Its very hard to have any kind of relationship he said.

A few weeks ago I was home on a Saturday night and I checked the T.V. Guide to see what was on, I saw this show was going to be coming up in a few minutes called "Your Brain In Love". The romantic that I am I had to check it out. The show starts and its this little guy who came across as kind of creepy/gay but then mentioned that he had a wife (as my mother says, "that doesn't always mean anything"!). His name is Dr. Daniel Amen and he first started to talk about people who have damaged brains, like from car accidents or from drug and alcohol use to people who have not had any of that happen to them. He went on talking about the battle of the sexes, how when men are at rest 70% of their brain is not working, so when you want to ask them something you need to use simple words and keep it a short sentence; unlike women, when we are at rest only 90% of our brain is not working, but in a way its not really resting, we are still thinking (so true, when I'm watching T.V., I'm thinking what I have to do tomorrow). All of this was interesting, but kind of like, I've already herd this before stuff until he brought up people with ADD/ADHD, now he got my attention!

To my knowledge, I have not be tested for ADD/ADHD, but I don't know for sure. Dr. Amen said that people who have a ADD/ADHD think with the front part of their brain (I think dyslexic's do too) unlike people who don't have ADD/ADHD. So for the front brain thinkers, they don't really do the whole think before you speak thing and that can you get you into trouble sometimes if your in a serious relationship! He says people who have this benefit from being on meds that helps you THINK before you speak! I found this VERY interesting, because I am known to just say whats on my mind, sometimes very honest or blunt, once in a blue moon it has gotten me into trouble, but I feel I think before I speak......I'm just honest in what comes out of my mouth! But it did get me thinking, do I think before I speak? And then I also started to think about all of my relationships, friends and guy's I have dated have never really worked out and has the reason for this been because of me?

Looking back in the past I have never really had a satisfying friendship and dudeship, all of them have screwed me over one way or another. I have talked about this in the past that I do put people on a pedestal, for friends its waiting for them to disappoint me and with guys expecting them to disappoint me. Is this wrong? I was talking about this with some girls over the weekend and they said no, but in a way I think it is, I mean I do have trust issues but do I have relationship issues as well? I have been hanging out with my cousin lately and when we get together we gossip and such, and she tells me about guys she has dated and what selfish thing one of her friends are/did to her and I have been thinking that this is just life! Yes, maybe I do have over the map relationship problems, but also no one is perfect and no matter what kind of relationship you are in with someone, friend, co-worker, boyfriend,bla bla bla, they are all going to disappoint you in some way.

I think its hard for me to understand this, when somethings goes wrong it really brings me down and the first thing I think of is "delete", cut it out of my life because its hard for me to see a solution to the problem. In the past few day's I've been thinking maybe I'm better off being alone because dealing/socializing with other people can be really overwhelming for me at times........Dr. Amen can you help me, or am I doomed for life?

Caleb Followill you can use me!

Sex is on fire from PirateSmoothie on Vimeo.

even Lykke Li knows what's up!

Exclusive Video of Lykke Li Covering Kings of Leon Live in KNRK studio from Dave Allen on Vimeo.

One more week of summer.

School starts for me next week and this week is my last week of summer....kind of sad. My summer hasn't been the greatest, but I have learned somethings this summer about my friends and my life. It has all been very useful information that I have gathered up over the past 3 months, and I'm a big believer on everything happens for a reason and what better time then now? I'm crossing my fingers really hard and ready to work harder then I've ever worked in my life to pass this math class and if it means going out less (as of lately I have been) then so be it. I want to make my dreams come true in the spring.....if all goes well I will have a job save the money and live with roommates, and be out of the most foggy part of the city!! I'm also willing to sacrifice not getting laid till now to December........BUT if the opportunity comes along I will not turn away from it, I'm just not going to hunt for it like I usually do; math is more important!!

I know when I put all my hard work into something the results show, I feel better about myself, it also helps to set a reward. Yes the big reward would to get a job and leave the nest but I've been itching to get my ass over to NYC for a long time now and so has one of my guy friends who lives over there. If I pass, NYC is my reward!!!

Let the challenge begin!!

Lady Gaga sing for me girl!!

My Birthday Party!

