I was thinking yesterday as I was whining to myself of how the fuck did I get a cold; that maybe I should change the tittle of this blog to "The girl who whines", being that most of my blogs are about how my life is so unfair. I know its not but for me personally it is. I saw the movie Precious on Sunday with some friends and it's a really sad movie, I knew it was going to be sad but I thought there was going to be a happy ending, not really. The movie is based on a novel, I don't know if the story is true, but for sure this lifestyle is true! Precious was never loved, her Mother and Father sexually,mentally and physically abused her, her father got her pregnant twice and she had both children all under the age of 17; she later finds out that she also got HIV from her father as well. There was a moment in the movie that she's crying to her teacher about how she's never had anyone love her, she's never had a boyfriend, nothing good has ever happened in her in life other than her children. I cried because this girl never stood in a chance in life, and its really scary and sad to think that their are people like this in real life, who just will never stand a chance. Sometimes I feel this way, as all of my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wife's and I have no one, and most of my weekends are spent at home in front of the T.V. with an Amy's pizza and a glass of wine with my Mother and I deciding witch house the couple should choose on House Hunters, I feel so pathetic. There was a time I had no friends, and now I have some, but in way I feel I don't, my social life has changed a lot over the last year, but I tell myself I have people who love me very much, and I know they do, but I want a different kind of love that they cant give me, but deep down inside I don't feel I should have it.
Lately I've been really depressed (I have talked about this) and I knew why, but I felt I wasn't getting to the root of why, until today. I miss my brother not being home, not that he ever was home a lot, its really hard for me to expect that he's living a life that I think about all the time, but at the same time am really scared about. As much as I want to get a real job and move out and have a life my family knows nothing about I wonder can I do it? I also get scared thinking if this does happen, will I finally be happy? I don't know if I've ever been 100% happy, I also think about will I finally be worthy enough to be with someone, because I don't feel I am now.
The worst person in my life is myself.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Lanvin, Givenchy and Gucci, BRAVO!!
I dream of wearing Lanvin, and this SS collection is amazing!
Givenchy, nice job!
Gucci used ALL of my favorite colors, and patterns, I love psychedelic patterns on dresses! Oh and the shoes and jewelery....DIE!!!
Givenchy, nice job!
Gucci used ALL of my favorite colors, and patterns, I love psychedelic patterns on dresses! Oh and the shoes and jewelery....DIE!!!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Evidence (its ugly)
This what happens when you have no fat on your foot (this is what my aunt told me) and a 1lb 4oz full starch can for ironing falls on your 4th toe!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
I've got the hot's for a barbaric!
He's in my math class, and he has the most barbaric name I have ever herd, I told my brother about him and he threw out every joke in the book about this guys name......but he has the most sexist arms I have ever seen; he's just this man's, man all man!!! He's going to go by Arms. Now maybe at this very moment I want him more than the other 2 months of school I have been having class with him because my hormones are going crazy because the last time I got shagged was by Mr. Romanian and he was not all that in the sak!! I'm looking for a man who knows how to work it, and I think Arms might be my ticket to a good time.......but then again I don't really want ANOTHER fuck buddy.......but I don't really see Arms and I hitting it off outside of the bedroom only because he smokes like a pack a day I bet and I have a feeling his friends and my friends wouldn't get along very well, his fashion is not the greatest but it is WAY better than Mr. Romanian's. We have made eye contact a few times, but I cant look at him for very long because I turn all red and my heart pounds like a mile a second.......I think he might be interested only because one day when we were both in the testing room and our teacher called roll and he called my name Arms turned his head all over the room looking for me.....is that good? I asked my brother what did he think if I went up to him and asked him if his name means anything, he said that was kind of dumb........now I'm rethinking this.....maybe ask him something about the class? Ahhhhhhhhhh,I want some dude interaction or I might hump something that doesn't need to be humped!!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Should I or Shouldn't I?
Any smart person knows their are two sides to every story, and its never wise to be one sided until you have herd both sides, but that's not the case for some people.
