Beyond the battle with the fog!

I am grumpy, I am a grumpy, grumpy person and I think I have been all my life. I also think I have been more grumpy being that I have not seen the sun in like a month....maybe even more!!!! I'm so desperate I would even go to Burning Man.....and that is saying a lot!!! Fuck this fog!!!

One day I was at a family event, the event was being held at this public park and all the cousins (older then I) seemed to want to eat at this table that was on this hill, I always wanted to hang out with the older kids, and I remember I had a plate full of cherry tomatoes and mozzarella squares....I'm sure I had other food but this is all I can remember (I might have been 7years old) I remember trying to climb up this dirt hill to the table holding my paper plate in one hand and trying to use my other hand to grab the ground to make it up this steep hill. I wasn't going well, the sandals I had on did not have a good grip to the ground and I remember calling for help and watching my lunch fall off my plate and roll to the bottom of the hill. Some of them looked at me, some of them laughed at me and some of them ignored me. I don't know if someone ended up helping me but I remember feeling so frustrated, embarrassed and pissed!

I have a hard time thinking of a lot of happy times in my life, the bad out ways the good, and being that I feel I am a grumpy person I think a lot about the bad. The good has started to come around more scene I have met My Guy but when the good comes sometimes I feel guilty, I also feel guilty for having him in my life.....hell I feel sometimes I should just be alone for the rest of my life!

I hate questions from other people, I hate it! I feel harassed, picked on, invaded. Even simple questions, I know it's awful but it's me.

I have never agreed with suicide but I read this Hollywood article last week of this guy killing himself because all of this dirty laundry was exposed and he was also in serious debt. I have always felt that God gave you this life and he is the only one to take you out of it, but I also understand when things get to be too much for someone, when life has not really worked out the way you hoped for or you just don't see the light down the tunnel happening any time soon, I get why someone want's to say good bye to life.

I am not an easy person sometimes to be with I am not an easy person with myself! There has been a battle going on for so long that I'm not sure it will even end.

I don't know what this blog is about, but I obviously had some things on my mind.

Chop Liver

Do you ever feel like chop liver sometimes? I do and have for some time now, but what can you do about it, if you say something it might come off as whining, so it's just better to sit back and smell like liver...or you can blog about it!

When I went to Europe to meet My Guy's family we staid with one of My Guy's friend, she was the nicest girl I think I had ever meet and I was really sad to say good bye to her, she was to me the ideal friend that I had always wanted...she thought about me, we thought about each other! We could really talk about things and we listened to each other and were interested in what we both had to say. Last week a different friend of My Guy came to visit SF, he knew her from a summer camp he had worked at, I had only met her when I was in Europe a few months back for just a few hours and she seemed nice so I was looking forward to meeting her again to her visit to SF! My only complaint was that she was a chatty Kathy, this girl could talk!!!! But besides that we got along very well, I played host and tour guide we girl talked it up, and she even got me a birthday present.....she didn't even really know me!!!! I was a little sad to say good bye to her as well because again the time spent with her was something I wish I could have all the time in SF.

I think I have always had bad luck, or I am just too nice and too sensitive, or maybe too needy, who knows but theses two girls showed me that my dream was made into a reality even if it was a for a few day's or 2 weeks! Is it wrong to want something so simple? The last 24 hours I have been thinking that maybe friendships are treated and thought about differently in Europe then in America, but then again I'm not sure because I was friends with a girl from Italy and she was a bitch to me. Maybe it was just these girls, maybe....it will be something I will remember and think about forever and I will never stop yearning for it!

Till then, I will be chop liver!

past excitement

When you realize you have outgrown something its hard to deal with it, it has always been for me. I make myself ignore that it really is going to be this way from now on, my feelings are different, no excitement anymore, i'm sad now.

I was thinking about my hair yesterday when I got off the bus to walk home from work, I remember when I had highlights and I was always cutting it short, I didn't really care, it was all about me, having fun and now when I look at my hair I see a responsibility and a "look" i need to keep up, if it wasn't lesbo/cult/would be very cold look I would just save it off.

Last night when I came home, I did some reading and then.....I was board, I wanted to do something, I dont know if I wanted to go out, it was Tue, my show is on Tue night. I was thinking about the girls I had as friends in 7-8th grade we would talk on the phone for hours about god know's what, I wish i had some of that last night, just a good girl gab. I don't remember the last time I had some gab.

