Butterfly

Was it just a dream I met this beautiful butterfly yesterday? I can feel her on my hands, I can see her when I close my eyes, but I can't find her! Where is she? I want her back!

BFF Valentine

Last weekend when my friend and I were hanging out, she asked me if I could be her Valentine, I said "why, you have a boyfriend" she shrugged and said we could go to Spork, being that we have been wanting to go there for a while now; I said okay!

So Valentine's Day came and I was very excited, everything was going good so far, I got all organized laid my dress out, got my purse ready the only thing I didn't get out was my stockings only because I knew where they were and I was just going to pull them out, put them on and done! WRONG!! I get them on and a very noticeable snag was in them I was so pissed, I was going through my box like a crazy woman, wasting time trying on other ones and looking for the other pair that I thought I had that didn't have a snag in them. I was late leaving for my friends house (not that she really cared because time is never really an issue, like me who is FREAK about time).

When I arrived, we smoked a little, that was nice, took the edge off, then headed to Spork...had some problems in the shoe department with my friend, at one point she walked the street of the Mission with her socks on.....oh never a dull moment with her :) We arrived, our waiter was cute, the place was cool, the food....not so much! After we were done with dinner my friends boyfriend and our guy friend met us and we then headed over to my brothers house party. I was really excited to go because I know there was going to be tons of guys....there was a little bit more chicks at this party then dudes!! The boy's were getting a little board with the party and I felt they kept asking when are we going to leave, I was a little hurt by it because I felt like they didn't like the people at the party and they weren't giving it a chance. At one point this cute guy sits down next to my friend and I and this girl who we had been talking with on and off, I wanted to get to know him more but it was time to leave (I said we would leave by 11). My brother was bummed that I was leaving, as was I, I kind of wish I stayed :( When we were in the cab going home, my friend said the girl who we had been talking with on and off said that some guy said to my brother that I was hot....WHY DIDN'T HE TALK WITH ME??? Ugh, guys!!!

It was really really nice of my friend to take me out, it really meant a lot, she didn't have to be my Valentine, but she did and that's why she's awesome!! Thank you :)

Mirror, Mirror on The Wall....

My mother gave my brother and I her parents dresser set, its some furniture that I hope to hold on to for many many years....its nice that it is also a style of furniture that I like too!

The other day, I was feeling really pretty so I decided to capture this moment and feed my ego and take some pictures of myself. To avoid the typical me holding the camera image, I take my camera and point it to my mirror and look at my screen and then move to it an angle to where you wont get that "me holding my camera image" and wala! As I was admiring my photos I realized that I always seem to feel really pretty when I look into my dresser mirror and never into any other mirror's, then I started to think did this mirror hold some kind of power or something? Or is it the light in my room? I kind of have crappy lighting in my room, but my natural lighting is nice. I kind of like to think that my mirror has something, what girl doesn't want to feel pretty when she looks into a mirror? The Leo in me comes out for on this one, I really could look into this mirror for a while.

TL Drinkin

I had an awesome Saturday night! I met up with my friend to check out one of the movies from the SF indie fest, the movie was a little bit of a disappointment and I didn't know there was going to be sub-tittles......hard of fallow for a dyslexic! After that we headed over to Casanova, it was very early so we knew we were going to get a seat! We had some real girl chats fallowed with a nice buzz. My friend asked what I was doing after and I said I was going to meet up with some other friends at Badlands but that wasnt going to be for a few hours, so she asked if I wanted to come with her to meet up some other peeps I know to have some more drinks in the TL, "sure why not!". We headed over to Koko's as a meeting point and then we all walked over to this bar called Cinnabar. Why we are going to have some drinks in the Tenderloin first off is a good reason, one of my other friends is on a mission to go to every bar in SF and the Tenderloin happens to be her first area of the city she is going to first! Cinnabar was dead, BUT the music was FAB, this bar seemed to be popular with the Asians, because we were the only white people in this bar; also not only can you order booze but if your feeling daring you can also order an egg with a dead baby chick in it to eat! The girls were trying to "egg" on the guys to try it but they didn't have the balls enough to do it.....I didn't blame them! Our bartender was very very nice, she told us that the chick is not that bad, once they heat it up it tastes like crab....this was still not a turn-on for the guys; so we left to head over across the street to Jonell's.