I think when I was 10, I carpooled with 3 other kids from SF to Belmont, to attend a school for kids with dyslexia.It was 2 girls and 2 boys, the oldest boy I had a huge crush on, his name was Chris and the 2 of us would fight all the time, everything I said and did was stupid and he never let me forget it.....and I still liked him, maybe this is why I like jerks? Anyways, the other boy was the youngest, he was 6 I think and then it was myself and the other girl she was kind of a year younger than me. I wouldn't say we where the best of friends but I wouldn't say we were not friends. I hung out with her on the weekends sometimes, do stuff with her family, until one day things changed like completely!! Her parents didn't intend her to stay at this school for too long because going to the "it" school was very important to them, so once she was able to get in to the other school our carpool got broken up, the older boy stared high school and the younger boy's family moved out of the bay area, and I started to carpool with a different bunch of kids who all disliked me I think because I wasn't Asian.
So this girl and I didn't see much of each other too much after she started to go to the other school, but every now and then we would hang out. At this time I made friends with this girl, Anna, in my class and one day I get this phone call from her asking me if I knew a Peter... and I said yes that's my friends brother,Anna tells me she was at Great America with some friends and some how started to talk with this guy Peter and he knew of this school in Belmont, he said his sister used to go there and he asked if Anna knew T and she said yes, that's her friend and he said to her, well tell T that we don't like her anymore! I forget all the details but I do remember it was a total shock to me, I didn't get it, what did I do? I also don't remember if I tried to call this girl,(lets call her N)to ask her what did I do, but I do remember the day I saw her at church!
It was time to get in line for communion bread and I think my parents where standing in front of me, and I remember N and her cousins and neighbors where inline across from me and they were all whispering and laughing and then looking at me as if I was the most awful person of the face of the planet!! I didn't get it, I also felt REALLY uncomfortable. After mass, I told my Mom in the car and she said she saw what was going on and didn't like it. I guess maybe my Mom told one of my Ants, and my Ant told her the reason why this might be going on......I feel like I told this story in a other blog, but oh well. One day my Ant wanted to meet her husband at the finish line where the Bay To Breaks ends and she knew parking would be crazy so she asked my Mom if she could ask N's parents if it would be okay to park her car by their house because they lived not too far from where the BTB was, N's mother said yes to my Ant but told her she wouldn't be home but her husband would be to answer the door(to hand over the car keys just in case the car needed to me moved). Now N's father knew what time my Ant was coming over, so when my Ant rang the door bell, N's father opens the door with nothing on but a towel.......by the way this man is the most unattractive man also the most creepy!! My Ant was a little embarrassed, but N's father wasn't, he asked her if she would like to come inside and told her no one is home!!! My Ant declined and told him she changed her mind about the car and left. Now maybe N's father got worried and told his kids to stay away from T and her family for whatever reason/lie I don't know but all i do know is that my social life changed a lot over those years, it wasn't easy! So this is where I ask you should I or shouldn't I.....
Should I leave it be the past? Or should I contact N and ask? I'm just really querious, I have been for a VERY long time, its like this Pandora's Box, even though more bad could come out of this, at the bottom of the box was hope so maybe some good could come out of this as well........clear the air if you will?
I think when I was 10, I carpooled with 3 other kids from SF to Belmont, to attend a school for kids with dyslexia.It was 2 girls and 2 boys, the oldest boy I had a huge crush on, his name was Chris and the 2 of us would fight all the time, everything I said and did was stupid and he never let me forget it.....and I still liked him, maybe this is why I like jerks? Anyways, the other boy was the youngest, he was 6 I think and then it was myself and the other girl she was kind of a year younger than me. I wouldn't say we where the best of friends but I wouldn't say we were not friends. I hung out with her on the weekends sometimes, do stuff with her family, until one day things changed like completely!! Her parents didn't intend her to stay at this school for too long because going to the "it" school was very important to them, so once she was able to get in to the other school our carpool got broken up, the older boy stared high school and the younger boy's family moved out of the bay area, and I started to carpool with a different bunch of kids who all disliked me I think because I wasn't Asian.
