was maybe 5, I remember he really scared me and there were wire hangers poking me from underneath. Could this be why who I am? There are many other scary stories, but could they all play a big role in the type of person of who I am today? I’m really worried about this, I have been having some anxiety lately over very silly things and originally I would only have anxiety attacks or panic attacks when I would see a women giving birth on T.V, now it’s over weird smells on Muni or not finding the car and thinking it got toad! What is wrong with me? I should stay in tuned with myself more and see if this is just a PMS thing because if it is then maybe it’s not a big deal, or is it? Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, why can’t we have all the answers about ourselves????? And my dreams these past 2 weeks have been bad too, birds wearing masks who talk to me, telling me I need to be careful, the other night it was about our new president and he was going to take this little girl away from me to lock her up and I stopped him and then somehow I get told my name was put on a list by the FBI and now they were looking for me to kill me! Going back to the doctor thing, she also brought up my future and asked if I ever thought of having children and I said “no, I don’t want to have children, I take care of kids, that’s enough for me”, she seemed to be fine with my answer but not at the same time, I told her it’s not important to me but if I change my mind I have always thought of adopting even when I was a little girl, she smiled and said “that’s a another option” .

Flashbacks of my scary moments of my childhood was not the only thing I thought about that day on the drive home from the doctors, I thought about marriage as well. I have only met 2 guys so far who are comfortable enough with themselves that not having their own offspring is fine with them, it’s not important. Only 2 though!! So are my chances of when the time comes when I’m going to want to truly be with a guy in a very serious relationship the odds of him being okay with not having kids or adopting is very slim? If so this scares me! I’m someone who likes to be alone, I go see movies by myself, I prefer to go shopping by myself and some weekends I just want to hang out with me, but a quote best said by one of my admirers best puts it, “I don’t want to be alone, I just want to be left alone”(Audrey Hepburn). It’s really hard to separate from what is wrong and what is right when it comes to how you feel about cretin things in life when the majority rules you out. So I ask again, what’s wrong with me?

My Monthly Man

During summer I was seeing a boy (I'm calling him a boy because he was younger then me, but not too young, by 3 years) who was very sweet but a little needy for me and also had a little bit of a problem in the bed room. For 3 months that we went out we only had sex twice! My kind heart couldn't take it anymore so in the middle of August i said,"Good bye" and decided to set a personal goal for myself; I was going to try to see if I could get laid once a month! My male friends said this would be very easy to do, I wasn't so sure but now that its December and looking back at the 3 months, um well.........yea it has been easy! No technique was involved, I was myself the whole time. But now I'm having a change of thought, as all of this has been fun I'm not sure if my self worth or my vagina is letting me know,"lets take a break for a while". Taking a break, I'm fine with, but I don't want my break to go on for to long, I have gone for a year with no sex once and I don't ever want to do that EVER again, maybe just this month? I do have a lot of things going on this month, I'm taking a trip right after the new year and I need to start getting ready for that, plus the trip is a cruise and from what I have herd its very easy to get laid on a cruise ship! I think also all the guys that I slept with none of them charmed me like Messenger Boy and being that we haven't spoke sense Thanksgiving could also be apart of this feeling I have. I don't know if I would call it being jaded or burnt out, I didn't "love" him, but he was a cool guy to hang out with and if we still hung out then he would be my Mr. December man, when really he should only be my Mr. November man!

I think I'm going to keep this idea, no sex this month, just work, work, work and focus on my trip and have fun with friends and family and then get back to my monthly lay in January!

He Called.

Messenger Boy called like he said he would and we saw each other that night, we had a “talk”. Any kind of “talk” is never really good but then it is, things always need to bed said in life, people need to know where they stand with others and in life so the “talk” can be useful. But then there is the not so useful part, all the stuff that the person has to say because most of it is stuff you don’t want to hear, like what Messenger Boy had to say! I realized after we talked that this guy I think is a little confused in the brain, says one thing then turns around and says or feels something else, WTF!!!

The first night I slept over at his place the next morning he said “I’m going to take care of you real good, you’re going to hang out with me”, now call me crazy but I would think anyone, not just women, ANYONE, would think that that means your dating, no? Like “I want to be your boyfriend/girlfriend”, because what else does that mean? In Messenger Boys head/world it means different, I’m a fuck buddy who he is going to be real nice to! Thanks Messenger Boy, thanks! I was always looking for a fuck buddy who was going to take care of me “real nice”……….GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

I don’t have a problem being a fuck buddy, I do have a problem with the fact that I kind of like this guy and it disturbs me. He is for sure someone that my parents would die and roll over in their grave for not to mention the rest of my concretive family, not that what they think matters at all, this is more to maybe give you an idea of what I’m dealing with. He’s a “bad boy” and as I look back at all the guys I have dated I think he might be the “badest” of them all. I’m like Duchess and he’s like O’Malley from The AristoCats .The topic of why women like the “bad boy” has been going on for years, I can answer this for my own personal feelings on why I like them, THEY ARE INTERESTING!!! I get so board easy and I have a personality that can easily walk all over a dude if he’s too soft. What I don’t get is I don’t go out of my way to look for him, or do I unknowing? I think when I reach my 30’s and I’m still going out with dudes who are like this then for sure I have a problem, I have 5 more years to craft the “no more dating or fucking bad boys” right? Ugh!

