No Spark

I feel after Messenger Boy I have had no desire to go looking for my next dude, just to make things sure I even went to my fave porn site (i check it out maybe once every 3 months,I'm not a porn attic!) and as I was watching one of the videos........nothing, I got no joy out it, if anything I was turned off!! I have found more enjoyment with myself and I'm really okay with that ;) I'm not shutting myself off from guys, I'm taking things one step at a time and if some guy comes around and is able to spark me up then "have at it dude". But for now I like this me time, it's keeping my dramatic mind out of trouble!!

March Favorites!

I have a similar blue sweater and black mini and this look inspires me to put the 2 together!


These ladies inspire me as well, the whole black look I think is HOT.......need more black clothing!!


I'm trying to grow my hair out and its a dream to have hair like this but brown! Not sure if I could pull off the bang.



I LOVE paten leather and these Dc's are to die for!!

Should be happy......but I'm not.

I'm taking sewing lessons and the first thing I made was a cover for the sewing machine, its nothing worth bragging about! Anyways, as I was waiting for the teacher to come over I went to check my phone in my room and I see there was a voice mail, I check to see who called before checking the message and the one person who I thought I would have never hear from EVER again called me......Messenger Boy!!!! The message went something like this,"Hey it's "Messenger Boy" haven't talked with you in a while, just seeing whats up, when you get a chance call me back", ugh, I felt sick to my stomach!! Thank God I was going to be doing something in the next few minutes that was going to make me think of other things for a few hours......and the sewing did!! After my lesson was done I called my friend and told her she couldn't believe it as well, and I told her that I kind of wanted to call him and let him know in a nice way that he cant call me anymore, she thought it was a good idea. i wait for a little bit to think of what I going to say and then I call, he picks up said he was in the middle of buying a bong (I REALLY KNOW HOW TO PICK THEM!!!) and said he would call me right back. Calls me with in a minute and I tell him that I don't think its a good idea that we hang out because I think when we did hang out you were not always honest with me and I have trust issues, and then he said, yea I think I'm not the guy for you and then I had no idea what to say so I started to mumble/ramble and he just hanged up on me! Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, why the fuck do I feel like shit?? The other night some guy at the bar I was at with friends was flinging the cardboard coasters across the room and one of them hit me, I turned to him and said "Your an ass whole" I don't feel bad about that at all!! So why do I feel like shit about this?? I'm sure that answer is, because at one time I liked him, and even if someone has treated me bad I still don't like to "break the bad news" them, it makes me feel shitty. This is something I really need to over come!

Anyways, I made this really awesome bag and I wish I could be really happy about it but I'm just not..........maybe tomorrow I will be?


(Black canvas with stone color pleather)

Your gone!

I'm going to miss looking out to you from my bedroom window.

I'm going to miss looking at you while I day dream.

I'm going to miss looking at you when I'm sad.

But most of all, I'm just going to miss you.

Thank you Tree for giving me 15years of something so good looking to look at out my bedroom window. I'm going to look at this as a sign that my life is changing in some big ways. Thank you again, you will be missed.

I hope whenever your down you call on me your friend...

and you did, and I hope I was there the way you wanted me to be :)

Action Packed Weekend!

