I beg you, please leave me alone!

Women, the sex I know everything about but at the same time no nothing about. From pre-school to now I have never had a good relationship with women, I think jealously has played a big roll and I feel like they think I do it on purpose. For the record I don’t care how conceded this is all going to turn out! I have reached the icing on the cake of my pet peeve and I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to allow it to go on without feelings getting hurt. What has brought this on; I received news that my neighbor from across the fence of my parent’s house will be attending a family gathering that I will be going to in the next few days. I hate this woman to the core of existence; from day one she has made comments to me or about me as if I’m this “thing” in the room that has no feelings. She came over to my birthday party that I thought was only going to be just family, and right when she came in the door “Hello birthday girl, gosh look how skinny you are” then she turns to my aunt and starts talking about me as if I’m not in the room,”look how skinny she is, I wish I had her figure, she looks kind of pale, her hair cut is so fashionable”. My biggest pet peeve is people saying things about me on how I look and dress, I can’t stand it, I wish it would stop I really really really do. I wish I could walk into a room have no one say anything to me, sometimes I feel my own mother is jealous of me, she sometimes says “I wish I could wear an outfit like that, I used to when I was your age”. Lately I have been wondering if I could gain like 100lbs and stop primping myself and wore awful cloths maybe women would stop saying things about me or to me. The mother of the little boy I babysit for, says something to me everyday “if I had your body things would be easy” so being skinny solves all the world’s problems? ALL OF YOU………..FUCK OFF!!!!!!!! I don’t compliment women unless I really mean it, and it’s not often that I do. I also don’t think I’m that skinny, but then again I don’t see what everyone sees, I’ll never forget I was sleeping with this guy and after we were done having sex and we were putting our cloths back on he stopped for a second and said “girls must be jealous of your body” I didn’t know what to say so I just gave a little laugh. I promise from the bottom of my heart I don’t try to make other women feel threatened or jealous, I don’t see what they see, the only thing I see is me, Terese a young woman would like to be left alone, but if you feel the need to say something about me, just ask “how are you” instead of “I wish I had your figure”; that would make me feel normal and excepted by the sex that I should be able to get along with the most. A side from all of this, I love myself very much but the comments that drive me crazy makes it very easy to dislike myself and want to change so I can be left alone and not looked at. We all want what we can’t have, I would love to be taller, I wish I had beautiful skin, I wish I had manageable hair, I wish I was good at math……….the list could go on. I just want to have a normal, none threatening, none jealousy relationship with women, is that so hard to ask for?

The Quarter Life

I had been dreading it all of June and July I was not looking forward to turning 25 but then August came and my birthday weekend began. August 1 was Midnight Mass with Peaches Christ watching Purple Rain with my friends, then August 2nd was dinner with the family and August 3rd was the big day, I requested a BBQ at my guy friend’s house. It was I think the best birthday I have ever had, NO, it was perfect, good food, good booze and good friends is really all you need to have a perfect party!

Is it too early to say that I feel different already? I’m going to say so “no”. For sure I feel older, a little bit more mature, studding my aging process, watching the grays come in and then plucking them out one by one and trying not to forget to apply the eye cream hoping that the lines that I have will be less noticeable then yesterday; it’s like a different kind of puberty. In some way I feel I’m in a rush to finish out all the stupid things you can get away with when you’re in your 20’s but at the same time I don’t feel rushed. I know I have calmed down a lot over the years and I’m really proud about that, I used to be such an uptight nerdy prude, I guess a little sex and pot over the years calms you down and you learn to not be so uptight about the small stuff.

At the BBQ I had all the people who were over 25 tell me in a few words what was being 25 for them like, mind you I don’t remember all of them I was for sure drunk for this hallmark moment. I remember one girl said she leaned “Men sucked” but in a good way, some other girl said hers “sucked” and the last lady said “just stay wasted” she didn’t remember her 25th year very much, so she thought she must have had a good time. I’m very curious to find out what this year will hold for me, I really hope it will be a goal archiving year if anything. ;my birthday horoscope said I will be very goal productive this year, so maybe my wish will come true.