I know I deserve so much better, but I guess I let this go on because it puts some excitement into my life, and getting laid is always nice!

Not related to anything I write about!!

I'm not computer smart at all, so I apologize for having some things set up the way they did (i didn't know how to find them) like only letting people who are apart of blogspot comment, I want everyone to feel free to comment! As you can see i have made some changes, I'm not sure how i like the new look, it might stay or it might go, I want to add more pictures but don't know how to yet.I know I'll figure this out at some point.

2 dates in one night!

To start this amazing story off I must say a few words first!! I’m not proud of what I did but I’m a firm believer on doing things that make you happy or put some excitement in your life, as long as you’re not hurting anyone, this case I might have hurt the trust of some of my friends. I’m a little worried, I’m not a liar, I look at this as something I wanted to do and didn’t feel like telling anyone about it, until now!

Everyone wanted to do something on Fri, I wanted to stay in and work on my paper, but I had been talking with this guy for a while and we thought it was time to hang out. I met him on CL and this will be my last time doing this (this is only my second time). When we talked on the phone things were good, when we talked on IM things were good, but then when we met up things went bad! We met down town, the weather was awesome to just walk around and talk, after I think about an hour and half of talking we diced to head over to the Mission to have a drink, big mistake, all the bars were packed so we brown bagged it. We took our beer to Dolores Park and sat in the tennis courts, I had some bud on me from the night before and asked him if he would like some, “sure”, it doesn’t take much for me to get high and in this situation this was a very good thing! I’m sitting on this bench with him and he’s talking, and talking, and talking and I realize as I’m very high, this dude has never asked me any questions about myself, he has called me neurotic, has talked about how “skinny” I am and hasn’t really talked about anything positive! After this realization I wanted this night to end NOW!! In a wish answered he looked at his phone for the time and said he should start heading back to Bart, I walked with him and we gave each other a hug and said good bye. As he went down the stars I threw the rest of my beer away and stood on the corner on 16th and Mission for a second (not the best area or idea for a lady who is by herself at night) anyway, I’m standing there feeling drained and going back and forth if I want to call someone or just catch a cab and go home, the hand reached into my bag and I called my brother and I think that was best thing I did that night!

My brother picks up, I ask him “where are you?” he says “I’m at Dolores Park drinking with my friends” I said “ I was just there, now I’m over by 16th and Mission, I was just on a really bad date” he says “meet me in front of the Roxie and I’ll come get you!”. We meet up and start walking towards Delirium (can’t stand that bar) he says some of his friends are inside and he wants me to meet them, we go in meet these 2 girls, who are nice, one of them starts to feel sick so we go back outside and I start talking with the girl who feels sick; then I notice in the corner of my eye my brother is talking to some dude. I turn around and he introduces me to “messenger boy”, this guy is drunk and stoned off his ass but is able to keep his shit together. I don’t remember how it happened but we just started talking as if we knew each other forever. I told him I just came from a bad date and my brother rescued me, he brings up on how dates are hard for people sometimes, then I ask what are dudes thinking on dates he replies with the best answer “ we just want to get into your pants” and I reply “keep it honest, I like it” he smiles. Change of topic, he goes into parse of my brother and brings up I think the best book EVER for little boys Ferdinand the Bull, that was my brothers favorite book as a little boy. Ferdinand didn’t want to fight like all the other bulls, he was just wanted to chill under the cork tree and smell the flowers, “messenger boy” said he just wants to love and be chill, then he asked me would I like to hear him play the harmonica, I said yes!! He played and played and played and at this point I was putty in this dudes hands. I love the harmonica, it has a beautiful sound. After he was done, we decide to go hang out at DP, but we didn’t end up at the park, we chilled at some school over by 16th and Church. As we were walking he said “I want to get to know you, and I might want to kiss you a little” I replied “If you play your cards right”, he laughed. We talked for a while, kissed, played his harmonica and then he asked if I wanted to go back to his place, he would drive me home as early as I wanted to leave, I had a family thing I HAD to go to at 11am the nest day! We took a taxi to his place, he ended up knowing the taxi driver (the whole night people kept yelling out his name and saying hi, this guy knows everyone!). We get to his place and……….well we all know what happened! Next morning we wake up and start talking and he says “I’m going to take care of you real nice” I laughed, no guy has ever said anything like that to me before, honestly I have never met a guy like him and I have been on A LOT of dates. He drove me home, gave me a big fat long kiss and said he would call me the next day when he got back from his mini trip to so cal.

That was one crazy night, but if I had to do it all over again I would have, it was so worth it!!

I’ll keep you posted if he calls!

