Woe is me....

Something doesn’t feel right in the air and I’m a little scared about what the outcome is going to be like. The worry side says “it’s going to be really bad”, it also says “maybe its done already” and then my calm side says “this is just a phase, you can’t ride the high horse forever”. What would I be losing? I think that’s what I’m scared of…….it’s so easy to forget that I could get it all back again…….it would take a little while and maybe the replacement would be even better? My heart is very lonely and my ego is very fragile, I don’t remember the last time I felt awesome, or appreciated.

April Favorites!

Lets start things off by wishing everyone a Happy 420!!


This stuff ROCKS!! I dont like sunscreen, but I know it helps the aging prosess so I use it everyday. But the reason why I dont like suncreen is because I have oily skin and most suncreens make my skin feel even more oily but not Clear Zinc!! It drys so fast on your skin, its not oily at all AND having zinc in your suncreen IS REALLY REALLY GOOD!!!!!!


I LOVE this guy, Daniel Egneus!! I baught a T-shirt from him at H&M and his web site was on the tag, I went to check it out and fell in love with all of his work, I even had to email him letting him know I baught one of his shirts and I loved his work, he replayed back saying tons of "thank you's", very sweet man!! Also the picture that I have on my blog is his work.


And the best for last, Valley Girl!!! I rented this movie last month and I feel in love with it, is it weird that I'm still thinking about this movie??

Luck Was Not On My Side

This week was no good, on Tuesday I went to the doctors because.........this is SO embarrassing but I think I need to say it being that when I told my friends they never knew this could happen, I got a yest infection in my bee-hind :( It's much different from a vaginal yeast infection, its just itchy, but still annoying! Then to top it off on Friday I hit a car........no one was hurt, I just hit this couple's back bumper, and if anything my car suffered most of the damage. It was my first accident and after the couple and I exchanged info I drove to find a quiet place to park so I could ball my eyes out on the phone to my Mom. I knew my parents weren't going to be mad at me (I'm the do gooder in their eyes) but I was really upset with myself and really embarrassed. Then to make things even better I upset my brother unknowingly who than latter told me he didn't want to talk with me for a while,this news made me cry, I cried the most this week then I had in a while. I almost fell down the stairs last night, came very close to hitting my head! I strongly feel someone has a voodoo doll of me and they are just having lots of fun with it!!

I'm sure this is just all bad luck but apart of me feels I must have said or done something very wrong for all of these to happen to me.

My I just say..........

I feel like switching to another life style, wondering will it make things any different, because the one I'm living now..........kind of SUCKS!!!!!!!! I cant express to many things, because people are going to get the wrong idea......its all bottled up, and the more I stare at that bottle the closer it is ready to pop!!! I want a quiet space of my own, some place clean and organized, the sun always shines in my room, I have a beautiful tree to look at while i sip my tea and a stack full of movies I've always wanted to watch, along side a nice comfy couch with a big cozy blanket. No one knows me, no one asks, no one cares.........how long would this go for before I would get really lonely?

None of this makes sense. I need a place to scream, that's it, I need a place to scream.

WTF dude!

As I'm watching Rock Of Love on Tour my cell goes off, I look to see who's calling me and it was just a number, no name, but I had this feeling it was someone calling me who knows me, not a wrong number, because normally I don't pick up on just random numbers that call my cell. Anyways, it was someone I know, someone who I thought would NEVER call me EVER again............Messenger Boy!!!!!!!!!!I mean really??? He must have been stoned off his ass the last time I talked with him on the phone because, how do you forget that you hung up on someone, or tell them "yeah I think I'm not the guy for you", how do you forget that??? He asks me how I'm doing, then he tells me he bought a boat over by Pier 39 (my brother told me this the day before, he also told me that he was at a party with him and MB was trying to get any girl he could get them to come back to his boat with him, creepy!)stupid me I act interested and ask if it rocks back and forth at night.....I don't know what I was thinking, I'll admit I was a little nervous that he called, it really threw me off! So then he asks if we can hang out and I said "we had this conversation about hanging out, I'm not sure that your always honest with me and that's a big deal to me, I'm a one person one person, person, and I feel that's just not your thing, you even said the last time I talked with you that your not the guy for me and hung up on me" he kind of didn't know what to say so he stammered and said "I'm not like that, but its fine if you want to think that, I'm not going to try to change your mind" then he said to take care and i said you too and that was it, but the way we said good bye felt like this dude is going to call again. I really wanted to text him after and say "please delete me from you phone, I don't want you calling me" but I just couldn't do it, although I was really proud of myself the way I handled him on the phone. But I have to say, a very pathetic side of me was hoping when he called to say something like "I messed up big time, your an awesome girl and I want to make this a serious thing if your interested". Whats wrong with me for thinking this??? This guy is sooooooooooooo icky and such a low person that he called for sex, because from what I guess there are no other fuck buddies in his life and if I'm it, he needs to check himself!!! Even if he did say that he wanted to have something serious with me I wouldn't have gone along with it, the guy slept with a hooker for crying out loud!!!

