So much to say...

I have lots of stories to tell you and so I am going to title each in this post.


RIP Blake

It was a Wednesday night, and I was waiting for the L at Castro station to take me home after having a blissful evening with my little cousins,cousin and family friends. We all went to see sing-a-long Little Mermaid, I sang my heart out, I even wore a red wig. It had been a while that I had, had some fun like that, it was really nice. Anyways, waiting for the L, in all good spirits, my phone rings, it's a friend who never calls me; I declined the phone call, and would just listen to the voicemail if she was going to leave one. Voicemail was left and the message swept all of my happiness away! She said that Blake died and to call her. I hate to talk on Muni, really I hate anyone who talks on their cell phone on Muni so I would call her back once I got off Muni. I was a few blocks away from my stop and she texted me asking me to call her, once I got off I called her. She had been crying, and of corse she couldn't give me her full 100% attention. I asked what happened...she told me that Blake was visiting his family in TX and his stay was extended because he started to not feel well again, his hair was falling out. Blake needed to have surgery and it was going to be a fast and little surgery...from what I was told, he would spend one day overnight in the hospital and then I'm sure after that a few more days in TX and then back to SF. It didnt happen like that, Blake did have the surgery but he passed away in surgery, at 31 years old!

Let me give you to break down..(I'm sorry if my information is at any time wrong, I am on a he said she said source of info)
Blake was diagnosed with colon cancer in Aug of 2012, I found out in late October or November of 2012. When I found out I was upset that my friend didn't tell me sooner, I know Blake would have never said anything but I wish my friend had! Blake wore a colostomy bag for six months, he was in and out of chemotherapy and in late February, early March of 2013 Blake had his surgery to make him all better. The surgery was successful, everyone was happy for him, we threw a birthday party for him and I had seen him a few times after his birthday.At this time I had decided to go back to school, I had also scored a job, so all my energy was put into school and my job. I would think of Blake and I would text him asking how he was feeling and he would always reply back "great" little did I know he wasn't. One day Blake (in Nov or Dec 2013) texted me asking what I was up to, I told him I was busy with school and work...no response back (shocker), and that was the last I had heard from Blake.

After I was told that Blake died, it was first..."okay, he's dead, but I thought he was better, so how did this happen?" then I got angry, like really really angry, I couldn't figure out who I was angry at the most, my freind or Blake. Why did no one tell me Blake got sick again? That was another reason for my anger, I was also angry that he was a crappy friend but I was also sad that the guy I hung out with so much back in 2005 and always had such a good time with and was always laughing with was now gone, dead! As conceded as this will come off, the group of people I know and Blake knew, he knows all from me and it would have been nice to have been included more into his whole cancer journey! Blake and I had a falling out years back. I stepped away from him and other friends because I couldn't take the lack of friendship and the consent going out every weekend and staying out till 2-4am! Fuck, I needed and wanted to get my shit together, start taking on the roll of being an adult!
Blake was their for me when I needed him back in 2005...2007, after I broke up with his roommate, my boyfriend, I was a mess. Blake and I had a very platonic relationship it never went further than that. At that time I had no friends, I was grieving over my break-up, I was a mess. He was the only person I had in my life who I could turn to to do fun stuff with. We would go to the movies, art shows, music shows, house parties. It was a sad time but it was also a nice time in my life. I feel regret for not being their for him in his sad part of his life. But I also think he would have pushed me away, brushed it off like no big deal...he did in a way the times I saw him. So I have to remind myself to let go of some of these feelings because there is nothing I can could have done and there is nothing I can do!
I have not cried yet, I feel guilty, I think the anger I have held for so long wont let me. A friend of mine suggested to write a letter to him, and I'm going to do that. I hope it will help. I have a lot of blunt things to say!


