Deal with it and make a change!

I am noticing more and more women my age or around my age and even younger, like teens and kids are extremely insecure and the level of insecurity is scary. I have my own insecurities but I don’t feel I carry the level that other women have. My own would be my skin and the way I dress and the statues of my life right now I feel is not up to par the way I feel it should be, other than that I think I’m all good.

This thought came across my mind as I was getting a taxi ride home from after attending my friend’s birthday. When I was thinking in the car of the list I hear young women talk about its scary, are there less and less girls being raised to think that “you” are the only person that matters and no one else counts? I know that sounds cheesy but its true. Who is a magazine, the media or anybody else to tell me how I have to be, look or act. Maybe this is easy for me to say because I don’t have anybody issues. I was teased heavily when I was younger for being too skinny but I never understood what the big deal was when I got teased. Then when I got into high school some of the girls would say things and I still didn’t get it. Now that I’m adult I get it now, they think because I’m skinny life if perfect for me. WRONG!!!!!!!! Do you know how self conscious I am, the last thing I want to do is make some other women feel intimidated that I think I’m hot shit because I have a better body then her. Almost every day someone (women mostly) say something about my body and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. What do you say to “God I wish I was skinny as you” WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT???? I never know how to react; I wish I could say “Please leave me alone”. My mother never talked about my body, really the only thing she said was “I was skinny just like you when I was young; it runs in the family, there is nothing you can do about it”. So, there is nothing I can do about it, I can’t change this to make other women feel comfortable and you know what I wouldn’t! I’m not going to change to make you feel more comfortable around me. If anything women and young girls need positive role models to teach them who they are matters and no one else. I know I’m really lucky to have and had amazing women in my life that have taught me it’s not healthy to obsess over things like this. Focusing on speaking your mind, being louder than the guys, educating yourself and the most important part BEING COMFORTABLE BEING BY YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!! I bet if this way of thinking was instilled on young girls things would be so much different. You have to love yourself and you need to learn how to be comfortable with yourself, it’s the best gift you can ever give.

Lost and Robotic

Smashing bottles is all I can think about. I’m in a field and I’m stand at home plate, this guy throws me a 40oz empty bottle and I hit it with my aluminum bat, glass flying everywhere the frustration that has been built up inside of me has been released and it feels so good. This thought of action that I would like to partake in has worried me a bit but if I was punching my little fist into walls then for sure I would be worried (and in a lot of pain). I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week on why I have been so angry, and I finally boiled it down to that change has happened and an opportunity that I want to provide for myself to make a life of my own is not going to happen as soon as I was hoping for.

Change can be good, change can also suck. In my case, it sucks and it will always suck unless this situation goes back to normal……….fat chance. Then this making a life for myself, I guess that will just have to be put on hold and continue to put everyone else first. It’s so tempting to tell everyone to go fuck themselves. I have also been thinking of taking a week or 2 off from everyone, not hanging out with my friends, ect., enjoying some serious me time. I kind of feel lost and robotic and would like the feeling of “life is awesome” to come back, because I know this mind state that I’m in is not healthy. I can’t even nap!! And for those who know me, napping is very important to me.

His name was Up-Chuck

It was going to be an awesome night, I could feel it. I went to SF State to see my friends who graduated, took pictures, gave flowers, went back to the apartment, smoked then went to this AMIZING Italian restaurant in the Castro all the waters were good looking, even the owner and the host, “Why do they all have to be gay, WHY???” Anyways, conversation was flowing, plates were being shared, my tummy hadn’t been this happy in a very long time. When it was time to go we met with my friend Heather then headed over to the gay club the Look Out. Music was fun; all the girls were their Britney, Mary J, Madonna and Robyn then to top it off DRAG QUEENS. I think I secretly want to be a drag queen I think they are so fabulous, a dream come true would be for one to do my make-up and then hang out with them for a night. Anyways back to the story….free drinks are being passed out I’m already kind of gone, I get on the dance floor with my friends, were grooving and then I feel someone come up behind me, hands all over my body, Heather’s laughing at me but giving me a look like “if you want him off of you let me know” what a good friend. I always get uncomfortable when dudes want to dance with me, I don’t know how to get freaky on the dance floor, in the bed room no problem, but the dance floor I just can’t do it. So I turn around and ask the guy his name he shakes his head, as like he’s this mystery guy, he says something in my ear an all I here is “ your blasdfhsdfsjhdfius” the dude was meagerly drunk he starts putting his face into my neck, I wasn’t sure what he was trying to do, kiss me? Then all of a sudden I hear a yak sound and I step back and I see him start to walk away covering his mouth I turn to Heather I tell her what just happened and she starts to laugh, I ask her to help me clean it up in the bathroom. The line is long, we have to wait, I feel so gross I want this t-shirt and sweater to be off so bad and me in the shower ASAP. I get cleaned up and I tell the rest of my friends my night is over, I think your entitled to declare once someone up-chucks on you, your night is over, GROSS!!! The best part of the night was winning movie passes to a pre-screening to Sex and the City and access to the after party!!!!!

