Sourpuss

I’m so bitter and sour that if I lived in a cartoon world my face would like I just popped a Warhead in my mouth. Could this be from monthly mood swings or big disappointments from others? I think it’s both. Sometimes I feel I give and give and give and I don’t really get it back in the way I should. I’m not looking for an “all hale Terese, you are the awesome one” fuck that……….how about surprising me? Making me feel that I am truly appreciated, because telling me I’m great and all that jazz only goes so far and then becomes old, (also on a side note I kind of don’t really like people telling me how wonderful I am because it makes me very uncomfortable).

Even though I don’t like being in a state of sourness it does make me think in how can I better the situation for me? I know I’m going to look like a hypocrite for saying this because of my last blog but I think I might want a man in my life. As everyone is off doing their own thing and I have a weekend were I find myself stuck at home singing “nobody likes me……” that won’t happen anymore if I have one of them things called a “man”.

Is this all very conceded?

Fuck it, this is my blog after all, and I’m going to express how I feel DAMIT!!

Maybe a dude in my life wouldn’t be so bad after all, also maybe turning a new leaf in my life is a good idea as well. So I guess this means I might have to take down the wall a few bricks and smile more often..........this is going to be tuff!

Jaded Heart

“I’m in love with another woman”, love? As Tina would say “what’s love got to do with it”, seriously what do you say to something like that? I wasn’t looking for love; I was looking for honesty and respect! So did you sleep with me so you could get back at her because she doesn’t like you the way you wish she would? Did it make you feel better about yourself? I wonder for how long that was……….i hope it was as long as your orgasm! “Your ass is hot, your body is like a model” I should really listen more to that voice in my head telling me “do not trust anything they tell you”. My heart is already damaged; it’s black and cold for love. Did you know this about me? And if so, why do what you did? If anything it’s now made things worse! I will now use your sex like you use mine, I will now tell your sex all the things that men love to hear and every word of it will be a lie just so I can get some dick. When a guy tells me he’s been hurt time after time again by women I will turn the other cheek and make you believe that I’m “different from the others”. We will never be friends, but I’ll pretend just for the fun of it.

Am I that ugly? Did you think I knew this so that’s why you called me hot because you knew that word score nicely for you? What makes you better than me? No one is better than anyone, but for sure some people have more class then others and you my “friend” are a classes selfish jerk, but I’ll take notes from your work and use it and it won’t look classes at all if anything it will look a game well played!

Sometimes

Sometimes it gets too heavy, sometimes I want to throw up, sometimes I want to stay in bed all day and all night hoping my body will not get antsy to want to get out, sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I wish people would could really see who I truly am, sometimes I regret the things I do and say, sometimes I wish I wasn’t sexual, sometimes being numb is nice, sometimes feeling is overwhelming, sometimes I think I’m a joke, sometimes I’m hopeless, sometimes no matter how long I’ve been the shower I just can’t wash away the mess I made for myself, sometimes I’m a shit talker, sometimes it would be better if it just all went to hell, sometimes I can’t save myself, sometimes I like to make drama, sometimes I just want beer for dinner, sometimes I want to punch something but I know I will hurt my hand, sometimes I do too much, sometimes I’m sick of myself, sometimes I watch porn, sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t look like its ever going to happen, sometimes I get jealous, sometimes I get lonely, sometimes I feel stupid, sometimes I wish people would really say what they want to say to me, sometimes I worry about losing all of my friends, sometimes I think guys are the worst and best creation ever, sometimes I want to be famous, sometimes I want to scream, sometimes I want a tattoo, sometimes I think I’m cooler than everyone else, sometimes I want to shave my head, sometimes it really hurts, sometimes the worrying is worrying, sometimes having a vagina sucks, sometimes I feel very alone, sometimes no one understands me, sometimes eating is therapy, sometimes I feel I’m missing out on life, sometimes I don’t think I’m good enough, sometimes I feel I’m gross, sometimes I think I’m hot shit, sometimes I strut the down the street, sometimes I watch TV. all almost all day, sometimes i want to be in a relationship, sometimes i want to drive and see where i end up, sometimes i get really shy, sometimes...................

My Father

I love my father very much even though I think he is a very odd man. Odd such as this is a man who combines all of the breakfast cereals into one bowel, who puts cheese in his rice, saves the zip lock bags, has every plastic container to hold any kind of food you could think of, little notes taped around the house to remind himself of things, talks to himself in the shower and will stand in the kitchen just for the hell of it.