So this girl and I didn't see much of each other too much after she started to go to the other school, but every now and then we would hang out. At this time I made friends with this girl, Anna, in my class and one day I get this phone call from her asking me if I knew a Peter... and I said yes that's my friends brother,Anna tells me she was at Great America with some friends and some how started to talk with this guy Peter and he knew of this school in Belmont, he said his sister used to go there and he asked if Anna knew T and she said yes, that's her friend and he said to her, well tell T that we don't like her anymore! I forget all the details but I do remember it was a total shock to me, I didn't get it, what did I do? I also don't remember if I tried to call this girl,(lets call her N)to ask her what did I do, but I do remember the day I saw her at church!
It was time to get in line for communion bread and I think my parents where standing in front of me, and I remember N and her cousins and neighbors where inline across from me and they were all whispering and laughing and then looking at me as if I was the most awful person of the face of the planet!! I didn't get it, I also felt REALLY uncomfortable. After mass, I told my Mom in the car and she said she saw what was going on and didn't like it. I guess maybe my Mom told one of my Ants, and my Ant told her the reason why this might be going on......I feel like I told this story in a other blog, but oh well. One day my Ant wanted to meet her husband at the finish line where the Bay To Breaks ends and she knew parking would be crazy so she asked my Mom if she could ask N's parents if it would be okay to park her car by their house because they lived not too far from where the BTB was, N's mother said yes to my Ant but told her she wouldn't be home but her husband would be to answer the door(to hand over the car keys just in case the car needed to me moved). Now N's father knew what time my Ant was coming over, so when my Ant rang the door bell, N's father opens the door with nothing on but a towel.......by the way this man is the most unattractive man also the most creepy!! My Ant was a little embarrassed, but N's father wasn't, he asked her if she would like to come inside and told her no one is home!!! My Ant declined and told him she changed her mind about the car and left. Now maybe N's father got worried and told his kids to stay away from T and her family for whatever reason/lie I don't know but all i do know is that my social life changed a lot over those years, it wasn't easy! So this is where I ask you should I or shouldn't I.....
Should I leave it be the past? Or should I contact N and ask? I'm just really querious, I have been for a VERY long time, its like this Pandora's Box, even though more bad could come out of this, at the bottom of the box was hope so maybe some good could come out of this as well........clear the air if you will?
Saturday, November 7, 2009
"Cruched"
Yesterday around 4:30 I went down stares to iron some pants, I needed to move the ironing table away from the wall a little bit, on the table was a full can of starch that I really didn't think much of when moving the board......UNTIL THE CAN FELL ON MY TOE!!!!!!!!!! I was wearing socks, that maybe that helped a little? But not much because it fucking HURT, right when it happend I sat on the floor and held my foot and said every cuss word in the book then I started to cry, I told myself to calm down maybe its not that bad, so then I got up and tried to make it up stares to call my friend but when my foot made the second step it felt like someone was stabbing my toe!! So I went into my parents room to call my Mom, I told her what happened as clearly as possible (I was crying like crazy!!), she said she would be on her way home ASAP! So then I crawled up the steps to call my friend to let her know that I will not be able to make it to the art show tonight....she told me to put some ice on it and elevate it, I might or might have not broken the toe, but ether way you can't do much for toes :( She stayed on the phone with me till Mom got home (such a good friend).
