I had been feeling really really good from the time of New Years up until last week. The weekend was such a disappointment....well Sunday was nice, I got to go to Target and Trader Joe's.......wanna make me happy take me to those places! Saturday was such a nice day, and what was I doing, math homework and then sitting on my ass watching t.v! I wanted to call my friends but I felt it was too late in the day, and I also had to take care of a kid later that evening anyways.
On Monday (yesterday) my math teacher came over to sit next to me because he could see I was having trouble with my fractions........I HATE FRACTIONS! Improper, mixed, whole, reduce to lowest terms, WHO GIVES A FUCK??? I know it would help if I knew my times tables, I only know a few numbers, the 2's, half of the 3's and all the 5's, the rest just don't stick. My teacher talks so loud that it drives me nuts, I had to divide one of the problems and I did it really fast, he was impressed by this that he said "wow, did you practice math over winter break!?" I wanted to die...I didn't say anything but I'm sure my face did, I was bright red, I hate the fact that I'm taking this class again, and it doesn't help when the cute guy in your class is sitting at the same table with you!
Sometimes I do my best thinking in the shower.....I have a routine, after I'm done with everything, soap up, shampoo, condition, and wash the face I like to bend half way and put my hands on my thighs and look down, feeling the warm water hit my back and watch the water go down my legs onto my feel and into the drain. I was thinking about one of my friends how her job at one point was on the line, she was close to loosing it and how hard it must have been to make herself get up every morning, get ready for work, go to work and spend 8 hours at a place with people who don't think very highly of her at the moment. And then I thought, how hard it is for me to enter a class that I have taken before, expose my deepest flaw that I am so embarrassed about, and wants to quit because I don't see myself reaching to chapter 9, I'll be lucky if i get to chapter 5! How did she do it? I can see how this job is her source for survival, with this class its kind of my source for my future, but I could kind of care less, I'm not striving to be anything great in life! Will I truly be respected more if I have a degree? Its the lowest degree EVER, is it really going to matter?
This is hard on my ego, my confidence, twice a week I expose myself, twice a week I feel like shit, twice a week I feel like whats the point in all of this. It would be nice to have some cheerleaders by my side, routing me on, "come on T you can do this!". I wouldn't feel like a frailer in life if I didn't pass this class, the only thing that would bug me if I didn't pass would be when I'm out at the bar or a party or some social gathering and I get asked my most favorite question (not), "are you in school" and I can proudly say NO, I'm done! I feel I'm missing out on so much in life and this class, this one class that I need to pass to be done with school is holding me back. When everything is going great for me, when I'm in a happy mood life seems to like to end the party for me! Yesterday I got in the mail jury duty for next month, perfect! I was planing on highly possibly taking a trip to NYC around my spring break, is it wise now to buy a ticket, when I could be in jury duty on my spring break? FUCK!!
I was happy a full month, 2010 was going to be my friend not my disappointment! Where are the cheerleaders?
