Paranoia and Beyond

I get really paranoid sometimes about the most silly stuff, but maybe we all do? But sometimes i feel i take it to the next level, like i think beyond the issue and what could happen next or what the outcome could be, how's its going to effect myself and others in my life, i get to the point where i make myself go crazy i feel like. My biggest fears would be getting pregnant, getting an STD or worse HIV. If i got knocked up from some random dude, hands down abort would take place ASAP. If I got an STD, i would hope it would be one that is curable, but then i think what if i caught the one that wasn't? Like HPV/genital warts, I got the HPV shots last year (they really really hurt by the way) but i know it only covers so much, there are still other HPV various that the shot doesn't cover, and if i had a break out.....I think i would become very depressed, it doesn't take much, when it comes to my body I'm very sensitive. And how would i handle if i got HIV? For sure the same thing would happen but i think worse, I wouldn't blame my family if they had to send me to a mental institution. Am I a big baby for thinking these things? Lots of people say your teens are hard, but i disagree, i think your 20's are hard. I have 10yrs to figure out what the hell i want to do with the rest of my life, I have to "grow up" and act like an adult, make adult choices. Maybe i have been babied too much in my up bringing, i wouldn't disagree if someone said they thought so, but its so scary to have to do things and make big life altering choices in your life on your own. I think about one of my good friends sometimes who has to make choices alot on her own and who doesn't have the luxury to call her family for help or advice, i think about how does she do it? She is so much stronger then me and i hope be that someday, i really do. Although I hope if she ever needed anything I would be there in a heart beat to hold her hand.

Life is scary, and i feel it officially got scary when i started to have sex and got into my 20's, and I know that this is only the icing on the cake! If only we could all have a little person that fit in our pocket and we would take him or her out for words of encouragement or to just lend an ear.

Holy Night

I'm not a religious person but every time i hear this song it give me goose bumps and i want to share the goose bumps with you :)

Hard to Get

Why is it when your friends and family try to tell you something but you choose not to listen because you think they don’t know what they’re talking about but then someone that you don’t know very well tells you the same thing then you listen? My friend Joe tells me all the time that I need to play hard to get, and I laugh or roll my eyes, but this evening as I was watching “John Tucker Must Die” on TV and I realized I do need to play hard to get! I’m a little embarrassed to say that a movie of such low intelligence made me have my “duha” moment but I’m really glad it did. I don’t think I have ever played hard to get, I’m really good at being sarcastic and a shit talker, prudish too, but hard to get I’m not good at , in fact I don’t think I even know how; nor do I even think I have ever tried! How would I even start? And do you have to start right away? Meaning, Messenger Boy called me last week and as we were talking I told him I missed hanging out with him (that’s not code for sex, I really do like hanging out with him) and I liked him, and I have been my sweet self this whole time but can I turn it around and start playing hard to get, or is it too late? I really want to try this out, it’s not often that I have a guy begging to date me……..actually it’s never happened. How bad is that?

I think I only know how to be nice, sweet, caring, funny, and thoughtful, not sexy, mysterious or “play it cool”. What’s the point I feel to be all of those things that I’m not, it’s not in me, also it would be a game and I for sure don’t like people playing games on me and for someone who is big on Karma I think it would maybe bite me in the ass later. But maybe I push that aside? Fuck Karma and just go for it? Oh I’m all confused; I just realized something about myself from a shallow movie that I hate to admit, liked!! I’m always chasseing the dude as if this is going to be the last guy that is ever going to like me ever again, when I know this is so not true, did you read Monthly Man, I have been getting laid every month!! So why do I do it? I need to do something that will at all times remind me that guys should be chasseing me not the other way around because that’s how it should be damit!!!

90's are back!

