Maybe my birthday wises will make me forget how old I'm turning...

a little hip to the hop

If only you were real Mallory..

Have you ever become very interested in a character from a book, movie or t.v show? Like so interested that you wish they were real and you wish they were your friend or could just sit and have a drink with them? For a little while now I have been watching this t.v show on Hulu that was on air back in the 1980's called Family Ties and I have taken a huge interest in the older sister Mallory Keaton. I feel I can relate to her so much! Mallory is not interested in school, she likes fashion, likes to talk on the phone, she is goofy,she loves her friends and she is a really caring person. Mallory is someone who I really wish was real. Sometimes when I watch the show I get a little terry eyed because I wish such a character was real and in my life. Maybe this makes me a real crazy person but I don't care. I think I have talked about this before, as much as I have been disappointed with the girls/women who I have/had in my life I will never stop looking, dreaming and hoping for that friendship I would love to have so much.

music to my ears

Goodbye Nonie...

My Grandmother, Nonie (grandmother in Italian) passed away the eve of Easter, March 30th 2013 at the age of 101! It was fitting I guess being that some of my best memories was spent with her and the rest of my family on Easter. Nonie had the best backyard for an Easter egg hunt, it was massive! Even though my memories are not as rooted as the memories my older cousins have of our Nonie, the fact that a part of my family history is now forever gone, is what is sad the most for me. I am sooo very fascinated by my family history and I know very little, some stories here and there is all I have. I am also trying to put my feet in my father's shoes, he is a 66 year old man who has lost his 101 year old mother, is this an odd feeling for him? Most people loos there parents when they are in there 50's...I think, so is his loos of his mother a "it was about time" feeling for him? The rosary and funeral was a week after Nonie's death, when we arrived at Holy Cross (grave) after we said our good bye we headed over to where my Grandpa is berried and my Grandma's parents and her sister. That was such a nice wonderful moment to sand in front of these people with my cousins and parents, I got a little spiritual, wondering if they were looking down on us and waving "hello, thank you for your visit".

I made a cagoule of pictures of my Nonie and I want to share them with you...I hope you enjoy them!

Is it ever good enough?

As much as I have talked about how school is hard for me and also how my Mother and I our relationship is sad and how My Guy and I have some issues....I have some stinky shit under my belt, let alone also some money problems! To try to cope with me being back in school I think I'm doing fine, my Mom...I will never be fine, my heart is and will be broken until she really sees that she is hurting her daughter; and as for My Guy and I, I am trying but I have a feeling he would disagree. I have a test every Tuesday and tons of homework every week and a test every other week, I try not to make homework an excuses to not be able to help out around the house but sometimes that's how it is, I need to do my homework and everything else is last. I want to finish this program as fast as I can so I can get a life long job!!! I wash the dishes every night (some nights are skipped, so I do them in the morning), I wash and fold the laundry, I keep the other rooms in the house clean and tidy. I feel My Guy makes me feel like I am the only one who makes the counter top messy and also the sink in the bathroom a mess, it's hard for me to understand this because there are 2 people in this house and as neat and tidy My Guy is, he can also be messy to! The side comments I wish would stop, "every time, I ask, put the lid back in the microwave" "can you please clean the counter top, its your mess" "the sink is gross, can you clean it" "why don't you cook". How about, it would be nice if you put your Trader Joe bags away, how about it would be nice if you didn't leave beer caps out...is it too much to toss them away right when you open the beer? How about you wash the big pans, instead of leaving water in them on the stove for DAYS!! I try not to say anything, I try to look at it like these are the things HE DOES and I wish he would not say anything and look at this is what SHE DOES. I could be doing way worse or gross things right?

I do my part, the best I can and it would be nice if my part felt good enough, felt like I was helpful. I don't feel what My Guy does is not helpful enough, he does his part. I made a to do list about a week ago and My Guy doesn't seem to like it, he added last night that he feels I tell him what to do a lot. IF I COULD PSYCHICALLY do all the things on the list I would, but I can't and he can, and these are things that need to get done around the house, they just do! Trust me, if I could I really would, because they would be all done by now.

Ugh....im the flower withering away in the wind.

this and that

I am not living with my parents anymore, even though I have not 100% moved out.I am living with My Guy....I might have talk about this but whatever! My Mom likes to stop by whenever she feels like it, doesn't really bother to call to to if it's a good time!! She really only comes over to see the dog and to see if My Guy will download e-books to her Kindle because she say's "its too hard for me to put books on my Kindle"! My Mother drives me nuts, almost every time she leaves I want to cry, I cry, I feel depressed! The women who brought me into this world is not present in life anymore, I can not rely on her for anything, she is pathetic! And I am so sad by this, because out of all moments in my life I feel I really need a Mom, and I don't have one!

I started school last month and already I feel I have been going to school for YEARS!!! These classes are kicking my ASS, I have a test almost every Tuesday...by the way, medical term's, WTF!!! It's this foreign language that I had no idea about, and maybe if I did know about it before going back to school to study for a Medical Receptionist Certificate I would have felt more prepared! I am also struggling with myself that "is this the right choice for me" did I make a good one, will I be able to do this job?