Nightmare, R.I.P. “No Name” and the Bad Day

I was healed up by gun point, the guy wouldn’t let us go, somehow I text 911 for help and realize if the guy finds out that one of us called (text) for 911 he would shoot us all. We were being kept in a barn by a corn field, and then somehow again, I break free to run down to the path leading away from the barn to tell the police to turn off there sirens……….. and then I woke up.

Nightmares always disturb me, I wake up with my heart racing and I’m all clammy, it takes the rest of my morning to calm down and I analyze the crap out of why did I have a nightmare “what am I stressed about, what am I upset about?” .

Each morning 4 days a week I set my alarm for 6am, Alice 97.3 gets me up to start my day, Sara and No Name are my morning hosts. I’ve been an avid listener for a long time; I think I started when I was in 6th grade so 96-97? I went through the heartbreak of Vinnie being fired from the show because he just stopped showing up for work (so I heard) and I was pleased when they hired his replacement “No Name” .But this morning “No Name” was not on the air because I guess last Fri he said something about autistic children and this made parents who listen to the show who have autistic children very upset. Okay so I get it, I get annoyed and sometimes upset when I come across people who know nothing about dyslexia, but I try to keep in mind that there are a lot of ignorant people in this world and I can’t focus all of my energy with anger on them, it’s just not worth it. So to the parents out there thank you, thank you for firing “No Name” and being the bigger person and making a big deal out of something that all you could have just done was TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING RADIO!!!!!!! Now I have to go through I’m sure a month maybe ever longer of wondering who could ever fill “No Names” spot……….no one ever will. R.I.P “No Name” you will be missed :(

After my morning scare and loss, my day passed by surprisingly fast and before I knew it I was back home, but when I opened my computer to find that the one class I need to finish school has been CANCELED, well ladies and gents this bad news for sure has been the icing on the cake. Do know what this means? I have to find a class that’s not full (good luck for me)I also have to take this canceled class in the spring when I was planning of being done with school……….oh the tears are flowing. Why me, why me? All my little dreams are yet again put on hold, I might as well just stop having dreams at this point, it seems the powers may be have a different plan for me.

That "feeling"

I take care of a little boy during the week and I take him on little adventures. I like to take him to the places that I would go to as a child. The first place I took him was Children’s Playground in Golden Gate Park, I haven’t been there in a very long time and I think I was a little bit more excited to go then he was. When we arrived it was pure madness, apparently 10am at the park is the hot hour, I had never seen so many kids before. Anyways, all of the play structure has been changed the only thing that has been kept are the cement slides and marry go-round. A feeling I was used to was no longer there, was it because I’m all grown up now? My friend Miguel and I one day took the little guy to the Zoo. As a child my Dad loved to take my brother and I to the Zoo and I have wonderful memories of going. The foggy Sunset days, wearing my colorful jacket, having a coke and hot dog with my Dad and brother, my favorite spots were the petting area and wanting to see the Lyons at feeing time, good times. So my friend and I get the Zoo and before we even get in that feeling was no were to be found. The Zoo changed their entrance to the Zoo is not even the same, it reminded me of some theme park, and the layout was all different.

I think I should have known better, there comes a time when Christmas and Easter doesn’t feel the same anymore because you have reached an age in your life were I guess you could say the “magic” is gone. My brother and I would wake up 6 or 7 am Christmas morning to see what we got from Santa and then go wake up our parents. Now I just want to sleep in, I say “F” the gifts, if Santa hasn’t left me a billion dollar check I could care less about what’s under that tree. And Easter, I used to love Easter more than Christmas. My family and I would go to my Grandmas house and all the family would be there, my older cousins would hide the eggs for my brother and I and one of them would ring the door bell to pretend it was the Easter Bunny letting us know he came by and hid the eggs. I would always run to the door and open it hoping I would catch the Easter Bunny and I would remember I would get so upset every time for missing him. After the let down, we would all go outside and hunt for the eggs, it was a big deal when my brother and I would find the eggs with our name on them, “the Easter Bunny knows who I am!!”. Awww good times.