What brought this on was, he has been building this shied to put in the backyard for his tools and such, he’s been building it in the garage, my mother can’t stand it she tells me she can’t take her naps on the weekends because he’s making noise in the garage. He has notes on each piece of wood and he has tape on the floor for I guess to help him out with the floor pieces. Am I mean or should I give credit to a man who is highly organized? The man saves everything, even food! My father bought a dehydrator a few years back and he’s in love with this thing, my mother doesn’t understand were all the food goes because he never shares it with her, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has the dried food in a box saving it for some world destruction………well if we ever have one you know who’s house you can hit up for food, dried food, but it’ll be food!

My father’s childhood was not a very happy one but wasn’t bad either. My grandparents fought all the time, it was an arranged marriage, can you blame them? He doesn’t do well with arguments, he blows up like a 2yr old because he bottles everything up inside, I’m not sure if he knows how he acts is not normal or healthy? Besides this entire he is a good man, he has always been there for me and has provided everything I have ever needed in my life and that’s something to say for, some people didn’t/don’t have a father in their life or they did but he wasn’t around very much, or was a total jerk. Some women say they would like to meet a man like their father, being that I don’t want to get married I won’t be searching for a man like my father, but dating wise I would like a man to have the most important quality that my father has and that is to be there for me always. And if this guy never pops up in my life I will always have my odd father to count on.

I beg you, please leave me alone!

Women, the sex I know everything about but at the same time no nothing about. From pre-school to now I have never had a good relationship with women, I think jealously has played a big roll and I feel like they think I do it on purpose. For the record I don’t care how conceded this is all going to turn out! I have reached the icing on the cake of my pet peeve and I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to allow it to go on without feelings getting hurt. What has brought this on; I received news that my neighbor from across the fence of my parent’s house will be attending a family gathering that I will be going to in the next few days. I hate this woman to the core of existence; from day one she has made comments to me or about me as if I’m this “thing” in the room that has no feelings. She came over to my birthday party that I thought was only going to be just family, and right when she came in the door “Hello birthday girl, gosh look how skinny you are” then she turns to my aunt and starts talking about me as if I’m not in the room,”look how skinny she is, I wish I had her figure, she looks kind of pale, her hair cut is so fashionable”. My biggest pet peeve is people saying things about me on how I look and dress, I can’t stand it, I wish it would stop I really really really do. I wish I could walk into a room have no one say anything to me, sometimes I feel my own mother is jealous of me, she sometimes says “I wish I could wear an outfit like that, I used to when I was your age”. Lately I have been wondering if I could gain like 100lbs and stop primping myself and wore awful cloths maybe women would stop saying things about me or to me. The mother of the little boy I babysit for, says something to me everyday “if I had your body things would be easy” so being skinny solves all the world’s problems? ALL OF YOU………..FUCK OFF!!!!!!!! I don’t compliment women unless I really mean it, and it’s not often that I do. I also don’t think I’m that skinny, but then again I don’t see what everyone sees, I’ll never forget I was sleeping with this guy and after we were done having sex and we were putting our cloths back on he stopped for a second and said “girls must be jealous of your body” I didn’t know what to say so I just gave a little laugh. I promise from the bottom of my heart I don’t try to make other women feel threatened or jealous, I don’t see what they see, the only thing I see is me, Terese a young woman would like to be left alone, but if you feel the need to say something about me, just ask “how are you” instead of “I wish I had your figure”; that would make me feel normal and excepted by the sex that I should be able to get along with the most. A side from all of this, I love myself very much but the comments that drive me crazy makes it very easy to dislike myself and want to change so I can be left alone and not looked at. We all want what we can’t have, I would love to be taller, I wish I had beautiful skin, I wish I had manageable hair, I wish I was good at math……….the list could go on. I just want to have a normal, none threatening, none jealousy relationship with women, is that so hard to ask for?

The Quarter Life

I had been dreading it all of June and July I was not looking forward to turning 25 but then August came and my birthday weekend began. August 1 was Midnight Mass with Peaches Christ watching Purple Rain with my friends, then August 2nd was dinner with the family and August 3rd was the big day, I requested a BBQ at my guy friend’s house. It was I think the best birthday I have ever had, NO, it was perfect, good food, good booze and good friends is really all you need to have a perfect party!