I was SO upset this happened to me because I was really looking forward to going to this art show, I had a cute outfit all ready, I still had some of the awesome weed my brother gave me and was ready to share it my friend, she said she was going to bring mini bottles of champagne, and I could only imagine all the cute boys that would be attending this event.........but I would not be going :(
So Mom comes to the living room, I cry again (I'm going to milk this a little bit) she calls my Ant because my Ant is the best "blow smoker" EVER, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry this happend to you, your such a sweet girl, how awefull, I'm so sorry baby..." My Mother has never been one to talk like that, the only sweet things she says is "I'm sorry honey" and that's fine, but for something like this that took me by shock and freaked me out, because all I could think about was did I break my toe, I needed some "smoke blown" up my ass :)
That night the pain really bugged me and my Mom said we should go to the hospital tomorrow morning and at first I was fine with that but then I thought, I want to sleep tomorrow not wake up at the butt crack of dawn on a Sat morning to go to a hospital, so I asked her if we could go now.......and turn off Wyatt Earp, God I love that movie and Tombstone too; I don't want to have kids but if I ever had a boy Grant and Wyatt have been my top favorite names (their is a goth/hick in me). Okay so we get to the hospital, they see me right away, did not expect that, they put me in a wheel chair and my Mom wheeled me around and MANY times almost hit my bad foot agent chairs and walls.......I almost killed her!!! They took my x-ray, and then put me in another room for the doctor to see me, they doc comes in said your toe is not broken but it is "crushed", the blood vesicles got all...well crushed, and he said this kind of thing REALLY sucks, he said it will take about 2-3 weeks to heal. Wonderful!!! So now when I go to school, not only will I be wearing sweats I'll be wearing athletic sandals.....that I only wear around the house, no cute boots, flats or oxfords for me :(
I was thinking could this be karma? I think I've talked about how I'm really big on everything happens for a reason, and I was thinking as I was laying down on the hospital bed, was this karma? I feel I have suffered enough, with having a yest infection for a MONTH!!! To boost my ego, I want to share a pic with you in what i wore for Halloween.
I was SO upset this happened to me because I was really looking forward to going to this art show, I had a cute outfit all ready, I still had some of the awesome weed my brother gave me and was ready to share it my friend, she said she was going to bring mini bottles of champagne, and I could only imagine all the cute boys that would be attending this event.........but I would not be going :(
So Mom comes to the living room, I cry again (I'm going to milk this a little bit) she calls my Ant because my Ant is the best "blow smoker" EVER, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry this happend to you, your such a sweet girl, how awefull, I'm so sorry baby..." My Mother has never been one to talk like that, the only sweet things she says is "I'm sorry honey" and that's fine, but for something like this that took me by shock and freaked me out, because all I could think about was did I break my toe, I needed some "smoke blown" up my ass :)
That night the pain really bugged me and my Mom said we should go to the hospital tomorrow morning and at first I was fine with that but then I thought, I want to sleep tomorrow not wake up at the butt crack of dawn on a Sat morning to go to a hospital, so I asked her if we could go now.......and turn off Wyatt Earp, God I love that movie and Tombstone too; I don't want to have kids but if I ever had a boy Grant and Wyatt have been my top favorite names (their is a goth/hick in me). Okay so we get to the hospital, they see me right away, did not expect that, they put me in a wheel chair and my Mom wheeled me around and MANY times almost hit my bad foot agent chairs and walls.......I almost killed her!!! They took my x-ray, and then put me in another room for the doctor to see me, they doc comes in said your toe is not broken but it is "crushed", the blood vesicles got all...well crushed, and he said this kind of thing REALLY sucks, he said it will take about 2-3 weeks to heal. Wonderful!!! So now when I go to school, not only will I be wearing sweats I'll be wearing athletic sandals.....that I only wear around the house, no cute boots, flats or oxfords for me :(
I was thinking could this be karma? I think I've talked about how I'm really big on everything happens for a reason, and I was thinking as I was laying down on the hospital bed, was this karma? I feel I have suffered enough, with having a yest infection for a MONTH!!! To boost my ego, I want to share a pic with you in what i wore for Halloween.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
You will not be missed October!
I'm really hoping that November will be a little bit better! So far its just whatever. My Halloween was pathetic, but it could have been more pathetic I guess if I had just stayed home, that was almost going to happen! I called my friends up last minute and they let me tag along to 2 parties they were going to. The first one was nice/okay it was over in SOMA, I dressed up as a blond witch, a sexy blond witch!! But as usual I was the only single person at this party and felt the youngest!! The next party was really sad, a part of me is slapping my other part of me for feeling depressed!! We arrive to this guys place and it was only him and 2 other guys....the guy is kind of handicapped and apparently he sent out a mass email to LOTS of people and almost no one showed up!! I felt sorry for the guy, he seemed nice, but also seemed he tried too hard to be "cool". There was a movie playing called Society it was just finishing up, this movie I think was the most bazaar and gross movie I have ever seen, it wasn't even scary it was just weird!!