I hit a road block

I signed up for the Medical Assisting program. A few people told me, this program would be hard some others asked "is this really what you want to do?". My guy didnt want me to go back to school because he knows how hard school is for me. Going into this game with people behind my back aganist it was hard. I felt I had something to prove. It was hard but doable, for my first semester. Second semester, I failed one class and third semester thats when I hit my road block! I was in an insurance class, and the kind of math we had to do was tedious and hard. I talked with my teacher and she was a total ass. I had been down this road before, seven years down this road, I was not going to do it again! I talked with my counsler and I decided to drop out of the Medical Assisting. As much as it's hard to admit school is not for me, it will never be! So now, what? I'm going to continue to work at the art studio and I might have some travel plans ahead, and then after that Id like to apply to some programs that help people with learning disabilities find jobs.


The privileged white girl, no more

If you have seen Orange is the new black then you know what I will be talking about when I say that I felt like Piper when I learned that I was not eligible for Covered California but Medi-Cal! I make so little that I was denied
CC and told I had to apply for Medi-Cal. I was like no no no, not me, thats not for someone like me. I'm a white girl, from a nice middle class family, who lives in a nice neighborhood, who also has no children and does not use food stamps! It's like when Piper went to jail she was constantly reminded that her white girl ways needed to be put behind her and start thinking REAL LIFE! I am embarrassed about this, My Guy and my parents only know. Should I be? I guess not, is it a big deal...I'm sure not but it is to me. So, my Dad helped me out and he even went with me to the office in SOMA district. I'll tell you this, it was a very very nice building and everyone was very nice. I was also not the only white person. After I was done...it only took about 45 min (we arrived when the doors opened)it felt so crazy to be handed something for FREE!!! Also, my health care is free, I will never have to pay a dime for anything, even my meds! But there is a down side, you cant go to just any doctors, there is a restricted list...a book rather of a list of doctors who take Medi-Cal. I miss my doctor and my OBGYN, the only upside is I'm not paying $360 each month that I never had!

ME

To the new year, with a little shorter hair, I'd like to get my ears pierced, second piercing, I'd like to change my look a bit and I'd really like to think about going for a dream of mine. This new year has started off rough but sometimes you have to walk into the storm to see the sun.

One day you wake up and your 30 years old

It's true, one day you wake up and you're 30 years old, it happened to me, I'm 30 now and its weird. Weird, like, when I look at myself in the mirrier I see 24 and I still find jokes about shit/poop funny. I know I'm not some old hag, but for sure the year of 29 my tolerance was becoming shorter and shorter. And, I have like no tolorencess, I don't have time for bull shit.

I'm back in school, and messerable, what a surprise! BUT, I seem to have scored a job working at an art studio with kids. It's not what I want to do , but I really really like the job, its fun and my boss is a long time friend of the family.

My Mom and I, our relationship just keeps getting worse, day by day, I cry over it sometimes. Last week I had tickets to go to a musical that My Man bought for me as one of my birthday presents. He ended up realizing that he could not go because he had a 50k run the next morning, very early in the morning. My Guy suggested that I ask my Mom if she would like to go. I call her up she says "yes", cool, done! I call her that week asking her if she would like to have dinner before the show, she says to me "um, how about you do your thing and I'll do mine and we will just meet for the show" I said "okay", hung up the phone and cried. My own mother doesnt want to have dinner with me. So then I decided to dump her and find someone else. I have very slim pickings in my life...I called my gay guy, he couldn't because of work. I called my childhood friend who was visiting SF, he couldnt go. Then I call my cousin, SHE COULD GO! But not to dinner, and that sucked a bit but its was fine, my cousins company was going to be WAY better than my depressing mother, and it was! I was happy for my cousin to want to go with me, but I was very sad that the low number of people in my life who I can call up, more so female friends...its like there are none.

I went to Hawaii for my birthday, to see my Aunt and her husband. I had some deep conversations with her and one of them I said that I realized that the kind of relationship I have with my Mother explanes a lot of the kind of female friend relationships I have had growing up. I never had a female friend who was like a mother to me, the kind of Mom who was there for me and would listen and care. I have always had the kind of female friend who was like my Mom, just funny and nice to hang out with, but thats all. And from what I have been missing and dont know, how would I know how to attract that kind of girl to be my friend? I want something that I have never had, that I'm unfamiliar with and wishing for.