Was hit! One of my friends offered to go with me to the bar, so that was nice of her. It was funny when her and her boyfriend and I got on the N, her old roommates where on it and then a few stops, some other people go on the N who I invited to my party, it was cute! A few people didn't show up that I was kind of hoping to see but it was fine. Almost everyone bought me a drink and I got nicely stoned, it was great! .I realized why I was nervous, I had never thrown a party this big for myself (it wasn't very big) but all of my birthday parties have been like no more then 4-5 people so this was different for me! Everyone loved my outfit, but no one said anything about the red lipstick, I was really iffy about wearing it being that the last time I wore red lipstick was back in like 8th grade...well it was more red/brown/rusty, anyways to see my lips look all 3D was weird, but I'm glad I did it and I think it will be a look I might do more often!!


Fake leather skirt from UO, coat from Good Will, AA tee, DKNY hoes and Farylrobin suede ankle booties!

8-3-83

Today at 4am I turned 26 (that's when I came into the world)! Out of all the numbers I have turned this number I am nervous about the most, or am I just nervous about tonight? So many people are coming (well they say they are coming) and it has shocked me, I never thought some of these people would want to come to my party. I'm sure its all in my head, or could be true or maybe both that I think most people dont like me because I can be somewhat of a shit; I think also being that I kind of dont like everything about myself I dont see why anyone would want to hang out with me or be my friend. I'm kind of regretting tonight, it would help a lot if my brother was home, I would make him take the street car with me, put my head on his shoulder and he would tell me "everything is going to be fine, dont worry!!".I'm sure he would also make me laugh, he's really good at that!!

I'll keep you posted!

Gareth Pugh could I hang out with you?

Nice?

I've never had a large fan base, its never been important to me, its also never been important to me if people like me or not; but I have never gone out of my way to be a bitch to people. I think I'm like a bee, I'm just here in life trying to get some pollen and go back to my hive to do it all over again tomorrow, but if you get in my way I'll fuck you up!

To be honest I've never physically fucked anyone up, if anything, if I don't like the way things are going my #1 go to, is to just leave, drop out, say good bye, unless words NEED to be said I'm not someone who will shy away from the opportunity (but I don't like doing it, I'm a lover not a fighter).

This brings me to my point? I for sure have a prudish and shallow side to me, there is no denying it!! If I find you boring I don't want to talk with you, if your outfit is so wrong I couldn't even be close to right I don't want to talk with you, not nice right? I KNOW!!!! Who do I think I am? I'm "no one", I question this motive, who planted this in my head? The only thing I can think of is back in 4th grade when I wanted to hang out with these 2 girls who where the "cool" girls in school because they always had the latest cloths and that drew me to them. One day I was fallowing them around like a puppy dog and one of the girls said to me to stop fallowing them because my cloths weren't cool enough. I remember just standing there as they walked away laughing, I looked down at my cloths and didn't understand what was wrong with my cloths, I think from then on I have been insecure on how I look and others around me. But to put a positive twist to it I love helping people out in picking out cloths, I LOVE IT!!!! That's being nice right? I think what this is really all about is that I posted an invite for my birthday and yes it's only been not even 24hours yet but no one has said "attending" and I think this says something about who I am and about who the people are in my life as well! As of lately I have been questing that. Yesterday I was on the phone with one of my friends and she told me some gossip about what happened to her husband and our friend and she said she doesn't know how they can still be friends after it all, I agreed! Then we started to talk about how we could never understand people who have tons of people in there life and they are all your "real" friends, we disagreed on this. When I was with my ex I remember asking him one day "you have so many friends, like SO MANY, are they all your REAL friends?" he didn't answer me right away I could tell he was thinking about this and then he turned to me and said "you know I never thought about that". I'm sorry WTF!!! Maybe there are people in this world who like to have tons of people in there life and then maybe there people who are like me who are fine in having like 3 people in her life. How can all those people be great people? Nice people? They cant, its impossible!!! Their are very few good, nice, honest and loyal people in this world, and I will never understand how having so many people in your life is awesome.

I'll keep you posted about my "party"!

July Favorites!

