"Cruched"

Yesterday around 4:30 I went down stares to iron some pants, I needed to move the ironing table away from the wall a little bit, on the table was a full can of starch that I really didn't think much of when moving the board......UNTIL THE CAN FELL ON MY TOE!!!!!!!!!! I was wearing socks, that maybe that helped a little? But not much because it fucking HURT, right when it happend I sat on the floor and held my foot and said every cuss word in the book then I started to cry, I told myself to calm down maybe its not that bad, so then I got up and tried to make it up stares to call my friend but when my foot made the second step it felt like someone was stabbing my toe!! So I went into my parents room to call my Mom, I told her what happened as clearly as possible (I was crying like crazy!!), she said she would be on her way home ASAP! So then I crawled up the steps to call my friend to let her know that I will not be able to make it to the art show tonight....she told me to put some ice on it and elevate it, I might or might have not broken the toe, but ether way you can't do much for toes :( She stayed on the phone with me till Mom got home (such a good friend).

I was SO upset this happened to me because I was really looking forward to going to this art show, I had a cute outfit all ready, I still had some of the awesome weed my brother gave me and was ready to share it my friend, she said she was going to bring mini bottles of champagne, and I could only imagine all the cute boys that would be attending this event.........but I would not be going :(

So Mom comes to the living room, I cry again (I'm going to milk this a little bit) she calls my Ant because my Ant is the best "blow smoker" EVER, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry this happend to you, your such a sweet girl, how awefull, I'm so sorry baby..." My Mother has never been one to talk like that, the only sweet things she says is "I'm sorry honey" and that's fine, but for something like this that took me by shock and freaked me out, because all I could think about was did I break my toe, I needed some "smoke blown" up my ass :)

That night the pain really bugged me and my Mom said we should go to the hospital tomorrow morning and at first I was fine with that but then I thought, I want to sleep tomorrow not wake up at the butt crack of dawn on a Sat morning to go to a hospital, so I asked her if we could go now.......and turn off Wyatt Earp, God I love that movie and Tombstone too; I don't want to have kids but if I ever had a boy Grant and Wyatt have been my top favorite names (their is a goth/hick in me). Okay so we get to the hospital, they see me right away, did not expect that, they put me in a wheel chair and my Mom wheeled me around and MANY times almost hit my bad foot agent chairs and walls.......I almost killed her!!! They took my x-ray, and then put me in another room for the doctor to see me, they doc comes in said your toe is not broken but it is "crushed", the blood vesicles got all...well crushed, and he said this kind of thing REALLY sucks, he said it will take about 2-3 weeks to heal. Wonderful!!! So now when I go to school, not only will I be wearing sweats I'll be wearing athletic sandals.....that I only wear around the house, no cute boots, flats or oxfords for me :(

I was thinking could this be karma? I think I've talked about how I'm really big on everything happens for a reason, and I was thinking as I was laying down on the hospital bed, was this karma? I feel I have suffered enough, with having a yest infection for a MONTH!!! To boost my ego, I want to share a pic with you in what i wore for Halloween.

Gimmi, gimmi, buy me buy me!

You will not be missed October!

I'm really hoping that November will be a little bit better! So far its just whatever. My Halloween was pathetic, but it could have been more pathetic I guess if I had just stayed home, that was almost going to happen! I called my friends up last minute and they let me tag along to 2 parties they were going to. The first one was nice/okay it was over in SOMA, I dressed up as a blond witch, a sexy blond witch!! But as usual I was the only single person at this party and felt the youngest!! The next party was really sad, a part of me is slapping my other part of me for feeling depressed!! We arrive to this guys place and it was only him and 2 other guys....the guy is kind of handicapped and apparently he sent out a mass email to LOTS of people and almost no one showed up!! I felt sorry for the guy, he seemed nice, but also seemed he tried too hard to be "cool". There was a movie playing called Society it was just finishing up, this movie I think was the most bazaar and gross movie I have ever seen, it wasn't even scary it was just weird!!

