It's just so much....

I can already predict that some big changes will be happening, because it is going to happen! 2013 is going to be interesting, hard, sad, and unsure and I hope some happy fits in.

I have decided to go back to school being that the lack of job experience I have I think has been holding me back from landing a job; also this economy sucks too!
I finished college in 2010 with an Associates Degree and now I will be going back to school to achieve a Medical Receptionist Certificate. With a late thought about all of this and registration I was able to score 2 classes for Spring!

I have also started to see a therapist again, I'm only 3 sessions in and so far it's been okay. I'm seeing a new therapist and she is nice but a little awkward, I'm glad I seem to do well with awkward people! Today we talked about My Guy's friend and my friend who happen to both have colon cancer! My Guy's friend is a married man who is also a father of two little boy's, I'm not even sure if the oldest son is older that 5 years old. And my male friend is 30 years old! My Guy's friend sent out an email thanking everyone for their support and just being a friend and hoping everyone will stay in contact with his wife and children. His life is now just on a clock, and it's very very sad.
My Guy was very sad when he read this email to me last night and I was too, all I could think about where the children and wife, how unfair this all is. And then I started to think about my friend who is only 30 years old and how young he is and how unfair that is too!
I brought up to My Guy how we are both in the same boat, both friends have colon cancer. My Guy shut me down on this, he did not agree with me, his friend has a much worse situation than my friend! And then he talked about how awful it is I like to watch "The Housewives of..." how not in touch with reality those people are (duh, that's kind of the point of watching) and then what a pointless job my mother has for working for a church because it doesn't matter how much you pray!
I was so hurt and very angry that My Guy would not validate my feelings, he shut me down! And then also to make comments on my vice interests and also to say something about my mother's job!I understand he was angry, he knows all too well whats it like loosing a father at a young age but why did he need to say what he said?
My therapist gave me reinsurance that my feelings about my friend is just as important as My Guy's friend and that My Guy should have not shut me down the way he did. I feel like I never want to talk about my friend to My Guy ever again and I also hope that My Guy will never ask about my friend, like ever!

My therapist and I talked about this and then My Guy and I our relationship on a whole and I am missing feeling confident about my feelings from him, I wish we could share this sadness but we cant because my friend doesn't matter!She asked me what I would like out of my relationship and I said I want to feel confident in what I say and think from My Guy. I would also like if he never brought up NEVER AGAIN what my parents do for a living/work!Just don't shut me down, don't call me names and please don't talk about my family in a disrespectful way!

Speaking about family, my brother has decided to move back home and go back to school. And My Guy would like me to move in with him. I am not sure sometimes if I want to live with him, My Guy seems so angry and at times I'm not sure if he really likes me anymore. And I know if I stay with my parents home I will have to listen to my parents and brother fight.

It's all just so much to take in! Going back to school, seeing a therapist, brother moving back and "stuff" with my boyfriend.

black poison

Yesterday I reached out to a suicide hotline, but to be with "the times" they have a chat line, so less pressure I guess. Some drama went down yesterday morning that I know was all my fault and I feel really really awful for! I was thinking not okay things, it felt like black ink, black poison was taking over my body, and soon my eyes would turn black and I would talk like a demon! These wonderful women named Sarah helped me out and made me realize that a third party in my life is needed. Being that I am unable to receive the kind of advocate from a friend that I would really like the next best thing is a therapist. I really liked my therapist the I was seeing a few years ago but I felt sometimes she would say in words.."hang in there" I need more than that, even some tough love is okay with me! This wonderful women suggested me to a place and I am very interested in.
This is not going to be my quick fix, it will be a journey that I have gone down before but this time a little different but I'm looking forward to the outcome. I'll make sure to pack lots of food and water, for this journey might be a long one!

Finding the light

Have you seen the TV show Dexter? I just finished season 1 and now I am on season 2, I'm hooked, this guy is great, in a way I can relate to him, in a non killing bad people way. I mean in his head, he is always talking to himself in his head, I do it ALL THE TIME, I am also not excited about things that most "normal" are about. I'm not trying to relate myself or say "I'm a Dexter" it's just nice to know that fiction or non-fiction their is someone like that out there.

I have had 2 rejection emails sent to me this week, "thank you for applying, but the postion has been filled" or "your limited qualifications dont meet what we are looking for, but good luck on your job search" Ouch! Yeah, I cried, told myself no one will ever hire me! I'm 2fucking9 and I still live with my parents, and to make things even better; my boyfriend had a dream that my Mom told him he should break up with me. It might be just a dream, but it made me feel sick inside!

I was thinking yesterday as my mind was wondering in dark places, if I was single, what would I be doing, my life would still be the same, just single.I would be fucking. I would be fucking random guys to numb the sadness in my life, these men would be the only excitement in my life! Just like how my dog and my boyfriend are to me...and its better, healthy, safer. To loose that would lead me to a dark road with lots of condoms and a what if...pregnant, STD, shit I dont need to deal with at my age.

