Regretting Arms!

Last Thursday night Arms and I met up at El Rio for drinks. I was super nervous and I had the voice my cousin in the back of my head repeating over and over again "be nice, first dates are hard!". When I arrived at the bar Arms bought me a beer and then we went outside to sit down.....I thought El Rio would be perfect because Arms could smoke away his nerves and I could keep my jacket on for security reasons! Conversation was going great, lots of things to talk about, I was making him laugh he was making me laugh we where keeping things classy.....until I think the booze started to really sink in with Arms!! I don't remember how it came up (I was a little buzzed myself!) but he asked what body parts do I like on a guy and I told him, "hands, nice thick clean hands, a wide back and a harry chest" he asked, "that's it?" I said "well no, but I'm trying to keep is classy" and he said, "well now you have to tell me" I said fine as I knew this information was going to get me into trouble!! I told him my love for saggy balls, he laughed and said that was hot, he then added that he doesn't think he has ever met a girl who loves balls....I guess I'm your first!! We met at the bar at 8 and it was now 11:30, he said he was hungry and asked if I was too, I said no but I'd go with him if he wanted to continue the evening, he said sure. We left the bar and went into a restaurant near by, at this point he was really dropping the sexy talk and I knew this guy wanted to have sex, but what I didn't know was that's all he wanted!!!!

I told him I have nothing to do the next day and he said he didn't as well, I offered to drive him home, we get to his house and he asked if I wanted to come in, I said sure. His room was clean and very organized I was VERY impressed! He lit up a joint and we smoked and talked some more, he was acting a little bit odd, but I didnt think too much of it. The chair I was sitting on was killing my ass so I moved to the bed, I guess this was an invite for him to make the moves so he did! Kissing, cloths coming off...he was a good kisser and he had some good moves, but then once he shoved my head down south everything else went down south! I forgot to mention that when I told him I liked saggy balls he said he had saggy balls.......UM NO HE DID NOT!!! I'm also going to say that this is the second middle eastern guy I have been with and the first guy's dick was so small that I got freaked out, Arms was packin just a little bit more but still a disappointment!! I really thought this guy was hung....DAMMIT!! He was also into some things sexually that I was not into, like cumming on a girls face or in her mouth, look cum tastes nasty I don't care what you think it is gross and messy and I don't like it!! BUT I let him do it once....I didn't know that he was going to do it!! The sex was whatever, after we were done he sat in his bean bag and I sat up on the bed, he asked if I wanted to smoke some more and I said, "I don't think its a good idea if I'll be driving home tonight, unless you want me to stay" he said "Yeah, I think its better if I didn't spend the night I'm really tired and it might be awkward the next morning" NEVER HAVE I EVER BEEN ASKED TO LEAVE AFTER SEX, NEVER!!!! I got up put my cloths on he walked me to the car, gave me a hug and then said "call me if you want to hang out again, I'll leave it up to you" I smiled and said okay, I got into that car and deleted him from my phone and then cried on the drive home!!

What did I learn from this? That I'm kind of a sad person? I will never sleep with a middle eastern guy EVER again! I need to really figure out what the hell do I want because I think I'm VERY confused!! One part of me wants a boyfriend and then the other just wants to fuck.........one or the other T!!!

That morning I work up and I could feel the all of my eye shadow and mascara crusty around my eyes, my mouth tasted like a condom and my heart felt like it was in my stomach, I wanted to die!! And I still kind of feel that way, not so much about what happened last Thursday but this was just like the icing on the cake for me from other things going on in my life and I'm really sad!

I Blame Coco!

Determined for Arms!

I don't know if I have talked about how I'm kind of good at stalking people on the internet.....well I am!! All I need is a name, not even the full name and more than likely I will find you...creepy? I had been looking for Arms every now and than but nothing came up so I figured he was one of the few people who haven't jumped on the social networking sites like the rest of the world; until one cold rainy night I told myself "T, you dig deep like you never have before"! And...I found him!!!

What brought this on was besides the fact that he's hot, it was the eye games, I knew he was interested in me and that kind of attention doesn't happen very often for me....unless I'm unaware of it! So I find that he has a music profile and a regular one, I got VERY excited about this and emailed my friend and cousin the link, both gave me thumbs up; and so did my gay boy!! I wanted to send him a message being that class was over and if all along he was just looking at me because I was odd looking nothing bad would come out of this, I just wouldn't get a reply back or a "fuck off physco!". One of my guy friends I asked to be my Cyrano with the emails being that what I was going to send him was too long and not aloof enough....I admit I dont know how to play it cool, I just be me, sometimes that works and sometimes it doesnt....and this aloof thing did!! With in a few hours he messaged me back saying...

"hey,

How do you pronounce your name?!?!

Yes the math class is in fact really lame.....I've been meaning to ask you your name, now i know how to spell it...

I like your swagger

anyways...peace for now "

No your vision is not messed up you do indeed see "swagger", never have I ever had a guy say that to me, nor did I know that that word was still used!! A few people gave me crap about how I was making a big deal out of nothing and I should give this guy a chance, and I am...he's hot and I need to get laid!! I message him back and then he sends one back to me and at the end if it he says, "maybe we should hang out sometime..." JACKPOT!! I got very excited and I replied back saying yes that would be cool and gave him my number, later that evening he sent a text letting me know this was his number (this happened last night). I'm crossing my fingers and he gets the balls to call me and we do really go out, I haven t been on a date in while as well, that would be nice too!!

Some not great things have happened this year for me and maybe just maybe Santa might notice and throw me a bone(r) my way!!

I'll keep you posted!

Would a Vampire know if I was on my period? Yes I'm going there!!

