One more week of summer.

School starts for me next week and this week is my last week of summer....kind of sad. My summer hasn't been the greatest, but I have learned somethings this summer about my friends and my life. It has all been very useful information that I have gathered up over the past 3 months, and I'm a big believer on everything happens for a reason and what better time then now? I'm crossing my fingers really hard and ready to work harder then I've ever worked in my life to pass this math class and if it means going out less (as of lately I have been) then so be it. I want to make my dreams come true in the spring.....if all goes well I will have a job save the money and live with roommates, and be out of the most foggy part of the city!! I'm also willing to sacrifice not getting laid till now to December........BUT if the opportunity comes along I will not turn away from it, I'm just not going to hunt for it like I usually do; math is more important!!

I know when I put all my hard work into something the results show, I feel better about myself, it also helps to set a reward. Yes the big reward would to get a job and leave the nest but I've been itching to get my ass over to NYC for a long time now and so has one of my guy friends who lives over there. If I pass, NYC is my reward!!!

Let the challenge begin!!

Lady Gaga sing for me girl!!

My Birthday Party!

Was hit! One of my friends offered to go with me to the bar, so that was nice of her. It was funny when her and her boyfriend and I got on the N, her old roommates where on it and then a few stops, some other people go on the N who I invited to my party, it was cute! A few people didn't show up that I was kind of hoping to see but it was fine. Almost everyone bought me a drink and I got nicely stoned, it was great! .I realized why I was nervous, I had never thrown a party this big for myself (it wasn't very big) but all of my birthday parties have been like no more then 4-5 people so this was different for me! Everyone loved my outfit, but no one said anything about the red lipstick, I was really iffy about wearing it being that the last time I wore red lipstick was back in like 8th grade...well it was more red/brown/rusty, anyways to see my lips look all 3D was weird, but I'm glad I did it and I think it will be a look I might do more often!!


Fake leather skirt from UO, coat from Good Will, AA tee, DKNY hoes and Farylrobin suede ankle booties!

8-3-83

Today at 4am I turned 26 (that's when I came into the world)! Out of all the numbers I have turned this number I am nervous about the most, or am I just nervous about tonight? So many people are coming (well they say they are coming) and it has shocked me, I never thought some of these people would want to come to my party. I'm sure its all in my head, or could be true or maybe both that I think most people dont like me because I can be somewhat of a shit; I think also being that I kind of dont like everything about myself I dont see why anyone would want to hang out with me or be my friend. I'm kind of regretting tonight, it would help a lot if my brother was home, I would make him take the street car with me, put my head on his shoulder and he would tell me "everything is going to be fine, dont worry!!".I'm sure he would also make me laugh, he's really good at that!!

I'll keep you posted!

Gareth Pugh could I hang out with you?

Nice?

I've never had a large fan base, its never been important to me, its also never been important to me if people like me or not; but I have never gone out of my way to be a bitch to people. I think I'm like a bee, I'm just here in life trying to get some pollen and go back to my hive to do it all over again tomorrow, but if you get in my way I'll fuck you up!

To be honest I've never physically fucked anyone up, if anything, if I don't like the way things are going my #1 go to, is to just leave, drop out, say good bye, unless words NEED to be said I'm not someone who will shy away from the opportunity (but I don't like doing it, I'm a lover not a fighter).

