Non of this is real

Am I real? is this life real? Am I stuck in a matrix? Or have I lost my mind like The Narrator in Fight Club, I somehow created a world that's all fucked up and depressing and at some point I plan of killing myself but don't know it yet but it's going to happen because I live in a world that I made and I know every step and every move I'm going to make and every word that is going to come out of my mouth? I see people with jobs, they have a place of their own, they are married, they have a couch, they have friends, they are happy and they nice things and here I am, feeling that all of this is a facade, a mirage. I am really in a coma in a science lab, I am wearing a hospital gown, my hair is all greasy, my legs hairy, I am pale and I have big white grandma underwear on. Sometimes they put a sweater on me and they feed me bananas and tomato soup. I get to go outside for about an hour each day just to know what the sun feels like on my skin and what fresh air feels like on my face, then they put me back in the room and hook me back up again. No one really talks to me, kind of like my fake life, although when they do, but its shallow. I have been yearning for a dog, do I yearn for a dog for real? And yes, I want a dog that smells I guess, not the ones that have a punched in face. I am a project and this life is not real, and my real life is sad just like my fake one and I never had a chance in hell to succeed in this life, none of this is real, I was born a guinea pig and one day I will get old and my brain will not work very well and they will put me in a room to look out the window and watch the birds and cars pass by until one day I close my eyes and never open them again.

I'm a bad girl anyway....

My Last Apperence

I am writing this with a hurt heart and anger, my Saturday was more bitter then sweet. My sweet part was having a drink with my mother at the Little Shamrock, she has always wanted to go and I was happy to get to take her and what a perfect day on St. Patrick's day to do so!

My bitter part was with my boyfriends friends. I have talked about them before and I hope this is the last time I talk about them, because Sat was and will be the last time I ever want to see them! They are rude, they picked on me and made fun of me. They have no manners, their children are brats. And I have a feeling they don't really like me anyways, so I am going to do everyone a favor! From now on anytime my boyfriend brings up going over to the East Bay I will tell him I am not interested....it will not be easy because he can't just say "okay" EVERYTHING has to be fallowed with a "why, tell me the reason"...."okay, your friends are jerks and I would rather watch paint peel off the wall then spend a weekend day with them"!

I have cut people out of my life who I felt were not being nice to me and I will continue to do so. I am a very nice person, I never want to make anyone feel unwelcome around me and these people do a very good job of making me feel not-welcome! They need to learn some American manners, oh that's right they are from Europe, so there for they are better, well guess what your children are American and if you continue to live here your grandchildren will be American, so are you better then your own children?

Good bye East Bay Jerks, I'm looking forward to a weekend with out you and your brat kids!

A change of heart

Yesterday morning I was thinking about if Kony was found and was killed what would happen to all of the children? All of those children, 30 thousand of them are all fucked up (mentally disturbed), who is going to clean that up? Also, it wont be so simple for these kids to fall back into a normal routine if they get to reunite with their parents; that's if they didn't kill them. And what if they did kill them, who is going to take care of them, that's a lot of orphans!

I was also thinking, is finding this creep so simple? Send some US troops over, find the guy, kill the guy, everyone is happy and then our troops go home?
Kony has brain washed little boys to kill and when any outsiders come close they will kill so they run the risk of being killed as well. So in a way are we really helping the children after all? We want to save them, not kill them!

I didn't understand all of this video, but what I think I got from it was that if we proceed to support this Kony cause, are we ourselves are creating a new war? And if so, we are trying to end the Middle East one and end war for good! No one wants a new war!

My heart was all for this cause, and now I am having second thoughts, I don't want to be apart of something that might create a war! I remember the day it was announced when our troops were going to war back in 2003-4? I remember walking home from class and a feeling took over me, my heart felt heavy, the wind knocked out of me, knowing that things will forever be different...and they have! I want to help, but is the way they are asking the right way?

First step, right track....a come back!

it used to be movies and music

When I was in high school my life was all about music and movies. After high school I continued to stay with my hobby, I dont know when it happened but something got in the way or did I loose interest? I'm not blaming it on other people but I do have a hard time balancing my hobby's and people in my life. When I didnt have really any friends, I would go to the movies and rest movies A LOT, and when I was single I would go to concert or venue shows A LOT. I got to pick and choose how I wanted to spend my time, now I feel I can't. My life is mostly spent on looking for jobs and making sure I have my laundry done for the weekend because I will be with the boyfriend.

I would pick up a SF Weekly and Bay Guardian every Wed when I went to school and then I would check some of the movie houses on-line, I used to check out Pitchfork too. Now I'm all into fashion blogs, can I go back, can I be into both? Did I forget all about that part of my life because that's what I did when I was younger or because that was a really sad part of my life....I dont know, but I do know I miss it!

I miss my simple little bubble life, everything was in it's right place, everything was quiet, I had a routine, I had a routine, I dont have one anymore. I feel i'm not allowed.

I want to be able to do my thing without someone telling me otherwise, but thats not possible.

I'm not sure what's going to happen to me, but I'm scared that what used to make me happy will someday really disappear.

i NEED a friend

That is all.

Passion-less

My job hunting is still going on, although I have reached out to 2 people that I have known for a while and one responded to my plea! I will be meeting with this women who is going to help me with my resume and then go from there I guess. I am very grateful and thankful this is a start! I have also signed up to some babysitting/nanny sites, I really dont want to take care of kids but I know I cant hunt for an office job forever, money needs to be made!

I had a dream the other night of a black cat, it was in my room hiding under my bed and I wanted him out! My boyfriend sent me a link to what it means to have a cat in your dream and its was very interesting, the info was spot on; this is what is said, "To see a black cat means that you have some hesitation in determining what you actually want out of life" also " If you chase the cat then this shows that obstacles are currently in your way". I am very hesitant in determining what I want out of my life and for sure I have felt for a very long time that I have obstacles in my life.

I have been thinking if my family plays a role in some way of how things have ended up the way are, I was thinking what if I had artistic or creative parents, parents who were passionate about life, would I have been a more "go getter"? My parents are blue collar workers and people, honest life and honest living, simple, just the way they like it. And its fine, but what if they had a fun passion? I always admired kids who had parents who were into music or decorating their home, or even a passion for their kids! It would also be helpful and nice if I had some passionate and creative friends in my life.

I keep telling myself that if someone could just give me a chance a paying/paycheck chance it would be awesome, it would really lift me up. I have felt so dead, lifeless for too long and I also feel my brain is getting dumber! Seriously, I feel dumb!

To have the right kind of people in your life is really important, but I also think to have people who inspire you, who are passionate is also important.

Something new for my room

The red plastic thing and the doll

One weekend my family and I attended a school fair, a friend of the family her children went to this school. There were all kinds of games to play and arts and crafts to do, there was one game I remember playing; there was a tent and inside the tent was all these little plastic figures and you had to find the red one, it was very hard also you had to find it in one minute. If you found it, you won a doll, I wanted that doll SO BAD (I was like 7yr old), I didn't find that red plastic thing, and I remember the lady standing outside that tent counting down to 10, I also remember crying when my Mom and I walked away.

I don't know if that was the first time I can remember experiencing being under pressure, why that moment in my life sticks out more then others, but trying hard at something and then failing has always been a sore spot in my life, I don't handle it well! Searching for a job has been feeling like trying to find the red plastic thing in the tent and getting a job will be like winning that the doll.

I have not cried in a little while but I am sensitive more then usual, I know and am very aware how lucky I am, I have a caring family and a caring/helpful boyfriend but its hard sometimes to see it when your so obsessed in finding that red plastic thing, and you wonder is it ever going to happen, will I get that doll someday?