This is so foolish of me to have these feelings but I have them so what can I do, I guess vent!
A bug has crawled up my ass and has set an unpleasant taste in my mouth. Here we go....its about the ex girlfriend! Yep, why this girl bothers me so I don't get it, I wonder is it because in our American culture it is not that common that we stay in touch with our past lovers? That might be one of the reasons another could be that when I met her (more times than I wanted mind you!) she gave me a kiss on both sides of my cheek, I felt it was a "i'll kill her with kindness" gesture. I wanted just a handshake, even though I would have much rather liked a node from a distance. My Guy's friends went back to Slovakia for a summer trip to see family and on there visit they spent some time with her...seemed like a lot! These pictures have made me wonder if I was ever a topic of conversation? Selfish thinking....maybe but I think you would think the same thing too! It has always bothered me that My Guy's friends have seem to take a liking to her more than me but I also think at the time they were together maybe I would have gotten along with his friends too. My Guy's friends have kids now, back then they didn't, kids changes things. Now for me, I can not connect with this people....I have said this many times in other blogs so I don't want to get into this.
I guess my main thing is, did they all talk about me, did they say unkind things. I care to know because I want the truth to come out, I know these people are not crazy about me, my feeling are most of the time right and I want to prove it to myself!
Another feeling I have about this girl, if My Guy and I ever get married will he want her at the wedding? Will he care how I feel or more about if it will hurt HER feelings?
To be even more blunt, I wish she would go away!
Monday, September 3, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
it's for the best
I'd write a letter to my loved ones, telling each of them how I feel, how I really feel about them and then tell them how much they mean to me, how much I loved them. Also giving them instructions in what to do with my things, what to do with my body and how I want to be berried and then apologize leaving them with a Visa bill. Then I would put on "How Disappear Completely", put it on repeat, drink my bottle of Jack, I will be sitting on the side of my bed looking out to the knight sky with it. After I'm good and liquefied up I would cut the side and let the blood drip, let it flow like a river. How sad I will feel whoever finds me, what a scary state I will be in to the person, and they will ask why, over and over again, why did this happen. Even if I tried to explain it would be an excuse I guess; I apparently am full of them! So what difference would it make, I'm gone, gone out of everyone's life, for good, I think it would be for the best, right? No one has to put up with me anymore, no one has to deal with my selfish ways, I don't listen enough, it has to be my way, I just don't get it, excuse after excuse, It has to be perfect, the princess. I wont bother you with any of this anymore, doesn't that make you happy? What would you really miss about me anyways? I am an complaining excuse who blames everyone else for my problems, I had no idea and I still don't get it that I do that. So its for the best. What will I miss? Everything and nothing at the same time!
(I would never have the guts to do this, but if I did I guess this is what I would do)
(I would never have the guts to do this, but if I did I guess this is what I would do)
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Good one!
Thank you Apartment Therapy!
Modern Matrimony: Who Benefits the Most?
When we discuss how we live at home, we inevitably must include who we live with. Who's making coffee in the morning or forgetting to refill the Brita? Maybe it's a boyfriend or girlfriend, or perhaps the relationship is a little more legally binding. As marriage rates declined and divorce rates skyrocketed over the past decades, it seems prudent to ask ourselves: just who's getting the most out of marriage as it stands today?
There's no doubt that ours is an evolving society, and nowhere is that clearer than in our national discourse about marriage. I'd even venture to say that, especially with the recent boycott/zealous support of a certain fast food chicken sandwich chain, it's currently a very polarizing social issue. Believe me, I'm not trying to stir up extra controversy, but I've been thinking about how much the concept of marriage has changed and will continue to adapt to fit our needs and reflect our values.
If we were to believe the movies, it's the woman who pushes for marriage; she cajoles, lures or even manipulates her (often reluctant) man into a state of wedded "bliss." Even if that rather degrading oversimplification of courtship were true, the fact remains that in heterosexual marriage, statistically, it's men who come out ahead. According to Australian economist Paul Frijters, men receive more value (measured monetarily as economists are wont to do) from marriage and have more to lose in the event of a divorce.
Being married makes men happier; married men live longer and achieve more career success. Some speculate that these improvements are due to these former bachelors' experiencing positive lifestyle changes (presumably with the influence of a good woman). But married women, who appear to be the "civilizers," that is, they hoist their men up to their level of health and emotional stability, don't receive as many benefits after tying the knot. In addition, women still tend to shoulder a larger share of the household responsibilities, either due to their socially ingrained roles, or perhaps merely a higher standard of cleanliness.