Meet my brain

When everyone was picking up the ABC’s, 123’s and shapes I was the one behind. Took Kindergarten twice. Then first grade exposed me all, when I didn’t get what 2+2 was and my reading was slow. The school said to my parents that I should get tested, no surprise to my Mother. Tests after testes, ”Terese look at this picture and make this shape with these blocks” I don’t remember if I succeeded the task, all I knew was when my Mother would take me to these places I didn’t have to go to school that day and she would take me to Mc Donald’s for lunch. Test results came back…drum roll please…. “The kid is 100% dyslexic”. If I only knew back then how much this will for ever be a burden in my life till the day I die. How much I wish to see the world like a “normal” person, how much I wish to understand 99.9% of what people say to me, most of the time its only 50%, and that’s on a good day. I wonder sometimes what is my purpose with this body and brain when I can’t even use it the way I want to, or wish too. I’m not fast like the others, not in reading or thinking fast on my feet. I feel I offer very little to this world…humorous, being organized, memory of random things, a good friend, a good daughter, a nice sister, thoughtful, caring, but does all of this really matter? I know I’m not stupid, but I get scared sometimes that people think I am and that really bothers me, I hate exposing myself, as if I have AIDS or something. You have no idea how many time I have to explain myself to people when they don’t understand why I don’t understand something, I should make some kind of flyer for people to hand out, this is how it would go…

I’m dyslexic so this means: a difficulty with written language, particularly with reading and spelling. It is separate and distinct from reading difficulties resulting from other causes, such as a non-neurological deficiency with vision or hearing, or from poor or inadequate reading instruction. Dyslexia is most commonly characterized by difficulties with learning how to decode at the word level, to spell, and to read accurately and fluently. Dyslexic individuals often have difficulty "breaking the code" of sound-letter association (the alphabetic principle), and they may also reverse or transpose letters when writing or confuse letters such as b, d, p, q, especially in childhood. However, dyslexia is not a visual problem that involves reading letters or words backwards or upside down, nor are such reversals a defining characteristic of dyslexia. Also a neurological condition characterized by a problem with learning fundamentals and one or more of the basic numerical skills. Often people with this condition can understand very complex mathematical concepts and principles but have difficulty processing formulas and even basic addition and subtraction.

What Do I have a hard time with?:
1. Spelling
2. Math (cant do it to save my life)
3. Retaining information
4. Vocabulary

If you have a problem with this, or have questions please ask me and then take the rest up with God or who ever you beleave in.
(end of flyer)

I don’t know if it would help or save me some time explaining myself, but I think for sure I would get a little laugh out of it and also educate some of the mindless educators in my school a little education that they can stick up their ass. How the fuck can you act like you have never come across a student with dyslexia? FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! Like I say all the time, “There is no love for the dyslexic.” So I have to work 10 times harder then everyone else, do you know how tired I am at the end of the day? Do you know how frustrating it is to always be behind on the reading in class because you don’t read fast enough like everyone else does? There are day’s that go by that I ask the world to just give me a break sometimes. It would be nice to screw the top of my head off and take out my brain and set it in a jar on my desk and gaze out my window with not a care in the world, well how could I, no brain inside. I would put it back in don’t worry, but to get a rest from the on going battle I face with myself each day sounds so good. I am glad about one thing, I have a more understanding for others when they don’t understand something then people who don’t, and I think that says a lot.

Helper Girl

Sometimes when I stumble upon a penny on the street I’ll pick it up and as I put it in my pocket I hope it will bring me good luck for what I’m doing that day or what I’m about to do that day and then I also hope that my luck that I have picked up rubs off to the people around me. I’m not sure if thinking about other people is correct when you pick up a penny, but I have never been known to be selfish when it comes to thinking of others or helping out, in fact the best joy out of life is making people laugh and helping out; well for me that is.

For example a friend of the family called me up and asked me if I could watch her little boy for a few days during the week, I was very honored to be asked to help out, being that this woman is bed ridden because she is in a high risk state of possibly losing her 6 month unborn baby. She was really surprised that I said yes and was so happy that I could help out, we hung up and then she called me back to ask how much for babysitting, I told her “nothing, I’m just happy to help”, she refused to hang up until I threw out a number so I did and she thought it was too low, finally we came to an agreement of how much and then hung up. Later that day I met up with my friends and told them about this and one of my guy friends said, “Terese you know that’s really nice of you, if I was you I wouldn’t have said yes” and then when I told my boss the next day she said almost the same thing but added how most people would say no because there are a lot of selfish people in this world, witch over time and even more so now is very true. But at the same time I cant see why you would say no to someone in need?

When I was a child my mother would call me her “helper girl”, I guess I used to help her out around the house and with my baby brother, well as much as a 4-5 yr old could do. Not much has changed, still to this day she calls me that, and even though I roll my eyes when she says it I secretly love it. I remember in 2002 that summer after graduating from high school I decided to read Catcher in the Rye as a free read, and I enjoyed the book but I didn’t fall in love with it right away until Holden talked about how he wanted to catch people and in that very part of the book I cried and I think also I developed a crush on Holden because I thought that was the most unselfish thing to think of. Where have all the unselfish, helpful and trustworthy people gone? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, there are some things in life that I don’t like to help out on and I have my selfish moments and there are some things you cant trust me on but, I am human after all. I think there is a time and place for everything and I feel if you want to lead a happy life you must try to not be selfish and help out others as much as you can wither it be friends, family or your community. As taken advantage of and unappreciated I have been by others I’m never going to stop doing what makes me happy even though my trust will be jaded a bit, but I know doing the right thing is better then not being caring, helpful, trustworthy and unselfish.

