Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Thursday, December 1, 2011
I'm sure I have been more naughty then nice
But, I will still ask and see what happens! So Santa, you decide!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
screw you all!
My Thanksgiving this year will be a little different, I will be spending it with My Guy's friends, in a way I am not really excited about it, but not that I would have a better time with my own family! You see from the time I met his friends they have not really been the most open arms kind of people; I'm not looking to be best friends with this these people but I would like to feel welcome, and I don't! My Guy says that if we hung out more with them so they could get to know me better they would be more open and then like me..........well I that's a bunch of bull shit, I mean really, you either like someone or you don't when you meet them, so there for they don't like me! Also my I add that the women in his group of friends have really not been welcoming the way I think they should, they talk Slovak around me or in front of, they will sit in a group together, never inviting me over to join in the conversation.....I mean why would they, they are not speaking English!
All of them have children and I find it soooooo odd that they never share their child with anyone, I'm used to people asking "would you like to hold her/him?" and would it really take 5 min out of your life to brush and put clean looking cloths on your child, really, really! I'm sure I have no right to say any of these things because I'm not married, I don't have children, bla bla bla, well I have taken care of kids for a while now and it really does not take a lot of time to put clean looking cloths and brush the kids hair, it really doesn't!
I know these people will be in my life in some way for a very long time and for as long as they show that they have no real interest in making me feel welcome, I will continue to bad mouth them! Just like they also like to bad mouth my country, funny how they all want that green card but will turn around and say America sucks, well go the fuck back to your country! Is America perfect, fuck no, yes we have problems, what sate or country doesn't, but I am very proud and lucky to be an American and will not tolerate non Americans to bad mouth MY country!
I want to say that I have tried to start converstation I have offerd my help, I am freindly when I come over, I have put my hand out, I have done my part and now I give up, fuck it!
All of them have children and I find it soooooo odd that they never share their child with anyone, I'm used to people asking "would you like to hold her/him?" and would it really take 5 min out of your life to brush and put clean looking cloths on your child, really, really! I'm sure I have no right to say any of these things because I'm not married, I don't have children, bla bla bla, well I have taken care of kids for a while now and it really does not take a lot of time to put clean looking cloths and brush the kids hair, it really doesn't!
I know these people will be in my life in some way for a very long time and for as long as they show that they have no real interest in making me feel welcome, I will continue to bad mouth them! Just like they also like to bad mouth my country, funny how they all want that green card but will turn around and say America sucks, well go the fuck back to your country! Is America perfect, fuck no, yes we have problems, what sate or country doesn't, but I am very proud and lucky to be an American and will not tolerate non Americans to bad mouth MY country!
I want to say that I have tried to start converstation I have offerd my help, I am freindly when I come over, I have put my hand out, I have done my part and now I give up, fuck it!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Deeper than chap-stick
Last night My Guy stopped by to pick up his wallet because he had forgot it in my purse and so did I till 10pm Sunday night. I was in the living room when he came over and he asked me if his wallet was in my room I said "yes as well with your coffee cup". I have to tell you a little back story first before I finish this story.
In 7th grade their was a girl in my class named Kelly, for whatever reason she didn't like me very much but at the same time tried very hard to be my friend. One day I invited her over with a bunch of other girls from my class to my house, at the time I had this lipstick that I just LOVED, and would put jut a little bit on my lips because I never wanted to use too much for it would run out. All of us girls went to the mall and then later that day came back home, the Mom's came and picked up the girls to go home. That evening I was in my room and noticed that my lipstick was gone! I looked everywhere for it and could not find it, I was very upset.
On Monday I had told the girls who had came over that my favorite lipstick was gone and how upset I was, later that day I found it in the pocket of my jacket, I thought it was really strange, my best friend at the time said she had seen Kelly put it in my jacket. Word had gotten around school that Kelly steals and bla bla bla, I didn't make a big deal about it but I didn't get why she would do that to me. So later that evening Kelly called my house crying and saying she was so sorry and so embarrassed that she took my lipstick. I expected her apology but asked her why she did it, she said that it is a bad habit she has and she has stolen a lot worse things and has gotten in lots of trouble with her parents for it, she doesn't really know why she does it. I'm not saying that from then on I have been wary of people I don't know very well in my room, but it has in a way. I am very protective and possessive of my room, I don't even like it when people come in and look all around it makes me nervous; it drive me crazy when people take things my room and don't ask or let me know! My room is apart of me, it is my safe place, all of favorite things are here, everything has a place and I know where everything is.