This brings me to my point? I for sure have a prudish and shallow side to me, there is no denying it!! If I find you boring I don't want to talk with you, if your outfit is so wrong I couldn't even be close to right I don't want to talk with you, not nice right? I KNOW!!!! Who do I think I am? I'm "no one", I question this motive, who planted this in my head? The only thing I can think of is back in 4th grade when I wanted to hang out with these 2 girls who where the "cool" girls in school because they always had the latest cloths and that drew me to them. One day I was fallowing them around like a puppy dog and one of the girls said to me to stop fallowing them because my cloths weren't cool enough. I remember just standing there as they walked away laughing, I looked down at my cloths and didn't understand what was wrong with my cloths, I think from then on I have been insecure on how I look and others around me. But to put a positive twist to it I love helping people out in picking out cloths, I LOVE IT!!!! That's being nice right? I think what this is really all about is that I posted an invite for my birthday and yes it's only been not even 24hours yet but no one has said "attending" and I think this says something about who I am and about who the people are in my life as well! As of lately I have been questing that. Yesterday I was on the phone with one of my friends and she told me some gossip about what happened to her husband and our friend and she said she doesn't know how they can still be friends after it all, I agreed! Then we started to talk about how we could never understand people who have tons of people in there life and they are all your "real" friends, we disagreed on this. When I was with my ex I remember asking him one day "you have so many friends, like SO MANY, are they all your REAL friends?" he didn't answer me right away I could tell he was thinking about this and then he turned to me and said "you know I never thought about that". I'm sorry WTF!!! Maybe there are people in this world who like to have tons of people in there life and then maybe there people who are like me who are fine in having like 3 people in her life. How can all those people be great people? Nice people? They cant, its impossible!!! Their are very few good, nice, honest and loyal people in this world, and I will never understand how having so many people in your life is awesome.

I'll keep you posted about my "party"!

July Favorites!

I was going to post this in a different blog but I kind of have ants in my pants about this ring! This ring used to belong to an elder cousin of mine who I adored very much. She had two other sisters who where all very kind to my mother and her sisters, but Cousin Ciss (like Sis, I think her name was Catherine) was kind of the girly one out of the three and I remember when I was a child she loved it when I would sit on her lap and play with her bracelets; she died when I was I think 10 from cancer. So many years later her husband died and her niece had my Mom and I come to the house to have whatever we wanted, and the only thing I really wanted was Cousin Ciss wedding ring........and a few other piece's of her jewelry! Well when my Mom and I arrived, one of my aunts was just leaving and she had a box full of stuff, my Mom was so upset because she knew my aunt had the wedding ring......(at this time my Mom and Aunt Barbara where in a tiff). When we got into the house my Mom asked the niece about a picture she was hoping to have and she told my Mom that my aunt took it and the wedding ring as well, I was a little bit upset but I knew down the road I would get it one day............like 6 years later!!!!! Anyways here it is, isn't so cute, it's a 1930's cut, a kind of style I would want and now have!!!


My other favorite is Diggy's blog! If you have cable and have caught Run's House on VH1 or is it MTV.....so bad, sorry, anyways its a really funny show and they seam like a really loving family. Diggy is kind of the middle child, he's not even a teen yet and this guy is sooooooooooo into fashion, I'm really impressed with some of the designers that he posts; he also pots some architects that are really impressive too! I will admit its also a glimpse into the "fab life" and who isn't curious about that??!!

Midair enlightenment

My trip to Hawaii was very relaxing but no light bulb moments happend on the island, it happend while I was in the air going home!

My aunt bought my mother and I first class tickets going to Hawaii and coming back but I wouldn't be going back to SF with my mother, she is staying an extra week being that I needed to get back to SF to really start my math tutoring and other responsibility's! If you have never sat in first class (this was my first time EVER) let me give you the pros and cons. Pros: you get all the free booze you want, you get your very own personal movie player so you don't have to watch the movie that everyone else will be watching, you get a menu of 4 different choices of food and you can pick 3 out of the 4, and LOTS of leg room. The Cons: The food is REALLY small, and if your still hungry tough, that's it....so lame, I guess that's all I can come up with for the cons. Anyways back to the topic! So I was a little bit nervous about flying by myself, being that this was my 2nd time doing so and I was very interested in finding out who was the person going to be sitting next to me on the plane ride home. When I got on the plane there was an older man, around my fathers age, dam I said to myself I was really hoping for a rich hottie! At one point it got cold in the plane and I put on my hoodie and the hoodie had a logo on the front of it stating where I live in the city, when I got up to use the bathroom and came back the guy sitting next to me saw the logo and asked if I lived in this part of the city I said yes and he said "oh so does my wife and myself" he pointed to her sitting across to the side. We start to chat it up and he asked about the neighborhood church and I said I used to go, he said his wife teaches there and as for years, he asked my last name and told it to his wife she said she knows my mom and dad and my bother; I had herd of there last name, and I'm sure have met the wife before just didn't remember.