So now what? The joys I had when I was a child have been long gone, what makes me excited now? Well living in such a selfish world when anyone remembers or goes out of there way for me, I think it’s a big deal, like I won the lotto or something. Going to shows to see my favorite band or DJ play live is very exciting. Meeting someone new is also exciting, and if the date goes well that’s even more exciting………I could go on but I’ll stop. I can see that I have many things to be excited about, they might not give me that “feeling” like I had as a child and I guess that’s okay, but a part of me will always miss it.

Deal with it and make a change!

I am noticing more and more women my age or around my age and even younger, like teens and kids are extremely insecure and the level of insecurity is scary. I have my own insecurities but I don’t feel I carry the level that other women have. My own would be my skin and the way I dress and the statues of my life right now I feel is not up to par the way I feel it should be, other than that I think I’m all good.

This thought came across my mind as I was getting a taxi ride home from after attending my friend’s birthday. When I was thinking in the car of the list I hear young women talk about its scary, are there less and less girls being raised to think that “you” are the only person that matters and no one else counts? I know that sounds cheesy but its true. Who is a magazine, the media or anybody else to tell me how I have to be, look or act. Maybe this is easy for me to say because I don’t have anybody issues. I was teased heavily when I was younger for being too skinny but I never understood what the big deal was when I got teased. Then when I got into high school some of the girls would say things and I still didn’t get it. Now that I’m adult I get it now, they think because I’m skinny life if perfect for me. WRONG!!!!!!!! Do you know how self conscious I am, the last thing I want to do is make some other women feel intimidated that I think I’m hot shit because I have a better body then her. Almost every day someone (women mostly) say something about my body and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. What do you say to “God I wish I was skinny as you” WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT???? I never know how to react; I wish I could say “Please leave me alone”. My mother never talked about my body, really the only thing she said was “I was skinny just like you when I was young; it runs in the family, there is nothing you can do about it”. So, there is nothing I can do about it, I can’t change this to make other women feel comfortable and you know what I wouldn’t! I’m not going to change to make you feel more comfortable around me. If anything women and young girls need positive role models to teach them who they are matters and no one else. I know I’m really lucky to have and had amazing women in my life that have taught me it’s not healthy to obsess over things like this. Focusing on speaking your mind, being louder than the guys, educating yourself and the most important part BEING COMFORTABLE BEING BY YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! I bet if this way of thinking was instilled on young girls things would be so much different. You have to love yourself and you need to learn how to be comfortable with yourself, it’s the best gift you can ever give.

Lost and Robotic

Smashing bottles is all I can think about. I’m in a field and I’m stand at home plate, this guy throws me a 40oz empty bottle and I hit it with my aluminum bat, glass flying everywhere the frustration that has been built up inside of me has been released and it feels so good. This thought of action that I would like to partake in has worried me a bit but if I was punching my little fist into walls then for sure I would be worried (and in a lot of pain). I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week on why I have been so angry, and I finally boiled it down to that change has happened and an opportunity that I want to provide for myself to make a life of my own is not going to happen as soon as I was hoping for.

Change can be good, change can also suck. In my case, it sucks and it will always suck unless this situation goes back to normal……….fat chance. Then this making a life for myself, I guess that will just have to be put on hold and continue to put everyone else first. It’s so tempting to tell everyone to go fuck themselves. I have also been thinking of taking a week or 2 off from everyone, not hanging out with my friends, ect., enjoying some serious me time. I kind of feel lost and robotic and would like the feeling of “life is awesome” to come back, because I know this mind state that I’m in is not healthy. I can’t even nap!! And for those who know me, napping is very important to me.

