Sunday, December 6, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Don't know how long I can go....
I feel like there is this hour glass floating on top of my head, and its really making me upset. I don't know if I can give school another semester, I don't know if I can take care of one more kid and I don't know how much I can take of feeling left behind. I've been thinking about going back to therapy but every time I think about it I feel its not going to help this time because my therapist isn't going to make me feel better about math or being single or feeling left out in life; that's only something I feel I'm going to have to do on my own. She would only be a new ear for me to vent to, and it just doesn't seem worth it.
Today I had to bring my baby cousin to pre-school and the location is not the greatest to get to when you don't have a car, but its manageable, just a long fucking walk! I love her so much, but apart of me did not want to do this today, the bus was packed, I had 2 big bags, one mine (I was going to go to class right after) and then the dipper bag; I also had the stroller and the kid. I drop the kid off, I felt sad that she cried when I left, but it was nice at the same time to know I would be missed. I had to take a differnt route to class, because of the location of the pre-school was, when I got on the street car I was wearing my headphones and daydreaming as usual, at some point I notice all the people sitting in front of me where looking kind of in my direction, I turn my head and see an old man laying on the floor between the door and the step! As I'm about to get up, some people rush over to help him, his hand is bleeding and the street car will not be moving for a while because the Muni driver says he's going to call for the ambulance. The ambulance comes, the EMT guys were taking their time I felt a little too much, and at this point I was wondering should I get off and just walk the rest to class....my toe still kind of hurts and the blocks around the neighborhood of school are SO LONG!!! So a Muni cop gets on and asks people what happened, I seem to be the only one who knew the most detail, and he asks for my name and I tell him I didn't see the whole thing so you can have my name! We all have to get off and go to another street car, I made it just in time for class.
I sit down and I start to get all terry eyed, my math teacher comes over to see how I'm doing with the homework and he see's I'm kind of crying I tell him "today is not a good day" he says that's okay and leaves me alone. I notice that Arms is in the testing room, I guess he still has not passed the last test yet you need to take to pass the class....WHY!!! The game, I am SO OVER the eye game, like just pass this test so I don't have to have sexy thoughts running in my head when I'm on the bus going home......or in class!! I really really really wish I could find out what he's thinking when he looks at me, does he think I'm odd looking or hot? Does he want to do crazy kinky things to me or does he think who would touch me? I wish there was a right moment to talk with him but there isn't, I really don't get life sometimes, I really really really don't!
I'm crossing fingers and toes for 010 to be better, because 09 has been no good!
Today I had to bring my baby cousin to pre-school and the location is not the greatest to get to when you don't have a car, but its manageable, just a long fucking walk! I love her so much, but apart of me did not want to do this today, the bus was packed, I had 2 big bags, one mine (I was going to go to class right after) and then the dipper bag; I also had the stroller and the kid. I drop the kid off, I felt sad that she cried when I left, but it was nice at the same time to know I would be missed. I had to take a differnt route to class, because of the location of the pre-school was, when I got on the street car I was wearing my headphones and daydreaming as usual, at some point I notice all the people sitting in front of me where looking kind of in my direction, I turn my head and see an old man laying on the floor between the door and the step! As I'm about to get up, some people rush over to help him, his hand is bleeding and the street car will not be moving for a while because the Muni driver says he's going to call for the ambulance. The ambulance comes, the EMT guys were taking their time I felt a little too much, and at this point I was wondering should I get off and just walk the rest to class....my toe still kind of hurts and the blocks around the neighborhood of school are SO LONG!!! So a Muni cop gets on and asks people what happened, I seem to be the only one who knew the most detail, and he asks for my name and I tell him I didn't see the whole thing so you can have my name! We all have to get off and go to another street car, I made it just in time for class.