Is it too early to say that I feel different already? I’m going to say so “no”. For sure I feel older, a little bit more mature, studding my aging process, watching the grays come in and then plucking them out one by one and trying not to forget to apply the eye cream hoping that the lines that I have will be less noticeable then yesterday; it’s like a different kind of puberty. In some way I feel I’m in a rush to finish out all the stupid things you can get away with when you’re in your 20’s but at the same time I don’t feel rushed. I know I have calmed down a lot over the years and I’m really proud about that, I used to be such an uptight nerdy prude, I guess a little sex and pot over the years calms you down and you learn to not be so uptight about the small stuff.

At the BBQ I had all the people who were over 25 tell me in a few words what was being 25 for them like, mind you I don’t remember all of them I was for sure drunk for this hallmark moment. I remember one girl said she leaned “Men sucked” but in a good way, some other girl said hers “sucked” and the last lady said “just stay wasted” she didn’t remember her 25th year very much, so she thought she must have had a good time. I’m very curious to find out what this year will hold for me, I really hope it will be a goal archiving year if anything. ;my birthday horoscope said I will be very goal productive this year, so maybe my wish will come true.

Nightmare, R.I.P. “No Name” and the Bad Day

I was healed up by gun point, the guy wouldn’t let us go, somehow I text 911 for help and realize if the guy finds out that one of us called (text) for 911 he would shoot us all. We were being kept in a barn by a corn field, and then somehow again, I break free to run down to the path leading away from the barn to tell the police to turn off there sirens……….. and then I woke up.

Nightmares always disturb me, I wake up with my heart racing and I’m all clammy, it takes the rest of my morning to calm down and I analyze the crap out of why did I have a nightmare “what am I stressed about, what am I upset about?” .

Each morning 4 days a week I set my alarm for 6am, Alice 97.3 gets me up to start my day, Sara and No Name are my morning hosts. I’ve been an avid listener for a long time; I think I started when I was in 6th grade so 96-97? I went through the heartbreak of Vinnie being fired from the show because he just stopped showing up for work (so I heard) and I was pleased when they hired his replacement “No Name” .But this morning “No Name” was not on the air because I guess last Fri he said something about autistic children and this made parents who listen to the show who have autistic children very upset. Okay so I get it, I get annoyed and sometimes upset when I come across people who know nothing about dyslexia, but I try to keep in mind that there are a lot of ignorant people in this world and I can’t focus all of my energy with anger on them, it’s just not worth it. So to the parents out there thank you, thank you for firing “No Name” and being the bigger person and making a big deal out of something that all you could have just done was TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING RADIO!!!!!!! Now I have to go through I’m sure a month maybe ever longer of wondering who could ever fill “No Names” spot……….no one ever will. R.I.P “No Name” you will be missed :(

After my morning scare and loss, my day passed by surprisingly fast and before I knew it I was back home, but when I opened my computer to find that the one class I need to finish school has been CANCELED, well ladies and gents this bad news for sure has been the icing on the cake. Do know what this means? I have to find a class that’s not full (good luck for me)I also have to take this canceled class in the spring when I was planning of being done with school……….oh the tears are flowing. Why me, why me? All my little dreams are yet again put on hold, I might as well just stop having dreams at this point, it seems the powers may be have a different plan for me.

That "feeling"

I take care of a little boy during the week and I take him on little adventures. I like to take him to the places that I would go to as a child. The first place I took him was Children’s Playground in Golden Gate Park, I haven’t been there in a very long time and I think I was a little bit more excited to go then he was. When we arrived it was pure madness, apparently 10am at the park is the hot hour, I had never seen so many kids before. Anyways, all of the play structure has been changed the only thing that has been kept are the cement slides and marry go-round. A feeling I was used to was no longer there, was it because I’m all grown up now? My friend Miguel and I one day took the little guy to the Zoo. As a child my Dad loved to take my brother and I to the Zoo and I have wonderful memories of going. The foggy Sunset days, wearing my colorful jacket, having a coke and hot dog with my Dad and brother, my favorite spots were the petting area and wanting to see the Lyons at feeing time, good times. So my friend and I get the Zoo and before we even get in that feeling was no were to be found. The Zoo changed their entrance to the Zoo is not even the same, it reminded me of some theme park, and the layout was all different.