His name was Up-Chuck

It was going to be an awesome night, I could feel it. I went to SF State to see my friends who graduated, took pictures, gave flowers, went back to the apartment, smoked then went to this AMIZING Italian restaurant in the Castro all the waters were good looking, even the owner and the host, “Why do they all have to be gay, WHY???” Anyways, conversation was flowing, plates were being shared, my tummy hadn’t been this happy in a very long time. When it was time to go we met with my friend Heather then headed over to the gay club the Look Out. Music was fun; all the girls were their Britney, Mary J, Madonna and Robyn then to top it off DRAG QUEENS. I think I secretly want to be a drag queen I think they are so fabulous, a dream come true would be for one to do my make-up and then hang out with them for a night. Anyways back to the story….free drinks are being passed out I’m already kind of gone, I get on the dance floor with my friends, were grooving and then I feel someone come up behind me, hands all over my body, Heather’s laughing at me but giving me a look like “if you want him off of you let me know” what a good friend. I always get uncomfortable when dudes want to dance with me, I don’t know how to get freaky on the dance floor, in the bed room no problem, but the dance floor I just can’t do it. So I turn around and ask the guy his name he shakes his head, as like he’s this mystery guy, he says something in my ear an all I here is “ your blasdfhsdfsjhdfius” the dude was meagerly drunk he starts putting his face into my neck, I wasn’t sure what he was trying to do, kiss me? Then all of a sudden I hear a yak sound and I step back and I see him start to walk away covering his mouth I turn to Heather I tell her what just happened and she starts to laugh, I ask her to help me clean it up in the bathroom. The line is long, we have to wait, I feel so gross I want this t-shirt and sweater to be off so bad and me in the shower ASAP. I get cleaned up and I tell the rest of my friends my night is over, I think your entitled to declare once someone up-chucks on you, your night is over, GROSS!!! The best part of the night was winning movie passes to a pre-screening to Sex and the City and access to the after party!!!!!

Meet my brain

When everyone was picking up the ABC’s, 123’s and shapes I was the one behind. Took Kindergarten twice. Then first grade exposed me all, when I didn’t get what 2+2 was and my reading was slow. The school said to my parents that I should get tested, no surprise to my Mother. Tests after testes, ”Terese look at this picture and make this shape with these blocks” I don’t remember if I succeeded the task, all I knew was when my Mother would take me to these places I didn’t have to go to school that day and she would take me to Mc Donald’s for lunch. Test results came back…drum roll please…. “The kid is 100% dyslexic”. If I only knew back then how much this will for ever be a burden in my life till the day I die. How much I wish to see the world like a “normal” person, how much I wish to understand 99.9% of what people say to me, most of the time its only 50%, and that’s on a good day. I wonder sometimes what is my purpose with this body and brain when I can’t even use it the way I want to, or wish too. I’m not fast like the others, not in reading or thinking fast on my feet. I feel I offer very little to this world…humorous, being organized, memory of random things, a good friend, a good daughter, a nice sister, thoughtful, caring, but does all of this really matter? I know I’m not stupid, but I get scared sometimes that people think I am and that really bothers me, I hate exposing myself, as if I have AIDS or something. You have no idea how many time I have to explain myself to people when they don’t understand why I don’t understand something, I should make some kind of flyer for people to hand out, this is how it would go…

I’m dyslexic so this means: a difficulty with written language, particularly with reading and spelling. It is separate and distinct from reading difficulties resulting from other causes, such as a non-neurological deficiency with vision or hearing, or from poor or inadequate reading instruction. Dyslexia is most commonly characterized by difficulties with learning how to decode at the word level, to spell, and to read accurately and fluently. Dyslexic individuals often have difficulty "breaking the code" of sound-letter association (the alphabetic principle), and they may also reverse or transpose letters when writing or confuse letters such as b, d, p, q, especially in childhood. However, dyslexia is not a visual problem that involves reading letters or words backwards or upside down, nor are such reversals a defining characteristic of dyslexia. Also a neurological condition characterized by a problem with learning fundamentals and one or more of the basic numerical skills. Often people with this condition can understand very complex mathematical concepts and principles but have difficulty processing formulas and even basic addition and subtraction.