It should have been a light bulb moment for me when the plaid shirts were popping up and hints of Dr. Martens were being spotted here and there but nothing has confirmed that the 90's are back like the movie that will be coming out next year called "Notorious". Yes folks, Notorious B.I.G., it will be a movie about his life and everyone around him that was in it, I for sure will be checking out this film and expecting it to make me feel old! I also hope they do a good job on the Little Kim charter because who doesn't love her!!

When i saw the trailer, i thought "holy shit, the 90's are back" then i flipped to VH1 and what was playing "Dangerous Minds", do you remember the song??!! I'm okay if the 90's come back, well some of, if scrunchies become popular again I might die, and if really really really saggy jeans (even though at the time I thought that look looked hot on guys), exposing of the naval I will not be happy with because you know their are the women who are going to do it who shouldn't!! But the music, now the music can all come back, everything, all of it, grunge to hip hop, i welcome you!!

"If you don't know, now you know."

The Tree

I'm stuck at home with a cold, and last night i didn't sleep at all, but finally today my body wanted a nap after lunch (chicken noodle soup). My nap only lasted an hour. As i was laying in bed trying to go back to sleep i herd some very odd noises in my backyard, i got out of bed and pulled my roman blinds up and what do i see, men across the fence cutting/chopping/pulling down branches down from "The Tree". I call it "The Tree" because this tree as been my friend and foe growing up. When we would get crazy whined storms at night or during the day i would worry that this tree would come crashing down in my room and that would be the end of me! The friend part has been when i stare out my window for peace of mind, because I'm sad, or i just want to look at something that's so big and beautiful but yet in such a small area; it always seems to be there for me. I love trees, and as i was watching these men out my window taking down some of the branches i thought "would i miss this tree?". Yes i would, what would i have to stare at when I'm sad? I'm really hoping that they are only going to take down the dead branches and not the whole tree its self, life lives in that tree, even though i find birds very annoying, Crows mostly, but that's a home! As our world is becoming more and more sick, cutting down a tree would be very sad, but if so i hope they plant a new one or at least have a bird person come out and make sure all the birds are out of the tree. I'm crossing my fingers they are only taking down branches!

This blog reminded me of a book a loved as a child, i still love this story even though this book has very little to do with what this blog is about but for those who do not know about this story, well, you should!! The Giving Tree.

Lusting

There have been 3 men in my life (I’m sure the number will go up over time) that have affected me somehow. My first would be the second guy I slept with when I started to become sexually active, the sex was awesome, not to mention he was so hot and the coolest guy I had ever met, so I thought at the time. With my young naïve thinking I didn’t know that we were only “fuck buddies” but over time I figured it out and at one point we had “the talk”, I was fine with this, at first, but then I wasn’t, I realized I liked this guy, AOLT (we did have a lot of things in common)! The romping came to an end and we both moved on, but removing the images and feelings from him was very hard to do, no other guy matched up, I’ll call him Music Man. But a year goes by and he contacts me wondering what I was up to and so forth, then asking if I wanted to hang out, I knew this was code word, and I was sooooooo down. Almost all of the feelings came back, until one night in the middle of having sex with him, I was looking into his eyes and this feeling came over me and I didn’t like him like I used to, I really just liked his image and his dick, there was no depth to this guy. I realized he had social problems and mommy issues and big finical problems. I lusted over what was not there, and what was never going to be there, and hoping and dreaming he would someday like me, when really he will never like me.

After Music Man there was this guy I never got to sleep with sadly but still hope like a teenage girl who dreams about getting a kiss from Zac Efron from High School Musical (I’m going to punish myself after this for knowing this info) I dream about having an uninterrupted moment with him, he will be called The Writer. The Writer and I shared a class together and something else that I wish to keep to myself, we had never met in person before until we started taking this class. Some mixed messages, more looks then words were exchanged and no matter how hard I tried to talk with him there was never the right moment and when I did finally say something to him, it came off a little mean  What was so hot about The Writer………..he was smart, hot and some other shallow reasons, but they are my reasons! Anyways something happened and he could no longer continue attending the class, in a way it was kind of nice, it stopped the madness in my head, but I was going to miss checking him out every chance I got! There is that saying “the one that got away” I know that means “the one” and for sure The Writer was/is not “the one” but he was “the one” I couldn’t have and that bothers me, I am a girl who likes her cake and wants to eat it too, and I feel I was only allowed to have the cake with The Writer but wasn’t allowed to eat it. I still talk about him (when I’m dunk and high) and my friends laugh and roll their eyes, as they should, I know it’s a waist but dam it, I want to eat that cake!