As I cam out of the shower this morning I was thinking I get really selfish when I'm depressed, and bitter, very very bitter. In general I don't see myself as a cherry person but I don't think I'm a downer, I guess I'm in the middle? I'm not happy with so many thing right now, and its really frustrating because there is not much I can do about it. Like I said this other part of me is slapping myself in the face because I know I have it better than that guy I saw last night, I know I do but its hard to really know it when your in a rut. I've also been wondering do people really want to be my friend, or do they just feel sorry for me? I never want anyone to feel sorry for me.....only about school, I don't need pity, I would rather have you not be my friend than be my friend because you feel sorry for me! I have no desire to do anything, today I was thinking about going to Dolores Park and do some HW, but I changed my mind because I knew I would have to get all cute, but if I just sat out in my backyard I could be a bum!!
As I cam out of the shower this morning I was thinking I get really selfish when I'm depressed, and bitter, very very bitter. In general I don't see myself as a cherry person but I don't think I'm a downer, I guess I'm in the middle? I'm not happy with so many thing right now, and its really frustrating because there is not much I can do about it. Like I said this other part of me is slapping myself in the face because I know I have it better than that guy I saw last night, I know I do but its hard to really know it when your in a rut. I've also been wondering do people really want to be my friend, or do they just feel sorry for me? I never want anyone to feel sorry for me.....only about school, I don't need pity, I would rather have you not be my friend than be my friend because you feel sorry for me! I have no desire to do anything, today I was thinking about going to Dolores Park and do some HW, but I changed my mind because I knew I would have to get all cute, but if I just sat out in my backyard I could be a bum!!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I sympathize with the dog!
I've been taking care of a dog this week and as much as I love him he drives me crazy! He's very needy, wines about everything....hungry, not giving him enough attention, I'm leaving the house and he's not coming, wants to be on the bed with me....bla bla bla! But in a way I shouldn't make this such a big deal, I found out on Monday that his owners like their turtles better than him (the dog)and I kind of found that to be a little sad, I also herd that they ignore him, the only one that gives him any kind of attention is the oldest daughter; I'm sure its not much being now that she's in high school. I guess I would be acting the same way, all needy, I'm in a house where people are nice to me and give me attention and love, my own owners don't even give me that! I feel sorry for the guy, in a way I can sympathize.
I have been feeling really depressed for the past month now, I'm also very bitter, I don't want to socialize with others, if it was up to me I would just live in my room 24/7! I'm not happy with so many things, over all my life, most of the time its with myself but this time its with my life.....well I guess a little bit with myself. I wish my brain was good at math, I'm very envious of my brother, he visited another country and has moved out all in the last 2 1/2 months! I'm starting to hate this city, I feel very little good has happened for me here, but where would I move to? The only thing holding me is my Mother, I'm very close with her, and other day at a family birthday party she fainted in the bathroom and all I could think about on the car ride home was "what if I lived in LA or NYC, my Dad would have been the one to take care of her, he kind of sucks at that job" Yes I know other family members would and did help out but me being kind of a control freak scared me!
This weekend was all about family, and as much as I love my family sometimes I wish I lived far away so then I wouldn't be sucked into doing stuff for them. On Fri I was sposed to go to a dinner but my Aunt got sick so the dinner was called off, I had 2 invites from friends but me being so anti I stayed in, and around 8ish went with my parents to see my Aunt to see how she was doing.....I got $20 bucks for stopping by? Then Sat, I didn't mind so much, we went over to the East Bay to celebrate my cousins 4th birthday, that was fun until my Mom fainted!! And today, I wanted to shoot myself, I had to go back over to my Aunts house to help out her husband with his iPhone, that took about an hour and 20 min!!! He gave me $50? Then I had to go with my Mom to pick up a picture at Cheep Pets, drive over to her work to drop it off, then drive to Safeway and come back home........did I mention today's weather was perfect??? I should have been at Dolores Park with friends drinking and smoking, or doing something a 20 something does on a weekend....I wouldn't know, I don't have a life!!I know this might be TMI, but I have had a yest infection for a month now, the fucker wont go away, I have been on 2 different kinds of meds, I want to rip my vagina out of my body......it wont be any use to me anyways, I just keep meeting one looser after another!!