Back to my story, when I'm not using my purse I like to take my wallet, hand lotion, chap-stick, make-up bag, key's and clipper card out and lay them on my desk or bench, for some reason My Guy felt that my chap-stick was his so he took it without asking. I noticed that my chap-stick was gone after he had left and I asked him over G-chat, he said yes he took it, he had a feeling it was his. I was a little bit upset because 1. he took something from my room without asking, 2. this is the guy who has 3 chap-sticks already, and 3. was it really hard for him to say something to me??? "oh hey, is that chap-stick on your bench mine or yours".....so easy! He said how will I deal when we live together and I said I will have an area of my own that will be all mine and I will be fine with that.
It's not about the chap-stick I think he didn't get, it was that he was in my room by himself, took something that was mine and never said anything to me. I didn't sleep well last night, the thought of what he did really bothered me, it made me feel naked .This is an issue of mine, it might be a silly one but it's my thing. Please just ask me if you want to barrow or have something of mine, it will end up a lot better.
In 7th grade their was a girl in my class named Kelly, for whatever reason she didn't like me very much but at the same time tried very hard to be my friend. One day I invited her over with a bunch of other girls from my class to my house, at the time I had this lipstick that I just LOVED, and would put jut a little bit on my lips because I never wanted to use too much for it would run out. All of us girls went to the mall and then later that day came back home, the Mom's came and picked up the girls to go home. That evening I was in my room and noticed that my lipstick was gone! I looked everywhere for it and could not find it, I was very upset.
On Monday I had told the girls who had came over that my favorite lipstick was gone and how upset I was, later that day I found it in the pocket of my jacket, I thought it was really strange, my best friend at the time said she had seen Kelly put it in my jacket. Word had gotten around school that Kelly steals and bla bla bla, I didn't make a big deal about it but I didn't get why she would do that to me. So later that evening Kelly called my house crying and saying she was so sorry and so embarrassed that she took my lipstick. I expected her apology but asked her why she did it, she said that it is a bad habit she has and she has stolen a lot worse things and has gotten in lots of trouble with her parents for it, she doesn't really know why she does it. I'm not saying that from then on I have been wary of people I don't know very well in my room, but it has in a way. I am very protective and possessive of my room, I don't even like it when people come in and look all around it makes me nervous; it drive me crazy when people take things my room and don't ask or let me know! My room is apart of me, it is my safe place, all of favorite things are here, everything has a place and I know where everything is.
Back to my story, when I'm not using my purse I like to take my wallet, hand lotion, chap-stick, make-up bag, key's and clipper card out and lay them on my desk or bench, for some reason My Guy felt that my chap-stick was his so he took it without asking. I noticed that my chap-stick was gone after he had left and I asked him over G-chat, he said yes he took it, he had a feeling it was his. I was a little bit upset because 1. he took something from my room without asking, 2. this is the guy who has 3 chap-sticks already, and 3. was it really hard for him to say something to me??? "oh hey, is that chap-stick on your bench mine or yours".....so easy! He said how will I deal when we live together and I said I will have an area of my own that will be all mine and I will be fine with that.
It's not about the chap-stick I think he didn't get, it was that he was in my room by himself, took something that was mine and never said anything to me. I didn't sleep well last night, the thought of what he did really bothered me, it made me feel naked .This is an issue of mine, it might be a silly one but it's my thing. Please just ask me if you want to barrow or have something of mine, it will end up a lot better.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
It will happen.....someday, I'll make sure of it!
As my dream to become an inter designer will never happen....(because I don't think I have what it takes in a professional's eyes)another dream of mine would be to have created this awesome space or many rooms and then be featured in a design magazine....I think the inter-web will have to do AND I am SO OKAY with this!!! It would be like Vogue to me. Anyways, I stumbled across this website and I like that it allows you to submit pictures of your place or a few rooms of your house and then if they like what you got then you get a pro photographer to come in and then you are featured!