I sit down and I start to get all terry eyed, my math teacher comes over to see how I'm doing with the homework and he see's I'm kind of crying I tell him "today is not a good day" he says that's okay and leaves me alone. I notice that Arms is in the testing room, I guess he still has not passed the last test yet you need to take to pass the class....WHY!!! The game, I am SO OVER the eye game, like just pass this test so I don't have to have sexy thoughts running in my head when I'm on the bus going home......or in class!! I really really really wish I could find out what he's thinking when he looks at me, does he think I'm odd looking or hot? Does he want to do crazy kinky things to me or does he think who would touch me? I wish there was a right moment to talk with him but there isn't, I really don't get life sometimes, I really really really don't!
I'm crossing fingers and toes for 010 to be better, because 09 has been no good!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
TCB all the way!
If you live in the area where they deliver call these guys up, it will be every penny!! Read about them on yelp!
TCB:
Operating in San Francisco, TCB Courier Service proudly delivers to businesses, homes, bars, parks, bathrooms and anywhere you need something and need it fast. Please give us a call with any and all inquiries, and we will do everything in our power to accommodate! Thanks, and hope to hear from you!
Don't let the "NO's" fool you, they will deliver out of their area it will just cost you a little more!
TCB:
Operating in San Francisco, TCB Courier Service proudly delivers to businesses, homes, bars, parks, bathrooms and anywhere you need something and need it fast. Please give us a call with any and all inquiries, and we will do everything in our power to accommodate! Thanks, and hope to hear from you!
Don't let the "NO's" fool you, they will deliver out of their area it will just cost you a little more!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Honstly Whining
I was thinking yesterday as I was whining to myself of how the fuck did I get a cold; that maybe I should change the tittle of this blog to "The girl who whines", being that most of my blogs are about how my life is so unfair. I know its not but for me personally it is. I saw the movie Precious on Sunday with some friends and it's a really sad movie, I knew it was going to be sad but I thought there was going to be a happy ending, not really. The movie is based on a novel, I don't know if the story is true, but for sure this lifestyle is true! Precious was never loved, her Mother and Father sexually,mentally and physically abused her, her father got her pregnant twice and she had both children all under the age of 17; she later finds out that she also got HIV from her father as well. There was a moment in the movie that she's crying to her teacher about how she's never had anyone love her, she's never had a boyfriend, nothing good has ever happened in her in life other than her children. I cried because this girl never stood in a chance in life, and its really scary and sad to think that their are people like this in real life, who just will never stand a chance. Sometimes I feel this way, as all of my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wife's and I have no one, and most of my weekends are spent at home in front of the T.V. with an Amy's pizza and a glass of wine with my Mother and I deciding witch house the couple should choose on House Hunters, I feel so pathetic. There was a time I had no friends, and now I have some, but in way I feel I don't, my social life has changed a lot over the last year, but I tell myself I have people who love me very much, and I know they do, but I want a different kind of love that they cant give me, but deep down inside I don't feel I should have it.
Lately I've been really depressed (I have talked about this) and I knew why, but I felt I wasn't getting to the root of why, until today. I miss my brother not being home, not that he ever was home a lot, its really hard for me to expect that he's living a life that I think about all the time, but at the same time am really scared about. As much as I want to get a real job and move out and have a life my family knows nothing about I wonder can I do it? I also get scared thinking if this does happen, will I finally be happy? I don't know if I've ever been 100% happy, I also think about will I finally be worthy enough to be with someone, because I don't feel I am now.
The worst person in my life is myself.
Lately I've been really depressed (I have talked about this) and I knew why, but I felt I wasn't getting to the root of why, until today. I miss my brother not being home, not that he ever was home a lot, its really hard for me to expect that he's living a life that I think about all the time, but at the same time am really scared about. As much as I want to get a real job and move out and have a life my family knows nothing about I wonder can I do it? I also get scared thinking if this does happen, will I finally be happy? I don't know if I've ever been 100% happy, I also think about will I finally be worthy enough to be with someone, because I don't feel I am now.
The worst person in my life is myself.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Lanvin, Givenchy and Gucci, BRAVO!!
I dream of wearing Lanvin, and this SS collection is amazing!
Givenchy, nice job!
Gucci used ALL of my favorite colors, and patterns, I love psychedelic patterns on dresses! Oh and the shoes and jewelery....DIE!!!
Givenchy, nice job!