I’m sure you can only guess my 3rd man…..Messenger Boy. Like I have said before this guy charmed me like no other guy had and I fell for it, well not all of, I had my guard up. Anyways, the more I think of the situation and realize why I’m still thinking about him is its more of the situation then him! He just stopped calling, it really would have been different if it was a one night stand but it wasn’t we hung out more than once, and from what I got was that the feeling was mutual of enjoying each other’s company, so why it stopped so out of blue really slipped the rug from under me! I have a big problem when things like that happen, it’s really important to me that I know what’s going on around me at all times and when things or situations slip from under me I feel cheated and taken. Even though he did tell me from the start he didn’t want a girl friend, it would have been nice if he threw out a vibe that the “fun times” were coming to an end.

Robyn knows how I feel.

What's Wrong With Me?

Who made me this shit talker but really turns out to be nervous Nelly!! I don’t get it, I’m the biggest loser…….I feel like I am, I know I’m not but that’s how I feel!!

I went to the doctor last week and she like all the rest of them has asked if I have ever had any sexual abuse. Like a broken record, I say” no, I’m just a nervous person, I also have trust issues and from a child I have always been weird with people touching me.” On the drive home I started to have flash backs of when I was little, I remember someone putting me into a closet and holding the handle, I remember it being very dark and screaming to come out; I also remember being at my aunt and uncles house and hanging out in one of my cousins rooms and a friend of one of my cousins “play” strangling me on the bed, I think I was maybe 5, I remember he really scared me and there were wire hangers poking me from underneath. Could this be why who I am? There are many other scary stories, but could they all play a big role in the type of person of who I am today? I’m really worried about this, I have been having some anxiety lately over very silly things and originally I would only have anxiety attacks or panic attacks when I would see a women giving birth on T.V, now it’s over weird smells on Muni or not finding the car and thinking it got toad! What is wrong with me? I should stay in tuned with myself more and see if this is just a PMS thing because if it is then maybe it’s not a big deal, or is it? Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, why can’t we have all the answers about ourselves????? And my dreams these past 2 weeks have been bad too, birds wearing masks who talk to me, telling me I need to be careful, the other night it was about our new president and he was going to take this little girl away from me to lock her up and I stopped him and then somehow I get told my name was put on a list by the FBI and now they were looking for me to kill me! Going back to the doctor thing, she also brought up my future and asked if I ever thought of having children and I said “no, I don’t want to have children, I take care of kids, that’s enough for me”, she seemed to be fine with my answer but not at the same time, I told her it’s not important to me but if I change my mind I have always thought of adopting even when I was a little girl, she smiled and said “that’s a another option” .

Flashbacks of my scary moments of my childhood was not the only thing I thought about that day on the drive home from the doctors, I thought about marriage as well. I have only met 2 guys so far who are comfortable enough with themselves that not having their own offspring is fine with them, it’s not important. Only 2 though!! So are my chances of when the time comes when I’m going to want to truly be with a guy in a very serious relationship the odds of him being okay with not having kids or adopting is very slim? If so this scares me! I’m someone who likes to be alone, I go see movies by myself, I prefer to go shopping by myself and some weekends I just want to hang out with me, but a quote best said by one of my admirers best puts it, “I don’t want to be alone, I just want to be left alone”(Audrey Hepburn). It’s really hard to separate from what is wrong and what is right when it comes to how you feel about cretin things in life when the majority rules you out. So I ask again, what’s wrong with me?