So what then, you may ask, is the draw for women? Maybe you've noticed that I haven't mentioned love, an essential ingredient for successful marriage (in our society, anyway), and my reason is this: I wouldn't dare try to define what constitutes love and how it manifests in a relationship. Love, commitment and children can, of course, all exist without marriage, but for the sake of this discussion I'm thinking about the institution itself and whether or not it's a system that still makes sense.
Increased opportunities have made women less financially dependent on men but may also have set up a state of diminishing returns. In a fascinating study by Betsy A. Stevenson and Justin Wolfers about the Paradox of Declining Female Happiness, the problem is described like this:
Consideration of the psychology behind happiness might suggest that greater gender equality may lead to a fall in measured well-being. For example, if happiness is assessed relative to outcomes for one's reference group, then greater equality may have led women to compare their outcomes to those of the men around them. In turn, women might find their relative position lower than when their reference group included only women.
So even while women's overall status is improving, increased expectations can lead to decreased satisfaction if those expectations aren't met. While the study was about women's happiness in general, and the numbers remained consistent regardless of whether the women were married or single, it seems logical that with the evolving state of marriage, there are some who want it to evolve more and faster, and others who dig in their heels at the mere mention of change.
Sound familiar? I can't help but point out that this phenomenon applies to more than just men and women but also clearly factors into the evolving definition of marriage and who can legally enter into such a union — thus spawning a chicken showdown.
Obviously, this topic is too broad to sufficiently cover in a short article or even in several hundred pages. I'm in no way railing against marriage, but I am interested in the reasons why people choose to forgo the legal side of love as well as the reasons why others continue to strongly seek it. It seems to me that, far from the fairy tale we're expecting, becoming more conscious of marriage's limitations and heading off potential problems could lead to stronger and more satisfying unions.
What do you think? Does anyone win this particular battle of the sexes?
Modern Matrimony: Who Benefits the Most?
When we discuss how we live at home, we inevitably must include who we live with. Who's making coffee in the morning or forgetting to refill the Brita? Maybe it's a boyfriend or girlfriend, or perhaps the relationship is a little more legally binding. As marriage rates declined and divorce rates skyrocketed over the past decades, it seems prudent to ask ourselves: just who's getting the most out of marriage as it stands today?
There's no doubt that ours is an evolving society, and nowhere is that clearer than in our national discourse about marriage. I'd even venture to say that, especially with the recent boycott/zealous support of a certain fast food chicken sandwich chain, it's currently a very polarizing social issue. Believe me, I'm not trying to stir up extra controversy, but I've been thinking about how much the concept of marriage has changed and will continue to adapt to fit our needs and reflect our values.
If we were to believe the movies, it's the woman who pushes for marriage; she cajoles, lures or even manipulates her (often reluctant) man into a state of wedded "bliss." Even if that rather degrading oversimplification of courtship were true, the fact remains that in heterosexual marriage, statistically, it's men who come out ahead. According to Australian economist Paul Frijters, men receive more value (measured monetarily as economists are wont to do) from marriage and have more to lose in the event of a divorce.
Being married makes men happier; married men live longer and achieve more career success. Some speculate that these improvements are due to these former bachelors' experiencing positive lifestyle changes (presumably with the influence of a good woman). But married women, who appear to be the "civilizers," that is, they hoist their men up to their level of health and emotional stability, don't receive as many benefits after tying the knot. In addition, women still tend to shoulder a larger share of the household responsibilities, either due to their socially ingrained roles, or perhaps merely a higher standard of cleanliness.
So what then, you may ask, is the draw for women? Maybe you've noticed that I haven't mentioned love, an essential ingredient for successful marriage (in our society, anyway), and my reason is this: I wouldn't dare try to define what constitutes love and how it manifests in a relationship. Love, commitment and children can, of course, all exist without marriage, but for the sake of this discussion I'm thinking about the institution itself and whether or not it's a system that still makes sense.
Increased opportunities have made women less financially dependent on men but may also have set up a state of diminishing returns. In a fascinating study by Betsy A. Stevenson and Justin Wolfers about the Paradox of Declining Female Happiness, the problem is described like this:
Consideration of the psychology behind happiness might suggest that greater gender equality may lead to a fall in measured well-being. For example, if happiness is assessed relative to outcomes for one's reference group, then greater equality may have led women to compare their outcomes to those of the men around them. In turn, women might find their relative position lower than when their reference group included only women.
