past excitement

When you realize you have outgrown something its hard to deal with it, it has always been for me. I make myself ignore that it really is going to be this way from now on, my feelings are different, no excitement anymore, i'm sad now.

I was thinking about my hair yesterday when I got off the bus to walk home from work, I remember when I had highlights and I was always cutting it short, I didn't really care, it was all about me, having fun and now when I look at my hair I see a responsibility and a "look" i need to keep up, if it wasn't lesbo/cult/would be very cold look I would just save it off.

Last night when I came home, I did some reading and then.....I was board, I wanted to do something, I dont know if I wanted to go out, it was Tue, my show is on Tue night. I was thinking about the girls I had as friends in 7-8th grade we would talk on the phone for hours about god know's what, I wish i had some of that last night, just a good girl gab. I don't remember the last time I had some gab.

I'm angry, I'm angry with myself, with some people in my life, my life, with some family. I feel I have ruined things and it will never be able to be fixed. You can't run away from your problems but I have been thinking this, but I can't I'm bad with managing money on my own and I dont like to be by myself in places I dont know enough about.

I miss some of my past and I miss excitement.

Souhaits d'anniversaire

On your fingers

Laundry list

Punch someone
2 back teeth bleeding
Drama weekends
Boring
Wants to be alone
Issues
Acne in your 20's
Who the fuck cares
Dresses
Am I crazy?
Crows
Pastrami
Is this real?
It needs to be clean
Nail polish
Don't touch me
Fog and Sun
If I moved out of SF
Blue eye's
Waxing
French fry's
Remembering
28
Vagina
I don't get it
Defected
Dairygen
High heels
Decorating
Fuck this life
Would like to say "fuck you"
Volkswagen
Scared
Sorry
Fake
Crying
Future
Losing
Used to wear lipstick
Un-traditional
Mother
Laughing
Reading
People
Day dreaming
Sleeping
Being on time
Don't go
It's too much
Music
Fashion blogs
Overwhelmed
Missing out
Drunk
What if's

Designs in my head

When I announced that I would be decorating my brothers room my brain has not shut up! And then to make it even worse I have been addicted to this new show on Bravo called Million Dollar Decorators. I feel like there is this bubble that is growing out from the top of my head and its getting thicker and heaver and if I don't get to use my "power" its going to explode. For sure I am not this amazing decorator like people are in the show but I have never had more ideas in my head about creating something in my life!!!! I'm sure this is what it feels like when an artist does not have his paint and brush's, he needs to paint something but there is nothing for him to paint with!! I do have a passion for fashion but I think my passion for design was never as dominant as the fashion part, plus fashion is easily accessible in way as to interior design; I mean who has a warehouse where they can just keep furniture and things because they like them? My closet can barely fit all of my shoes!! I could also be changing in way, my interest in fashion I think will always be with me, but I think my interest for decorating is making its way to be in the front of the line and I'm okay with this BUT I find it very frustrating!!!! The visions in my head are so powerful, so real, its DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!

Life is a bull ride

I started my volentering job at the doctors office yesterday (Tue 7th) and it was not an easy first day....well it kind of was. My duties included putting back the charts of patients, collect the fax's that come in and give them to the doctors in the office open up mail and give them to the doctors, make labels for new charts, make new charts. Kind of a lot of nothing but it was a busy day and I was standing from 9-5 the only time I sat down was for lunch and that was for about 30min. The people in the office were nice to me, although this one women got a little annoyed with me towards the end of the day. My Guy was kind of in the area so he offered to pick me up, when I got in the car he asked me how my day was, i had told him a little bit about it when I talked with him on the phone before he picked up and already I was kind of not in a good mood. My brain felt numb and feet and back were killing me, all I wanted to do was go to bed; but I couldn't My Guy and I were going to see the U2 concert.

I think I did okay on my first day, even if I didn't they cant fire me, it's an unpaid job. I have no confidence in myself when it comes to working, NONE WHAT SO EVER!!! I was thinking today what job did I like the most, what job did I have that made me feel good? It was the job that I had in college, I worked on the campus, I loved that job and I loved my boss, I worked by myself and that got a little lonely sometimes but at the same time I knew I felt I stayed out of trouble and out of people's way. I wish I could have kept that job and the pay was better, I think it really was the best job for me, I felt good about myself and I had a boss that was encouraging and so nice.