What Do I have a hard time with?:
1. Spelling
2. Math (cant do it to save my life)
3. Retaining information
4. Vocabulary

If you have a problem with this, or have questions please ask me and then take the rest up with God or who ever you beleave in.
(end of flyer)

I don’t know if it would help or save me some time explaining myself, but I think for sure I would get a little laugh out of it and also educate some of the mindless educators in my school a little education that they can stick up their ass. How the fuck can you act like you have never come across a student with dyslexia? FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! Like I say all the time, “There is no love for the dyslexic.” So I have to work 10 times harder then everyone else, do you know how tired I am at the end of the day? Do you know how frustrating it is to always be behind on the reading in class because you don’t read fast enough like everyone else does? There are day’s that go by that I ask the world to just give me a break sometimes. It would be nice to screw the top of my head off and take out my brain and set it in a jar on my desk and gaze out my window with not a care in the world, well how could I, no brain inside. I would put it back in don’t worry, but to get a rest from the on going battle I face with myself each day sounds so good. I am glad about one thing, I have a more understanding for others when they don’t understand something then people who don’t, and I think that says a lot.

Helper Girl

Sometimes when I stumble upon a penny on the street I’ll pick it up and as I put it in my pocket I hope it will bring me good luck for what I’m doing that day or what I’m about to do that day and then I also hope that my luck that I have picked up rubs off to the people around me. I’m not sure if thinking about other people is correct when you pick up a penny, but I have never been known to be selfish when it comes to thinking of others or helping out, in fact the best joy out of life is making people laugh and helping out; well for me that is.

For example a friend of the family called me up and asked me if I could watch her little boy for a few days during the week, I was very honored to be asked to help out, being that this woman is bed ridden because she is in a high risk state of possibly losing her 6 month unborn baby. She was really surprised that I said yes and was so happy that I could help out, we hung up and then she called me back to ask how much for babysitting, I told her “nothing, I’m just happy to help”, she refused to hang up until I threw out a number so I did and she thought it was too low, finally we came to an agreement of how much and then hung up. Later that day I met up with my friends and told them about this and one of my guy friends said, “Terese you know that’s really nice of you, if I was you I wouldn’t have said yes” and then when I told my boss the next day she said almost the same thing but added how most people would say no because there are a lot of selfish people in this world, witch over time and even more so now is very true. But at the same time I cant see why you would say no to someone in need?

When I was a child my mother would call me her “helper girl”, I guess I used to help her out around the house and with my baby brother, well as much as a 4-5 yr old could do. Not much has changed, still to this day she calls me that, and even though I roll my eyes when she says it I secretly love it. I remember in 2002 that summer after graduating from high school I decided to read Catcher in the Rye as a free read, and I enjoyed the book but I didn’t fall in love with it right away until Holden talked about how he wanted to catch people and in that very part of the book I cried and I think also I developed a crush on Holden because I thought that was the most unselfish thing to think of. Where have all the unselfish, helpful and trustworthy people gone? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, there are some things in life that I don’t like to help out on and I have my selfish moments and there are some things you cant trust me on but, I am human after all. I think there is a time and place for everything and I feel if you want to lead a happy life you must try to not be selfish and help out others as much as you can wither it be friends, family or your community. As taken advantage of and unappreciated I have been by others I’m never going to stop doing what makes me happy even though my trust will be jaded a bit, but I know doing the right thing is better then not being caring, helpful, trustworthy and unselfish.

I'm in love with Cyrano

My friend, I have my bitter days, knowing myself so ulgy, so alone. Sometimes -