Lie

My thumbs twiddle, healed back with words, always hungry but the kitchen is too small for two, you poison her mind with untrue thoughts while it makes you feel better for a second from your bitter childhood, she is the one who had the worst upbringing, you didn’t have a mother who got paid by a man up the block to molest you and your brother because your family was so hungry for money, I look at her in awe and I look at you as a poor sad bitter jerk , your children walk around on egg shells because one false move and the earth will split into two, your lips tighten up like a baby not wanting to open his mouth for medicine, shame on you, sometimes I wish you would take it to the extreme so I could yell at you and tell you what I really think of you and hope I would make you so mad you would take a swing at me so then I could call the cops and that would be the end of you, what would I miss? Can’t think of a dam thing, awkward with hugs and affection, you never hold your wife’s hand, so worried what other people might think of us or what we have so we have to keep things hush hush, if it was up to me, id have all the riches shine, show it all off, tell them all, what would happen? Would you freak out? Good, freak out, drive yourself crazy, you are already, I here you whisper to yourself all the time, sometimes I can make what you say and its crazy talk other times you make it to faint, if she dies before you I’m not going to feel sorry for you, I’m going to feel sorry for her, she wasn’t able to enjoy a few years without your bitter ass, but isn’t that how it goes the good die first and the mean have to suffer, just like your mother? When I’m on my own and don’t need a dime from you, I’ll speak me my mind and let the whole world know who you really are. Kind sweet man is all a lie.

Beyond myself, somewhere I wait for my arrival.

I had been meaning to get to the meaning of my title of my blog for a long time now, but better now than later, right?

It was about a year ago and I was taking an English class that made me want to kill myself, 3 days a week I would drag my ass into class, sit down and ask myself every time “why the fuck am I here?” Then I would tell myself each time “you’re here because you need to pass this class really bad so you can move on to the next class, and the next English class will be your last one, so let’s stick this out!” Words of encouragement and having an awesome tutor helped a lot! I did pass this class and moved on to the next one and passed that one as well!!

In this awful English class we had to read this very depressing/erotic book titled House of Sand and Fog, the movie is way less depressing and way less erotic then in the book. Anyways when you open the book and pass a few pages in it has the little poem/saying? That the author has put in the book and I really liked it. I felt it spoke to my beliefs on life, in always striving to be better, trying to always look ahead and never look back, but if you do to only look for past experiences and wisdom for yourself. The poem/saying is by Octavio Paz who is a Mexican poet (this poem/saying comes from The Balcony, and was really hard to find on the web, so if you find it for me, you win a cookie!). I feel that beyond myself my “arrival” is just chillin and waiting for me to finish all the little hurtles in life so when I do achieve my “arrival” I will feel I have earned it well and the “somewhere” part, who knows if SF is really where I’m going to find my “arrival”, but I know this the day it happens I will know and I know it’s going to be awesome!

Small World

This city is really small, I have herd so many people saying this and I never really realized it up until tonight, someone knows someone who knows me! Now I need to start thinking how do I feel about this?

Sourpuss

I’m so bitter and sour that if I lived in a cartoon world my face would like I just popped a Warhead in my mouth. Could this be from monthly mood swings or big disappointments from others? I think it’s both. Sometimes I feel I give and give and give and I don’t really get it back in the way I should. I’m not looking for an “all hale Terese, you are the awesome one” fuck that……….how about surprising me? Making me feel that I am truly appreciated, because telling me I’m great and all that jazz only goes so far and then becomes old, (also on a side note I kind of don’t really like people telling me how wonderful I am because it makes me very uncomfortable).

Even though I don’t like being in a state of sourness it does make me think in how can I better the situation for me? I know I’m going to look like a hypocrite for saying this because of my last blog but I think I might want a man in my life. As everyone is off doing their own thing and I have a weekend were I find myself stuck at home singing “nobody likes me……” that won’t happen anymore if I have one of them things called a “man”.

Is this all very conceded?

Fuck it, this is my blog after all, and I’m going to express how I feel DAMIT!!

Maybe a dude in my life wouldn’t be so bad after all, also maybe turning a new leaf in my life is a good idea as well. So I guess this means I might have to take down the wall a few bricks and smile more often..........this is going to be tuff!

Jaded Heart

“I’m in love with another woman”, love? As Tina would say “what’s love got to do with it”, seriously what do you say to something like that? I wasn’t looking for love; I was looking for honesty and respect! So did you sleep with me so you could get back at her because she doesn’t like you the way you wish she would? Did it make you feel better about yourself? I wonder for how long that was……….i hope it was as long as your orgasm! “Your ass is hot, your body is like a model” I should really listen more to that voice in my head telling me “do not trust anything they tell you”. My heart is already damaged; it’s black and cold for love. Did you know this about me? And if so, why do what you did? If anything it’s now made things worse! I will now use your sex like you use mine, I will now tell your sex all the things that men love to hear and every word of it will be a lie just so I can get some dick. When a guy tells me he’s been hurt time after time again by women I will turn the other cheek and make you believe that I’m “different from the others”. We will never be friends, but I’ll pretend just for the fun of it.

Am I that ugly? Did you think I knew this so that’s why you called me hot because you knew that word score nicely for you? What makes you better than me? No one is better than anyone, but for sure some people have more class then others and you my “friend” are a classes selfish jerk, but I’ll take notes from your work and use it and it won’t look classes at all if anything it will look a game well played!