The site
A few pic's,
Kate & Mark's Mission Statement
Jeremy & Anna;s Lots of Light
Laura and Zev' Bold Colors
Praveen's Innovative and Playful Home
What I really like about this site is that not everyone's place is right out of a magazine, and not everyone's place is in some posh part of the city. These are real people expressing and sharing their craft; it's inspiring and beautiful!
The site
A few pic's,
Kate & Mark's Mission Statement
Jeremy & Anna;s Lots of Light
Laura and Zev' Bold Colors
Praveen's Innovative and Playful Home
What I really like about this site is that not everyone's place is right out of a magazine, and not everyone's place is in some posh part of the city. These are real people expressing and sharing their craft; it's inspiring and beautiful!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Lost
I don't remember when I walked into the dark forest but I just realized I am lost and I want to be found now.
I don't remember the last time I felt sexy or pretty. I am lifeless, sexless, not me.
How can I fix this?
I can only take one day at a time, I can only give my best...and I'm sorry if it's not good enough or what you want. I don't always understand everything. I am a zombie.
I am so jaded, I am so insecure, I'm sure it's not okay to have the feeling that I don't see my chip ever falling off my shoulder.
Find me, guide me with your hand and flashlight.
Sorry.
I don't remember the last time I felt sexy or pretty. I am lifeless, sexless, not me.
How can I fix this?
I can only take one day at a time, I can only give my best...and I'm sorry if it's not good enough or what you want. I don't always understand everything. I am a zombie.
I am so jaded, I am so insecure, I'm sure it's not okay to have the feeling that I don't see my chip ever falling off my shoulder.
Find me, guide me with your hand and flashlight.
Sorry.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Beyond the battle with the fog!
I am grumpy, I am a grumpy, grumpy person and I think I have been all my life. I also think I have been more grumpy being that I have not seen the sun in like a month....maybe even more!!!! I'm so desperate I would even go to Burning Man.....and that is saying a lot!!! Fuck this fog!!!
One day I was at a family event, the event was being held at this public park and all the cousins (older then I) seemed to want to eat at this table that was on this hill, I always wanted to hang out with the older kids, and I remember I had a plate full of cherry tomatoes and mozzarella squares....I'm sure I had other food but this is all I can remember (I might have been 7years old) I remember trying to climb up this dirt hill to the table holding my paper plate in one hand and trying to use my other hand to grab the ground to make it up this steep hill. I wasn't going well, the sandals I had on did not have a good grip to the ground and I remember calling for help and watching my lunch fall off my plate and roll to the bottom of the hill. Some of them looked at me, some of them laughed at me and some of them ignored me. I don't know if someone ended up helping me but I remember feeling so frustrated, embarrassed and pissed!
I have a hard time thinking of a lot of happy times in my life, the bad out ways the good, and being that I feel I am a grumpy person I think a lot about the bad. The good has started to come around more scene I have met My Guy but when the good comes sometimes I feel guilty, I also feel guilty for having him in my life.....hell I feel sometimes I should just be alone for the rest of my life!
I hate questions from other people, I hate it! I feel harassed, picked on, invaded. Even simple questions, I know it's awful but it's me.
I have never agreed with suicide but I read this Hollywood article last week of this guy killing himself because all of this dirty laundry was exposed and he was also in serious debt. I have always felt that God gave you this life and he is the only one to take you out of it, but I also understand when things get to be too much for someone, when life has not really worked out the way you hoped for or you just don't see the light down the tunnel happening any time soon, I get why someone want's to say good bye to life.
I am not an easy person sometimes to be with I am not an easy person with myself! There has been a battle going on for so long that I'm not sure it will even end.
I don't know what this blog is about, but I obviously had some things on my mind.
One day I was at a family event, the event was being held at this public park and all the cousins (older then I) seemed to want to eat at this table that was on this hill, I always wanted to hang out with the older kids, and I remember I had a plate full of cherry tomatoes and mozzarella squares....I'm sure I had other food but this is all I can remember (I might have been 7years old) I remember trying to climb up this dirt hill to the table holding my paper plate in one hand and trying to use my other hand to grab the ground to make it up this steep hill. I wasn't going well, the sandals I had on did not have a good grip to the ground and I remember calling for help and watching my lunch fall off my plate and roll to the bottom of the hill. Some of them looked at me, some of them laughed at me and some of them ignored me. I don't know if someone ended up helping me but I remember feeling so frustrated, embarrassed and pissed!