As I cam out of the shower this morning I was thinking I get really selfish when I'm depressed, and bitter, very very bitter. In general I don't see myself as a cherry person but I don't think I'm a downer, I guess I'm in the middle? I'm not happy with so many thing right now, and its really frustrating because there is not much I can do about it. Like I said this other part of me is slapping myself in the face because I know I have it better than that guy I saw last night, I know I do but its hard to really know it when your in a rut. I've also been wondering do people really want to be my friend, or do they just feel sorry for me? I never want anyone to feel sorry for me.....only about school, I don't need pity, I would rather have you not be my friend than be my friend because you feel sorry for me! I have no desire to do anything, today I was thinking about going to Dolores Park and do some HW, but I changed my mind because I knew I would have to get all cute, but if I just sat out in my backyard I could be a bum!!

I sympathize with the dog!

I've been taking care of a dog this week and as much as I love him he drives me crazy! He's very needy, wines about everything....hungry, not giving him enough attention, I'm leaving the house and he's not coming, wants to be on the bed with me....bla bla bla! But in a way I shouldn't make this such a big deal, I found out on Monday that his owners like their turtles better than him (the dog)and I kind of found that to be a little sad, I also herd that they ignore him, the only one that gives him any kind of attention is the oldest daughter; I'm sure its not much being now that she's in high school. I guess I would be acting the same way, all needy, I'm in a house where people are nice to me and give me attention and love, my own owners don't even give me that! I feel sorry for the guy, in a way I can sympathize.

I have been feeling really depressed for the past month now, I'm also very bitter, I don't want to socialize with others, if it was up to me I would just live in my room 24/7! I'm not happy with so many things, over all my life, most of the time its with myself but this time its with my life.....well I guess a little bit with myself. I wish my brain was good at math, I'm very envious of my brother, he visited another country and has moved out all in the last 2 1/2 months! I'm starting to hate this city, I feel very little good has happened for me here, but where would I move to? The only thing holding me is my Mother, I'm very close with her, and other day at a family birthday party she fainted in the bathroom and all I could think about on the car ride home was "what if I lived in LA or NYC, my Dad would have been the one to take care of her, he kind of sucks at that job" Yes I know other family members would and did help out but me being kind of a control freak scared me!

This weekend was all about family, and as much as I love my family sometimes I wish I lived far away so then I wouldn't be sucked into doing stuff for them. On Fri I was sposed to go to a dinner but my Aunt got sick so the dinner was called off, I had 2 invites from friends but me being so anti I stayed in, and around 8ish went with my parents to see my Aunt to see how she was doing.....I got $20 bucks for stopping by? Then Sat, I didn't mind so much, we went over to the East Bay to celebrate my cousins 4th birthday, that was fun until my Mom fainted!! And today, I wanted to shoot myself, I had to go back over to my Aunts house to help out her husband with his iPhone, that took about an hour and 20 min!!! He gave me $50? Then I had to go with my Mom to pick up a picture at Cheep Pets, drive over to her work to drop it off, then drive to Safeway and come back home........did I mention today's weather was perfect??? I should have been at Dolores Park with friends drinking and smoking, or doing something a 20 something does on a weekend....I wouldn't know, I don't have a life!!I know this might be TMI, but I have had a yest infection for a month now, the fucker wont go away, I have been on 2 different kinds of meds, I want to rip my vagina out of my body......it wont be any use to me anyways, I just keep meeting one looser after another!!

This is Buddie!

October Favorites!

Love, Loss, and What I Wore: Kate Lanphear
Dear Aunt Bunny: Studs, jeans, and Balenciaga...I gotta be me

I come from a conservative Irish-Catholic family. My parents are judges, and I have a sister who’s a lawyer. She’s an all-American girl: Abercrombie jeans, Old Navy hoodies, Nikes. My Aunt Bunny and godmother, Auntie Esther, are two of the most put-together women of all time. Esther’s impeccable bag was always coordinated with the most polished shoes, both offering subtle contrast to her perfectly tailored skirt suits.

My closet, however, is filled with studs, chains, rock ’n’ roll T-shirts, and black skinny jeans. The clothes that feel most like my own skin are the ones that are a little aggressive, a bit punked out: Balenciaga shoes and YSL blazers—I could blow my life’s savings on Givenchy and Alaïa.

If you asked me who my style icons were, I’d say I began with old-school heavy metal. I love the androgyny and the glam. In high school I covered my bedroom walls with Axl Rose posters. Appetite for Destruction was out, and I trailed Guns N’ Roses’ tour bus in my Honda Civic (its plates read AXL LVR). I had these amazing, skinny, tight-enough-to- cut-off-your-circulation acid-wash jeans with an inky blue plastic zipper that ran up the seam, purchased at Spencer’s Gifts at the mall. I had begged my mom for them. They were part of a look: slouchy suede boots, oversize suede jacket, outrageous jeans. Breaking the suburbatopian mold by wearing metalhead garb definitely wasn’t something one did to fit in with the cool kids in Fairfax, Virginia.