Let me be me

There is this quote that Audrey Hepburn said, now I'm not sure if she really said it but being a big fan of hers I like to hope she did. Audrey said "I don't want to be alone I just want to be left alone". I have a feeling I have talked about this quote before but whatever. I saw the therapist the other day and we talked about the issues I have with other women, how I don't seem to understand "the way of women", more so the cattiness. In my head what I imagine is a sisterhood, but I guess that's just wishful thinking!I also talked about the close people in my life and some of the things they say how I can feel picked on, but am I really being picked on or am I making a big deal? My therapist said it sounded to her that you just want to be you, and that was so refreshing to hear, you have no idea!!! YES, I JUST WANT TO BE ME!!!!
ME, the young women who does odd things who thinks odd/not like other people, who might cut an onion not the "right way" who loves fashion and interior design and reading silly books and who likes mayo on almost everything and the young women who could watch T.V for hours, who likes to talk about shit and farting and who wishes her dog could talk and wishes also she was a mermaid and would like science to really make a unicorn REAL, I also like things to look perfect and clean, I can be overly motherly and I like it, the young lady who could spend a day/hours in the bathroom!!

That's me, but I don't feel I get to be all of that, like sometimes I feel its all wrong, it's wrong when someone says something. But is it wrong, or the person who says it are they in the wrong because i am just being me? I was thinking if I was this artist (I do think I am an artist in a way but I'm not one that the public would say "yes you are") like a painter or welder, fashion maker, whatever maybe people would be like "well she is an artist, you have to let them do there thing". My Guy his brother is an artist,he gets paid to do this thing and My Guy's brother does sometimes some odd stuff and I have herd My Guy say "you know my brother, he's an artist" so there for he gets to be who he is? If only I was raised by hippie parents or parents who really pushed me to let me be me. Am I finely finding myself, at 29 years old? Would it be selfish of me to do what I want and what I feel, what I am inspired by, me being me?

I'm like holding all this color and it wants to burst out, and I'm only letting it drip drop to be safe.

It's just so much....

I can already predict that some big changes will be happening, because it is going to happen! 2013 is going to be interesting, hard, sad, and unsure and I hope some happy fits in.

I have decided to go back to school being that the lack of job experience I have I think has been holding me back from landing a job; also this economy sucks too!
I finished college in 2010 with an Associates Degree and now I will be going back to school to achieve a Medical Receptionist Certificate. With a late thought about all of this and registration I was able to score 2 classes for Spring!

I have also started to see a therapist again, I'm only 3 sessions in and so far it's been okay. I'm seeing a new therapist and she is nice but a little awkward, I'm glad I seem to do well with awkward people! Today we talked about My Guy's friend and my friend who happen to both have colon cancer! My Guy's friend is a married man who is also a father of two little boy's, I'm not even sure if the oldest son is older that 5 years old. And my male friend is 30 years old! My Guy's friend sent out an email thanking everyone for their support and just being a friend and hoping everyone will stay in contact with his wife and children. His life is now just on a clock, and it's very very sad.
My Guy was very sad when he read this email to me last night and I was too, all I could think about where the children and wife, how unfair this all is. And then I started to think about my friend who is only 30 years old and how young he is and how unfair that is too!
I brought up to My Guy how we are both in the same boat, both friends have colon cancer. My Guy shut me down on this, he did not agree with me, his friend has a much worse situation than my friend! And then he talked about how awful it is I like to watch "The Housewives of..." how not in touch with reality those people are (duh, that's kind of the point of watching) and then what a pointless job my mother has for working for a church because it doesn't matter how much you pray!
I was so hurt and very angry that My Guy would not validate my feelings, he shut me down! And then also to make comments on my vice interests and also to say something about my mother's job!I understand he was angry, he knows all too well whats it like loosing a father at a young age but why did he need to say what he said?
My therapist gave me reinsurance that my feelings about my friend is just as important as My Guy's friend and that My Guy should have not shut me down the way he did. I feel like I never want to talk about my friend to My Guy ever again and I also hope that My Guy will never ask about my friend, like ever!

My therapist and I talked about this and then My Guy and I our relationship on a whole and I am missing feeling confident about my feelings from him, I wish we could share this sadness but we cant because my friend doesn't matter!She asked me what I would like out of my relationship and I said I want to feel confident in what I say and think from My Guy. I would also like if he never brought up NEVER AGAIN what my parents do for a living/work!Just don't shut me down, don't call me names and please don't talk about my family in a disrespectful way!

Speaking about family, my brother has decided to move back home and go back to school. And My Guy would like me to move in with him. I am not sure sometimes if I want to live with him, My Guy seems so angry and at times I'm not sure if he really likes me anymore. And I know if I stay with my parents home I will have to listen to my parents and brother fight.

It's all just so much to take in! Going back to school, seeing a therapist, brother moving back and "stuff" with my boyfriend.

black poison

Yesterday I reached out to a suicide hotline, but to be with "the times" they have a chat line, so less pressure I guess. Some drama went down yesterday morning that I know was all my fault and I feel really really awful for! I was thinking not okay things, it felt like black ink, black poison was taking over my body, and soon my eyes would turn black and I would talk like a demon! These wonderful women named Sarah helped me out and made me realize that a third party in my life is needed. Being that I am unable to receive the kind of advocate from a friend that I would really like the next best thing is a therapist. I really liked my therapist the I was seeing a few years ago but I felt sometimes she would say in words.."hang in there" I need more than that, even some tough love is okay with me! This wonderful women suggested me to a place and I am very interested in.
This is not going to be my quick fix, it will be a journey that I have gone down before but this time a little different but I'm looking forward to the outcome. I'll make sure to pack lots of food and water, for this journey might be a long one!