A friend of mine posted a video on FB and it totally got me excited because this has been a question of mine for a long time but I find it VERY VERY odd of me of why out of all the things I talk about WHY HAVE I NEVER BROUGHT THIS UP??? I mean I talk about with my friends how much I LOVE saggy balls or getting slapped on the ass or I talk about when I get a Brazilian wax, but not this??? Well now I am everybody!!!

Back in the day I was a big fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I remember one day the thought came to mind, but that was it I just left it as is. But being now with all this vampire craze, the question is now more on my mind, would a vampire know if I was on my period? Also, if vampires where real and I came in contact with one and he wanted my blood, could I offer him to give me oral sex while I'm on my period, that way he's getting what he wants and I'd get some pleasure out of it as well! I also want to know can a female vampire get her period, I know vampires are dead in away but your body is still working...so could it be possible? AND WHY HAS THIS NEVER BEEN TALKED ABOUT????? Well....I can see that this isn't the most glamorous topics of all things to talk about BUT COME ON!!!

I'm posting the video that was shared by a friend and the other one is a little long and kind of boring but is somewhat informative!

Crave right now!

Enjoy!

Don't know how long I can go....

I feel like there is this hour glass floating on top of my head, and its really making me upset. I don't know if I can give school another semester, I don't know if I can take care of one more kid and I don't know how much I can take of feeling left behind. I've been thinking about going back to therapy but every time I think about it I feel its not going to help this time because my therapist isn't going to make me feel better about math or being single or feeling left out in life; that's only something I feel I'm going to have to do on my own. She would only be a new ear for me to vent to, and it just doesn't seem worth it.

Today I had to bring my baby cousin to pre-school and the location is not the greatest to get to when you don't have a car, but its manageable, just a long fucking walk! I love her so much, but apart of me did not want to do this today, the bus was packed, I had 2 big bags, one mine (I was going to go to class right after) and then the dipper bag; I also had the stroller and the kid. I drop the kid off, I felt sad that she cried when I left, but it was nice at the same time to know I would be missed. I had to take a differnt route to class, because of the location of the pre-school was, when I got on the street car I was wearing my headphones and daydreaming as usual, at some point I notice all the people sitting in front of me where looking kind of in my direction, I turn my head and see an old man laying on the floor between the door and the step! As I'm about to get up, some people rush over to help him, his hand is bleeding and the street car will not be moving for a while because the Muni driver says he's going to call for the ambulance. The ambulance comes, the EMT guys were taking their time I felt a little too much, and at this point I was wondering should I get off and just walk the rest to class....my toe still kind of hurts and the blocks around the neighborhood of school are SO LONG!!! So a Muni cop gets on and asks people what happened, I seem to be the only one who knew the most detail, and he asks for my name and I tell him I didn't see the whole thing so you can have my name! We all have to get off and go to another street car, I made it just in time for class.

I sit down and I start to get all terry eyed, my math teacher comes over to see how I'm doing with the homework and he see's I'm kind of crying I tell him "today is not a good day" he says that's okay and leaves me alone. I notice that Arms is in the testing room, I guess he still has not passed the last test yet you need to take to pass the class....WHY!!! The game, I am SO OVER the eye game, like just pass this test so I don't have to have sexy thoughts running in my head when I'm on the bus going home......or in class!! I really really really wish I could find out what he's thinking when he looks at me, does he think I'm odd looking or hot? Does he want to do crazy kinky things to me or does he think who would touch me? I wish there was a right moment to talk with him but there isn't, I really don't get life sometimes, I really really really don't!

I'm crossing fingers and toes for 010 to be better, because 09 has been no good!

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Why does this shock me??

Yeah....

1993No Rain by Blind Melon from KanaFu on Vimeo.

Honstly Whining

I was thinking yesterday as I was whining to myself of how the fuck did I get a cold; that maybe I should change the tittle of this blog to "The girl who whines", being that most of my blogs are about how my life is so unfair. I know its not but for me personally it is. I saw the movie Precious on Sunday with some friends and it's a really sad movie, I knew it was going to be sad but I thought there was going to be a happy ending, not really. The movie is based on a novel, I don't know if the story is true, but for sure this lifestyle is true! Precious was never loved, her Mother and Father sexually,mentally and physically abused her, her father got her pregnant twice and she had both children all under the age of 17; she later finds out that she also got HIV from her father as well. There was a moment in the movie that she's crying to her teacher about how she's never had anyone love her, she's never had a boyfriend, nothing good has ever happened in her in life other than her children. I cried because this girl never stood in a chance in life, and its really scary and sad to think that their are people like this in real life, who just will never stand a chance. Sometimes I feel this way, as all of my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wife's and I have no one, and most of my weekends are spent at home in front of the T.V. with an Amy's pizza and a glass of wine with my Mother and I deciding witch house the couple should choose on House Hunters, I feel so pathetic. There was a time I had no friends, and now I have some, but in way I feel I don't, my social life has changed a lot over the last year, but I tell myself I have people who love me very much, and I know they do, but I want a different kind of love that they cant give me, but deep down inside I don't feel I should have it.

Lately I've been really depressed (I have talked about this) and I knew why, but I felt I wasn't getting to the root of why, until today. I miss my brother not being home, not that he ever was home a lot, its really hard for me to expect that he's living a life that I think about all the time, but at the same time am really scared about. As much as I want to get a real job and move out and have a life my family knows nothing about I wonder can I do it? I also get scared thinking if this does happen, will I finally be happy? I don't know if I've ever been 100% happy, I also think about will I finally be worthy enough to be with someone, because I don't feel I am now.

The worst person in my life is myself.