This is Buddie!
I have been feeling really depressed for the past month now, I'm also very bitter, I don't want to socialize with others, if it was up to me I would just live in my room 24/7! I'm not happy with so many things, over all my life, most of the time its with myself but this time its with my life.....well I guess a little bit with myself. I wish my brain was good at math, I'm very envious of my brother, he visited another country and has moved out all in the last 2 1/2 months! I'm starting to hate this city, I feel very little good has happened for me here, but where would I move to? The only thing holding me is my Mother, I'm very close with her, and other day at a family birthday party she fainted in the bathroom and all I could think about on the car ride home was "what if I lived in LA or NYC, my Dad would have been the one to take care of her, he kind of sucks at that job" Yes I know other family members would and did help out but me being kind of a control freak scared me!
This weekend was all about family, and as much as I love my family sometimes I wish I lived far away so then I wouldn't be sucked into doing stuff for them. On Fri I was sposed to go to a dinner but my Aunt got sick so the dinner was called off, I had 2 invites from friends but me being so anti I stayed in, and around 8ish went with my parents to see my Aunt to see how she was doing.....I got $20 bucks for stopping by? Then Sat, I didn't mind so much, we went over to the East Bay to celebrate my cousins 4th birthday, that was fun until my Mom fainted!! And today, I wanted to shoot myself, I had to go back over to my Aunts house to help out her husband with his iPhone, that took about an hour and 20 min!!! He gave me $50? Then I had to go with my Mom to pick up a picture at Cheep Pets, drive over to her work to drop it off, then drive to Safeway and come back home........did I mention today's weather was perfect??? I should have been at Dolores Park with friends drinking and smoking, or doing something a 20 something does on a weekend....I wouldn't know, I don't have a life!!I know this might be TMI, but I have had a yest infection for a month now, the fucker wont go away, I have been on 2 different kinds of meds, I want to rip my vagina out of my body......it wont be any use to me anyways, I just keep meeting one looser after another!!
This is Buddie!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
October Favorites!
Love, Loss, and What I Wore: Kate Lanphear
Dear Aunt Bunny: Studs, jeans, and Balenciaga...I gotta be me
I come from a conservative Irish-Catholic family. My parents are judges, and I have a sister who’s a lawyer. She’s an all-American girl: Abercrombie jeans, Old Navy hoodies, Nikes. My Aunt Bunny and godmother, Auntie Esther, are two of the most put-together women of all time. Esther’s impeccable bag was always coordinated with the most polished shoes, both offering subtle contrast to her perfectly tailored skirt suits.
My closet, however, is filled with studs, chains, rock ’n’ roll T-shirts, and black skinny jeans. The clothes that feel most like my own skin are the ones that are a little aggressive, a bit punked out: Balenciaga shoes and YSL blazers—I could blow my life’s savings on Givenchy and Alaïa.
If you asked me who my style icons were, I’d say I began with old-school heavy metal. I love the androgyny and the glam. In high school I covered my bedroom walls with Axl Rose posters. Appetite for Destruction was out, and I trailed Guns N’ Roses’ tour bus in my Honda Civic (its plates read AXL LVR). I had these amazing, skinny, tight-enough-to- cut-off-your-circulation acid-wash jeans with an inky blue plastic zipper that ran up the seam, purchased at Spencer’s Gifts at the mall. I had begged my mom for them. They were part of a look: slouchy suede boots, oversize suede jacket, outrageous jeans. Breaking the suburbatopian mold by wearing metalhead garb definitely wasn’t something one did to fit in with the cool kids in Fairfax, Virginia.
