My I just say..........

I feel like switching to another life style, wondering will it make things any different, because the one I'm living now..........kind of SUCKS!!!!!!!! I cant express to many things, because people are going to get the wrong idea......its all bottled up, and the more I stare at that bottle the closer it is ready to pop!!! I want a quiet space of my own, some place clean and organized, the sun always shines in my room, I have a beautiful tree to look at while i sip my tea and a stack full of movies I've always wanted to watch, along side a nice comfy couch with a big cozy blanket. No one knows me, no one asks, no one cares.........how long would this go for before I would get really lonely?

None of this makes sense. I need a place to scream, that's it, I need a place to scream.

WTF dude!

As I'm watching Rock Of Love on Tour my cell goes off, I look to see who's calling me and it was just a number, no name, but I had this feeling it was someone calling me who knows me, not a wrong number, because normally I don't pick up on just random numbers that call my cell. Anyways, it was someone I know, someone who I thought would NEVER call me EVER again............Messenger Boy!!!!!!!!!!I mean really??? He must have been stoned off his ass the last time I talked with him on the phone because, how do you forget that you hung up on someone, or tell them "yeah I think I'm not the guy for you", how do you forget that??? He asks me how I'm doing, then he tells me he bought a boat over by Pier 39 (my brother told me this the day before, he also told me that he was at a party with him and MB was trying to get any girl he could get them to come back to his boat with him, creepy!)stupid me I act interested and ask if it rocks back and forth at night.....I don't know what I was thinking, I'll admit I was a little nervous that he called, it really threw me off! So then he asks if we can hang out and I said "we had this conversation about hanging out, I'm not sure that your always honest with me and that's a big deal to me, I'm a one person one person, person, and I feel that's just not your thing, you even said the last time I talked with you that your not the guy for me and hung up on me" he kind of didn't know what to say so he stammered and said "I'm not like that, but its fine if you want to think that, I'm not going to try to change your mind" then he said to take care and i said you too and that was it, but the way we said good bye felt like this dude is going to call again. I really wanted to text him after and say "please delete me from you phone, I don't want you calling me" but I just couldn't do it, although I was really proud of myself the way I handled him on the phone. But I have to say, a very pathetic side of me was hoping when he called to say something like "I messed up big time, your an awesome girl and I want to make this a serious thing if your interested". Whats wrong with me for thinking this??? This guy is sooooooooooooo icky and such a low person that he called for sex, because from what I guess there are no other fuck buddies in his life and if I'm it, he needs to check himself!!! Even if he did say that he wanted to have something serious with me I wouldn't have gone along with it, the guy slept with a hooker for crying out loud!!!

My last session with my head doctor last week was about guys and she came to the conclusion that I don't take men seriously............hell no i don't!!! Why should I??? As much as my father drives me crazy I love the man and he is a good male figure in my life, and I would never end up being with a guy who is lower than my father. Meaning a guy who doesn't take life seriously, a guy who doesn't have morals, a guy who doesn't have goals, who isn't good with money, these are all the things my father IS NOT and why would I sink for anything lower than that in a guy??? I wont, I am really awesome, funny, caring, "smart", I also bake one hell of a sugar cookie!!! I'm not budging for guys, its their turn now........impress me!!!

Olsen Obsession!

I found my hands down favorite blog, this is it!! I LOVE the Olsen twins, there fashion sense drives me crazy is a good way........yes I know some of the things they wear are not flattering but you have to give them props for creativity and they are nice girls....from what i have herd!! I hope you enjoy this blog as much as I am :)

(click on the title and it will link you to the blog!)

Thanks Mom!

Last week I went down to the beach to clear my head, enjoy the sunshine and to get some exercises. As I was walking along in the sand I started to take pictures with my phone of the things that I passed, all of the pictures that came out where boring but for one, this one! I hate my feet, I think they are soooooooo ugly, my big toe curls up, and I think its big looking as well, I have my mothers feet! If there was plastic surgery to flatten my big toe's I would sooooooooo do it in a heart beat!! But overall aren't feet odd looking anyways? I find its very rare that you see nice looking feet, maybe I look at feet too much........I admit it, if I see exposed feet I will stare, analyze and compare them to mine. Out of all things feet!! But I think feet are far less worse then comparing yourself to others right?