This guy was SO nice and as we where talking I found out he had ADD and thinks he is dyslexic, he is the first person I have ever met who doesn't have an e-mail addy, he says he has never really been on a computer, he finds them to be very overwhelming! He asks how I cope threw life and i tell him, he seemed really impressed then he asked if I had a boyfriend and I told him the sad story of SF being there are more women than straight men so why should a SF man commit when he can have a new girl every night, he laughed and said that's too bad its like that, then he added they don't know what they are missing! I also talked about my living situation and he said I shouldn't care about that (I know I shouldn't!) he said it will all come in time, he added that one of his son's didn't move out till he was 30 (PLEASE GOD DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME!!!) He kept telling me that I'm going to do alright in life and for the first time EVER I believed it, he also said it was so nice talking with me because he had never talked with anyone who had some of the same struggles he had growing up and in general. It felt good that I made someone feel good and it's always nice to talk with another LD person, for sure someone older because if they made it in life you know you can too!

The picture taken up above was taken by me while I was watching a sunset on the left of me and rainbow to the right of me, it was so awesome! I know life really sucks sometimes and I know I complain about it a lot on here (but it is MY blog) and it's hard to see the lighter things in life, but its easier to do when you talk with someone, more so whit a random person ;)I know I'm going to be okay, the battle that I will have to face this fall will be a really really tough one for me but I know when I complete it its going to be worth it and I am for sure going to have a party!!!

Where's the Pep?

Last week when I was walking to Muni I noticed that I wasn't walking the way I usually walk, it was more slow and I'm sure from a far a little depressing looking. My walk in general is kind of fast and has a strut to it, as vain as this is I love to imagine that the sidewalks are my runways and I'm wearing the most fashion forward outfit anyone has ever seen, it also helps to have an awesome playlist on your iPod to help that imagination feel more real (I'm crazy, I know). In the last few months things have changed, my social life is not what it used to be, my hopes and plans for this summer have once again fallen to disappointment (I take most of the blame) and my "love life" or maybe I should call it my "boy life" has been disappointing as well.

Yesterday my friend and I finally got to check out Rainbow Grocery but as I was getting ready to leave for her house I had no desire to dress cute, yes I know I was just going to a grocery store, but this store is oozing with cute boys, so dressing cute gives you more chances of a "I'm checking you out", to top if off I had a pimple on the side of my chin that was/is the size of Texas! I feel so sulky, and used, I have had no desire lately to dress cute and this worries me, the only motivation I had was for 4th of July when my family and I went to a BBQ hosted by some friends of the family. I had this dress that I have been dying to show off and I was really excited that the weather was nice enough for me to wear it..........of cores everyone loved it!! But that's been it, other than that, I have no pep. So when I got to my friends house I told her what was going on and she said sometimes she feels this way and its just a little phase, I really hope so, but deep down inside I don't think so. She gave me a card with a cute picture on the front and a gift card to go along with it, her and her husband wanted to thank me for taking care of their cat, it was totally unexpected but made me feel really special and appreciated!!

Going back to things have been different, I don't mind change but I'm sure like most people certain changes can sometimes bring you down because you know they will NEVER go back to what it used to be and you have to alter yourself from it and move on. That's hard for me to do, I'm sure its a bad thing, but when I get comfortable with something I get REALLY REALLY comfortable and I don't think about the what if's so when something comes along and changes it up it really throws me off! I don't know how to deal, well I should say I deal maybe in a really isolated way, because that's what I do.

What I think I need to do is foucus on what's coming up for me. Today I'm meeting my math tutor for the first time and tomorrow my sewing teacher is coming over, I will be sewing my last project being that I know I cant sew and learn math at the same time. And then on Sunday I leave for Hawaii for a week, my aunt has told me that their is this girl who helps out on my aunt's property who is a yoga guru and if this girl is cool maybe I'll ask her to help me be a yoga/hippie/I have reached Nirvana/bla bla bla. I think that will be good for me, its a peaceful setting, and a perfect area to it!