This stuff is hard, this adult shit is hard, I am not handling it well...maybe I am, I'm sure my boyfriend would say "your doing your best". All my life I had someone hold my hand and guide me this way and help me out that way and now I'm old, thats how I feel, not cute anymore, so who wants to help the old lady? And then I also just feel like this looser, some floater in life. I have been thinking as a last resort if I dont end up with a gig, I'll just get pregnant and be a "Mom" so then no one can ask me "how's the job hunting going" no one would ask me that they will ask "how is it being a Mom, isn't it wonderful" "how does your child sleep at night" boring stuff like that. Because I'm a Mom!

I am also trying to compare is this moment in my life really sucky or was it when I was so depressed that I was seeing a therapist? I think they are 50-50. There will be a time, the light will shine, but it just doesn't feel like its going to EVER happen!

still

still jobless
still have a boyfriend
still have a dog
still think I'm a loser
still think I will never have/get a job!
still think most people don't like me (women mostly)
still will live with my parents I think past 30 years of age
still not nor will I ever be a master at computers
still will hate my brain...till I die
still think Buffy the Vampire Slayer will forever be awesome
still TV is my first love
still don't like being me, I would rather be a dog
still think I was meant to live in the 1950's
still think most people suck in this life
still think I'm crazy
still think some people think I'm crazy
still scared to die my hair
still love my eyes and lips
still think I do most things wrong
still.....

"you say all these nice things and then you don't want to be with me.."

When you are questioned about how much you love your significant other,its not an easy thing you take lightly. It hurts, you feel like no matter what you do or say they will never believe you..."your full of shit" I was just called for the first time EVER in my life! What does this mean, what did I say what did I do? I told some falls information and my other fell for it and it ended up not being true....but that's not the case at all!

It's really hard to be in a relationship, I really enjoy it but when the hard times come up, it's HARD!!! No matter what happens you will disappoint your other half, in my case I feel I do it a lot!!!

I don't lie, (sometimes when I feel its needed) I am an honest young lady!

I'm very sad...

A bug up my ass

This is so foolish of me to have these feelings but I have them so what can I do, I guess vent!

A bug has crawled up my ass and has set an unpleasant taste in my mouth. Here we go....its about the ex girlfriend! Yep, why this girl bothers me so I don't get it, I wonder is it because in our American culture it is not that common that we stay in touch with our past lovers? That might be one of the reasons another could be that when I met her (more times than I wanted mind you!) she gave me a kiss on both sides of my cheek, I felt it was a "i'll kill her with kindness" gesture. I wanted just a handshake, even though I would have much rather liked a node from a distance. My Guy's friends went back to Slovakia for a summer trip to see family and on there visit they spent some time with her...seemed like a lot! These pictures have made me wonder if I was ever a topic of conversation? Selfish thinking....maybe but I think you would think the same thing too! It has always bothered me that My Guy's friends have seem to take a liking to her more than me but I also think at the time they were together maybe I would have gotten along with his friends too. My Guy's friends have kids now, back then they didn't, kids changes things. Now for me, I can not connect with this people....I have said this many times in other blogs so I don't want to get into this.

I guess my main thing is, did they all talk about me, did they say unkind things. I care to know because I want the truth to come out, I know these people are not crazy about me, my feeling are most of the time right and I want to prove it to myself!

Another feeling I have about this girl, if My Guy and I ever get married will he want her at the wedding? Will he care how I feel or more about if it will hurt HER feelings?

To be even more blunt, I wish she would go away!

it's for the best

I'd write a letter to my loved ones, telling each of them how I feel, how I really feel about them and then tell them how much they mean to me, how much I loved them. Also giving them instructions in what to do with my things, what to do with my body and how I want to be berried and then apologize leaving them with a Visa bill. Then I would put on "How Disappear Completely", put it on repeat, drink my bottle of Jack, I will be sitting on the side of my bed looking out to the knight sky with it. After I'm good and liquefied up I would cut the side and let the blood drip, let it flow like a river. How sad I will feel whoever finds me, what a scary state I will be in to the person, and they will ask why, over and over again, why did this happen. Even if I tried to explain it would be an excuse I guess; I apparently am full of them! So what difference would it make, I'm gone, gone out of everyone's life, for good, I think it would be for the best, right? No one has to put up with me anymore, no one has to deal with my selfish ways, I don't listen enough, it has to be my way, I just don't get it, excuse after excuse, It has to be perfect, the princess. I wont bother you with any of this anymore, doesn't that make you happy? What would you really miss about me anyways? I am an complaining excuse who blames everyone else for my problems, I had no idea and I still don't get it that I do that. So its for the best. What will I miss? Everything and nothing at the same time!

(I would never have the guts to do this, but if I did I guess this is what I would do)

Good one!

Thank you Apartment Therapy!

Modern Matrimony: Who Benefits the Most?