I was warned that I had to be on my best behavior....not talk with anyone before we entered this bar........when I get drunk I tend to talk with random people, BUT I'm nice!! An Asian woman was standing outside by the door smoking a cigarette and greeted us with excitement as we passed her while entering the bar.We all sat down, and this other Asian woman came over to us and asked what we would like, the girls had some Baileys on the rocks, our bartender was hilarious!! She was saying "motherfucker" this and "asshole" that, she talked about how when she first came to the US she would cry if anyone called her a bitch and now she says to them "you wanna fight"! I told her if a guy tries to mess with you punch them in the Adams apple and then kick them in the knee cap, she also reminded me about the crotch, but I added before you get all violent act crazy first in hoping you will scare them off.........I seemed to win over this tough little lady, and my friends were laughing and getting a kick out this conversation! Some how we started talking about astrology and Asian astrology and we learned that this spunky bartender and I are both Leo's, rarely do I meet an other Leo that I like, but how could you not like this woman! She read my palm and my friends too, she said I was bad with my money and I was going to have 3 kids! For the record, I'm really not bad with my money....I have a savings, I don't buy anything I cant afford and over the last 2 years I have noticed I don't enjoy shopping as much as I used to. I always pay my Visa bill on time, but will admit I'm awful at paying my medical bills....like your really billing my for $10-13 bucks! You cant ask for that money when I leave the office!! And the 3 kids, I don't think so, I wish I asked her if I was going to get married! I noticed my watch said it was 10:20 and it was time for me to leave to head over to Badlands, the woman gave me a hug and one of the guy's walked me out to help me get a cab; little did I know that leaving that bar was going to be the best thing because as I got in the cab a few minutes later I get a text from one of my friends that the bar just got raided by cops and guns were exposed!! Oh, Tenderloin, you are never a dull moment!

Badlands was fun, the music as always was awesome, my friends and I were having so much fun ,gay men giving you all the kind of right attention and I loved how everyone got excited when the Britney Murphy song/ video was played....

What an awesome night!! Thank you!!!

Sleepless Beauty

Before I went on my trip to Hawaii I hadn't been sleeping very well, I would wake up bright-eyed at 3am, as if I got a full 8 hours of sleep, and it would take me forever to fall back to sleep! It wasn't happening every night, but for sure 2 or 3 times a week, before my trip I didn't think much of it, I remember having odd sleep patterns when I was around 23, so I thought it was just a phase. But after when I got back from my trip I blamed it on the time change...that should have only lasted 2 days at the most; it was turning into like 2 weeks!

For thous who know me, sleep is VERY important me, I also LOVE IT!! And to not enjoy going to bed was frustrating me! I talked with my Mom about it and she asked was I stressed about anything....the only thing came to mind was school, but I didn't feel it was causing me stress, I thought about other stuff....and came up with nothing.The other night I was snooping around on this guy that I have a huge crush on and found out he has a girlfriend, I know him and I never stood a chance but finding out that he's seeing someone did hurt, I cried myself to sleep that night. As I was laying in bed with tears running down my face life came to mind and I thought this is what could possibly be keeping me up at night. I am so unhappy with my life, I feel school owns me, I feel trapped like a rat in a cage and the only way out, to end the sadness is to stop going, drop out and do what I WANT with MY LIFE! I guess in away school is stressing me out, but I think its more that its cutting me off form enjoying things that wish so badly for, and I feel I deserve to be happy.

To help me sleep my Mother gave me so Lunesta this little pill has worked wonders, the only down side is, I'm sure for good reason, it only lasts 6 hours and it takes about 30min to kick in. I dont take it every night, just as needed, I looked up the side effects the other night, because I did notice when I would take it i'd wake up with the biggest cotton mouth EVER!! Well, that is one of the side effects, among other things! Like Lunesta could possibly make me more outgoing, I found this to be really funny, when was more outgoing a bad thing? I never thought I wasn't outgoing, but I would never say or think anyone who knows me would ever say "T is VERY outgoing".

I'm really on a fine wire with this math class and my life, I think I'm going to give it a few more tires and if I don't see a hit of light down the tunnel than I'm out! I really need to be selfish and live my life my way, do what makes me happy!

I saw this video this morning and it made me smile! A little cheesy.......but its true!

LIVE LIKE WE'RE DYING By Kris Allen from stephie montalvo on Vimeo.

I need some chearleaders

I had been feeling really really good from the time of New Years up until last week. The weekend was such a disappointment....well Sunday was nice, I got to go to Target and Trader Joe's.......wanna make me happy take me to those places! Saturday was such a nice day, and what was I doing, math homework and then sitting on my ass watching t.v! I wanted to call my friends but I felt it was too late in the day, and I also had to take care of a kid later that evening anyways.

On Monday (yesterday) my math teacher came over to sit next to me because he could see I was having trouble with my fractions........I HATE FRACTIONS! Improper, mixed, whole, reduce to lowest terms, WHO GIVES A FUCK??? I know it would help if I knew my times tables, I only know a few numbers, the 2's, half of the 3's and all the 5's, the rest just don't stick. My teacher talks so loud that it drives me nuts, I had to divide one of the problems and I did it really fast, he was impressed by this that he said "wow, did you practice math over winter break!?" I wanted to die...I didn't say anything but I'm sure my face did, I was bright red, I hate the fact that I'm taking this class again, and it doesn't help when the cute guy in your class is sitting at the same table with you!