I have a hard time thinking of a lot of happy times in my life, the bad out ways the good, and being that I feel I am a grumpy person I think a lot about the bad. The good has started to come around more scene I have met My Guy but when the good comes sometimes I feel guilty, I also feel guilty for having him in my life.....hell I feel sometimes I should just be alone for the rest of my life!
I hate questions from other people, I hate it! I feel harassed, picked on, invaded. Even simple questions, I know it's awful but it's me.
I have never agreed with suicide but I read this Hollywood article last week of this guy killing himself because all of this dirty laundry was exposed and he was also in serious debt. I have always felt that God gave you this life and he is the only one to take you out of it, but I also understand when things get to be too much for someone, when life has not really worked out the way you hoped for or you just don't see the light down the tunnel happening any time soon, I get why someone want's to say good bye to life.
I am not an easy person sometimes to be with I am not an easy person with myself! There has been a battle going on for so long that I'm not sure it will even end.
I don't know what this blog is about, but I obviously had some things on my mind.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Chop Liver
Do you ever feel like chop liver sometimes? I do and have for some time now, but what can you do about it, if you say something it might come off as whining, so it's just better to sit back and smell like liver...or you can blog about it!
When I went to Europe to meet My Guy's family we staid with one of My Guy's friend, she was the nicest girl I think I had ever meet and I was really sad to say good bye to her, she was to me the ideal friend that I had always wanted...she thought about me, we thought about each other! We could really talk about things and we listened to each other and were interested in what we both had to say. Last week a different friend of My Guy came to visit SF, he knew her from a summer camp he had worked at, I had only met her when I was in Europe a few months back for just a few hours and she seemed nice so I was looking forward to meeting her again to her visit to SF! My only complaint was that she was a chatty Kathy, this girl could talk!!!! But besides that we got along very well, I played host and tour guide we girl talked it up, and she even got me a birthday present.....she didn't even really know me!!!! I was a little sad to say good bye to her as well because again the time spent with her was something I wish I could have all the time in SF.
I think I have always had bad luck, or I am just too nice and too sensitive, or maybe too needy, who knows but theses two girls showed me that my dream was made into a reality even if it was a for a few day's or 2 weeks! Is it wrong to want something so simple? The last 24 hours I have been thinking that maybe friendships are treated and thought about differently in Europe then in America, but then again I'm not sure because I was friends with a girl from Italy and she was a bitch to me. Maybe it was just these girls, maybe....it will be something I will remember and think about forever and I will never stop yearning for it!
Till then, I will be chop liver!
When I went to Europe to meet My Guy's family we staid with one of My Guy's friend, she was the nicest girl I think I had ever meet and I was really sad to say good bye to her, she was to me the ideal friend that I had always wanted...she thought about me, we thought about each other! We could really talk about things and we listened to each other and were interested in what we both had to say. Last week a different friend of My Guy came to visit SF, he knew her from a summer camp he had worked at, I had only met her when I was in Europe a few months back for just a few hours and she seemed nice so I was looking forward to meeting her again to her visit to SF! My only complaint was that she was a chatty Kathy, this girl could talk!!!! But besides that we got along very well, I played host and tour guide we girl talked it up, and she even got me a birthday present.....she didn't even really know me!!!! I was a little sad to say good bye to her as well because again the time spent with her was something I wish I could have all the time in SF.
I think I have always had bad luck, or I am just too nice and too sensitive, or maybe too needy, who knows but theses two girls showed me that my dream was made into a reality even if it was a for a few day's or 2 weeks! Is it wrong to want something so simple? The last 24 hours I have been thinking that maybe friendships are treated and thought about differently in Europe then in America, but then again I'm not sure because I was friends with a girl from Italy and she was a bitch to me. Maybe it was just these girls, maybe....it will be something I will remember and think about forever and I will never stop yearning for it!
Till then, I will be chop liver!
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