Friday my friends and I went to an art show that turned out to a little yuppie and the art itself was so so. When we left we went around the corner to get high and talk about what bar we wanted to go to, I suggested Kilowatz being that it was across the street, so we go. We get our drinks and make our way to the back of the bar, at some point one of my friends goes back to the bar to get another and drink and when she was heading back she almost slipped but didn’t and somehow did a dance move. The guy who was by her said that was awesome, when she came back over to us she told us what happened and one of our guy friends said he didn’t believe her……..dumb!! So what do you know the guy who saw her passed us by and she pointed to him to come over to us to tell our guy friend that this incident really did happen. He said it did and then he starts to say some flattering things about her, and I started to think she might have a phone number at the end of the night but I was wrong because for 1. She did not find him good looking and 2. He asked for my number instead! Before the numbers were exchanged my female friends and I were chatting it up with him because he works for a clothing store that makes their own clothes and shoes and we found this very interesting. I don’t remember how I got stuck alone with him but I did and then that’s when he asked me for my phone number, and he told me how cute I was, then I don’t really remember how he got me to go with him over to where the bathrooms were, there was this wall that blocked us from everyone else and we made out for a second then he asked me if I would meet him outside, I said fine. He leaves the bar, I go back to my friends, they ask me what happened, I tell them and let them know I’m going outside to see him. I walk outside and their he is, we turn the corner and make out again and this time he sticks his tong in my ear, GROSS!!!!!! There is nothing grosser then that, ears are gross, I’m sorry they are!! I didn’t know what to do, so I just kind of stood there, after he was done he said he’d call me (whatever) and I said look forward to it (lie) and then we said good bye. I go back into the bar and tell my friends what went down, one of my guy friends didn’t like him and the other……..I forget what he thought. Honestly I didn’t think the guy was ugly but he didn’t make my panties wet or anything. I found him to be very charming and after the last guy, now I’m very wary of charming men (I think I have every right to be!) Anyways, I’m also kind of burnt out by guys in general and as of right now I feel it’s best to just lay low.

Saturday……..If I could give just Saturday a title it would be “They took my blood and I saw a dude in lighting stretch pants”. Good title? During the day of Saturday, my good friend came with me so I could get my HIV testing done, about 2 months ago I got my STD testing done and I came out all clean (Thank God), now I just have to wait for the HIV. When we got to the hospital I was very ready to turn around and go back home but my friend we very good in not letting that happen, when we went into the room where they suck the blood from you I started to freak out. My friend was doing a good job in trying to keep me calm and the lady was really nice, I sat in the evil char and I started to cry and said over and over again “I don’t want to do this”, the lady asked if maybe I wanted to lay down she said it might be better so I did. I was still crying and my friend was still doing her job in distracting me, the needle went in (ouch!) and before I knew it, it was out. I thanked the lady for being so nice and she gave me some orange juice. After that my friend and I got a bite to eat and then headed over to Delores Park, we smoked and then watched all the doggies run around, it was just nice to be in the sun for a bit! After I got home I had to hurry and change and make it back over to my friend’s house because we had to be on time to this show she got invited to over in the Hayes Valley. When we leave to catch the bus, she realizes that she doesn’t have her phone and forgets where this event is, I have a smart phone so we got the info then when we got over to Hayes Valley we bought some beer (because this event said B.Y.O.B…among other things!) and then headed over to the house. When we got to the house my friend forgot if the show was really tonight and maybe it was last night………I kind of wanted to slap her on the side of her head but I love her and I would never do that!!! So I let her check my phone again for the info and it was tonight (thank God). At the door there was a sign that said “Knock 3 times”, she does, the women who opened the door was in her late 60’s and looked across from Vivien Westwood and the now Boy George, with a voice like Marge Simpson! When we walk in we had to take our shoes off and the women took our beer, we were also VERY early………….the only ones!! I could tell that my friend was a little embarrassed, and I was really uncomfortable. It took me a while to get comfortable but after maybe 30 min people started to show up and I started to feel a little bit better. This place was also like no other, it was a house, but really a garage, the couple that owned it made a stage and they hold shows from time to time. It was decorated with all kinds of knick knacks and the colors and lighting was beautiful. A true San Francisco hippie experience! When the show started the first act was a guy who read some poetry and then sang after, his first poem was about being a zombie and one of his songs was about a three legged women! The second act was a girl about my age and he music was folk and really good! The third act was the guy who invited my friend to this event and he came out wearing a button down cotton shirt with lighting stretch pants!! After a few songs my friend and I wanted to leave, I had a headache from all of the cigarette smoke and well………it was just time to leave!!

For me it was a crazy day, giving blood, going to some once in a life time house with interesting people. I also thought that for sure if I had never met my friend I don’t think I would have ever experienced something like this, me being more of a homebody than her. I also felt kind of “cool” that night too, it was like, we experienced something very few people got to that night and as much as I wasn’t crazy about it at first, it was a cool evening!!

