i NEED a friend

That is all.

Passion-less

My job hunting is still going on, although I have reached out to 2 people that I have known for a while and one responded to my plea! I will be meeting with this women who is going to help me with my resume and then go from there I guess. I am very grateful and thankful this is a start! I have also signed up to some babysitting/nanny sites, I really dont want to take care of kids but I know I cant hunt for an office job forever, money needs to be made!

I had a dream the other night of a black cat, it was in my room hiding under my bed and I wanted him out! My boyfriend sent me a link to what it means to have a cat in your dream and its was very interesting, the info was spot on; this is what is said, "To see a black cat means that you have some hesitation in determining what you actually want out of life" also " If you chase the cat then this shows that obstacles are currently in your way". I am very hesitant in determining what I want out of my life and for sure I have felt for a very long time that I have obstacles in my life.

I have been thinking if my family plays a role in some way of how things have ended up the way are, I was thinking what if I had artistic or creative parents, parents who were passionate about life, would I have been a more "go getter"? My parents are blue collar workers and people, honest life and honest living, simple, just the way they like it. And its fine, but what if they had a fun passion? I always admired kids who had parents who were into music or decorating their home, or even a passion for their kids! It would also be helpful and nice if I had some passionate and creative friends in my life.

I keep telling myself that if someone could just give me a chance a paying/paycheck chance it would be awesome, it would really lift me up. I have felt so dead, lifeless for too long and I also feel my brain is getting dumber! Seriously, I feel dumb!

To have the right kind of people in your life is really important, but I also think to have people who inspire you, who are passionate is also important.

Something new for my room

The red plastic thing and the doll

One weekend my family and I attended a school fair, a friend of the family her children went to this school. There were all kinds of games to play and arts and crafts to do, there was one game I remember playing; there was a tent and inside the tent was all these little plastic figures and you had to find the red one, it was very hard also you had to find it in one minute. If you found it, you won a doll, I wanted that doll SO BAD (I was like 7yr old), I didn't find that red plastic thing, and I remember the lady standing outside that tent counting down to 10, I also remember crying when my Mom and I walked away.

I don't know if that was the first time I can remember experiencing being under pressure, why that moment in my life sticks out more then others, but trying hard at something and then failing has always been a sore spot in my life, I don't handle it well! Searching for a job has been feeling like trying to find the red plastic thing in the tent and getting a job will be like winning that the doll.

I have not cried in a little while but I am sensitive more then usual, I know and am very aware how lucky I am, I have a caring family and a caring/helpful boyfriend but its hard sometimes to see it when your so obsessed in finding that red plastic thing, and you wonder is it ever going to happen, will I get that doll someday?

Obessed Art

I am really into nail art and I have done one art thing to my nails, its a craft for sure you have to master and I am game to master at it!

Understand?

I have days where I don't feel I belong in this world, at 28 years old I did not think my life would be like this, no job, still living at home, but I also didn't think about what I am capable of being able to do, not till later, not till it was too late.

There have been somethings that took me down a different road that I wanted to take, it has not been bad but I do think it has set me back and a little bit and also the economy's fault.

I do my best and try my best everyday (almost everyday) to understand this world and the people in my life, sometimes I don't and sometimes I do. Sometimes they can be too much for me, they overwhelm me or they just don't get me, and that makes it hard for me.

My boyfriend can be not easy to deal with sometimes for my brain, but I tell myself that he is a good person and he is the best person who has ever came into my life. The other day he asked me what I hope to get out of life down the road, I have never liked these kind of questions, it's really hard for me to look down the hall at the future for myself or with someone in it with me. I have to take one day at a time, that's how it has to be with me, the only thing that I like to be in advance is scheduling. My life has be on a schedule, if not I feel everything around me is falling apart, is that living in a bubble? I don't care! I also need a routine, it helps keep my brain from falling off the boat, yes I do have day's where I have no idea what I am going to do, but they dont happen too much.

This is me, a little bit of a mess of a young adult women who has a huge heart, an open mind that is confused most of the time and who loves dogs more then people.

3 ladies and 1/2

I'm sure I have been more naughty then nice

But, I will still ask and see what happens! So Santa, you decide!

screw you all!