A few people asked me the other day how old I was and I told them, some said "okay" and some said "oh wow" I don't know was the "oh wow" about that I'm closer to 30 then to 19 and I dont have enough experience and a job? I'm really scared about my future, it is so hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel of my life. I see myself having a job and then loosing it and this being an on going process. I don't see myself being good at things, I also dont know what the hell I want to do with my life or myself, I wish I could figure it out I wish I could be good at something that applied to the working world. I feel so misunderstood by people, family, friends and even by my boyfriend, I feel I am on this on going battle with myself and everyone else. I am a good person, a nice young women, funny, I like putting outfits together and designing a room, I like to clean, I like to be organized, I like to paint my nails, I like to help others; these things make me feel good.

I sometimes lay in bed at night thinking about having a family and the one thing that wins over all the nice feelings is if my child later in life ended up with a learning disability, it would be one of the most saddest day's in my life, just knowing that my child will have to suffer the way I have for so long to understand things, it will be a very dark day. I really dont know how I would deal, I think I would cry for day's. Writing about this is making me cry.

Life is a bull ride, to stay on that bull is so hard!

When I say now , I mean NOW!!!!!

I have this summer project that I would like to achieve and it's throwing out all of my brothers stuff in this room and transforming it into this beautiful space....if it was up to me it would be half way done!! But I need help and finding help is really hard to find, My Guy said he would help but every time I throw out my idea's he seems to not like them......I would like to start at 10am....he says it shouldn't matter what time we start. Oh really? Well I would like to go to the Good-Will or the dump I would like to get the paint, I need to put more things in trash bags and I CANT DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF!!!! I HATE when I have to rely on others because when I ask for something I want it done NOW!!! I don't care if thats mean, it's who I am, but I also know that something's can not happen now, and when I know this I am as cool as a cumber!!!

When My Guy and I got back from Europe I was really excited to post pictures it's been 2 weeks now? I keep asking and asking and asking, I have even tried to set some time but something keeps happening from making the time to get the pictures up and IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! I know this might sound stupid but I'm not sure if My Guy understands....I have waited my whole life to go to Europe and I would like to have some pictures to show for it!!!! I am this close of loosing my shit and going all crazy lady at him............I WANT MY FUCKING PICTURES YOU PROCRASTINATING ASS!!!! Like I said before if it was up to me I would have had them already, so being that I don't I will just continue to rid his ass till I get them, or I will go to his place while he is at work and some how send a file to myself of the pictures.

I am so frustrated with people these day's, I also need a weekend sometime soon where I dont do anything or I do something that I want to do all by myself!!!!

Now I see why.....

My last post I was really missing SF and all of my little things, but things did end up smoothing out and over all I had a nice time in Europe. But I do want to share a few things.

On my trip I thought I was going to think Europe was going to be so amazing, it wasn't, but it wasn't bad, it just wasn't what I had in mind. Stockholm was amazing and so was Vienna, both places were so chic I wish I could have spent more time there. I realized after a while why everyone wants to come to America, we really do have it better here. Before I kind of got it, I mean China is over populated and the Middle East sucks ass and Mexico....well, yeah; but I didn't really really get it till I left the US. I had never felt more lucky, spoiled and proud to be an American. I never get it when people talk about how amazing something is and they never talk about the bad stuff, I want to hear the bad stuff, give me the reality! All my life I have herd "go to Europe" "have you been to Europe?" "Europe is so cool, i had so much fun" well, yes I had fun and I am very happy that I went and I'm sure I will have different feelings when I go to France or Italy but I did not have those feelings that everyone was talking about.

You have to pay to take a piss in Prague, cobble stone streets SUCK ASS to walk on, the washer's over there take up to an hour to wash your cloths, grocery shopping sucks over there. Yes the old building are AMAZING to look at and I could have spent hours in some of them but over all, the US has it going on!

Away from my fog

So I'm still in Europe, as of right now I'm In Prague and it's a really beautiful city! But I'am starting to get home sick, it's getting to the point when I see or hear any Americans I feel a little bit better inside :( I think I said that this is the longest I have been away from my family and I thought I would be just fine and I think I have been doing fine, but the language barrier and most of My Guy's friends I have been meeting are taking a tole on me. My Guy's friends that I have met have all been very nice but SO BORING well expect for one, this girl My Guy is friends with we have been staying at her place and she is freaking awesome I'm going to miss her when I leave :( I am writing this blog from my iPhone and My Guy is passed out next to me because he drank a little bit too much last night (it's 9:30 am).

I am trying not to think about home and trying to enjoy my trip but I realized last night that I am a creature of habit, I mean I guess we all are in some way but for sure some can be worse then others. I'm not the worse than others....I hope not but I know what works for me and I know what I like! And I like San Francisco and I know my bed and the food in SF is amazing and I love the fog!

I think I will stop before my phone blows up.