I'm in love with Cyrano

My friend, I have my bitter days, knowing myself so ulgy, so alone. Sometimes -

No husband picked white fence and 3 kids for me thank you.

I had to host a baby shower over the weekend and I did the best job I could to keep a smile on my face and look like I was enjoying myself to no end (having an endless wine selection helped). At one point I was in the kitchen getting drinks for some of the women and they start asking me do I want kids, I tell them,” no” ( I knew this was not so easy to say) “oh your just saying that because your 24”, “ your great with kids, you’ll be an awesome Mom”. I let them talk and when they were done I tell them “I want to lead a selfish life, and with kids you can’t do that, also kids are expensive (I look at this women who has 5 kids already and with one in the oven, I’m a bitch) then they interrupt me, I hand them their drinks and I sneak out of the kitchen.

Fuck the traditional life, I want to see the world and never have to worry about making an amazing dinner 7 days a week for my family, or worry am I doing this parent thing good enough, oh and how can I forget the odds of my vagina possibly splitting to my ass whole while giving birth!!!! NO THANK YOU!!!! Then there is the risk of divorce or growing apart and just living together for the kids. I don’t have commitment issues at all, I’m very faithful to the guy that I’m dating but do people realize that marriage is FOR EVER?? I think who has the best life is my acting teacher Susan, she has a boyfriend and a dog and gets to travel to NYC and Paris all she wants, that’s what I want, how more perfect can that get?

Being that I haven’t been on a date for 7 months now, things look promising!

The way no man I think could ever fuck me.

When Monday hits I wish it was Friday all over again, and then Tuesday comes and I forget about how good it feels when I’m high and drunk on the weekend, more high then drunk. Music sounds so much better when your high, I’ll never forget the first time I heard music when I was high, I kind of got freaked out and then I collected myself and gave in and it was amazing, at one point I told my guy friend Blake “the music feels like cream running down my ear” I had no idea what I meant by that and I don’t think he did either, I just knew the music felt smooth to my ears. I let go of everything, I feel the music is in my sole, in my body, fucking me the way no man I think could ever fuck me(alough having sex when your high is awesome), it hugs me and holds me and I love every minute of it. I wish I could be high everyday but I would never get anything done I would just lay on the floor of my room all day and listen to music and then of cores leave the house for my reliable cravings Pizza, Twix and Kit Kat’s, every fucking time, it’s nice to know when I’m high I’m at least consistent ! As for the rest of my life and the people in it, that’s a different story, or blog should I say?

Admit it, we are the same....

I think one of the biggest pet peeves I have is feeling embarrassed, and for 3 months now that’s how I have been feeling……..I want to say something so bad but I know what I want to say isn’t going to change anything, I’m sure it would only make things worse dealing with the fact that this being is malicious and wallows in its own shit for the rest of the world to feel sorry for it (personally I think it just needs a really good blow and fuck ,the kind that you think your brain is going to explode out of your head). Why did you look at me all those time? I know why I looked at you, it was for a different reason than yours, do even you know that? Now I’m starting to feel sick, just knowing the fact that there will be times we might be in the same part of the city and I’m going to be the only one out of the 2 of us that’s going to care, my heart is going to race, my palms are going sweat, my stomach is going to feel weak and you’re never going to know this or care. So it turns back around to me feeling embarrassed for falling for a being that will never look or think about me.
If I could have a moment with you, I would push you up against the wall and tell you how much we are the same and how little we are different and then when the tears start that’s when I let parts of your shirt that’s crumpled up in my hands go and walk away and only hope you will come up behind me, turn me around and tell me, “your right”.

Liam Gallagher save me.

I sit in front of this computer home on a Friday night, it's been a while, being home on a Friday night; I've put Oasis "wonderwall" on repeat, i love when he say's " because maybe your going to be the one that save's me", lately i would like to be saved from this city. I love San Francisco, i was born and raised here, and so were my parents, i'm a rare breed. So i love SF but i dont think SF loves me, but then again i think no matter where i live (if i ever move) i will always be the fish out of water. I was really thinking about this the other day, the fish out of water thing, being that it was a topic in my acting class, " why do i feel thats my title of my life?" I think parts of it have to with the school i went to; when you go to a school with 60 kids from 6th to 12th grade.............it was a nightmare. We didnt have the sports games, dances and all the other things that a normal school has, i missed out on so much, and now being 24 i feel i'm playing catch up with myself more then ever, as if i know i'm going to die at 24 or something. I'm more board with myself then ever, i'm questing myself more then ever, and i have never been more into myself then ever. So Liam Gallagher will you save me form this fire that is out in my heart?