So even while women's overall status is improving, increased expectations can lead to decreased satisfaction if those expectations aren't met. While the study was about women's happiness in general, and the numbers remained consistent regardless of whether the women were married or single, it seems logical that with the evolving state of marriage, there are some who want it to evolve more and faster, and others who dig in their heels at the mere mention of change.
Sound familiar? I can't help but point out that this phenomenon applies to more than just men and women but also clearly factors into the evolving definition of marriage and who can legally enter into such a union — thus spawning a chicken showdown.
Obviously, this topic is too broad to sufficiently cover in a short article or even in several hundred pages. I'm in no way railing against marriage, but I am interested in the reasons why people choose to forgo the legal side of love as well as the reasons why others continue to strongly seek it. It seems to me that, far from the fairy tale we're expecting, becoming more conscious of marriage's limitations and heading off potential problems could lead to stronger and more satisfying unions.
What do you think? Does anyone win this particular battle of the sexes?
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Winston my love
A dog that I used to take care of for a friend of the family passed away in back in February, and I was sad being that he was such a cute little guy. The love I have for dogs I feel sometimes goes beyond a little bit unhealthy but how can you not help yourself? Dogs are awesome creatures!
Wanting a dog in my life was feeling stronger and stronger as time went by, and maybe Buddie's death woke up that void, who knows. My Guy and I would sometimes go to Fort Funston just to be around dogs....and also take in the amazing views! So, finally this strong void took over and I started to look at dog's on-line, I was looking all over the bay area and not one dog caught my eye. I am very picky about what I wear so why wouldn't I be picky about my dog, right? I would looking for a male, not a puppy, but not old ether, and he needed to be a Terrier, that's the bread of dog I like. I came up on PetFinder.com and there was Winston, this cute little guy, little did I know getting him was going to be a little big of an issue!
Winston was in Fresno, that's 4 hours from San Francisco, also Fresno, I did not know this, 80% of animals in Fresno are killed!!! 80%, that's a big number!!! Winston was found by a family that finds strays off the street and tries to find them homes, not only did My Guy and I help someone out but we also got a free dog!That late afternoon when we got back into the city My Guy was very excited that we got a dog so he told on of his friends, his friend replayed back "my wife and I dont understand why you went all the way to Fresno to get a dog when there are hundreds of dogs in SF that need a home!" I cried, maybe I was PMSing but that comment made me cry! Why do you care where I got the dog, maybe ASK WHY we went to Fresno!!!!
Anyways, My Guy and I are happy with our little boy Winston and I love having a dog back into my life, they are such wonderful creatures!!!
Hear is our little boy....
Wanting a dog in my life was feeling stronger and stronger as time went by, and maybe Buddie's death woke up that void, who knows. My Guy and I would sometimes go to Fort Funston just to be around dogs....and also take in the amazing views! So, finally this strong void took over and I started to look at dog's on-line, I was looking all over the bay area and not one dog caught my eye. I am very picky about what I wear so why wouldn't I be picky about my dog, right? I would looking for a male, not a puppy, but not old ether, and he needed to be a Terrier, that's the bread of dog I like. I came up on PetFinder.com and there was Winston, this cute little guy, little did I know getting him was going to be a little big of an issue!
Winston was in Fresno, that's 4 hours from San Francisco, also Fresno, I did not know this, 80% of animals in Fresno are killed!!! 80%, that's a big number!!! Winston was found by a family that finds strays off the street and tries to find them homes, not only did My Guy and I help someone out but we also got a free dog!That late afternoon when we got back into the city My Guy was very excited that we got a dog so he told on of his friends, his friend replayed back "my wife and I dont understand why you went all the way to Fresno to get a dog when there are hundreds of dogs in SF that need a home!" I cried, maybe I was PMSing but that comment made me cry! Why do you care where I got the dog, maybe ASK WHY we went to Fresno!!!!
Anyways, My Guy and I are happy with our little boy Winston and I love having a dog back into my life, they are such wonderful creatures!!!
Hear is our little boy....
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Bloody nose
3 weeks of non stop being around people, family and boyfriend, I feel like I am going to explode, or dig a hole and hid in it. I am so in dire need of some alone time, I need to not talk to anyone for a day, I want to me in my head with my own thoughts, do my own thing.
I woke up this morning for the time EVER I woke up with a bloody nose and I felt horrible, I felt like I was going to throw up. Was this my body telling me something?
I have been feeling really, really, really stressed out lately. My birthday was over the weekend and it was the one of the worst birthday's ever, the only light was MY Guy giving me flowers and some gifts and my cousin making a video for me, other then that it was lame. I wonder what 29 is going to hold for me, for the past 3 day's its been not fun, just nothing but stress!