I think I should have known better, there comes a time when Christmas and Easter doesn’t feel the same anymore because you have reached an age in your life were I guess you could say the “magic” is gone. My brother and I would wake up 6 or 7 am Christmas morning to see what we got from Santa and then go wake up our parents. Now I just want to sleep in, I say “F” the gifts, if Santa hasn’t left me a billion dollar check I could care less about what’s under that tree. And Easter, I used to love Easter more than Christmas. My family and I would go to my Grandmas house and all the family would be there, my older cousins would hide the eggs for my brother and I and one of them would ring the door bell to pretend it was the Easter Bunny letting us know he came by and hid the eggs. I would always run to the door and open it hoping I would catch the Easter Bunny and I would remember I would get so upset every time for missing him. After the let down, we would all go outside and hunt for the eggs, it was a big deal when my brother and I would find the eggs with our name on them, “the Easter Bunny knows who I am!!”. Awww good times.

So now what? The joys I had when I was a child have been long gone, what makes me excited now? Well living in such a selfish world when anyone remembers or goes out of there way for me, I think it’s a big deal, like I won the lotto or something. Going to shows to see my favorite band or DJ play live is very exciting. Meeting someone new is also exciting, and if the date goes well that’s even more exciting………I could go on but I’ll stop. I can see that I have many things to be excited about, they might not give me that “feeling” like I had as a child and I guess that’s okay, but a part of me will always miss it.

Deal with it and make a change!

I am noticing more and more women my age or around my age and even younger, like teens and kids are extremely insecure and the level of insecurity is scary. I have my own insecurities but I don’t feel I carry the level that other women have. My own would be my skin and the way I dress and the statues of my life right now I feel is not up to par the way I feel it should be, other than that I think I’m all good.

This thought came across my mind as I was getting a taxi ride home from after attending my friend’s birthday. When I was thinking in the car of the list I hear young women talk about its scary, are there less and less girls being raised to think that “you” are the only person that matters and no one else counts? I know that sounds cheesy but its true. Who is a magazine, the media or anybody else to tell me how I have to be, look or act. Maybe this is easy for me to say because I don’t have anybody issues. I was teased heavily when I was younger for being too skinny but I never understood what the big deal was when I got teased. Then when I got into high school some of the girls would say things and I still didn’t get it. Now that I’m adult I get it now, they think because I’m skinny life if perfect for me. WRONG!!!!!!!! Do you know how self conscious I am, the last thing I want to do is make some other women feel intimidated that I think I’m hot shit because I have a better body then her. Almost every day someone (women mostly) say something about my body and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. What do you say to “God I wish I was skinny as you” WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT???? I never know how to react; I wish I could say “Please leave me alone”. My mother never talked about my body, really the only thing she said was “I was skinny just like you when I was young; it runs in the family, there is nothing you can do about it”. So, there is nothing I can do about it, I can’t change this to make other women feel comfortable and you know what I wouldn’t! I’m not going to change to make you feel more comfortable around me. If anything women and young girls need positive role models to teach them who they are matters and no one else. I know I’m really lucky to have and had amazing women in my life that have taught me it’s not healthy to obsess over things like this. Focusing on speaking your mind, being louder than the guys, educating yourself and the most important part BEING COMFORTABLE BEING BY YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! I bet if this way of thinking was instilled on young girls things would be so much different. You have to love yourself and you need to learn how to be comfortable with yourself, it’s the best gift you can ever give.

Lost and Robotic

Smashing bottles is all I can think about. I’m in a field and I’m stand at home plate, this guy throws me a 40oz empty bottle and I hit it with my aluminum bat, glass flying everywhere the frustration that has been built up inside of me has been released and it feels so good. This thought of action that I would like to partake in has worried me a bit but if I was punching my little fist into walls then for sure I would be worried (and in a lot of pain). I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week on why I have been so angry, and I finally boiled it down to that change has happened and an opportunity that I want to provide for myself to make a life of my own is not going to happen as soon as I was hoping for.

Change can be good, change can also suck. In my case, it sucks and it will always suck unless this situation goes back to normal……….fat chance. Then this making a life for myself, I guess that will just have to be put on hold and continue to put everyone else first. It’s so tempting to tell everyone to go fuck themselves. I have also been thinking of taking a week or 2 off from everyone, not hanging out with my friends, ect., enjoying some serious me time. I kind of feel lost and robotic and would like the feeling of “life is awesome” to come back, because I know this mind state that I’m in is not healthy. I can’t even nap!! And for those who know me, napping is very important to me.