I guess with all the wishing I did to meet someone wonderful, I need to really start to wish for a friend who could be kind of like that Mom that I always wanted.

The kind of friend I would like, would have cared that my 101 Grandmother died and that I'm having problems with my Mother.

Here is to a new 10 years of my life, I hope to do some things differently, some good things come my way and I find what I have been looking for!

(sorry for the really bad spelling, my spell check is not working...I dont know why)

Maybe my birthday wises will make me forget how old I'm turning...

a little hip to the hop

If only you were real Mallory..

Have you ever become very interested in a character from a book, movie or t.v show? Like so interested that you wish they were real and you wish they were your friend or could just sit and have a drink with them? For a little while now I have been watching this t.v show on Hulu that was on air back in the 1980's called Family Ties and I have taken a huge interest in the older sister Mallory Keaton. I feel I can relate to her so much! Mallory is not interested in school, she likes fashion, likes to talk on the phone, she is goofy,she loves her friends and she is a really caring person. Mallory is someone who I really wish was real. Sometimes when I watch the show I get a little terry eyed because I wish such a character was real and in my life. Maybe this makes me a real crazy person but I don't care. I think I have talked about this before, as much as I have been disappointed with the girls/women who I have/had in my life I will never stop looking, dreaming and hoping for that friendship I would love to have so much.

music to my ears

Goodbye Nonie...

My Grandmother, Nonie (grandmother in Italian) passed away the eve of Easter, March 30th 2013 at the age of 101! It was fitting I guess being that some of my best memories was spent with her and the rest of my family on Easter. Nonie had the best backyard for an Easter egg hunt, it was massive! Even though my memories are not as rooted as the memories my older cousins have of our Nonie, the fact that a part of my family history is now forever gone, is what is sad the most for me. I am sooo very fascinated by my family history and I know very little, some stories here and there is all I have. I am also trying to put my feet in my father's shoes, he is a 66 year old man who has lost his 101 year old mother, is this an odd feeling for him? Most people loos there parents when they are in there 50's...I think, so is his loos of his mother a "it was about time" feeling for him? The rosary and funeral was a week after Nonie's death, when we arrived at Holy Cross (grave) after we said our good bye we headed over to where my Grandpa is berried and my Grandma's parents and her sister. That was such a nice wonderful moment to sand in front of these people with my cousins and parents, I got a little spiritual, wondering if they were looking down on us and waving "hello, thank you for your visit".

I made a cagoule of pictures of my Nonie and I want to share them with you...I hope you enjoy them!

Is it ever good enough?

As much as I have talked about how school is hard for me and also how my Mother and I our relationship is sad and how My Guy and I have some issues....I have some stinky shit under my belt, let alone also some money problems! To try to cope with me being back in school I think I'm doing fine, my Mom...I will never be fine, my heart is and will be broken until she really sees that she is hurting her daughter; and as for My Guy and I, I am trying but I have a feeling he would disagree. I have a test every Tuesday and tons of homework every week and a test every other week, I try not to make homework an excuses to not be able to help out around the house but sometimes that's how it is, I need to do my homework and everything else is last. I want to finish this program as fast as I can so I can get a life long job!!! I wash the dishes every night (some nights are skipped, so I do them in the morning), I wash and fold the laundry, I keep the other rooms in the house clean and tidy. I feel My Guy makes me feel like I am the only one who makes the counter top messy and also the sink in the bathroom a mess, it's hard for me to understand this because there are 2 people in this house and as neat and tidy My Guy is, he can also be messy to! The side comments I wish would stop, "every time, I ask, put the lid back in the microwave" "can you please clean the counter top, its your mess" "the sink is gross, can you clean it" "why don't you cook". How about, it would be nice if you put your Trader Joe bags away, how about it would be nice if you didn't leave beer caps out...is it too much to toss them away right when you open the beer? How about you wash the big pans, instead of leaving water in them on the stove for DAYS!! I try not to say anything, I try to look at it like these are the things HE DOES and I wish he would not say anything and look at this is what SHE DOES. I could be doing way worse or gross things right?