New Age

One recent discover I've made is that I am New Age. I believe in all kinds of things. I believe in tomorrow. I believe her when she says whatever will be will be. I believe we get what we ask for. I believe in believing.
I dont believe in Twitter. I dont trust the internet. I dont trust doctors. I dont trust noveau riche. I have no faith in birth control pills. I dont trust my bank account. I dont trust success.
I believe in John Cassavettes.
I believe the lunatics.
I believe the X files.
I believe my sorrow.
I believe my happiness,
I believe in sex.
I believe smoking kills but I still smoke.
I am not sure there is life after death.
I am not sure how you make a good song.
I am not sure whether coffee is good for you or not.
I believe in passion.
I hope absence makes love stronger.
I believe there is a reason, but I am not sure.
I dont believe in fashion.
I like silk sheets.
I like pop corn.
I like YSL.
I like myself.
I dont like myself.
I am tired,
I am not tired.
I am,
I am not.
I miss you alot.
Who are you?
Id like to speak fluid Spanish one day.
Id like a few kids.
I never want to grow old.
I want to have grey hair.
I wonder are you thinking of me?
I wonder if I will ever learn to love running.
I wonder if you could survive on zucchini only,
I think people are fucked up.
I love people.
Good night.
(This was a blog posted by one of my favorite artist Lykke Li, and I LOVE it!)

No Spark

I feel after Messenger Boy I have had no desire to go looking for my next dude, just to make things sure I even went to my fave porn site (i check it out maybe once every 3 months,I'm not a porn attic!) and as I was watching one of the videos........nothing, I got no joy out it, if anything I was turned off!! I have found more enjoyment with myself and I'm really okay with that ;) I'm not shutting myself off from guys, I'm taking things one step at a time and if some guy comes around and is able to spark me up then "have at it dude". But for now I like this me time, it's keeping my dramatic mind out of trouble!!

March Favorites!

I have a similar blue sweater and black mini and this look inspires me to put the 2 together!


These ladies inspire me as well, the whole black look I think is HOT.......need more black clothing!!


I'm trying to grow my hair out and its a dream to have hair like this but brown! Not sure if I could pull off the bang.



I LOVE paten leather and these Dc's are to die for!!

Should be happy......but I'm not.

I'm taking sewing lessons and the first thing I made was a cover for the sewing machine, its nothing worth bragging about! Anyways, as I was waiting for the teacher to come over I went to check my phone in my room and I see there was a voice mail, I check to see who called before checking the message and the one person who I thought I would have never hear from EVER again called me......Messenger Boy!!!! The message went something like this,"Hey it's "Messenger Boy" haven't talked with you in a while, just seeing whats up, when you get a chance call me back", ugh, I felt sick to my stomach!! Thank God I was going to be doing something in the next few minutes that was going to make me think of other things for a few hours......and the sewing did!! After my lesson was done I called my friend and told her she couldn't believe it as well, and I told her that I kind of wanted to call him and let him know in a nice way that he cant call me anymore, she thought it was a good idea. i wait for a little bit to think of what I going to say and then I call, he picks up said he was in the middle of buying a bong (I REALLY KNOW HOW TO PICK THEM!!!) and said he would call me right back. Calls me with in a minute and I tell him that I don't think its a good idea that we hang out because I think when we did hang out you were not always honest with me and I have trust issues, and then he said, yea I think I'm not the guy for you and then I had no idea what to say so I started to mumble/ramble and he just hanged up on me! Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, why the fuck do I feel like shit?? The other night some guy at the bar I was at with friends was flinging the cardboard coasters across the room and one of them hit me, I turned to him and said "Your an ass whole" I don't feel bad about that at all!! So why do I feel like shit about this?? I'm sure that answer is, because at one time I liked him, and even if someone has treated me bad I still don't like to "break the bad news" them, it makes me feel shitty. This is something I really need to over come!

Anyways, I made this really awesome bag and I wish I could be really happy about it but I'm just not..........maybe tomorrow I will be?


(Black canvas with stone color pleather)

Your gone!

I'm going to miss looking out to you from my bedroom window.

I'm going to miss looking at you while I day dream.

I'm going to miss looking at you when I'm sad.

But most of all, I'm just going to miss you.

Thank you Tree for giving me 15years of something so good looking to look at out my bedroom window. I'm going to look at this as a sign that my life is changing in some big ways. Thank you again, you will be missed.

I hope whenever your down you call on me your friend...

and you did, and I hope I was there the way you wanted me to be :)