Then on Sunday we all saw Watchmen and man was that an intense movie, it was also very relevant to what is going on in life right now, and it didn’t hurt to see a totally naked blue man in the movie as well!!

Just to give you an idea in what this place looked like!


The 3 legged woman!


The awesome pants!

Head Doctor

It had been about a year sense I'd been to my therapist and as much as I was putting it off I know I needed to go back. Having day's where you don't want anyone talking to you or looking at you is not really good, and from all the boy drama that had happened to me, this was another good reason to go.

When she opened the door she looked like she lost weight, but not in a healthy way, I wondered right away if maybe she's sick, but I didn't want to ask.......I'm never sure if you can ask them questions so I don't. Anyways she said it was nice to see me, then asked what brought me in, I told her about the doctor visit, not wanting kids, bla bla bla, and then I started to cry. I hadn't cried in a while and it felt good to let that out, she asked me why did that bother me of what the doctor said and at first I didn't really know why, then I figured it out. Apart of me is upset with myself because as a women I feel I should be interested in having a child.....physically, but I cant, the idea of it scars the crap out of me. Then I talked about my "girl issues" and Messenger Boy. At the end of my session she always sums everything up (I like this part) and she said I have trust issues and anxiety, no surprise to me but it was nice to hear it from someone else. She gave me a little Dr. Phil tough love and said "relax" and the way she looked at me when she said it was like "not everyone is out to get you, and not everything is a big deal".

I'm going to see her next week, we are going to work on trust and anxiety, I don't know if these things in my life that have played such a heavy roll are going to be easy to over come, but I'm interested in working on it and I think that's a big start!

Girl Issues

I don’t know what moment in my life started this “issue” that I have with other women/girls/ladies/females…..whatever……but it’s an “issue” and I feel it’s gotten worse over the years!

My issue is, I have never really had a good, healthy, or normal female friendship, I would have to say all of the female friends that I have had in my life ended because they all turned on me or I just couldn’t put up with their bull shit anymore. But yet I freak out when I think they might be upset with me!
In preschool, I don’t remember her name, I just remember she had long brown hair and she was bossy, this girl was sooooooo bossy to me and I took it! When I was in 2nd grade this girl Ellen that I was friends with, one day she was my friend and then other day she wasn’t, and I put up with it!! Then there was Joy, I was her …..I don’t know……someone pathetic if anything!!! She had a sleep over for her birthday and the rule was whoever fell asleep first got a prank done to them, WELL me being the night owl that I am NOT, I fell asleep first and the prank that her and other girls did to me was go in my bag, take out my underwear and stick it in her freezer , I woke up at some point during the night and they all started to giggle, I asked what was going on and Joy told me I was the first one to fall asleep so they did something to me. When I asked what they did Joy went over to the freezer and opened it up and said take a look for myself, I walked over and saw my underwear and pulled them out, they all started to laugh, I just stood there, underwear in hand not understanding what was so funny. Joy also would make comments about what I wore, it was never “cool” enough and she thought it was gross that I didn’t shave my legs………I WAS IN THE 2ND GRADE!!! I should have said this earlier but Joy was 2yrs older than me, she had boobs, all the guys liked her and she was really popular. I don’t remember if she left the school or I stopped hanging around her but this new girl started to go to my school, Anna and she was a year younger than me but when we hanged out she ran the show. Anna was a little bit like Ellen, she would give me the cold shoulder from time to time and always thought she knew everything and I knew nothing! When she got mad at me, she wouldn’t look, or talk to me for however long she felt like it and she made sure I felt bad the whole time.

Outside of school when I would attend church with my family, I’ll never forget this…..this girl Noreen told her neighbors a lie about me and I knew these kids, and one Sunday as I was standing in line to receive communion they stood in the line next to me and they all looked me like I smelled like shit, I didn’t understand why until later when Noreen’s brother told me what was going on, then I told my mom she told me that she thinks Noreen’s father told her to hate me because one day my ant needed to drop something off at Noreen’s house and the only person who was home was her dad, and her dad is a slime ball, when my ant rang the door bell Noreen’s dad answered it only wearing a towel around his waist and he asked her if she would like to come in, my ant declined and I think he got upset and embarrassed, so to keep things hush hush my mother assumes that’s what her father did, told Noreen to hate me.
Then Krista, who I talked about before, when we would hang out, she would ignore me or make fun of me around the group of people we hung out with. But the worst of them all was Valerie!!