I'm angry, I'm angry with myself, with some people in my life, my life, with some family. I feel I have ruined things and it will never be able to be fixed. You can't run away from your problems but I have been thinking this, but I can't I'm bad with managing money on my own and I dont like to be by myself in places I dont know enough about.

I miss some of my past and I miss excitement.

Souhaits d'anniversaire

On your fingers

Laundry list

Punch someone
2 back teeth bleeding
Drama weekends
Boring
Wants to be alone
Issues
Acne in your 20's
Who the fuck cares
Dresses
Am I crazy?
Crows
Pastrami
Is this real?
It needs to be clean
Nail polish
Don't touch me
Fog and Sun
If I moved out of SF
Blue eye's
Waxing
French fry's
Remembering
28
Vagina
I don't get it
Defected
Dairygen
High heels
Decorating
Fuck this life
Would like to say "fuck you"
Volkswagen
Scared
Sorry
Fake
Crying
Future
Losing
Used to wear lipstick
Un-traditional
Mother
Laughing
Reading
People
Day dreaming
Sleeping
Being on time
Don't go
It's too much
Music
Fashion blogs
Overwhelmed
Missing out
Drunk
What if's

Designs in my head

When I announced that I would be decorating my brothers room my brain has not shut up! And then to make it even worse I have been addicted to this new show on Bravo called Million Dollar Decorators. I feel like there is this bubble that is growing out from the top of my head and its getting thicker and heaver and if I don't get to use my "power" its going to explode. For sure I am not this amazing decorator like people are in the show but I have never had more ideas in my head about creating something in my life!!!! I'm sure this is what it feels like when an artist does not have his paint and brush's, he needs to paint something but there is nothing for him to paint with!! I do have a passion for fashion but I think my passion for design was never as dominant as the fashion part, plus fashion is easily accessible in way as to interior design; I mean who has a warehouse where they can just keep furniture and things because they like them? My closet can barely fit all of my shoes!! I could also be changing in way, my interest in fashion I think will always be with me, but I think my interest for decorating is making its way to be in the front of the line and I'm okay with this BUT I find it very frustrating!!!! The visions in my head are so powerful, so real, its DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!

Life is a bull ride

I started my volentering job at the doctors office yesterday (Tue 7th) and it was not an easy first day....well it kind of was. My duties included putting back the charts of patients, collect the fax's that come in and give them to the doctors in the office open up mail and give them to the doctors, make labels for new charts, make new charts. Kind of a lot of nothing but it was a busy day and I was standing from 9-5 the only time I sat down was for lunch and that was for about 30min. The people in the office were nice to me, although this one women got a little annoyed with me towards the end of the day. My Guy was kind of in the area so he offered to pick me up, when I got in the car he asked me how my day was, i had told him a little bit about it when I talked with him on the phone before he picked up and already I was kind of not in a good mood. My brain felt numb and feet and back were killing me, all I wanted to do was go to bed; but I couldn't My Guy and I were going to see the U2 concert.

I think I did okay on my first day, even if I didn't they cant fire me, it's an unpaid job. I have no confidence in myself when it comes to working, NONE WHAT SO EVER!!! I was thinking today what job did I like the most, what job did I have that made me feel good? It was the job that I had in college, I worked on the campus, I loved that job and I loved my boss, I worked by myself and that got a little lonely sometimes but at the same time I knew I felt I stayed out of trouble and out of people's way. I wish I could have kept that job and the pay was better, I think it really was the best job for me, I felt good about myself and I had a boss that was encouraging and so nice.

A few people asked me the other day how old I was and I told them, some said "okay" and some said "oh wow" I don't know was the "oh wow" about that I'm closer to 30 then to 19 and I dont have enough experience and a job? I'm really scared about my future, it is so hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel of my life. I see myself having a job and then loosing it and this being an on going process. I don't see myself being good at things, I also dont know what the hell I want to do with my life or myself, I wish I could figure it out I wish I could be good at something that applied to the working world. I feel so misunderstood by people, family, friends and even by my boyfriend, I feel I am on this on going battle with myself and everyone else. I am a good person, a nice young women, funny, I like putting outfits together and designing a room, I like to clean, I like to be organized, I like to paint my nails, I like to help others; these things make me feel good.

I sometimes lay in bed at night thinking about having a family and the one thing that wins over all the nice feelings is if my child later in life ended up with a learning disability, it would be one of the most saddest day's in my life, just knowing that my child will have to suffer the way I have for so long to understand things, it will be a very dark day. I really dont know how I would deal, I think I would cry for day's. Writing about this is making me cry.

Life is a bull ride, to stay on that bull is so hard!