Maybe when I get back my pep will come back as well?!

Gum on your shoe!

Its funny right when I delete the guy from my phone that I will be no longer seeing anymore he contacts me like the next day or with in that week! And that would be Surfer Guy, the last update was I fixed him lunch we had a little tiff as I was leaving his pace he said we would try it again tomorrow, I didnt hear from him the next day so I just assumed he was being nice but really "we" were done........WRONG! I think it was a few day's had passed and I get this text from him it said "Hello. How are you?" I freaked out a little, I quickly texted my friend saying Surfer Guy just texted me, she replied "DONT TEXT HIM BACK" than added "wait, tell him to dont contact you he's a jerk face". I went back and forth on to text or not to text but I thought, okay so if I text him and we do try this agian one more time and it works that would be awesome and if doesnt than for sure we were a bad match from the start. I text him back and threw that week we texted and than that Saturday we talked on the phone, I told him I need people to be understading with me because sometimes it takes me a while to form the right words other wise if you rush me a bunch of jumble will come out. He said he needs to work on being chill and more understanding with people in general anyways so he was fine with this, we decided to see each other the next evening. I go over and we make out and watch a short film and than I go home, from than on things where going good, but he wasnt giving me the attention that I was getting the first week we met and I found this to be a little odd, so half of me was sitting back and watching how all this was paying out. Every time we did hang out it was in his bed room and I didnt like this, I felt this was turning into a fuck buddy thing and so I needed to put a stop to this! Last weekend he texted me asking what I was doing for Sat night, I told him nothing and so than he said did I want to come over I said fine, the more we talked I noticed he was acting a little odd so I asked are you drunk he said yes...........red flag? When I arrived he gave me this big hug and said "life is hard, its really really hard" (you dont need to tell me this!!) than he says he's happy I'm hear and we go to his room, he wants to hug more and then we start to make out and stop from time to time and talk, at one point he says he wants me to be his girl friend, NOW I KNOW HE'S DRUNK!!! I laugh and say's okay and than we both fall a sleep. When I left the next morning I thought about what he said, Why did say that, what made him say that?

That Sunday night I developed a fever and chill and soon became as a REALLY REALLY BAD stomach flu, I texted Surfer Guy that night to call me when he got off work. When he called I told him I'm sick......he didn't seem to worried or cared that much, I asked him about work and then I brought up the other night of some of the things he said and I added I know you were drunk and maybe you didn't mean them but they got me thinking. I asked him if we are ever going to do things outside of the bed room or if he likes the way things are, he got really upset about this and as he was talking in my mind I was thinking this is it! This guy has got some problems and I don't want to see him anymore! After when we were done talking he said he would call me tomorrow and I hoped he wouldn't! He didn't..........until Fri morning I get a text saying "Hi?" I thought I got ride of this guy, but I guessed wrong so I texted him back saying "I dont want to talk or hang out with you anymore" he reply's back...
Surfer Guy:"Hello? What happened? Did you meet someone else?"
Me: "No i didnt meet someone else"
Surfer Guy:"Then whats up? Why are you bailing?
Me:"I dont think your really into me the way I have been towards you, also the times that I have upset/annoyed you have kind of scared me and I dont like it."
Surfer Guy:"I'm sorry."

I'm sorry? That was it, I got my answer, he was never really that into me, he never called me the rest of the week to see how I was feeling, overall he never really made it important to get to know me, when I went out of my way to try to get to know him!

Today was Gay Pride and my friends and I went out to celebrate and be supportive also to enjoy the lovely weather, as I was talking with one of the people in our group I get a text from Surfer Guy :"I feel really bad about the way we ended things. I wish we could of hung out more. Thing's have been stressful with my Dad moving far away last Thursday." WTF!!!! My friend was right this guy is weird!! I didnt reply back I TRULY TRULY HOPE this is the last i hear from him because this guy is so mixed up that I dont need it!!

When you get gum on your shoe its really hard to get it off, but once its off its off for good!!