I do my part, the best I can and it would be nice if my part felt good enough, felt like I was helpful. I don't feel what My Guy does is not helpful enough, he does his part. I made a to do list about a week ago and My Guy doesn't seem to like it, he added last night that he feels I tell him what to do a lot. IF I COULD PSYCHICALLY do all the things on the list I would, but I can't and he can, and these are things that need to get done around the house, they just do! Trust me, if I could I really would, because they would be all done by now.

Ugh....im the flower withering away in the wind.

this and that

I am not living with my parents anymore, even though I have not 100% moved out.I am living with My Guy....I might have talk about this but whatever! My Mom likes to stop by whenever she feels like it, doesn't really bother to call to to if it's a good time!! She really only comes over to see the dog and to see if My Guy will download e-books to her Kindle because she say's "its too hard for me to put books on my Kindle"! My Mother drives me nuts, almost every time she leaves I want to cry, I cry, I feel depressed! The women who brought me into this world is not present in life anymore, I can not rely on her for anything, she is pathetic! And I am so sad by this, because out of all moments in my life I feel I really need a Mom, and I don't have one!

I started school last month and already I feel I have been going to school for YEARS!!! These classes are kicking my ASS, I have a test almost every Tuesday...by the way, medical term's, WTF!!! It's this foreign language that I had no idea about, and maybe if I did know about it before going back to school to study for a Medical Receptionist Certificate I would have felt more prepared! I am also struggling with myself that "is this the right choice for me" did I make a good one, will I be able to do this job?

Let me be me

There is this quote that Audrey Hepburn said, now I'm not sure if she really said it but being a big fan of hers I like to hope she did. Audrey said "I don't want to be alone I just want to be left alone". I have a feeling I have talked about this quote before but whatever. I saw the therapist the other day and we talked about the issues I have with other women, how I don't seem to understand "the way of women", more so the cattiness. In my head what I imagine is a sisterhood, but I guess that's just wishful thinking!I also talked about the close people in my life and some of the things they say how I can feel picked on, but am I really being picked on or am I making a big deal? My therapist said it sounded to her that you just want to be you, and that was so refreshing to hear, you have no idea!!! YES, I JUST WANT TO BE ME!!!!
ME, the young women who does odd things who thinks odd/not like other people, who might cut an onion not the "right way" who loves fashion and interior design and reading silly books and who likes mayo on almost everything and the young women who could watch T.V for hours, who likes to talk about shit and farting and who wishes her dog could talk and wishes also she was a mermaid and would like science to really make a unicorn REAL, I also like things to look perfect and clean, I can be overly motherly and I like it, the young lady who could spend a day/hours in the bathroom!!

That's me, but I don't feel I get to be all of that, like sometimes I feel its all wrong, it's wrong when someone says something. But is it wrong, or the person who says it are they in the wrong because i am just being me? I was thinking if I was this artist (I do think I am an artist in a way but I'm not one that the public would say "yes you are") like a painter or welder, fashion maker, whatever maybe people would be like "well she is an artist, you have to let them do there thing". My Guy his brother is an artist,he gets paid to do this thing and My Guy's brother does sometimes some odd stuff and I have herd My Guy say "you know my brother, he's an artist" so there for he gets to be who he is? If only I was raised by hippie parents or parents who really pushed me to let me be me. Am I finely finding myself, at 29 years old? Would it be selfish of me to do what I want and what I feel, what I am inspired by, me being me?

I'm like holding all this color and it wants to burst out, and I'm only letting it drip drop to be safe.