My getup was an even bigger faux pas with the family. For awhile I gave their Hyannisport compound ideal a shot. I wore glen plaid trousers from the Limited to Aunt Bunny’s for Christmas. “Oh my God, you look amazing!” she said. Meanwhile, I felt like an imposter.
The awkwardness and inner conflict got worse when I started out as an assistant at a fashion magazine. There was so much pressure to dress the part. I decided I had to fake it to make it. Carolyn Bessette was the girl du jour, so I did my best mimicry, wearing LBDs at an appropriate but unflattering length, with pointy ladylike slingbacks. Then one day in a vintage shop I found…a pair of skinny acid-wash jeans. It was like, Ahhh!—a halo was shining around them. I wore them every day. When I got my first big break, I thought, “Screw it, I’m wearing the jeans to the interview with the editor in chief.” I wanted to see what would happen if I was real. I remember telling her, “I’m not your typical fashion editor. I work hard and I know my stuff, but you should know, I’ll be the one wearing acid-wash jeans.” I got the job.
Once those skinny jeans came into my life, everything that wasn’t authentic—the whole WASPy facade—dropped away. That’s the thing about fashion: You can use it to hide, but it’s only magic when you use it to express who you really are.
Dear Aunt Bunny: Studs, jeans, and Balenciaga...I gotta be me
I come from a conservative Irish-Catholic family. My parents are judges, and I have a sister who’s a lawyer. She’s an all-American girl: Abercrombie jeans, Old Navy hoodies, Nikes. My Aunt Bunny and godmother, Auntie Esther, are two of the most put-together women of all time. Esther’s impeccable bag was always coordinated with the most polished shoes, both offering subtle contrast to her perfectly tailored skirt suits.
My closet, however, is filled with studs, chains, rock ’n’ roll T-shirts, and black skinny jeans. The clothes that feel most like my own skin are the ones that are a little aggressive, a bit punked out: Balenciaga shoes and YSL blazers—I could blow my life’s savings on Givenchy and Alaïa.
If you asked me who my style icons were, I’d say I began with old-school heavy metal. I love the androgyny and the glam. In high school I covered my bedroom walls with Axl Rose posters. Appetite for Destruction was out, and I trailed Guns N’ Roses’ tour bus in my Honda Civic (its plates read AXL LVR). I had these amazing, skinny, tight-enough-to- cut-off-your-circulation acid-wash jeans with an inky blue plastic zipper that ran up the seam, purchased at Spencer’s Gifts at the mall. I had begged my mom for them. They were part of a look: slouchy suede boots, oversize suede jacket, outrageous jeans. Breaking the suburbatopian mold by wearing metalhead garb definitely wasn’t something one did to fit in with the cool kids in Fairfax, Virginia.
My getup was an even bigger faux pas with the family. For awhile I gave their Hyannisport compound ideal a shot. I wore glen plaid trousers from the Limited to Aunt Bunny’s for Christmas. “Oh my God, you look amazing!” she said. Meanwhile, I felt like an imposter.
The awkwardness and inner conflict got worse when I started out as an assistant at a fashion magazine. There was so much pressure to dress the part. I decided I had to fake it to make it. Carolyn Bessette was the girl du jour, so I did my best mimicry, wearing LBDs at an appropriate but unflattering length, with pointy ladylike slingbacks. Then one day in a vintage shop I found…a pair of skinny acid-wash jeans. It was like, Ahhh!—a halo was shining around them. I wore them every day. When I got my first big break, I thought, “Screw it, I’m wearing the jeans to the interview with the editor in chief.” I wanted to see what would happen if I was real. I remember telling her, “I’m not your typical fashion editor. I work hard and I know my stuff, but you should know, I’ll be the one wearing acid-wash jeans.” I got the job.
Once those skinny jeans came into my life, everything that wasn’t authentic—the whole WASPy facade—dropped away. That’s the thing about fashion: You can use it to hide, but it’s only magic when you use it to express who you really are.
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