My Thanksgiving this year will be a little different, I will be spending it with My Guy's friends, in a way I am not really excited about it, but not that I would have a better time with my own family! You see from the time I met his friends they have not really been the most open arms kind of people; I'm not looking to be best friends with this these people but I would like to feel welcome, and I don't! My Guy says that if we hung out more with them so they could get to know me better they would be more open and then like me..........well I that's a bunch of bull shit, I mean really, you either like someone or you don't when you meet them, so there for they don't like me! Also my I add that the women in his group of friends have really not been welcoming the way I think they should, they talk Slovak around me or in front of, they will sit in a group together, never inviting me over to join in the conversation.....I mean why would they, they are not speaking English!

All of them have children and I find it soooooo odd that they never share their child with anyone, I'm used to people asking "would you like to hold her/him?" and would it really take 5 min out of your life to brush and put clean looking cloths on your child, really, really! I'm sure I have no right to say any of these things because I'm not married, I don't have children, bla bla bla, well I have taken care of kids for a while now and it really does not take a lot of time to put clean looking cloths and brush the kids hair, it really doesn't!

I know these people will be in my life in some way for a very long time and for as long as they show that they have no real interest in making me feel welcome, I will continue to bad mouth them! Just like they also like to bad mouth my country, funny how they all want that green card but will turn around and say America sucks, well go the fuck back to your country! Is America perfect, fuck no, yes we have problems, what sate or country doesn't, but I am very proud and lucky to be an American and will not tolerate non Americans to bad mouth MY country!

I want to say that I have tried to start converstation I have offerd my help, I am freindly when I come over, I have put my hand out, I have done my part and now I give up, fuck it!

Deeper than chap-stick

Last night My Guy stopped by to pick up his wallet because he had forgot it in my purse and so did I till 10pm Sunday night. I was in the living room when he came over and he asked me if his wallet was in my room I said "yes as well with your coffee cup". I have to tell you a little back story first before I finish this story.

In 7th grade their was a girl in my class named Kelly, for whatever reason she didn't like me very much but at the same time tried very hard to be my friend. One day I invited her over with a bunch of other girls from my class to my house, at the time I had this lipstick that I just LOVED, and would put jut a little bit on my lips because I never wanted to use too much for it would run out. All of us girls went to the mall and then later that day came back home, the Mom's came and picked up the girls to go home. That evening I was in my room and noticed that my lipstick was gone! I looked everywhere for it and could not find it, I was very upset.

On Monday I had told the girls who had came over that my favorite lipstick was gone and how upset I was, later that day I found it in the pocket of my jacket, I thought it was really strange, my best friend at the time said she had seen Kelly put it in my jacket. Word had gotten around school that Kelly steals and bla bla bla, I didn't make a big deal about it but I didn't get why she would do that to me. So later that evening Kelly called my house crying and saying she was so sorry and so embarrassed that she took my lipstick. I expected her apology but asked her why she did it, she said that it is a bad habit she has and she has stolen a lot worse things and has gotten in lots of trouble with her parents for it, she doesn't really know why she does it. I'm not saying that from then on I have been wary of people I don't know very well in my room, but it has in a way. I am very protective and possessive of my room, I don't even like it when people come in and look all around it makes me nervous; it drive me crazy when people take things my room and don't ask or let me know! My room is apart of me, it is my safe place, all of favorite things are here, everything has a place and I know where everything is.

Back to my story, when I'm not using my purse I like to take my wallet, hand lotion, chap-stick, make-up bag, key's and clipper card out and lay them on my desk or bench, for some reason My Guy felt that my chap-stick was his so he took it without asking. I noticed that my chap-stick was gone after he had left and I asked him over G-chat, he said yes he took it, he had a feeling it was his. I was a little bit upset because 1. he took something from my room without asking, 2. this is the guy who has 3 chap-sticks already, and 3. was it really hard for him to say something to me??? "oh hey, is that chap-stick on your bench mine or yours".....so easy! He said how will I deal when we live together and I said I will have an area of my own that will be all mine and I will be fine with that.

It's not about the chap-stick I think he didn't get, it was that he was in my room by himself, took something that was mine and never said anything to me. I didn't sleep well last night, the thought of what he did really bothered me, it made me feel naked .This is an issue of mine, it might be a silly one but it's my thing. Please just ask me if you want to barrow or have something of mine, it will end up a lot better.