Sometimes I do my best thinking in the shower.....I have a routine, after I'm done with everything, soap up, shampoo, condition, and wash the face I like to bend half way and put my hands on my thighs and look down, feeling the warm water hit my back and watch the water go down my legs onto my feel and into the drain. I was thinking about one of my friends how her job at one point was on the line, she was close to loosing it and how hard it must have been to make herself get up every morning, get ready for work, go to work and spend 8 hours at a place with people who don't think very highly of her at the moment. And then I thought, how hard it is for me to enter a class that I have taken before, expose my deepest flaw that I am so embarrassed about, and wants to quit because I don't see myself reaching to chapter 9, I'll be lucky if i get to chapter 5! How did she do it? I can see how this job is her source for survival, with this class its kind of my source for my future, but I could kind of care less, I'm not striving to be anything great in life! Will I truly be respected more if I have a degree? Its the lowest degree EVER, is it really going to matter?

This is hard on my ego, my confidence, twice a week I expose myself, twice a week I feel like shit, twice a week I feel like whats the point in all of this. It would be nice to have some cheerleaders by my side, routing me on, "come on T you can do this!". I wouldn't feel like a frailer in life if I didn't pass this class, the only thing that would bug me if I didn't pass would be when I'm out at the bar or a party or some social gathering and I get asked my most favorite question (not), "are you in school" and I can proudly say NO, I'm done! I feel I'm missing out on so much in life and this class, this one class that I need to pass to be done with school is holding me back. When everything is going great for me, when I'm in a happy mood life seems to like to end the party for me! Yesterday I got in the mail jury duty for next month, perfect! I was planing on highly possibly taking a trip to NYC around my spring break, is it wise now to buy a ticket, when I could be in jury duty on my spring break? FUCK!!

I was happy a full month, 2010 was going to be my friend not my disappointment! Where are the cheerleaders?

It was the thought that counts

I love to go out of my way for my family and friends...and even sometimes for people I dont know very well, its just something in life that I enjoy very much; unfortunately its rarely reciprocated back!

In the last year my cousin and I have become very close, I think after she had her daughter and I started to take care of her I think she started to see the real me? My cousin is a little less than 10 years older than me and her and I were never really close like as we are now. I felt she kind of picked on me when I was younger and felt I was this big nerd, I also felt she thought I was really spoiled; this was hard for me because I got teased a lot when I was younger and I was kind of a nerd and I do admit between her and her brother, my brother and I kind of did get the longer end of the stick. But I don't feel, at least I hope I never come off this way, that I have ever rubbed anything in anyone's face. If anything I get uncomfortable talking about....for example something I just bought!

I think my cousin has seen over the year that if you NEED ME I'll be there! If you ask me to do something I'LL DO IT, and I'm also a great listener and LOVE to give advice!! So when she gave me a VERY thoughtful x-mass gift it was completely unexpected! And when she called me last week to ask if I could come out with her and her husband for drinks to meet this guy who she has been wanting me to meet, not because she thinks we would like each other but this guy would be a good networking friend, I was a little taken back by this too! Sadly my friends who have boyfriends/husbands oddly enough don't seem to know any single male's.....or if they do (they know how picky I am) I guess he's not worth introducing? This guy that my cousin wanted me to meet, she used to work with him and he is around my age, a little bit older, she told me that he goes out all the time and he has lots of guy friends.....great!!

So we all meet up at The Broken Record, and good thing that my cousin knew we would not like each other "in that way" because he did nothing for me! He also seemed a little bit too goofy me.....I know, what? He was also VERY harmless....this made me wonder were possibly his guy friends like this too? There was word that night that some of his friends were coming, but it ended up being I guess his female friends, LAME! What was also even lamer was all these girls looked SO BORING....and they were!!! This guy and I didn't talk much because I guess one of the girls in the group he had the hots for and was trying to make his move.......its called you have to grab your balls dude!! The night was kind of a bust, but I did have fun with my cousin and her husband!! And it was the thought that counts that my cousin was thinking of me in hope that this guy and I would exchange numbers and possibly hang out and meet his guy friends....no such luck!

Backseat love!

StayGold are my new FAV!!!!

(I might have a "blind" date on Fir, I'll keep you guys posted!!)

Too good not to share!

The fact that his junk is dancing in his pants in slow motion made me want to post this!

Ms. H, this reminded me of you!

My Life as Liz - MTV Shows

By the way I am WAY into this show, Its not "real" I know but I LOVE Liz!!!!