My Monthly Man

During summer I was seeing a boy (I'm calling him a boy because he was younger then me, but not too young, by 3 years) who was very sweet but a little needy for me and also had a little bit of a problem in the bed room. For 3 months that we went out we only had sex twice! My kind heart couldn't take it anymore so in the middle of August i said,"Good bye" and decided to set a personal goal for myself; I was going to try to see if I could get laid once a month! My male friends said this would be very easy to do, I wasn't so sure but now that its December and looking back at the 3 months, um well.........yea it has been easy! No technique was involved, I was myself the whole time. But now I'm having a change of thought, as all of this has been fun I'm not sure if my self worth or my vagina is letting me know,"lets take a break for a while". Taking a break, I'm fine with, but I don't want my break to go on for to long, I have gone for a year with no sex once and I don't ever want to do that EVER again, maybe just this month? I do have a lot of things going on this month, I'm taking a trip right after the new year and I need to start getting ready for that, plus the trip is a cruise and from what I have herd its very easy to get laid on a cruise ship! I think also all the guys that I slept with none of them charmed me like Messenger Boy and being that we haven't spoke sense Thanksgiving could also be apart of this feeling I have. I don't know if I would call it being jaded or burnt out, I didn't "love" him, but he was a cool guy to hang out with and if we still hung out then he would be my Mr. December man, when really he should only be my Mr. November man!

I think I'm going to keep this idea, no sex this month, just work, work, work and focus on my trip and have fun with friends and family and then get back to my monthly lay in January!

He Called.

Messenger Boy called like he said he would and we saw each other that night, we had a “talk”. Any kind of “talk” is never really good but then it is, things always need to bed said in life, people need to know where they stand with others and in life so the “talk” can be useful. But then there is the not so useful part, all the stuff that the person has to say because most of it is stuff you don’t want to hear, like what Messenger Boy had to say! I realized after we talked that this guy I think is a little confused in the brain, says one thing then turns around and says or feels something else, WTF!!!

The first night I slept over at his place the next morning he said “I’m going to take care of you real good, you’re going to hang out with me”, now call me crazy but I would think anyone, not just women, ANYONE, would think that that means your dating, no? Like “I want to be your boyfriend/girlfriend”, because what else does that mean? In Messenger Boys head/world it means different, I’m a fuck buddy who he is going to be real nice to! Thanks Messenger Boy, thanks! I was always looking for a fuck buddy who was going to take care of me “real nice”……….GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

I don’t have a problem being a fuck buddy, I do have a problem with the fact that I kind of like this guy and it disturbs me. He is for sure someone that my parents would die and roll over in their grave for not to mention the rest of my concretive family, not that what they think matters at all, this is more to maybe give you an idea of what I’m dealing with. He’s a “bad boy” and as I look back at all the guys I have dated I think he might be the “badest” of them all. I’m like Duchess and he’s like O’Malley from The AristoCats .The topic of why women like the “bad boy” has been going on for years, I can answer this for my own personal feelings on why I like them, THEY ARE INTERESTING!!! I get so board easy and I have a personality that can easily walk all over a dude if he’s too soft. What I don’t get is I don’t go out of my way to look for him, or do I unknowing? I think when I reach my 30’s and I’m still going out with dudes who are like this then for sure I have a problem, I have 5 more years to craft the “no more dating or fucking bad boys” right? Ugh!

I know I deserve so much better, but I guess I let this go on because it puts some excitement into my life, and getting laid is always nice!

Not related to anything I write about!!

I'm not computer smart at all, so I apologize for having some things set up the way they did (i didn't know how to find them) like only letting people who are apart of blogspot comment, I want everyone to feel free to comment! As you can see i have made some changes, I'm not sure how i like the new look, it might stay or it might go, I want to add more pictures but don't know how to yet.I know I'll figure this out at some point.