Gucci used ALL of my favorite colors, and patterns, I love psychedelic patterns on dresses! Oh and the shoes and jewelery....DIE!!!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Evidence (its ugly)
This what happens when you have no fat on your foot (this is what my aunt told me) and a 1lb 4oz full starch can for ironing falls on your 4th toe!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
I've got the hot's for a barbaric!
He's in my math class, and he has the most barbaric name I have ever herd, I told my brother about him and he threw out every joke in the book about this guys name......but he has the most sexist arms I have ever seen; he's just this man's, man all man!!! He's going to go by Arms. Now maybe at this very moment I want him more than the other 2 months of school I have been having class with him because my hormones are going crazy because the last time I got shagged was by Mr. Romanian and he was not all that in the sak!! I'm looking for a man who knows how to work it, and I think Arms might be my ticket to a good time.......but then again I don't really want ANOTHER fuck buddy.......but I don't really see Arms and I hitting it off outside of the bedroom only because he smokes like a pack a day I bet and I have a feeling his friends and my friends wouldn't get along very well, his fashion is not the greatest but it is WAY better than Mr. Romanian's. We have made eye contact a few times, but I cant look at him for very long because I turn all red and my heart pounds like a mile a second.......I think he might be interested only because one day when we were both in the testing room and our teacher called roll and he called my name Arms turned his head all over the room looking for me.....is that good? I asked my brother what did he think if I went up to him and asked him if his name means anything, he said that was kind of dumb........now I'm rethinking this.....maybe ask him something about the class? Ahhhhhhhhhh,I want some dude interaction or I might hump something that doesn't need to be humped!!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Should I or Shouldn't I?
Any smart person knows their are two sides to every story, and its never wise to be one sided until you have herd both sides, but that's not the case for some people.
I think when I was 10, I carpooled with 3 other kids from SF to Belmont, to attend a school for kids with dyslexia.It was 2 girls and 2 boys, the oldest boy I had a huge crush on, his name was Chris and the 2 of us would fight all the time, everything I said and did was stupid and he never let me forget it.....and I still liked him, maybe this is why I like jerks? Anyways, the other boy was the youngest, he was 6 I think and then it was myself and the other girl she was kind of a year younger than me. I wouldn't say we where the best of friends but I wouldn't say we were not friends. I hung out with her on the weekends sometimes, do stuff with her family, until one day things changed like completely!! Her parents didn't intend her to stay at this school for too long because going to the "it" school was very important to them, so once she was able to get in to the other school our carpool got broken up, the older boy stared high school and the younger boy's family moved out of the bay area, and I started to carpool with a different bunch of kids who all disliked me I think because I wasn't Asian.
So this girl and I didn't see much of each other too much after she started to go to the other school, but every now and then we would hang out. At this time I made friends with this girl, Anna, in my class and one day I get this phone call from her asking me if I knew a Peter... and I said yes that's my friends brother,Anna tells me she was at Great America with some friends and some how started to talk with this guy Peter and he knew of this school in Belmont, he said his sister used to go there and he asked if Anna knew T and she said yes, that's her friend and he said to her, well tell T that we don't like her anymore! I forget all the details but I do remember it was a total shock to me, I didn't get it, what did I do? I also don't remember if I tried to call this girl,(lets call her N)to ask her what did I do, but I do remember the day I saw her at church!
It was time to get in line for communion bread and I think my parents where standing in front of me, and I remember N and her cousins and neighbors where inline across from me and they were all whispering and laughing and then looking at me as if I was the most awful person of the face of the planet!! I didn't get it, I also felt REALLY uncomfortable. After mass, I told my Mom in the car and she said she saw what was going on and didn't like it. I guess maybe my Mom told one of my Ants, and my Ant told her the reason why this might be going on......I feel like I told this story in a other blog, but oh well. One day my Ant wanted to meet her husband at the finish line where the Bay To Breaks ends and she knew parking would be crazy so she asked my Mom if she could ask N's parents if it would be okay to park her car by their house because they lived not too far from where the BTB was, N's mother said yes to my Ant but told her she wouldn't be home but her husband would be to answer the door(to hand over the car keys just in case the car needed to me moved). Now N's father knew what time my Ant was coming over, so when my Ant rang the door bell, N's father opens the door with nothing on but a towel.......by the way this man is the most unattractive man also the most creepy!! My Ant was a little embarrassed, but N's father wasn't, he asked her if she would like to come inside and told her no one is home!!! My Ant declined and told him she changed her mind about the car and left. Now maybe N's father got worried and told his kids to stay away from T and her family for whatever reason/lie I don't know but all i do know is that my social life changed a lot over those years, it wasn't easy! So this is where I ask you should I or shouldn't I.....