My getup was an even bigger faux pas with the family. For awhile I gave their Hyannisport compound ideal a shot. I wore glen plaid trousers from the Limited to Aunt Bunny’s for Christmas. “Oh my God, you look amazing!” she said. Meanwhile, I felt like an imposter.

The awkwardness and inner conflict got worse when I started out as an assistant at a fashion magazine. There was so much pressure to dress the part. I decided I had to fake it to make it. Carolyn Bessette was the girl du jour, so I did my best mimicry, wearing LBDs at an appropriate but unflattering length, with pointy ladylike slingbacks. Then one day in a vintage shop I found…a pair of skinny acid-wash jeans. It was like, Ahhh!—a halo was shining around them. I wore them every day. When I got my first big break, I thought, “Screw it, I’m wearing the jeans to the interview with the editor in chief.” I wanted to see what would happen if I was real. I remember telling her, “I’m not your typical fashion editor. I work hard and I know my stuff, but you should know, I’ll be the one wearing acid-wash jeans.” I got the job.

Once those skinny jeans came into my life, everything that wasn’t authentic—the whole WASPy facade—dropped away. That’s the thing about fashion: You can use it to hide, but it’s only magic when you use it to express who you really are.

Take it slow, take it easy on me......please!

The World doesnt owe me anything and dating is an exception!

You rock Taylor Swift!!!!


I think maybe I'm better single too!

What am I good at?

What I am good at I think doesn't matter in life, so in a way I'm good at nothing!

If only...

If only I could 5'8, I'm 5'4!

If only I found eating to be fun again, I have realized a few days ago I'm depressed and I have noticed that I have been looking a little bit more thin than usual :(

If only there were not so many frogs in this city and more prince's!

If only I had the courage to break up with Mr. Romania!

If only I could pass this math class.....maybe next semester!

If only I found joy getting ready to start my day, at this point I don't even care what I wear, I'm putting no effort, my cloths don't bring me joy like they usually do!

If only I could get out of this funk!!

Crazy Dreams!

I know hearing or reading about other peoples dreams are not that interesting but I have had 3 crazy dreams in 3 nights and I really feel like sharing them!

1. I was on some island and I was standing in a shallow pond of beautiful clear blue water and all of a sudden a herd of zebra's come running past me in all different directions but they were not your average zebra's, like black and white, their body was like a lava lamp/a Basso&Brooke dress, it was crazy beautiful!! Then the zebra's turned into guys........hot guys, and one of them came up to me and started talking to me but I dont remember what he said; all I do remember is he pointed to the right and I walked off and ended on some ship with a little boy running around and my father trying to go with him on some elevator that was for employees only......CRAZY!!!




2. So I know my friend is going to roll her eyes when she reads this, but IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!!! The Writer was in my dream (the guy who I had acting class with) we were naked in bed......this bedroom by the way was covered in books and it was dark, dark red and black seemed to be the them!At one point he takes this little little pepper shaker and shakes white stuff on the pillow and sniffs it up his nose and I ask him
was that coke and he says yes and then I tell him how I have been thinking of trying coke and then that was the end of the dream.........CRAZY!!!
FYI: I don't plan on trying coke EVER!!!!

3. My 3rd was very weird, some parts are a little fuzzy so excuse me for that! I'm in LA and its at night and I'm hanging out with 2 of the girls from the TV show The Hills Audrina Patridge and Stephanie Pratt and Miss DVF (Diane von Furstenberg!)I'm trying to park my car (I should have been driving something expensive, not a Nissan!!)anyways, we park the car by a corner store and I wasn't that happy about it but the girls told me the car was going to be fine, after we get out of the car I dont remember where we went but I do remember coming back to the car and one side of the car was smashed, so I turn to DVF and tell her she should give me $400 for the car and she said "Oh okay fine, but only because I make so much money darling" then this rose colored van shows up and DVF tells everyone to get in but before we get in the van we notice that there is a party going on in this building by my wrecked car, I ask her can we go and she says I can just walk into any party!
The End!