My last session with my head doctor last week was about guys and she came to the conclusion that I don't take men seriously............hell no i don't!!! Why should I??? As much as my father drives me crazy I love the man and he is a good male figure in my life, and I would never end up being with a guy who is lower than my father. Meaning a guy who doesn't take life seriously, a guy who doesn't have morals, a guy who doesn't have goals, who isn't good with money, these are all the things my father IS NOT and why would I sink for anything lower than that in a guy??? I wont, I am really awesome, funny, caring, "smart", I also bake one hell of a sugar cookie!!! I'm not budging for guys, its their turn now........impress me!!!

Olsen Obsession!

I found my hands down favorite blog, this is it!! I LOVE the Olsen twins, there fashion sense drives me crazy is a good way........yes I know some of the things they wear are not flattering but you have to give them props for creativity and they are nice girls....from what i have herd!! I hope you enjoy this blog as much as I am :)

(click on the title and it will link you to the blog!)

Thanks Mom!

Last week I went down to the beach to clear my head, enjoy the sunshine and to get some exercises. As I was walking along in the sand I started to take pictures with my phone of the things that I passed, all of the pictures that came out where boring but for one, this one! I hate my feet, I think they are soooooooo ugly, my big toe curls up, and I think its big looking as well, I have my mothers feet! If there was plastic surgery to flatten my big toe's I would sooooooooo do it in a heart beat!! But overall aren't feet odd looking anyways? I find its very rare that you see nice looking feet, maybe I look at feet too much........I admit it, if I see exposed feet I will stare, analyze and compare them to mine. Out of all things feet!! But I think feet are far less worse then comparing yourself to others right?

New Age

One recent discover I've made is that I am New Age. I believe in all kinds of things. I believe in tomorrow. I believe her when she says whatever will be will be. I believe we get what we ask for. I believe in believing.
I dont believe in Twitter. I dont trust the internet. I dont trust doctors. I dont trust noveau riche. I have no faith in birth control pills. I dont trust my bank account. I dont trust success.
I believe in John Cassavettes.
I believe the lunatics.
I believe the X files.
I believe my sorrow.
I believe my happiness,
I believe in sex.
I believe smoking kills but I still smoke.
I am not sure there is life after death.
I am not sure how you make a good song.
I am not sure whether coffee is good for you or not.
I believe in passion.
I hope absence makes love stronger.
I believe there is a reason, but I am not sure.
I dont believe in fashion.
I like silk sheets.
I like pop corn.
I like YSL.
I like myself.
I dont like myself.
I am tired,
I am not tired.
I am,
I am not.
I miss you alot.
Who are you?
Id like to speak fluid Spanish one day.
Id like a few kids.
I never want to grow old.
I want to have grey hair.
I wonder are you thinking of me?
I wonder if I will ever learn to love running.
I wonder if you could survive on zucchini only,
I think people are fucked up.
I love people.
Good night.
(This was a blog posted by one of my favorite artist Lykke Li, and I LOVE it!)

No Spark

I feel after Messenger Boy I have had no desire to go looking for my next dude, just to make things sure I even went to my fave porn site (i check it out maybe once every 3 months,I'm not a porn attic!) and as I was watching one of the videos........nothing, I got no joy out it, if anything I was turned off!! I have found more enjoyment with myself and I'm really okay with that ;) I'm not shutting myself off from guys, I'm taking things one step at a time and if some guy comes around and is able to spark me up then "have at it dude". But for now I like this me time, it's keeping my dramatic mind out of trouble!!

March Favorites!

I have a similar blue sweater and black mini and this look inspires me to put the 2 together!


These ladies inspire me as well, the whole black look I think is HOT.......need more black clothing!!


I'm trying to grow my hair out and its a dream to have hair like this but brown! Not sure if I could pull off the bang.



I LOVE paten leather and these Dc's are to die for!!