Should I leave it be the past? Or should I contact N and ask? I'm just really querious, I have been for a VERY long time, its like this Pandora's Box, even though more bad could come out of this, at the bottom of the box was hope so maybe some good could come out of this as well........clear the air if you will?
I think when I was 10, I carpooled with 3 other kids from SF to Belmont, to attend a school for kids with dyslexia.It was 2 girls and 2 boys, the oldest boy I had a huge crush on, his name was Chris and the 2 of us would fight all the time, everything I said and did was stupid and he never let me forget it.....and I still liked him, maybe this is why I like jerks? Anyways, the other boy was the youngest, he was 6 I think and then it was myself and the other girl she was kind of a year younger than me. I wouldn't say we where the best of friends but I wouldn't say we were not friends. I hung out with her on the weekends sometimes, do stuff with her family, until one day things changed like completely!! Her parents didn't intend her to stay at this school for too long because going to the "it" school was very important to them, so once she was able to get in to the other school our carpool got broken up, the older boy stared high school and the younger boy's family moved out of the bay area, and I started to carpool with a different bunch of kids who all disliked me I think because I wasn't Asian.
So this girl and I didn't see much of each other too much after she started to go to the other school, but every now and then we would hang out. At this time I made friends with this girl, Anna, in my class and one day I get this phone call from her asking me if I knew a Peter... and I said yes that's my friends brother,Anna tells me she was at Great America with some friends and some how started to talk with this guy Peter and he knew of this school in Belmont, he said his sister used to go there and he asked if Anna knew T and she said yes, that's her friend and he said to her, well tell T that we don't like her anymore! I forget all the details but I do remember it was a total shock to me, I didn't get it, what did I do? I also don't remember if I tried to call this girl,(lets call her N)to ask her what did I do, but I do remember the day I saw her at church!
It was time to get in line for communion bread and I think my parents where standing in front of me, and I remember N and her cousins and neighbors where inline across from me and they were all whispering and laughing and then looking at me as if I was the most awful person of the face of the planet!! I didn't get it, I also felt REALLY uncomfortable. After mass, I told my Mom in the car and she said she saw what was going on and didn't like it. I guess maybe my Mom told one of my Ants, and my Ant told her the reason why this might be going on......I feel like I told this story in a other blog, but oh well. One day my Ant wanted to meet her husband at the finish line where the Bay To Breaks ends and she knew parking would be crazy so she asked my Mom if she could ask N's parents if it would be okay to park her car by their house because they lived not too far from where the BTB was, N's mother said yes to my Ant but told her she wouldn't be home but her husband would be to answer the door(to hand over the car keys just in case the car needed to me moved). Now N's father knew what time my Ant was coming over, so when my Ant rang the door bell, N's father opens the door with nothing on but a towel.......by the way this man is the most unattractive man also the most creepy!! My Ant was a little embarrassed, but N's father wasn't, he asked her if she would like to come inside and told her no one is home!!! My Ant declined and told him she changed her mind about the car and left. Now maybe N's father got worried and told his kids to stay away from T and her family for whatever reason/lie I don't know but all i do know is that my social life changed a lot over those years, it wasn't easy! So this is where I ask you should I or shouldn't I.....
Should I leave it be the past? Or should I contact N and ask? I'm just really querious, I have been for a VERY long time, its like this Pandora's Box, even though more bad could come out of this, at the bottom of the box was hope so maybe some good could come out of this as well........clear the air if you will?
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