I was going to post this in a different blog but I kind of have ants in my pants about this ring! This ring used to belong to an elder cousin of mine who I adored very much. She had two other sisters who where all very kind to my mother and her sisters, but Cousin Ciss (like Sis, I think her name was Catherine) was kind of the girly one out of the three and I remember when I was a child she loved it when I would sit on her lap and play with her bracelets; she died when I was I think 10 from cancer. So many years later her husband died and her niece had my Mom and I come to the house to have whatever we wanted, and the only thing I really wanted was Cousin Ciss wedding ring........and a few other piece's of her jewelry! Well when my Mom and I arrived, one of my aunts was just leaving and she had a box full of stuff, my Mom was so upset because she knew my aunt had the wedding ring......(at this time my Mom and Aunt Barbara where in a tiff). When we got into the house my Mom asked the niece about a picture she was hoping to have and she told my Mom that my aunt took it and the wedding ring as well, I was a little bit upset but I knew down the road I would get it one day............like 6 years later!!!!! Anyways here it is, isn't so cute, it's a 1930's cut, a kind of style I would want and now have!!!


My other favorite is Diggy's blog! If you have cable and have caught Run's House on VH1 or is it MTV.....so bad, sorry, anyways its a really funny show and they seam like a really loving family. Diggy is kind of the middle child, he's not even a teen yet and this guy is sooooooooooo into fashion, I'm really impressed with some of the designers that he posts; he also pots some architects that are really impressive too! I will admit its also a glimpse into the "fab life" and who isn't curious about that??!!

Midair enlightenment

My trip to Hawaii was very relaxing but no light bulb moments happend on the island, it happend while I was in the air going home!

My aunt bought my mother and I first class tickets going to Hawaii and coming back but I wouldn't be going back to SF with my mother, she is staying an extra week being that I needed to get back to SF to really start my math tutoring and other responsibility's! If you have never sat in first class (this was my first time EVER) let me give you the pros and cons. Pros: you get all the free booze you want, you get your very own personal movie player so you don't have to watch the movie that everyone else will be watching, you get a menu of 4 different choices of food and you can pick 3 out of the 4, and LOTS of leg room. The Cons: The food is REALLY small, and if your still hungry tough, that's it....so lame, I guess that's all I can come up with for the cons. Anyways back to the topic! So I was a little bit nervous about flying by myself, being that this was my 2nd time doing so and I was very interested in finding out who was the person going to be sitting next to me on the plane ride home. When I got on the plane there was an older man, around my fathers age, dam I said to myself I was really hoping for a rich hottie! At one point it got cold in the plane and I put on my hoodie and the hoodie had a logo on the front of it stating where I live in the city, when I got up to use the bathroom and came back the guy sitting next to me saw the logo and asked if I lived in this part of the city I said yes and he said "oh so does my wife and myself" he pointed to her sitting across to the side. We start to chat it up and he asked about the neighborhood church and I said I used to go, he said his wife teaches there and as for years, he asked my last name and told it to his wife she said she knows my mom and dad and my bother; I had herd of there last name, and I'm sure have met the wife before just didn't remember.

This guy was SO nice and as we where talking I found out he had ADD and thinks he is dyslexic, he is the first person I have ever met who doesn't have an e-mail addy, he says he has never really been on a computer, he finds them to be very overwhelming! He asks how I cope threw life and i tell him, he seemed really impressed then he asked if I had a boyfriend and I told him the sad story of SF being there are more women than straight men so why should a SF man commit when he can have a new girl every night, he laughed and said that's too bad its like that, then he added they don't know what they are missing! I also talked about my living situation and he said I shouldn't care about that (I know I shouldn't!) he said it will all come in time, he added that one of his son's didn't move out till he was 30 (PLEASE GOD DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME!!!) He kept telling me that I'm going to do alright in life and for the first time EVER I believed it, he also said it was so nice talking with me because he had never talked with anyone who had some of the same struggles he had growing up and in general. It felt good that I made someone feel good and it's always nice to talk with another LD person, for sure someone older because if they made it in life you know you can too!

The picture taken up above was taken by me while I was watching a sunset on the left of me and rainbow to the right of me, it was so awesome! I know life really sucks sometimes and I know I complain about it a lot on here (but it is MY blog) and it's hard to see the lighter things in life, but its easier to do when you talk with someone, more so whit a random person ;)I know I'm going to be okay, the battle that I will have to face this fall will be a really really tough one for me but I know when I complete it its going to be worth it and I am for sure going to have a party!!!