I'm in love with Cyrano

My friend, I have my bitter days, knowing myself so ulgy, so alone. Sometimes -

No husband picked white fence and 3 kids for me thank you.

I had to host a baby shower over the weekend and I did the best job I could to keep a smile on my face and look like I was enjoying myself to no end (having an endless wine selection helped). At one point I was in the kitchen getting drinks for some of the women and they start asking me do I want kids, I tell them,” no” ( I knew this was not so easy to say) “oh your just saying that because your 24”, “ your great with kids, you’ll be an awesome Mom”. I let them talk and when they were done I tell them “I want to lead a selfish life, and with kids you can’t do that, also kids are expensive (I look at this women who has 5 kids already and with one in the oven, I’m a bitch) then they interrupt me, I hand them their drinks and I sneak out of the kitchen.

Fuck the traditional life, I want to see the world and never have to worry about making an amazing dinner 7 days a week for my family, or worry am I doing this parent thing good enough, oh and how can I forget the odds of my vagina possibly splitting to my ass whole while giving birth!!!! NO THANK YOU!!!! Then there is the risk of divorce or growing apart and just living together for the kids. I don’t have commitment issues at all, I’m very faithful to the guy that I’m dating but do people realize that marriage is FOR EVER?? I think who has the best life is my acting teacher Susan, she has a boyfriend and a dog and gets to travel to NYC and Paris all she wants, that’s what I want, how more perfect can that get?

Being that I haven’t been on a date for 7 months now, things look promising!

The way no man I think could ever fuck me.

When Monday hits I wish it was Friday all over again, and then Tuesday comes and I forget about how good it feels when I’m high and drunk on the weekend, more high then drunk. Music sounds so much better when your high, I’ll never forget the first time I heard music when I was high, I kind of got freaked out and then I collected myself and gave in and it was amazing, at one point I told my guy friend Blake “the music feels like cream running down my ear” I had no idea what I meant by that and I don’t think he did either, I just knew the music felt smooth to my ears. I let go of everything, I feel the music is in my sole, in my body, fucking me the way no man I think could ever fuck me(alough having sex when your high is awesome), it hugs me and holds me and I love every minute of it. I wish I could be high everyday but I would never get anything done I would just lay on the floor of my room all day and listen to music and then of cores leave the house for my reliable cravings Pizza, Twix and Kit Kat’s, every fucking time, it’s nice to know when I’m high I’m at least consistent ! As for the rest of my life and the people in it, that’s a different story, or blog should I say?

Admit it, we are the same....

I think one of the biggest pet peeves I have is feeling embarrassed, and for 3 months now that’s how I have been feeling……..I want to say something so bad but I know what I want to say isn’t going to change anything, I’m sure it would only make things worse dealing with the fact that this being is malicious and wallows in its own shit for the rest of the world to feel sorry for it (personally I think it just needs a really good blow and fuck ,the kind that you think your brain is going to explode out of your head). Why did you look at me all those time? I know why I looked at you, it was for a different reason than yours, do even you know that? Now I’m starting to feel sick, just knowing the fact that there will be times we might be in the same part of the city and I’m going to be the only one out of the 2 of us that’s going to care, my heart is going to race, my palms are going sweat, my stomach is going to feel weak and you’re never going to know this or care. So it turns back around to me feeling embarrassed for falling for a being that will never look or think about me.
If I could have a moment with you, I would push you up against the wall and tell you how much we are the same and how little we are different and then when the tears start that’s when I let parts of your shirt that’s crumpled up in my hands go and walk away and only hope you will come up behind me, turn me around and tell me, “your right”.

Liam Gallagher save me.

I sit in front of this computer home on a Friday night, it's been a while, being home on a Friday night; I've put Oasis "wonderwall" on repeat, i love when he say's " because maybe your going to be the one that save's me", lately i would like to be saved from this city. I love San Francisco, i was born and raised here, and so were my parents, i'm a rare breed. So i love SF but i dont think SF loves me, but then again i think no matter where i live (if i ever move) i will always be the fish out of water. I was really thinking about this the other day, the fish out of water thing, being that it was a topic in my acting class, " why do i feel thats my title of my life?" I think parts of it have to with the school i went to; when you go to a school with 60 kids from 6th to 12th grade.............it was a nightmare. We didnt have the sports games, dances and all the other things that a normal school has, i missed out on so much, and now being 24 i feel i'm playing catch up with myself more then ever, as if i know i'm going to die at 24 or something. I'm more board with myself then ever, i'm questing myself more then ever, and i have never been more into myself then ever. So Liam Gallagher will you save me form this fire that is out in my heart?