When we discuss how we live at home, we inevitably must include who we live with. Who's making coffee in the morning or forgetting to refill the Brita? Maybe it's a boyfriend or girlfriend, or perhaps the relationship is a little more legally binding. As marriage rates declined and divorce rates skyrocketed over the past decades, it seems prudent to ask ourselves: just who's getting the most out of marriage as it stands today?

There's no doubt that ours is an evolving society, and nowhere is that clearer than in our national discourse about marriage. I'd even venture to say that, especially with the recent boycott/zealous support of a certain fast food chicken sandwich chain, it's currently a very polarizing social issue. Believe me, I'm not trying to stir up extra controversy, but I've been thinking about how much the concept of marriage has changed and will continue to adapt to fit our needs and reflect our values.

If we were to believe the movies, it's the woman who pushes for marriage; she cajoles, lures or even manipulates her (often reluctant) man into a state of wedded "bliss." Even if that rather degrading oversimplification of courtship were true, the fact remains that in heterosexual marriage, statistically, it's men who come out ahead. According to Australian economist Paul Frijters, men receive more value (measured monetarily as economists are wont to do) from marriage and have more to lose in the event of a divorce.

Being married makes men happier; married men live longer and achieve more career success. Some speculate that these improvements are due to these former bachelors' experiencing positive lifestyle changes (presumably with the influence of a good woman). But married women, who appear to be the "civilizers," that is, they hoist their men up to their level of health and emotional stability, don't receive as many benefits after tying the knot. In addition, women still tend to shoulder a larger share of the household responsibilities, either due to their socially ingrained roles, or perhaps merely a higher standard of cleanliness.

So what then, you may ask, is the draw for women? Maybe you've noticed that I haven't mentioned love, an essential ingredient for successful marriage (in our society, anyway), and my reason is this: I wouldn't dare try to define what constitutes love and how it manifests in a relationship. Love, commitment and children can, of course, all exist without marriage, but for the sake of this discussion I'm thinking about the institution itself and whether or not it's a system that still makes sense.

Increased opportunities have made women less financially dependent on men but may also have set up a state of diminishing returns. In a fascinating study by Betsy A. Stevenson and Justin Wolfers about the Paradox of Declining Female Happiness, the problem is described like this:

Consideration of the psychology behind happiness might suggest that greater gender equality may lead to a fall in measured well-being. For example, if happiness is assessed relative to outcomes for one's reference group, then greater equality may have led women to compare their outcomes to those of the men around them. In turn, women might find their relative position lower than when their reference group included only women.
So even while women's overall status is improving, increased expectations can lead to decreased satisfaction if those expectations aren't met. While the study was about women's happiness in general, and the numbers remained consistent regardless of whether the women were married or single, it seems logical that with the evolving state of marriage, there are some who want it to evolve more and faster, and others who dig in their heels at the mere mention of change.

Sound familiar? I can't help but point out that this phenomenon applies to more than just men and women but also clearly factors into the evolving definition of marriage and who can legally enter into such a union — thus spawning a chicken showdown.

Obviously, this topic is too broad to sufficiently cover in a short article or even in several hundred pages. I'm in no way railing against marriage, but I am interested in the reasons why people choose to forgo the legal side of love as well as the reasons why others continue to strongly seek it. It seems to me that, far from the fairy tale we're expecting, becoming more conscious of marriage's limitations and heading off potential problems could lead to stronger and more satisfying unions.

What do you think? Does anyone win this particular battle of the sexes?

Winston my love

A dog that I used to take care of for a friend of the family passed away in back in February, and I was sad being that he was such a cute little guy. The love I have for dogs I feel sometimes goes beyond a little bit unhealthy but how can you not help yourself? Dogs are awesome creatures!
Wanting a dog in my life was feeling stronger and stronger as time went by, and maybe Buddie's death woke up that void, who knows. My Guy and I would sometimes go to Fort Funston just to be around dogs....and also take in the amazing views! So, finally this strong void took over and I started to look at dog's on-line, I was looking all over the bay area and not one dog caught my eye. I am very picky about what I wear so why wouldn't I be picky about my dog, right? I would looking for a male, not a puppy, but not old ether, and he needed to be a Terrier, that's the bread of dog I like. I came up on PetFinder.com and there was Winston, this cute little guy, little did I know getting him was going to be a little big of an issue!

Winston was in Fresno, that's 4 hours from San Francisco, also Fresno, I did not know this, 80% of animals in Fresno are killed!!! 80%, that's a big number!!! Winston was found by a family that finds strays off the street and tries to find them homes, not only did My Guy and I help someone out but we also got a free dog!That late afternoon when we got back into the city My Guy was very excited that we got a dog so he told on of his friends, his friend replayed back "my wife and I dont understand why you went all the way to Fresno to get a dog when there are hundreds of dogs in SF that need a home!" I cried, maybe I was PMSing but that comment made me cry! Why do you care where I got the dog, maybe ASK WHY we went to Fresno!!!!
Anyways, My Guy and I are happy with our little boy Winston and I love having a dog back into my life, they are such wonderful creatures!!!

Hear is our little boy....

cerddoriaeth