I got a dog, i'll blog about that....when I feel like it.
I woke up this morning for the time EVER I woke up with a bloody nose and I felt horrible, I felt like I was going to throw up. Was this my body telling me something?
I have been feeling really, really, really stressed out lately. My birthday was over the weekend and it was the one of the worst birthday's ever, the only light was MY Guy giving me flowers and some gifts and my cousin making a video for me, other then that it was lame. I wonder what 29 is going to hold for me, for the past 3 day's its been not fun, just nothing but stress!
I got a dog, i'll blog about that....when I feel like it.
Monday, July 30, 2012
You marry your mother or father?
Don't get all excited folks, no one is getting married! My Guy has told me in the past that some how I am able to push his buttons like his mother does and I also have ways about myself that remind him of his mother. He never shows this angry side of himself, only to his mother....and now lucky me. But this is whats hard, I am going back and forth with myself, am I really doing or saying something wrong that makes him upset or does this guy have some "mamma issues" OR am I so stubborn and blind that I don't see what I'm doing to set him off? I really wish I could have a 3rd party in the room when we get into an argument I would really like to know what happened, what did I say, what did he say?
It's sad day for me, I am sad, worried and nervous. My Guy means a lot to me, he's important in my life. A friend of mine was in her drunkenness made a post and complained on a social network site about how can the person you are dating be the most important person in you life. I didn't respond even though I wanted to, like I have said many times on this blog that I have met very, very , very few people in my life that gave a shit about me, I seem to always put myself out there too much and not get much in return. Be my friend like I am trying to do with you, tell me about your day, I CARE, tell me your sad, I CARE, ask me to go with you to the doctors, I WILL, tell me your fish died and you want to have a funeral, I WILL GO AND BRING FLOWERS!!! BUT, YOU HAVE TO GIVE ALL OF THIS BACK TO ME!!!!!
The vibes in the air are a little off and my path in narrow. Keep going?
It's sad day for me, I am sad, worried and nervous. My Guy means a lot to me, he's important in my life. A friend of mine was in her drunkenness made a post and complained on a social network site about how can the person you are dating be the most important person in you life. I didn't respond even though I wanted to, like I have said many times on this blog that I have met very, very , very few people in my life that gave a shit about me, I seem to always put myself out there too much and not get much in return. Be my friend like I am trying to do with you, tell me about your day, I CARE, tell me your sad, I CARE, ask me to go with you to the doctors, I WILL, tell me your fish died and you want to have a funeral, I WILL GO AND BRING FLOWERS!!! BUT, YOU HAVE TO GIVE ALL OF THIS BACK TO ME!!!!!
The vibes in the air are a little off and my path in narrow. Keep going?
Monday, July 23, 2012
S.O.S
2 weeks I thought would be a great idea as I agreed with My Guy who suggested we stay in Hawaii for that long instead of one week like usual. I want to be back in SF, I miss home and the SF air on my face, I feel in a way I can't breath here! I also want a few days away from My Guy, we have been bickering I think to often and also the Gemini he is this spilt personality has been too much for me.
Save me!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
I hate you....
Dear Vagina,
I hate you! YOU SUCK!!! I try to keep you from spiting out cottage cheese but WHATEVER I DO, EAT, TAKE, YOU STILL SPIT OUT COTTAGE CHEESE!!! Please STOP!!! You make my life a living hell and also I feel my sex drive has been flushed down the toilet because of you!!!
It really sucks that I can't enjoy the foods and drinks like I used to, now knowing that most of them can cause the cottage cheese effect I feel what's the point of eating or drinking. I cant eat anything with high levels of sugar, and that is MOST FOOD!!! Also booze, booze has lots of sugar in it!!!
I am in a constant battle with you, constantly!! We are at it 24/7, if I could trade you in for a brand now one, I WOULD!!!! You are so annoying in my life, you bring nothing but hate when I think of you. At this point I would take a penis, only because I dislike my vagina SO MUCH!!!
I have enough shit in my life, you Vagina are something I should not need to think about, BUT I DO EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!
FUCK YOU VAGINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, June 4, 2012
when I'm daydreaming
I belong in a sleepy beach town, with my dog and I work at a art studio and I wear clogs and take naps over the weekend in the sun on my deck wrapped in a blanket hearing the waves go in and out.
I start a new job for 2 weeks, I had a dream a few weeks ago about me making lots of money, Im keeping a positive outlook on this dream!
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