I met Valerie the summer I was about to enter 6th grade, my neighbor’s little boy went to school with Valerie’s little sister, my neighbor thought we should meet being that we had 4 things in common already, 1. We both just got a dog, 2. Our birthdays were a week apart, 3. We were both dyslexic and 4. We lived a block and half away from each other. We met up at Baskin Robins with our mom’s and got to know each other. I remember she had this attitude but I thought she was cool, she had an older sister as well and she would always talk about all the stuff her older sister would tell her. Valerie was always 2 steps ahead of me, when we both got into high school; it was all downhill from there. She would take me to Haight St. to find bum’s to buy her booze and try to find people who were selling weed. I smoked my first cigarette with her in her little sisters play house in the backyard, and I got drunk with her from sharing a jack and coke! She got involved with this 28 year old guy, and would ask me to lie to her parents if they called my house to say she was at my house but taking a shower when really she was sleeping at the dude’s house. She would make fun of me for asking “dumb” questions and one night when we were on the phone she said to me that this was going to be our last conversation because she didn’t feel like being friends with me because I never called her enough! But that didn’t last long, she sent me letters asking to be friends again and letting me know what she has been up to…….more bragging if anything. She would also always seem to call me around x-mass or her birthday knowing I would give her something, Valerie used me to the bone and I didn’t see it until 2years after I got out of high school!! Valerie got into some messy mental problems and her family set her to live in Organ, when she came back she contacted me (around her birthday) we hanged out for a bit but it fizzled fast, at that point I knew better and we were 2 very different people. She called my house one day and my brother answered it, I told him to tell her I wasn’t home and to take a message, I never called her back and I’m glad.

These girls are the ones that stuck out the most growing up; there are others, as you can see I think I have a really good excuse for having “girl issues” .I am a really good person, sister, daughter and FRIEND, and I find it sad that no matter how good of a female friend that I have at the time, deep deep down inside a part of me is wary, is she going to turn on me? Is she going to put drama in my life? Is she going to ignore me, or make fun of me just because? I hope not, because the ones that I have now, I really like.

I’m just walking through life trying not to step on any toes, but dam is it hard to have your own toes not to be stepped on!

We were the old ones........

My friend and I didn't know what we wanted to do for last Friday night, back and forth emails and texts on what to do.....until I suggested going to Blow Up! The last time I went to Blow UP I didn't get in, the line was almost around the corner so my friends and I left the line and went to some bars. But this time I made it in into Blow Up and the experience was nothing that I was expecting! I let my friend know that we should leave earlier then we usually do because of the crazy line the event gets, so we do and as we arrive to the club........NO LINE!! My friend and I also noticed that most of the crowd standing outside of the club looked like they just finished high school.....this was an 18 and up event,SURPRISE!! We walk in and no one was on the dance floor, but the music was good, we get some drinks and make our way upstairs to look down to see will more people show up.....they do! As we were chillin in our chairs a herd of teens come and stand in front of us and this point I think my friend and I knew we were going to be the oldest ones at this club tonight, and we loved it! Who did we have to impress.......no one, we danced our asses off and had so much fun! Also a brotha taped me on the back and said "If you keep dancing like that your going to get me in trouble and make all the girls jealous in this place" I smiled and laughed and continued to dance........not often does a brotha hit on a white gal like myself, but when it does happen I LOVE IT!! My feet were starting to hurt......and I think we had all the fun we could have had that night. Not sure if I will ever go again, I don't know if my friend would either but I do think if we need a good laugh to realize how glad we are to be the age we are now then that would be the place to go to!

February Favorites!

I'm not going to turn this into a fashion blog, don't worry, but these are some designers and a website that I have been really fond of for a while now and just I feel like sharing!
Enjoy!

Rodarte

Alice Temperley

Alexender Wang

Lanvin

Acne